Electing the President


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I am not the author and I would give credit to the authors if I knew who they were. These have come to my email and I find them quite delightful. Hope you enjoy.
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Table of Contents
Phone Call
Dr. Suess Goes to Florida
England Takes Over
Official Seal of the Democratic Party

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Phone Call

If The President Calls...




...GET HIS NAME!!!

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Dr. Suess Goes to Florida

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?

What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Let's count them upside down this time
Let's count until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
All telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!

I Will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, and AL GORE I am!

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England Takes Over

To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories -- including New Jersey. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following edicts:

  1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly.
  2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen."
  3. Start referring to "soccer" as football.
  4. Declare war on Quebec and France.
  5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
  6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby.
  7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.
  8. July 4th is no longer a National holiday, this has been replaced with November 5th. Thanksgiving is a nonstarter.
  9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
  10. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
  11. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.
  12. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber.
  13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
  14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will contact you shortly to ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!

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Seal

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Changes last made on: Monday, April 23, 2007
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