I'm sitting here again, in this dimly lit room, waiting for you. Waiting for you, as always and will always.

Our secret rendezvous.

How long has it been exactly? Some months? A year? More? I can still remember the very first time it happened.

It was after another fight with her. She was getting more and more unbearable lately that sometimes I just couldn't believe that she was the same girl I had fallen in love with, that I had chosen to marry with. I guess the saying was right afterall, that woman changed after marriage.

I went to the bar then, the usual bar you, Teru, Takuro and I liked to hang out in, determined to get drunk, to forget the world, the problem. To forget the fight, to forget *her*. Determined to find some relief to this, to get happy eventhough I know it would only be small, pathetic, fake happiness.

And… and you were there, sitting on the high stool, your drink in your hands. You spotted me the time I walked -- *stormed* -- in and I knew it wasn't just my imagination. I knew you were watching me. I could *feel* it.

And I didn't know what it was, but I was kind of… pulled towards you. I just walked towards you, pulled with something I couldn't put my fingers on. Maybe it was because you looked like the answer to my problem. Maybe it was because that time you looked like an angel. The soft light in the dim room made your hair like glowing softly, casting an imaginery halo above your head. Your big brown eyes stared at me curiously, questioningly and there was something in you at that time that made you look - feel - like a very beautiful other-wordly creature.

I needed to talk to someone and there was you. After having my own drink, I gestured to one dark, empty corner of the room. I was never the one liking noisy surrounding in times like this. You stared at me then for a moment, and then you nodded. You just nodded, not asking anything, as if you had understood, as if you had known already what had happened. Maybe you had though. You nodded and - taking your drink along with you - followed me to the corner and sat.

You didn't ask anything, didn't say anything. I wished you did though. You were always the loud, curious one. It was unsettling to have you very quiet like this. But you just kept silent and stared at me, waiting for me to start talking, to explain things and reasons to you.

So I talked. I talked, babbled, ranted about my problem, about her. You didn't do anything, you just merely sat there, listening to my rant, so… attentive. And during that time, I just simply couldn't take my eyes off you. I just came to realize then that we sat a little to close, that I could felt the warmth radiating from your body. That I couldn't stop staring at your captivatingly wet, glossy lips and suddenly there was lust.

What was it about you anyway?

Suddenly you were getting too close, and suddenly it wasn't her anymore in my head. Suddenly there were only this anger, you and this lust. Suddenly I couldn't think again.

My hand shot out, grabbing you by the back of your head and pulled you roughly towards a kiss. I was a bi-sexual; you, Teru and Takuro knew about that. But I didn't know whether or not you were one too. I was so sure you weren't, and that you would push me away, as I felt you stiffen. A moment, two moments passed before I finally felt you responding. A little unsure, a little shy, a little hesitant, but you were responding.

It was such a feeling when I felt you responding. Like I just won a bet with myself. I tightened my hold on you, pushed you back and deepened the kiss. And still, you didn't push away.

And God, what a good kisser you were. Eventhough you were still a bit hesitant, eventhough you were being submissive, I could feel it. And you… you tasted good. Like a mixture of beer and strawberry, a bit bittersweet, but you tasted very good. Like something sweet and… fresh. Things that everyone would associate with you. You tasted like something so… you.

And then the kiss was getting fiercer, more urgent, more frantic and I dimly realized that my hands were all over your body. I let go of the kiss, as you gasped for air, and trailed kisses down to your chin, along your jawline, down to your neck. I sucked on the soft skin there steadily, feeling somewhat pleased to hear your breathing getting shallowed.

I licked your ear and whispered, telling you that what I wanted to do at that time was take you to some hotel and fuck you. I expected you to throw me off, to freak out and yell at me, telling me that I was crazy.

You were not responding for a moment. And then you did the thing I didn't expect you to do.

You nodded.

I kind of froze as my mind trying to believe what you just did. But you did nod. And then you stared at me, waiting for me to do something. So I pulled you roughly, out of the bar, to the car, and then the next thing I knew, we were in a room in some random hotel.

I didn't wait for anything then. I just fucked you, rough and hard, over and over. You were the one that agreed to come along, you couldn't blame me. And you didn't.

It was somewhat satisfying, the feeling after I fucked you. I said that there was nothing between us, and you nodded, telling me that you didn't think there was something between us except that random fuck who had just been over a while ago.

And then, it was over, like some quick, short dream, and I found myself back to my home, leaving you behind. And days passed, we acted like nothing had ever happened between us.

But whatever it was that I had prevented, I obviously missed one thing. The need, the want to kiss you again, to feel your soft lips on mine, to have your body under mine, to *fuck* you again.

The next fight with her eventually came again, and I found myself calling you, telling you I wanted to do the same thing like the one I had done that night in the hotel. There was a slight pause before you agreed.

So we fucked again, and as more fights with her came around, I found myself in the same room with you really often, and then I'd fuck the hell out of you, over and over again, until it became like a habit. Sometimes, in those few, rare times, you'd be the first to call, but most of the time, almost always, it was me who called first.

I'd never really taken it really seriously. Our relationship, to me it was nothing but some fucking sessions, to release my anger, my frustation.

But some time, somewhere along the line, I'd come to feel too much, I'd come to love you. Times when I started to not be able to resist the urge to brush your face, to kiss you softly and lingeringly instead of hard and quickly, to whisper words into your ears, to hiss out your name when I came.

After a couple days, I finally couldn't hold it any longer. I told you that I loved you. You just stared at me with those luminious brown eyes and I was so sure you were going to laugh at my face. But you didn't. You didn't laugh. Instead, you reached out and kissed me, telling me that you love me too.

I almost couldn't believe it. You loved me. Me, who had used you for my own reason, who had used you to satisfy my own selfish need. But you said you loved me, and I looked into your eyes, and I knew you were serious.

But what was it that flashed so quickly in your eyes? Pain? Sadness? I couldn't really tell, it was too fast, and it was quickly covered by happiness that shone from your eyes.

I was so sure then. I'd fix my behaviour, I'd spend more times with you. I'd devorce my wife, God knows we didn't love each other anymore, that the love between me and her almost didn't exist anymore. Then you and I would have more times together, we'd be happy. What a nice thought it was.

But then… but then… you got married.

I was so angry, so hurt. So much so that I didn't attend your wedding ceremony. I felt so betrayed.

I shut myself from the world then, from Teru, from Takuro, especially from you.

Looked like I was too late in reaching you. And now, I lost you to a girl. Questions swirling in my head. Did you really love me? Was I wrong when I thought that you were serious? When did you meet that girl? Why didn't you tell me? Moreover, why didn't you tell me that you were planning to marry? Why did you let me believing that by the time you said you loved me, you would always be mine? I *hated* you.

Three days afer your marriage, you came over. My wife wasn't home then, and that was a relief. You appologized, and you told me why you married her. You told me how much you were sorry. You told me… that you still loved me. I didn't believe you then. How *could* I believe you still loved me after what had happened?

But then I looked into your eyes, and I saw it. Your feeling, your emotion… your love.

I was about to say something when suddenly my wife arrived. You smiled at her, greeting her with your usual cheerful way. But I could sense that despite your cheerfulness towards her, you were a bit uneasy to be in the same room with both of us. After a little while, you stared at me, locking gazes, long and meaningful. And then you said a polite goodbye and left.

We didn't talk about the issue then, eventhough we always met each other in every practice. I could sense that you were waiting for me. Waiting for me to make my decision. And it was hard, especially knowing that you did love Reiko. That meant I had to share. And I wasn't good in sharing with other people, especially if it was about you.

Then, after one heavy fight with her, and as the urge to meet you, to just have you in my arms, to kiss you, became more unbearable… I called you. Again. For the nth times. But now I was unsure of what your answer would be. You had Reiko now, you might not need me anymore.

So I made a little bet with myself. If you agreed, that meant that I still mean something to you, that you really still need me, still want me. If you didn't, then… as much as I didn't want to do it, I'd call an end to this secret relationship we had.

You agreed.

So that night, I drove to the rendezvous point. I waited for you, in the room I had booked in advance. And waited. And waited.

You were late.

And there was this little voice in the back of my mind telling me that you wouldn't come. That you couldn't possibly be coming. That you didn't love me anymore.

It was like feeling betrayed all over again.

One hour had passed when suddenly there were soft knocks on the door. I opened it, not daring to hope that it would be you on the other side of the door, fearing if I thought, if I hoped about it, then it wouldn't be real. That it wouldn't be you.

But there was you.

A bit breathless, you appologized. I didn't really hear what you were talking about, your reasons why you were late. I was too swallowed up in this joy and relief, that you were here. That you didn't betray me.

You came into the room, staring at me, waiting, and suddenly it just started.

The way we were that night… I wouldn't say that I fucked you. I'd dare to say that… that we were making love.

And it happened again and again. None of us complaining… whenever you or I called, it would always happen. There was no holding back.

I took joy out of it. That I loved you, that I could be with you, and that you loved me too. And I knew that you enjoyed it too. But… sometimes I would see it flashing in your eyes, the sour feeling, the regret, the sadness.

I knew you felt guilty towards Reiko. You loved her, I could see it, but also, you had another lover. The nights you left her alone, the nights you were with me. Honestly, I did feel guilty for Reiko too. I didn't mean to do such a thing like this behind her back. I didn't want to do things that would make her hurt. She was a charming person, cute and genki, just like you. You two looked so sickeningly perfect with each other. Sometimes, I felt guilty for standing between you and Reiko. But there was no way in hell I'd give up on you. There was no way I would let you go.

I wanted that look to go. Sometimes, I want to make you decide whether to choose me or her. But I couldn't. I knew that would only cause you more pain. So I tried to ease things up for you with the kisses, the caresses.

It keep continuing, our secret relationship, and now, I'm waiting for you.

A soft knock on the door and I know it is you. These days, I've come to know whether it is you or not. I open the door and you walk in, smiling at me.

I look into your eyes, and see the mixture of joy and pain, happiness and sadness in those dark depths. Joy and happiness, because we are together again. Pain and sadness, because once again you cheat on her.

Do you know? Sometimes you look like a lost boy.

I reach out, pulling you to me and kiss you. I suck at you lower lips, then nibling and licking at it, running my tounge along the pouty lines of your lips. Your lips part then, giving me chance to slip my tounge into the wet warmth that was your mouth and I run my tounge on every inch of your mouth, tasting, devouring the way you taste. And then your tounge meet mine, dancing into oblivion, and I feel your hands start to wander and I have my fingers teasing you, playing with your nipple through the thin layer of your cloth and you moan into my mouth and then suddenly it is getting too hot.

I let go of the kiss and push you down onto the bed, pinning you down with my weight. I can feel your slightly harsh breathing. My body is tingling and I just can't help but notice that everytime I am with you, especially in times like this, I feel so alive, so aware of every nerve ending, of every inch of my skin. The air suddenly tastes so sweet and filled with musk and sweat and lust and it burn me alive as I breath. We are pressed against each other, chest to chest, hip to hip, sex to sex and it feel so amazingly good and right. Maybe that's why we kiss, although who kiss first is unclear. But it isn't important. What is important is that we are kissing, sweet mouth on mouth, and our tounge battling again, and your hands gripping my shirt and I'm grinding my hip against yours and it was so, so good…

Your legs are parted slightly and I thrust my leg between them to keep them open. Your lips part in a groan of pleasure and I press my advantage, my tigh rubbing at your hardness even harder. You are pulling, tearing on my shirt then, almost ripping it in your haste, but I am beyond caring, pulling savagely at your shirt and clawing at the closure of your pants.

Finally we are skin to skin, without the barrier of cloth between us and I draw back slightly to stare at you. Your eyes burning, and you clench your finger in my hair and draw me back for another searing kiss. I draw my hand to your chest, flicking at your nipples and pulling torturously, almost painfully at them. Your head falls back in helpless whimper of pleasure, and I place soft, biting kisses down your neck, pausing at your ear to breath hotly into it dark promises of pleasure and you shiver slightly in reponse.

Cool air rushes between us as I move down your body, the air conditioner whirring softly in the background. It is drowned out by your cry as I take a long lingering lick over your nipple. You arches up into it, eyes half -lidded and heavy with pleasure, locked on mine. I smile and, keeping my eyes on you, close my lips over your nipple and begin to suck, purring softly from a point deep in my body as I watch your helpless writhing beneath me. My fingers play with your other nipple absently as I watch all of your reactions, your responses with an intensity I don't dare to think too deeply about.

I close my hand around your need and you moan out my name in a pleasure near pain. I build up a rhythm, sliding up and down smoothly, letting you thrust into my hand, your own hands on my back, nails digging into the skin, leaving small red marks. Your sounds make sizzles in the still air in the room, your low, rich voice sighing and moaning into my ear like music, spilling out almost unconsciously, delirious.

I release you just before you come.

You moan in frustation as you try to push your hips to me again. Rearing up, you bite onto my shoulder, hard, and while I'm still reeling in shock, your hand squirms down my body, brusing over my stomach, so achingly close and I cry out desperately when your hand fists itself around me, and the world grays out and narrows down to the moving pulses of your hand, pushing me closer and closer to madness. Like you always do.

My fingers move your hand away in a painful grip, holding it over your head and I can't wait anymore. You are open and vulnerable and panting beneath me… I fumble for my pants, frantically searching for the lubricant as your teeth nibbling at the skin laid bare to you. I open the tube with one hand, kissing you fiercely, and I push two fingers into you, slick with lube, hurting you a little but gentleness is overwhelmed by the hot, burning need for you, the cute, hot, stubborn, unbelievably *sexy* you. And I enter you roughly, and *this* is heaven, such a feeling that always haunts me whenever I'm not with you, your heat surrounding me and you are so, so fucking *tight*…

Your lips, swollen from my kisses, part in a soundless gasp of extacy and pain and your head falling back as your hip moves to meet my thrust, crushing you deep into the mattress. I struggle to keep my eyes open, to watch the beautiful face twist in shock and extacy as you come, liquid warmth exploding between us and triggering my own as the world shatters into a million shards of pleasure and light ignites behind my eyes, blinding me, and I'm distantly aware I'm screaming your name as I spiral away from reality.

I collapse on top of you, boneless, my body still spasming with small aftershocks of pleasure. My heartbeat is racing and our soft puffs of air, ragged and uneven, mingle with each other, peacefully, as our sweat-slick bodies cooling in the afterglow.

I do not roll over. Don't want to. I just want to lie on top of you, feeling you still pressed to me, feeling your breaths on my skin. You don't push me either, instead you wrap you arms around my waist, and - feeling relieved - I burry my head in the crook of your shoulder.

We lie in comfortable silence for some peaceful moments, before you finally speak.

"I can't stay long…," you whisper to my ear. "I promise Reiko I'll come home tonight".

I tense at your words. You won't spend the night here. You'll go to Reiko.

Your hand brushes my hair lightly. "I don't know how much longer I can lie to her," you murmur. "Sometimes, when I go at night, or when I come home in the morning… I'd catch her looking at me, something flashes in her eyes, and I know she is getting suspicious… although she doesn't say it…". You take a deep breath.

You don't say it, but I catch our meaning. I swallow. "Do you… do you want our secret meeting stop?," I ask, somewhat afraid of hearing the answer. "Do you want to stop what we have between us?"

There is a long pause. But then you hold me tightly to you, and whisper into my hair. "God, no… I don't want this to stop…"

My heart bursts out in relief and I let go of the breath I have unconsciously held. I kiss you, deep, and murmuring that I love you.

"I love you too," you whisper back. "You have no idea… "

We stay like that for a while, just holding each other, as I listen to your soft, even breathing. But eventually, the time come and you tell me that you have to leave. I nod, a little reluctantly, then roll off your body, lying on my back.

"I'm sorry, Hisa…" I hear you whisper.

Why are you appologizing? If any, I should be the one to appologize. I'm the one that brought you into this.

"It's okay," I hear myself say. "I understand"

Because I do. Really. Or at least, I try to.

I hear rustles of clothes as you put on your clothes, and there is this painful pang in my heart as I realize that tonight I'll sleep alone. He's married, he's got a wife, I told myself over and over. It isn't as if I'm not married, but there is simply no love again between me and her.

You finish clothing and catch me staring at you. "Hisa…"

"It's okay, Jiro, really," I smile reassuringly at you. "You should go home now. Reiko is waiting. Say hello to her from me, 'kay?"

""You'll… you'll call me again, right?"

"I will," I promise. Because I will, really. I won't let you go, ever.

You bent down and kiss me softly. "Goodnight, Hisa…"

"Goodnight… Jiro…"

Something flashes again in your eyes, pain, regret, … love. And then you turn to the door and I see you leaving.

You are going home now, back to the warm comfort of your home, back to the sunny smiles and love of your wife. The place where you should be. I wish your place were with me.

But you know what, Jiro? I'm dealing with it better now. Now I can accept that I have to share you with Reiko. Now I can accept that you are not entirely mine.

Because you still love me. And it's okay if I have to share you, if I have to have your attention, your love not solely on me, just as long as I still have your love.

I draw up the comforter to my chin, trying to make myself as comfortable as possible, hugging the pillow you just used a while ago. It still has the faint smell of you, you know?

I have half of you.

And that's much better than not having you at all.

~owari^^~