This bloody alphabet project is a lot more restrictive than I had originally anticipated. There are certain letters that just don’t wind up at the beginning of a title very often. Then there are certain letters that appear at the beginning of about six million (Dollar Man) titles, all of which are either well-known and reviewed to the point where little or nothing new can be said about them, or look so fucking awful that cinemasochism isn’t nearly a strong enough word. I mean, there’s Nukie, and then there’s shit that even I wouldn’t sit through.
As a result of this, I’ve been cornered into reviewing some movies that I didn’t really want to do. This, fortunately, is not one of them. Come with me now, to the magical land of China, where vampires are created by zombies who eat human flesh…wait, what? Wouldn’t that just mean that every zombie is guaranteed to turn into a vampire? Your only hope is anorexic zombies. Or ones who’ve developed a taste for mutton. Of course, the whole problem stems from your general zombie population to begin with. Good thing Pittsburgh isn’t in China.
So our story opens with the Four Amigos of vampire hunting, Thunder, Rain, Lightning, and one other meteorological phenomenon that I didn’t catch and was too busy wrangling kids and taking notes at the same time to rewind and check. I’m guessing Wind, or maybe Light Fog. The boys are setting off with the Master (no, not Roger Delgado or Anthony Ainley, and although he does have a goatee, he does not time travel, wear a black suit, or attempt to destroy any bi-cardial [very likely not even a word] self-proclaimed scientific PhD’s) and a small army of trained fighters to hunt down an extremely dangerous vampire who has been decimating the countryside.
In a really killer fight sequence, and probably the most original “let’s lynch the vampire” scene I can recall, the soldiers harpoon the beastie with chains and try to hold it down while the Master and his Weathermen destroy it. Unfortunately, the vampire is far too strong. It drags the soldiers hither and thither (damn skippy I just said that), sucking the life out of them. Eventually a sword striking one of the chains sparks a methane gas explosion, destroying everyone but the four elemental fighters. Even, apparently, the master.
Months later, the boys have followed a sort of vampire-tracking occult compass to a wedding festival for some rich folk. Posing as workers, they enter the household of Jang, a family who specializes in the wax preservation of the dead. When the son, groom, and heir to the family fortune, is killed, old Jang sets them the task of finding the poisonous snake that killed him. Thunder and Sasa, the dead boy’s wife, strike a few sparks of their own.
Meanwhile, Sasa’s brother Dragon (who looks a bit like the guitar player from System of A Down) has hired bandits to discover the whereabouts of the Jang fortune to pay off his gambling debt. One would think that hiring a troupe of bandits would only increase one’s debt, but you never can tell what those crazy Orientals are thinking, can you?
The boys find the family vault where all the wax dead people – as well as a king’s ransom in gold -- are stored. Old Jang attacks the vampire hunters, assuming they’re after his gold, when the real bad guys show up. Dragon and his main henchman have hired a zombie wrangler to bring the entire Jang ancestry back to life, fight off the vampire hunters, and make off with the gold.
Unfortunately for our intrepid heroes (as well as the assorted scoundrels, ne’er do’ ells, and general hangers-about), the massive amount of necro-magic also attracts the vampire, who has been hiding out doing Cthulhu-knows-what for the last forty minutes or so. Sasa is bitten, and just when all looks lost, the Master returns from hiding.
The vampire, having fed off the zombie wrangler as well as the life-forces of several dozen of Jang’s household, has become immensely strong. As its power grows, it begins to develop. It has always looked more like the Aztec Mummy (too bad they didn’t have a really lame-looking cardboard robot to fight the damn thing…or better yet, the Robo Warrior), but its once-empty eye sockets now bear piercing green eyes. It has also gained the ability to tunnel under the ground, breathe a stream of fire, and stretch its claws out on ropes of tendon to latch on to its victims.
As it easily pounds the four elemental fighters into the ground and viciously fights the Master, it’s apparent that this isn’t your typical vampire. Obviously it doesn’t fit the typical European vampire stereotypes. “No shit, Ragnarok,” you may say. “This is China, you unbelievable dork.” But it’s not a typical hopping vampire, either. It doesn’t behave the way any cinematic vampire, regardless of geography, typically does.
At one point, the Master takes refuge from the vampire’s attack in a sturdy cage. Unable to break into the cage right away, the vampire single-mindedly flies into it, plowing it across the house yard, slamming into walls. The vampire isn’t angry at being unable to reach its prey. It doesn’t snarl or lash out. Instead, it’s like a shark trying to reach a diver in a cage. It just keeps attacking -- a pure, unfeeling force of nature, confident that it will eventually destroy its intended target.
As a lightning storm fast approaches, and the vampire is once again wrapped in chains, the Master sees a crate of dynamite and gets a creative and self-sacrificing idea. Smile, you son of a bitch!
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Viewing alone, the action is fast-paced, the story interesting, and the production slick enough to please maybe even those not accustomed to our beloved genre. Definitely won’t put you to sleep. With a group, you might not get much out of watching the subtitled version, or even talking over the dubbed version, but the badass swordfights and monster action are a real crowdpleaser.
Remake of: The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires
FEEDBACK
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
