On April 30^th, 1999, I got a call from my friend Jaime who was bummed out because his plans with his girlfriend fell through. I asked him if he wanted to go to a party with me and he said sure so I drove to Bridgetown and picked him up. He had a case of beer and put it in the trunk, not before grabbing us each a cold one for the drive back to Lawrencetown.

    My brother had a bunch of friends over at my house that night. Jaime and I decided to drive down to the school where the bus would pick us up to save us from piling into the car with a bunch of guys. We figured if I wasn’t in shape to drive home that we could just hop in with my brother’s friend who wouldn’t be drinking that night

    We drove down to the College and waited for the Bus. We piled a few beer into our pockets for the bus ride to the party. When we got on the bus my brother bought out a pint of whiskey. Jaime and I liked whiskey so we "confiscated" it from him and began to share it between us. By the time we got to the party I had a pretty good buzz on and I knew I would be getting a ride home with my brothers friend in their car. The whiskey must have hit me pretty hard because I don’t remember too much of what went on at the party. All I know is that I must have kept drinking the whole time I was there because the rest of the night was a complete blackout. For some reason I couldn’t handle my booze as well as I used to be able to. Later on I learned that this was because my alcoholism was progressing and my liver wasn’t working the way it should.

    The next thing I remember was waking up in a helicopter. I knew what they sounded like because I used to ride in them every day for work in my job out in Alberta. I had no idea why I was there. I just assumed whoever I was with had an accident. I was very frightened and disturbed to find out that I had been the one driving. I get sick to my stomach thinking back on it. I decided right there in the helicopter that I would never drink again. I realized then and there that alcohol had control over me. I would never had done anything like that if I had of been sober.

    I couldn’t understand why I was driving. I had planned it out in my head to pile in with my brothers friend. I knew that when I was drunk I wouldn’t mind piling into a car with a bunch of guys. I later found out that my brother’s friend’s mother had come to pick them all up. She offered to come back and pick Jaime and I up, but we got into my car anyway. I had a half gallon of whiskey back at the house and I wasn’t about to wait for it. At least that’s what I must have been thinking. Its hard to say what was going through my head to get into the car while I was that drunk. It’s hard to say what Jaime was thinking to get in there with me. All I know is that I wasn’t thinking very clearly. No drunk person does.

    What I heard from the police a few days after the accident was that I made a brief stop in the middle of Lawrencetown to check on a party. The party wasn’t happening so I continued on. I drove very quickly. Maybe I was worried that my brother would get into my whiskey. We came around the curve in Lawrencetown and the car slid sideways into a telephone pole, killing my best friend instantly. I did not know this until 11:00 the next morning. I didn’t even remember him being in the car with me. The firemen came and cut us out of the car. They had sent an air ambulance for Jaime. They wouldn’t be needing it for him so they decided to send me into the city so that it wouldn’t have been a wasted trip.

    I remember waking up with a start on the helicopter. I pulled at the neck brace. I was confused and distraught. That whole morning in the hospital was hell. The main thing running through my head before I knew about Jaime was how angry my father would be that I crashed his car. I knew I would lose my license and that this would make my survey job very hard come winter. When my mother called me at the hospital at around 11:00 am and told me that Jaime had been with me and that he didn’t make it, all these things seemed so small. I have never felt so horrible in my life. I just wanted to die. I will never be able to explain in words how I felt at that very moment. My best friend was dead, and it was all my fault. It was hard enough losing him. Being responsible for him added more guilt and grief than I could have ever imagined.

    Luckily I had a few friends that had found out about the accident and they were able to be with me after I heard this news. Their kindness and understanding were what I needed right there and then. They were also good friends of Jaime’s. They knew what we were both like and they knew how much I loved him.

   I think of Jaime every day. Sometimes I think of him too much and I begin to break down again. I try to think of the good times we both had and I try to imagine him in a better place. I feel like he’s always sitting on my shoulder making sure I do the right things.

    Since the accident I have not touched a drop of alcohol. I have become the opposite of what I once was. Before I could not imagine my life without drinking and now I shudder at the thought of ever getting drunk again. The more I see what harm alcohol does to people and their relationships with friends and families the more I despise it. I never saw it’s harm when I was drinking. I don’t think any drunk does. My eyes were widely opened the morning of May 1^st. They will remain very opened.

    I’ve realized that I can live a guilt free happy life without booze and drugs. I don’t have to worry about what I did the night before because I can actually remember it. I don’t have to worry about saying things I shouldn’t because I’m in full control of my thoughts and actions when I’m sober. I am a very shy person. I think that is why I was such a drinker. I drank because it took away the shyness. Now I realize that being shy is me. If I want to change the fact that I’m shy, I’m going to have to work on it the right way, not by using drugs or alcohol. I am who I am, and there’s no need for me to use drugs and alcohol for a crutch and pretend to be something I’m not.

    The feeling you get when you drink is all an illusion. When you are drunk you are living in your own little world, creating memories that only you will remember. Things you do that you think are so cool will seem totally stupid to others. Alcohol is very cunning and powerful. It can change a person in a very short time. I’m sure you’ve all seen signs of how it can do that. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Things might seem fine and well when you’re young, but they WILL get worse. You will drink more and more and things will go downhill until you have hit rock bottom. I am glad that my eyes were opened when they were. Now I actually have a chance to live a decent productive life.

    On November 29th, 1999, I plead guitly to impaired driving causing death. The judge sentenced me to 2 years of house arrest, 200 hours of community work and a loss of my license for 4 years. This sentence doesn't even come close to the punishment of living with the death of my friend. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous and the support of friends, I feel more peace of mind now than I ever did when I was drinking. Living a sober life has been a wonderful gift despite all of the restrictions I face under house arrest. I am anxious and excited to come out into the world and enjoy my new found sobriety.

    If you have any questions about AA or need someone to talk to about drinking, feel free to email me.