Andy Rooney's been questioning the little things in life for, what, 90 years now. Jerry Seinfeld made "What's the deal with that?!" a catch phrase. "Wha'choo talkin 'bout Willis?!" propeled Gary Coleman from some guy with stunted growth into the icon of an entire decade... but wasn't able to keep him from becoming a lowly security guard reduced to punching women in the face for money. In homage to these three pioneers of televised querries, the Tomb adds "...What the Fuck?!" to the pantheon of historical rhetorical.

Greetings to those who’ve stumbled onto our sight looking for Egyptian-themed pornography. Or, for those Egyptian porn lovers who also have a thing for Martin Lawrence, What Up?! This week, I’d like to debut a little section (well, not so much a section as a premise that will be recycled any time I desperately need a subject to write about) that I’ve always wanted to do called "…What the Fuck?!"

These chuddings will all be about parts of movies – be they plot devices, continuity problems, mind-blowing incompetence, or whatever – that I’ve always wanted to know the rhyme and reason behind. Basically, I spell out the problem and weigh in on what I think is really happening, that’s part one. For part two, I’d love to hear what anyone else thinks about them, so (and this is assuming that someone is reading this, I’m always a little weary about trusting hit counters) drop me an e-mail or use the message board or something and let me know what you think.

DUMBASS DISCLAIMER: Whenever someone poses a question about something confusing in a horror/sci-fi/Godzilla/Gamera/Bruckheimer big budget disaster movie (yes, disaster is both the film genre and the movie’s affect), you always get some dim-witted corporate cock sucker who goes off all like “IT’S A HORROR MOVIE! STOP DISSECTING THEM! ACCEPT THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE!”

I say “SODOMIZE YOURSELF WITH A POOL CUE” to these cockmongers. You ought to be ashamed of yourself if you shell out your cash, see something bewildering or infuriating and tell yourself that you’ve already paid for it so you’d better just accept it. It’s the same kind of passive thinking that leads to people saying “well, we elected George W. Bush so I guess we’re stuck with whatever dumbass things he wants to do for the next four years.” We, the people, do not have to accept something just because it’s there. When you support a movie with your dollar’s vote, you have the right to let that movie’s makers know that they have disappointed you and failed to live up to their promises. Remember, there was a time, (no, just one time you Electoral College lapdogs) when more people in this country thought it would be a good idea to have George W. Bush as our nation’s leader than it would be to have him safely isolated on some ranch in Texas. Get down on your knees and thank God for the two-term limit or this cycle might continue forever, and I fucking mean forever if we ever fully figure our cryogenic freezing.

Anyway, this week’s WtF is one little blade that’s been stabbing me in the thigh for years now. If you know anything about me, you know that I’m a big Jason Voorhees fan. Not necessarily of every one of his movies, but of he himself (I’d better not get any word about someone out there saying “he’s not real, he’s a movie character.” Dumbass, I know). Anyway, Jason Takes Manhattan, the most universally loathed of all Jason movies, is balanced clumsily on a series of plot points, which lead up to the main protagonist’s moment of catharsis, that make no sense at all. For those who don’t know every minute of this stink bomb the way I do, let me walk you through it. Get those thinking caps on all you critical thinkers!

Rennie, who is admittedly sweet yet is the oldest-looking high school senior in this hallowed series yet, has a fear of the water. Though a series of mind-numbing hallucinations and flashbacks, we come to learn that she was learning to swim as a child (she was about 10 years old, I’d guess) and was attacked by a young Jason (definitely pre-slasher days). She nearly drowned and has been haunted by the experience. All right, blow that whistle, stop right there Mr. Screenwriter/Director. What the Fuck? Let’s look at our Jason Primer.

1945: Jason is born.
1957: Jason drowns or gets washed away to live in the Crystal Lake woods. What happened isn’t so important as when it happened.
1984: Jason killed by Tommy Jarvis for the first time.
1988: Tommy resurrects Jason.
1989-1993 (who knows): Tina Shepherd resurrects Jason, dead dad buries him in Crystal Lake later.
Sometime after that but before the events of Jason Goes to Hell: Jason is again resurrected by electrical cable and fucks with the world in Jason Takes Manhattan.

Now, before you fight-picking pricks out there start in, let me say that *throat clear* OFFICIAL STATEMENT: I completely condone the condensing of dates here. I appreciate the fact that, if they took every character’s age into consideration, some of these movies would be set in the near future instead of the present. So, don’t jump me on this you close-minded dicks. All small discrepancies are forgiven. However, for the sake of logical thinking, let us make some necessary assumptions:

1) About 5 years pass from the time Tommy kills Jason to the time he digs him up.
2) A few more years pass between Jason’s first underwater burial and his psychic resurrection. At least long enough for Jason’s jumpsuit and back flesh to erode away to the point of being able to see his spine. Tina, who is around eight I’d guess when she sinks her dad, is a fully developed young lady when she brings Jason up.
3) (and this is a big one) Jason’s preteen body was not stored in a cryogenic chamber shortly after his drowning.

And, as I’ve said, Rennie must have had her near-death experience around the age of 10. So, giving the filmmakers broad liberties with dates, you could place Rennie’s near-death experience anytime from Jason’s original killing spree in the late 80s to either one of Jason’s underwater hibernations. Not logically, mind you, but like I said, complete accuracy on dates is both unnecessary and unreasonable to demand. Now, my official WtF mindbender is this: HOW WAS JASON A PRETEEN BOY WHEN HE ATTACKED RENNIE WHEN HE, EVEN WITH THE FLIMSIEST ADHERENCE TO THE STORYLINE, WAS AT LEAST 40 AT THE TIME? The answer, of course, was that he couldn’t have been. Good luck proving that he was logically.

So, minions of Satan, here are some options (some more likely than others): Was this glaring inconsistency A) A metaphorical use of Jason to represent some fear in Rennie or us all, B) A lazy, stupefying job of screenwriting C) A suggestion that Jason is a mythical beast that can shape shift ala Freddy Kruger or D) A suggestion that Renee is the reincarnation of a past Jason victim who has come back to wage battle against his/her assassin?

Please, don’t answer C or D.

My research into this topic has netted no clear answer. My first step was to listen to the film commentary of director/screenwriter Rob Hedden for any clues. Also, I was hoping for an apology for this movie. Hedden seems like a very nice guy and a spirited filmmaker who did the best he could considering that the film probably had a lackluster budget and that Hedden deserves sympathy because he was working in an era when the MPAA was neutering horror movies. However, this glaring fuckup cannot be merely glossed over. Sure, Rennie was old-looking, but there’s no way it took her 30-some years to graduate from high school, and in a time before No Child Left Behind no less!

However, anyone who assumes that Hedden was a no-talent fuckup who’d never even seen a Friday film would be incorrect wrong because, through his commentary, Hedden suggests that he’s a fan. Somehow, I believe him. So, I’ve spent a laughably big chunk of my time and mental energy trying to figure out some way that he could have been using Jason’s underwater attack as a metaphor for something, such as the fear of drowning, the fear of being betrayed by our caregivers or something like that. One film element that suggests this possibility is that Rennie’s visions of Jason grow more and more “Jasonesque” as the film goes on. In the beginning, Jason is just a mop-haired chunky kid. By her flashback about an hour in, Jason looks like the one we’ve come to expect. However, Rennie was also pumped full of drugs at that point and there was always the possibility of Rennie’s visions coming back stronger and stronger after being stirred by the watery setting. Oh, and speaking of setting, there is no way that you could claim this movie is set sometime before the others. When we find Jason in the beginning, he is buried in a manner consistent with his demise in Part VII. Plus, the year is announced in a radio broadcast if memory serves, and the characters are all painful 80s stereotypes. The linchpin to this little witch-hunt was Hedden’s testimony. All he had to do was at least hint that Jason’s young incarnation was being used as abstractly and he’d be set free in my mind. However, Hedden never says so. He somehow dances around actually condemning himself, but it’s more of a non-denial denial. So, upon deliberation, Rob Hedden has refused to defend himself and is pronounced guilty of being a lazy, atrocious filmmaker. But I want to hear someone else’s opinion.

Feel free to put some actual thought into this, much the way you, if you made a film, would want people to consider your vision before shrugging your work off as shit.

Before you, the jury, convict Mr. Hedden ask yourselves the pertinent questions:

Can a filmmaker who claims to be a fan of a well-known series be capable of such negligence?
Does this movie deserve so much credit as to assume that it has artistic direction behind it?
Do I, a simple soul, have the right to judge?

Well, I asked myself these questions, thought long and hard and decided to cop out. I’m passing the buck, onto you.

BAYRAPE UPDATE: It didn’t have anything to do with me, but perhaps the wheels of democracy are really turning. Go to www.Fridaythe13thfilms.com and read one webmaster’s thoughtful, passionate cry for help. Someone out there does care, and together, we can bring down Michael Bay and Platinum Dungheep before they create homicide on an innocent movie franchise. Viva La Resistance!