Oh yeah, it’s this. Massive anal hemorrhaging ahoy! Oh, you didn’t know about that? Well, I can’t imagine that phrase didn’t grab your attention. Read on, then, my babies.
Korea isn’t exactly known for kaiju flicks. Well, to some it is. To Kim Jong Il it is. Sure, he’s the crazy dictator who currently threatens the world with nuclear war, but long before that, he was the crazy dictator who kidnapped Japanese filmmakers to make him a monster movie because he loves them (monster movies, not Japanese filmmakers) so much. He snagged, among others, the guy responsible for the Godzilla suit in Godzilla 1984, and forced them to make him a kaiju movie called Pulgasari. It’s sort of a Daimajin-type story about a village being plundered by evil land developers, so they create a monster called Pulgasari who eats metal and grows huge to wreak massive revenge on the bad guys.
But well before that .44 magnum opus (metal reference!), there was Yongary, Monster from the Dollar Store. When Some Dude (I don’t fuckin’ speak Korean, so I have no idea what any of these characters’ names are – the couple I managed to catch are phonetic spellings only, and are probably nowhere near the real ones, but once again, I’m too goddamn lazy to look them up – Tomb of Anubis, Home of Quality Control!) and his wife head off from their wedding (sadly nothing like Lane Kim’s wedding in season 6 of “Gilmore Girls” – and I’m STILL more metal than you) toward some honeymoon humpin’, our super-annoying Kenny of the film, Ichu, shoots them with an itching ray (it’s fuckin’ Korea, don’t ask) he stole from his friend Ilu’s (I’m going to get so much Korean hate mail for this review and my butchery of their nomenclature) lab.
Later, when Some Guy is showing absolutely no interest in the feminine wiles (pussy and tits for those of you who live in Missouri) of his wife, a call comes in interrupting the hot, steamy nothing asking for Some Guy to come in to work (he’s an astronaut or some shit) to do a little recon flight (you shoot men into space in multi-million dollar rockets just to have a look ‘round?). After some hard bargaining between the general and Some Guy’s wife (when your military has to negotiate with the wives of its officers to let them come out and play, your country is just begging to be invaded by Texans), Some Guy is allowed to jump into a rocket with absolutely no preparation and launch into space. Because in Korea, the rocket is just left on the pad with the keys in the ignition and a Molly Hatchet CD in the deck.
When his shuttle momentarily loses contact with base, a public radio announcement is broadcast, basically saying, “We can’t find our top astronaut and the space shuttle that we cancelled your welfare checks to pay for, but we’re sure everything is just fine”. He reappears, seemingly minutes later (guess that broadcast was jumping the shark a bit, eh?), he is ordered to land his ship immediately, AND LANDS RIGHT BACK ON THE FUCKING LAUNCH PAD WITHOUT A SCRATCH! So they got all worried and huffy when all he did was fly directly up in a straight line? The fuck? What kind of reconnaissance mission is that?
But it doesn’t matter, because that was all a runtime-padding distraction from the real threat…a mobile earthquake! Which spurs the immediate declaration of martial law! Because that makes perfect sense! The military will save us…from a…fucking…earthquake. Yay George W. Bush! Ugh.
But of course it’s not actually an earthquake. It’s tremors caused by the subterranean tunneling of the monster Yongary. Ilu, Ichu, and Ilu’s girlfriend/sister (depending on the dialogue at the moment) run out to see the monster and Ilu, being the ineffectual, limp-wristed soggy little Korean that he is, gets nailed in the head by a brick and is down for the count. His girlfriend/sister (huh, Korea isn’t such a far cry from Alabama, perhaps there is hope for peace between the U.S. and our Asian brothers…and sister/girlfriends) jumps to his aid, but due to a strange delivery by the dubbing actress, when she says “Oh please, Ilu!” presumably in concern for his safety, her voice sounds concerned, like that really meant, “Goddammit Ilu, you fucking sissy little girl, get the fuck up off the ground, walk off the injury sustained from a brick thrown at you by a giant monster, and let’s beat cheeks the fuck out of here before we get stepped on!”
It should be noted at this time that Yongary, instead of the earth-shaking thunder you would expect, makes strange squishy fart noises when he walks. As he’s finding his way out of the city, a helicopter news crew gets a little too close and nearly gets toasted by his flame breath (the nozzle of which is clearly visible at the back of the hand puppet’s throat). Once again, instead of the concern one would normally show at nearly being roasted to death by a prehistoric dragon, the chopper crew seems almost bemused. Their reaction is a kind of “Oh that silly Yongary, he almost killed us again. What a loveable oaf he is!” deal. Fuckin’ weirdo Koreans, man. How can you be so mellow, and so crazy at the same time? All shootin’ barely-airworthy missiles into the ocean and shit.
Ilu gets away from his friend/brother/cousin/father Ichu and his sister/girlfriend and follows Yongary to an oil refinery outside of town, where the monster proceeds to drink several tanks of fuel oil before Ichu shoots him with that damn itch ray and drives him off.
A missile strike (made up of roman candles tied to strings, by the look of it) is called in to destroy (and by destroy, I mean irritate into attacking again) the monster. Meanwhile, Ilu and Some Guy (who has disappeared for most of the movie and is now basically just around to take up another seat in the lab) work on an ammonia-based formula designed to kill Yongary.
Just as a squadron of jets are swooping in to deliver the second volley of the missile strike (because it worked so fucking well the last time, guys), Ilu and company fly in with their chopper to deliver the poison. It should be pointed out that at this point during the jet attack, one of the squibs blows a massive chunk of rubber out of Yongary’s head, and for a few frames he can be seen dancing around with this flap of rubber hanging off his head, looking like he sustained a tremendous cranial wound. Totally unintentional, I’m sure, but pretty damn cool nonetheless.
But never mind that. This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for…Yongary’s death! The ammonia sends the beast into epileptic fits, and he collapses into a lake. You’d think that’d be the end of it, but simple seizures aren’t good enough for those crazy sadistic fuckin’ Koreans (after all, look what they did to Alan Alda!). No, Yongary’s not dead yet. As Ilu and his chopper full of evil, hate-filled psychopaths look on laughing and smiling, Yongary proceeds to BLEED TO DEATH FROM HIS ASS! Yes, I said he BLEEDS TO DEATH FROM HIS ASS! And then there’s some shit about Ilu and his sister/girlfriend maybe getting married, and Ichu shows a small amount of remorse at having to kill what was, after all, just a large animal looking for food. But that doesn’t help the fact that they LAUGHED AND POINTED WHILE HE BLED TO DEATH FROM HIS ASS!
Moral of the Story: should think it’d be obvious. Koreans are sadistic, evil fuckers who love watching innocent animals BLEED TO DEATH FROM THEIR ASSES!
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- I dare you not to love a movie where the monster BLEE… well, you know.
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