"You know all those times when I'm mean to you? When I always try to oppose everything you say or do? When I call you by every colorful name I could think of? When I scream at you? When I curse you? When I tell you I hate you?" Silence. "Well, the thing is, they're all a bunch of lies."

[ So this is what you mean ]

"Do you know that I actually feel for you more than I should as a comrade? As a friend? As a man? Have you any idea how happy I am when we're together? How amused I am whenever you react to any of my banters? How special I feel when you try to bridge the gap between us by trying to be nice to me?" Silence. "The truth is that I've been in love with you for the longest time now."

[ So this is how you feel ]

"I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that even if you feel the same, society wouldn't accept us. And for a time, I tried to do something about it. I tried to make your life hell so you'll leave me alone. I tried to be distant, aloof, cold, uncaring. I tried to sum up all the things I could possibly detest in you to use it to my advantage." Silence. "I tried to see you as someone I cannot possibly love."

[ So this is how you see ]

"But I failed, because no matter how hard I try to hate you, how I struggled to loathe you, you always managed to shine through every dark cloud I cast upon you. You've become my secret constant source of joy. You were my biggest fan. And each day that passed, somehow, you've become the one I could always rely on. You've become the person I needed most." Silence. "You've become my life."

[ And this is how you breathe]

"At times, I thought you could feel it was all a front, that I didn't really hate you that much. That I never really hated you at all." Silence. "I thought you could see right through my mask."

[ Sometimes, I know ]

"Still at other times, my acting may have been too convincing and it perhaps threatened you, intimidated you to no end. But then again, you still talk to me. You still try to connect with me like you know the truth. How could you understand me so much?" Silence. "It's as if you could read my mind."

[ Sometimes, I go down deep ]

"Sometimes, I can feel you reaching out to me, undaunted by all the shuns and glares I send your way. You amaze me with your optimism, with your faith, with your strength. And I never thought you could get my drift. That you could see far beyond the wall I built around myself." Silence. "As though you know your way with me."

[ Beneath the deep blue sea ]

"But when I see you smiling back at me after a rant, perhaps taking in sick joy at the occasional brief peeved attention I send your way, I came to think that you might actually be enjoying this…all the vile things I do to you. You had me thinking you were weird. But in the sheer chance that you feel the same for me, I'm prompted to assume that all my crudeness wouldn't hurt you as much." Silence. "Because in some way, you get to be with me."

[ Touching every breath ]

"I get guilty, too, if you must know, whenever I'm mean to you. You don't deserve it, the rough treatment I give to you. So I try to make up for everything. The smiles I send you, the glances I steal whenever you're not looking only to be caught by you afterwards, the short albeit genuine focus I give you, the laughter I share with you…I'd have you know they're all sincere." Silence. "The mean side of me is not the real me."

[ All a sleight of hand ]

"It took me time to decide to come out and admit these to you openly. I was afraid of what you'd think of me, scared shitless you wouldn't understand. I feared you'd run down the street screaming I'm a freak. That's why I've been hiding behind my mask for years. But everything must come to an end. I've realized I should at least give it a try, to change the early perceptions you might have of me." Silence. "For all it's worth, I came here before you to admit the truth."

[ For everything you left ]

"Whenever I see you're not discouraged by my little acts of unscrupulousness, you made me think that you actually love me, too. That I wasn't imagining things when you flash me your signature cheeky smile, when I catch you staring at me longer than you should, when you try to hide the pain you feel whenever I get too chummy with him." Silence. "I'd just have to look into your eyes and I know you feel for me, too."

[ Sometimes, I give myself away ]

"You know, don't you? No matter how I try to avoid you, how I tell you that I despise you, your faith never wavered in spite of everything. When you're acting like that, it makes me assume that you know how I feel for you. That it was all just a scam you were never inclined to believe in. But you're aware of my feelings for you. I can sense it. I can feel it in the way you look at me." Silence. "When you look at me like I'm the most beautiful creature you've ever laid your eyes on, it makes me feel you know the secret I've tried so hard to keep."

[ Sometimes, I go down deep ]

"Say something." Silence. "Please?"

"I love you." Silence. "Deeply."

"I love you, too." Silence. "You have no idea."

Silence.

Silence.

"Can we quit with the silence?"

"By all means."

A melding of emotions flitting through the silence.

* * *

Somewhere on a cliff overlooking the ocean, the blonde man sitting on the grass sighed. The sun was bidding its last few orange rays to the earth as it slowly started to settle down as if gradually being gobbled up by the waters. The breeze blew gently, the waves hardly being heard splashing against the sharp rock formations below.

Serenity. That was the perfect name for it. And in his heart, he knew it was nothing but apt. He had lived a great deal of his life being surrounded by sounds, a chaotic mix of those he wanted to hear and those the wanted to let pass right out through his other ear. This peace was a welcome respite for him.

The sun was already halfway down when he took more sincere notice of the sea. It was calm, placid, silent…deep. He had always believed silent waters run deep and always a sucker for challenge, he'd venture any depths just to get to the core, to find out its mystery. He was never to back down any obstacle…except one.

He had been determined to abandon the venture, seeing it would not get him anywhere. Every time he tried to dive into the deep, the waters would only turn more unfathomable, promising no end, no goal. He had stayed under the water long enough to nearly drown himself and he decided it was time for air and announce himself a failure.

It was all before he realized the waters hadn't been so deep after all…because the waters beckoned to him.

The man sleeping in his arms stirred and snuggled even closer without waking up. The blonde smiled at the lithe form, holding his precious tighter. He planted a tender kiss on the oblivious man's temple before burying his nose into the soft mass of cerulean hair.

He cradled his beloved more lovingly, time and again telling the sea how he loved his own personal deep settled in the cradle of his arms.

[ Sometimes, I know…sometimes, I go down deep ]

Owari
2002.3.21
12:24 AM

* * *

Author's Notes

I had wanted to make this sound just as deep but I realized I wasn't as philosophical as I thought I was. Pardon the feeble attempt. Oh, yeah…the song is "Deep" by Binocular. I conceived the idea for this while I was at work so please forgive me if the train of thought wasn't as clear as I intended.

I didn't cite any names in here, but if you know me, I'd bet you know who I'm talking about anyway. And I can tell you know who's talking in here, too, right? Comments are always welcome. Thank you for reading.