A group of pagans calling themselves the Cult of Caninus (hey, Anubis, you’ve got yourself some secret admirers, buddy) is killing people in the small town of West Ffpfphhpthhthththsshhmmpphhh. Because I paid that much attention. The local veterinarian is killed, and a picture of a dog’s head found drawn on his barn floor. When Dr. White and the head of the local university fail to drive his widow, Gracie Moore, from the property, she is haunted by a mysterious man in black on a dirt bike. Ooooh, dirt bikes are scary. Way to be badass, devil worshippers. Nothing says, “By the powers of evil, you shall be driven from your lands and destroyed” like an engine that sounds like a blender making daiquiris. I’ll have strawberry evil, please.

Meantime, Mike Hogan (played by Patrick Wayne, son of The Duke, embarrassing the hell out of the family name) is back in town to investigate the death of his brother Joel, supposedly out chasing poachers with the sheriff, who is now in a mental institution after his daughter was forced to jump from a window and kill herself by the cult. Mike’s sister is attacked by a cult member, put in a trance, and kidnapped while Mike is running around with Gracie Moore trying to figure out why the biker is chasing her and why Doc White was so insistent on buying her land.

They discover an altar way out on the corner of Gracie’s woods, and figuring out the plot, go about setting some traps for the cultists that seem like they should have been set for Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Once all the traps have been tripped, and Gracie has drawn down her shotgun on Senator Bradford, evil leader of the dog devil cult (played by John Carradine!), Mike shows his true colors. He had returned to town because he was a member of the cult all along, and was going to sacrifice his sister to bring Caninus back to Earth. Which makes no sense since he was directly responsible for firing the gunshots that banished the monster just as it was taking form from his sister’s corpse. Ah well. Gracie fires, but Bradford rears up in full monster makeup. Which… um... looks nothing like a dog. And neither did Caninus. So, good job, makeup guys.

Oh, John Carradine, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Well, that would take up more time than I have at the moment and more space than we have on the server. This, thankfully, was not his last movie. Although I can’t imagine that whatever was his last movie was was much better. Still, poor old John clearly doesn’t even know where he is in this flick. He is obviously and unabashedly reading his lines off cue cards, not even bothering to alter the tone of his voice as he deadpans his way through what is supposed to be an impassioned speech about faithfulness to Caninus. But, by the frothy tentacles of Cthulhu, the man still has the greatest maniacal laugh in the world. And, even though he was probably huffing from an oxygen tank while a nurse was changing his adult diapers between takes, I couldn’t take my eyes off him whenever he was on the screen.

I have previously expounded on my love of John Carradine, and how his mere presence elevates a movie far above the status it probably deserves. This, dear readers, has not changed. This movie blows fucking ass. It’s Hot Fuzz meets Home Alone, with a healthy dash of Final Sacrifice (the boy, Rowsdower, the boooooooooy!). By all means, it fully deserves a big, fat, green raspberry face blowing its wet disapproval all over the cast and crew. And yet, simply because Mr. Lewis sucked enough cocks in enough alleyways that they had enough money to hire John Carradine for a day of shooting before they had to put him back into the deep freeze, he saved himself from that fate. The fate of an unimportant reviewer from a b-movie website with a readership slightly less than the population of Bolan, Iowa (oh, fucking look it up) giving him a bad review.

Oh, and apparently this is a sequel to another Christopher Lewis masterpiece called Blood Cult. Judging by the cast list on IMDB, it tells the story of Joel’s and the sheriff’s demise that leads up to Mike returning to West Mmmphfphphpfhpppblaaauuuuhghhghghghffrrrrfffhackhackhack. Hack. Or was it East Blwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuugh hahghahlllpphphphphshshshshsppfum mmmmmphuulluuaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr rrraaaaaa aaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh phgphgphgphgpjfpj pmpvoooooooooooommooommooomoooblauu uughghghghghhackhackhackhackWHEEZEcoughcoughh ackhackandsoonandsoforthhack…