... d.r.e.a.m.s...




	Tonomura-sama made, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Why do you have to do this to me? Why do you always find new ways to torment me? What the fuck is wrong with you? Bitch. Oh, how I want to smash your skull to the ground and see what goes on in your little sadistic brain. I hate the way you always look down on me. It was fine when we first started to play together. I just thought that it was all just a game. So I went along with it. I thought you were just trying to be funny. You and your bitter remarks. Always finding some excuse to spoil my day. There is not an insulting name in the world that you haven’t called me by. Over the years your once teasing names have grown into a full-blown onslaught on my ego and personage. You must have really hated me too, to be able to think of all those damn colourful phrases. And what’s with the formalities? You always have to call me Wayama-kun. You know that I hate that and you still insist on calling me that. Too rub some salt with it you say it in a little annoying voice of an adult speaking to a naughty kid. I’m bloody 29 years old for God’s sake! I hate the way you the way you always try to steal my limelight. Every time we have a concert. Every time! Whenever the cameras are facing me you either do some incredible guitar acrobatics across the stage or you come bounding up to me and try to get all close and chummy then jump right in front of the camera. Must you have all the attention? Don’t you know you already have too much of it with all your fancy cheongsams and crazy hair colours? If Teru wasn’t the vocalist the entire world will probably only know that GLAY has Tonomura Hisashi and three other unknown musicians. I hate your eyes. I can’t stand the way that they pierce through my soul. Whenever and if ever you talk to me you always frown. Your eyes always dark. Almost like you don’t want to talk to me but you have to. I hate the way you stare at me with them. Even when you think I don’t know. It’s makes my heart stop every time I feel your gaze falling on me. More obvious when you are drunk. Sadly nobody else notices cause they’re drunk too. That really made me paranoid. It got really bad when you went through a phase of wearing those horrid coloured contacts over your beautiful eyes. When I told you about it you would deliberately stare at me with those funny snake eyes just to watch me squirm. Then you laugh. I couldn’t sleep for weeks after that. Every time I close my eyes there you were with that menacing glare of yours. I probably spent about 10’000 yen on coffee each week so that I don’t fall asleep. My health started going down the tubes. I looked so bad that even our workaholic-married-to-my-job-lost-to-the-world leader noticed my pathetic condition. I hate the fact that you planned your wedding before mine. I wouldn’t even call it planned. You just called everybody up and said that you were getting married in a week’s time. Before that everyone thought you were going to break up with what’s-her-face. How could you upstage my wedding? You knew very well that Reiko and I have spent more then 6 months sorting out the details. You just had to go and steal my limelight again. Couldn’t you at least have the decency to wait until after my wedding? AAHH! I could go on for hours! I hate the fact that you’re such a wiz at computer. I hate your dressing sense. I hate your songs. I hate your taste in music. I hate your taste in women. I hate your I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-anything attitude. I hate your websites. I hate you guitars. I hate the fact that you smoke. I hate you T-shirt designs. I hate your radio programme. I hate that you could out drink me. I hate when you get drunk. I hate the times when you would treat me with so much gentleness. So much affection. Like that night. I hate you for what you did to me that night. Yes, that night. I will never forgive you for that. Do you remember? You don’t? I think all that cigarette smoke must have eaten away your brain cells. Let me refresh your memory. We were at some random bar celebrating the success of the Expo. Takuro had to take Teru back to the hotel cause he had puke all over the floor. He did say that he was going to come back and pick you up. You were just as drunk as Teru was. Obviously he never did and I was stuck with the friggin’ job of having to lug you back to your room. Damn him. Boy, can you sing. You were belting out every single goddamn enka that was ever written from the bar to your hotel room. You also talked about a lot of personal stuff. Mainly bout the troubles of your marriage and how you don’t love your wife. I found out more about you then Teru probably knew in the past decade or so. Seriously, you were like a loose canon. Maybe I should hang around you more when you’re dead drunk. I could black mail you with all the secrets that I learnt. You know I dare. When we got to your hotel room, you insisted that I drink some more with you. Honestly, is drinking all you ever think about? You were already so jaded as it is. I tried to leave but you started screaming lie some spoilt brat throwing a tantrum. Never anger a drunken man they sad. I didn’t want the hotel management to kick us out. Superstars or not. I was already woozy after a whole bottle of Jack Daniel’s. But at least I know that I was still more sober than you were. We talked. We laughed. We told dirty jokes. Did some Takuro/Teru bashing. Like old friends. It surprised me but I just kept up with it. With that amount of alcohol in your blood, I doubt that you would remember any of it in the morning anyway. Might as well enjoy of it while it last. And I have to admit I did. Every minute of it. Too bad it wasn’t for real. It was probably around 4 in the morning when I got up to leave. Luckily my room was only across the corridor. You had sobered up a bit by then. Enough to walk me to the door. I turned around to say goodbye and there you were again. Staring at me. Piercing with those damned eyes of yours. Shit you. I couldn’t get out. You had managed to back me up against the door and pinned me down by putting both your hands on either side of my shoulders. That’s when you said some things that changed everything. You said you loved me. You said that you have loved me ever since you met me. You have always tried to get close to me but you were not sure if I would except you or reject you. That’s when you started to act coldly to me. You said that if you could have me then you shouldn’t be nice to me. The temptation was too great you said. You said that if you had treated me the way that you really wanted then you would probably have spilled out your feelings much earlier. You didn’t want to be rejected cause you thought I was straight. I could see it. I could see it in your eyes. You were not lying. You were wearing a mask all these years. Just like I was. Only now, you’ve decided to take it off. This hurt. It really hurt. I could feel tear spilling down my cheek. The pain was unbearable. I think you notice the pain I felt because your eyes soften and you moved your hand against my cheek to wipe away the tear. Sigh. To feel your touch against my skin. So soft. So full of love. I cried some more. The shock of it all was throwing my emotions around like a sock in the dryer. I had to ask. Why? Why tell me know? You couldn’t take it anymore you said. You couldn’t stand the rivalry that we had. You couldn’t bear the hatred that I had towards you because of your own foolish cowardice so many years ago. You said that you wanted to feel my hands against your face. You said that you wanted to see me smile at you. You wanted to hold me in your arms. You wanted to taste my lips against yours. But most of all, you said you wanted to love and to feel my love in return. That’s when I knew. I knew that you knew. You knew of my secret. The secret I had so desperately kept to myself. Was I that obvious? Yes, you said. You also admitted that it took you a really long time to figure it out and by then it was too later to do anything. That’s when you kissed me. God, did your lips feel so soft! I couldn’t help but kiss you back. Our kiss deepened. I felt you hands pulling at my shirt. I couldn’t stop now. Too many years of waiting, too many frustrated drinking binges. There was no turning back. But then…what was I doing? That shouldn’t be happening. Not this. Not like this. I pushed you away. I had to. It was all happening to fast. If I didn’t who knows what might happen. I didn’t want a one-night stand. I don’t want to be loose you. I couldn’t look at you. Your eyes were filled with some weird look. Like some kind of pain. Rejection. That’s when I left. I avoided you for the next few days. I couldn’t bring myself to look at you. Not after what I have done. What you have done. To me. I still hate you. I hate you for kissing me. I hate you for loving me. I hate you for caring about me. I hate you for only telling me now. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. But most of all I hate you because I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you because I love you. My angel. Forgive me. Please. Sincerely, Yoshihito ------------- END