It's beautiful. They're beautiful. Together like this, the way they seembound without ever touching. I know I'm staring but I can't help it. A part of me wants to capture this moment like a photograph, keep it in all its perfection locked away in the timeless space in my mind where things never change. Another part of me wants to run. Run as far and as fast as I can
until I finally find that place where it doesn't hurt.

"Ah, sumimasen!" Teru bumps into me on his way past. He's in a hurry to reach the food, I can tell. But the physical contact is enough to break me free of whatever hold the sight of them had over me. So I walk over to where they're sitting on the sofa to say my hellos.

Hisashi sees me first and his face lights up. He looks so happy! The smile I give him in return is completely genuine. How could I not be happy for him? Next to him Jiro sits up and offers me a grin. He is looking as cheerful as ever, perhaps more so. And why shouldn't he? I would certainly be cheerful if I was the one marrying Hisashi. Hisashi stands, touching
myshoulder.

"Izumi!! I'm so glad you came! I wasn't- that is, I thought you mi-" I cut him off before he can finish. "Of course I came Hisa! How silly to think I wouldn't!"

I hug him. Tightly, but not so tightly that he could guess how much this tiny bit of contact means to me.

"Aaa~ Sou." He returns my hug briefly before releasing me in favor of grasping Jiro's hand. I'm surprised; it stings less than I expect it to. I suppose I'm used to it by now. I know for a fact that my face shows none of my true emotion. Well, not the painful parts. No one knows that I'm anything more than Hisa's ex-girlfriend who took our break up particularly well and maintained a friendship with him. Which is true. I am his ex-girlfriend. And I did maintain a friendship with him. Hell, I think we get along better now than we did while we were dating!

Thing is, no one knows what really happened. No one knows that I was the one who broke up with him. That I was the one who told him he belonged with Jiro, not with me. And no one knows that I'm still very much in love with him. Well, no one except maybe Jiro. Jiro has probably known the whole truth right from the start. But rather than make things awkward between us, it has actually made us friends.

At one point, there was even speculation in the music media that Hisashi had left me because I was with Jiro! What a joke.. I think I must have let the mask slip because Jiro gives me That Look and murmurs something about us getting some refreshments.

Neither of us speaks on the way there. The silence speaks volumes. Three large bowls of "punch" are on the table next to what must be thirty platters of dainty looking snacks. Jiro hands me a crystal glass filled withthe red liquid before ladling a glass for himself as well.

I take a sip; it's only lightly spiked. I suppose they wouldn't want any of the guests to be drunk before the ceremony, but I find myself wishing I had something stronger to put in the fruit drink. Some kind of numbing agent..

"Izumi-chan?" Jiro's soft voice intrudes and I realize I've been staring into my glass. I shift my gaze to his eyes and offer a small smile. It's the same smile that usually earns me a smile and some comment about how nice I'm looking. Jiro doesn't disappoint.

"You look very nice today," he says sweetly. I murmur something in response, one hand smoothing imaginary wrinkles out of the cream colored skirtI'm wearing. I did dress with care. I'm wearing a loose silk blouse and matching skirt and have my hair swept back from my face. The only color on me is in my earrings: blue teardrop sapphires. Somehow, they had seemed fitting when I was dressing. I wanted to look nice. After all, two of my best friends are binding themselves to each other today.

Another sip of his punch and then he comes to the heart of the matter. "How are you doing?" he says softly. Those wide brown eyes are looking at me, in me, and I know there is no point in lying to him. There never has been.

"I've been better," I respond. "I'm...happy for you, both of you, but...but it still hurts."

Jiro nods slightly, knowing eyes still on mine. "I'm sorry Izumi. I love you and the last thing I want is for you to hurt. You're one of my best friends and I want you to be here but.. you've already done so much by giving up Hisa. If this is too painful..."

He sighs. A very tiny part of me is almost glad that he's experiencing discomfort over all this. He's the one that Hisa really loves, the one that I could only ever hope to play second fiddle to. But most of me wants to hug him. I know that Jiro would have given up Hisa to me if the situation had been reversed and I know that he is "the one" for the love of my
life.

"Mou~ Jiro chan~! You know I wouldn't miss this!!" My pout isfeigned but the sentiment is not. The tightness in my chest loosens a bit at the smile I get. I truly do love the blond bassist. Sometimes, when certain memories arise, when it doesn't hurt quite so much, I have even thought that maybe, if things were different.

Jiro's laugh is like a spring rain; it makes everything feel clean, new. It's enough to put a real smile on my face. Enough to make me hug him. His arms around me are tight and reassuring, reminiscent of Hisashi's. We don't say anything. Everything has already been said too many times as it is. I can see Hisashi looking at us across the room. The look on his face..

I have gone out of my way to keep him from knowing how much I still love him. Because I know that if he knew how much it cost me to release him to Jiro, he wouldn't go. He would rather risk unhappiness with me than love with Jiro. That's just the kind of man he is. It would kill him in the end though. Because it would hurt Jiro, and because one can only live with so
much unhappiness before it leaves you a shell of a being. At least this way the two most important men in my life are happy. Happy together.

But looking at him now I wonder if he doesn't suspect. There is a shadow in his eyes that is out of place at this happy time. I send him a smile. Hisashi is far from stupid; keeping him in the dark even a little can be a full-time job sometimes.

It seems like the time has just flown by because the next thing I know we're all outside. It's not a particularly remarkable day. The sun is not all that bright, there aren't any amazing clouds, the temperature is neither cold nor hot, there is nothing to distinguish this as a somehow special day. Nothing except the subtle shine in Hisa's eyes. I can see his
face from where I'm standing, just behind and to the left of Jiro. He is normally rather serious in public. Some would say stern, some would say shy, it never mattered to me. But today all that is set aside. There is no mistaking the look of
absolute adoration on his face. It's soft, and quiet, much like Hisa. I can see the words trembling on his lips, barely held in check, willing themselves spoken. "Jiro....aishiteru.." His fingertips tremble as if they want to touch the man in front of them.

I ache. I'm numb. My throat burns and a little sigh escapes me. Tsk. I have to be more careful. I accept my loss, but I won't allow any sadness to tarnish this ceremony. It's vaguely western in style. It's also very secret. Anyone who finds out about is to be told this is a video for a new single. It's not entirely a lie. They do have a new single coming out.
And it will feature a wedding. Just not this one.

Another little sigh escapes my lips. I know why they keep it a secret; life is hard enough being as famous as they are, being a famous, "married," gay couple would be.almost unbearable. Still, I wish they could be more open. It seems so unfair that after all the pain the three of us have gone through, the results still have to be cloaked in secrecy. On the other hand.they'll have privacy Hisashi and I would never have had if we'd married.

The ceremony is ending. I know my thoughts are wandering, probably because I know what's coming. The kiss. They have exchanged rings, which they intend to wear on chains around their necks. They drift close, almost like they are in water, smooth, without effort. My breath catches when their lips touch. When they kiss, it's like time stops. In some way they stop being Jiro and Hisashi and become one person. There is no movement amongst the observers; they too feel it. Nothing moves, no one breathes; everything is bound up in the gentle touch of lips to lips.

Time has shifted, stepped to the side, letting things pause for a never-ending moment before sliding back into place with a soft, sighing breath. The two men part, but not completely, their fingers intertwined. My love and his love. My two loves. One who is my heart, the other the one who holds it. There is a slow movement in the tiny crowd to greet the "newlyweds" and I let the people around me pass me by.

When everyone else has offered their congratulations, I slowly walk over to Hisashi. Jiro must have left when I wasn't looking, because he's nowhere to be seen. Hisa's hair is a little messy, I want to fix it, but I don't. We just stare at each other for a while before either of us speaks.

"I know this must be hard for you," he starts, eyes searching, "But it means a lot to have you here."

I open my mouth to say something quaint and reassuring, but instead, the truth comes out. "Most of me wants to be here Hisa. All the important parts do. And yes, this is difficult..but seeing you and Jiro this happy...is enough." His eyes..I can't quite put my finger on it, but for the second time, I get the feeling he knows more than he lets on. He smiles then, just slightly, and brushes my face with the back of his hand gently.

I allow myself a tiny kiss to his palm, affectionate, nothing more. And then Jiro's arms are around me from behind and his voice is in my ear. "Are you trying to steal my husband already 'Zumi-chan?"

We all smile and Jiro gives me a peck on the cheek and a squeeze before he transfers his arms to Hisa. And suddenly it clicks. This is it. I think some part of me had been thinking that as long as they were just "together," there would always be a chance. Even though I knew it could never be, there was that one foolish part, the part that caused the most pain with its inability to truly relinquish. But now, with this simple display, that part is gone. Jiro is Hisa's and Hisa is Jiro's. I'm close to them, and we'll always be more than "just friends," but I'm still on the outside. It's still them and me, even within the context of "us."

But as much as it hurts, and it does, oh that part doesn't die without pain.I'm glad. It's a relief somehow, not to have to hope anymore. Maybe now I can really, truly let go. Move on. Heal.

A man touches Hisashi on the arm from behind and whispers something in his ear. He turns back to us. "The car is ready Ji-chan, I'm gonna go get our bags." He kisses Jiro and then turns back to me. "Arigatou, Izumi," his voice is full of suppressed excitement at the coming trip. He holds me for a moment, and I relish this last touch. Then he's gone. There is no hesitation in his step. He walks firmly into his new life.

Jiro smiles at me. "We should go. Like Tono said, arigatou. I.." He stops, realizing perhaps that there is simply nothing left to say. He surprises me though. He kisses me. His lips on mine are firm and soft, his hands on my face are gentle and strong. It feels.nice. Somehow the fact that my ex-boyfriend's husband is kissing me is not strange. Because it's Jiro
who's touching me like this. His kiss says what no words could have. It somehow soothes the ache where the hopeful part of me has died.

When he pulls away, we're both smiling. His thumb brushes my cheek. "You have beautiful eyes 'Zumi-chan." And then he, too, is gone. I'm left with a bemused smile on my lips and the strangest sensation somewhere in the region of my lungs. I'm on my own. I have myself, the odd swirl of emotions inside me, and a choice: to continue like this, hurting but
safe in the familiarity of my pain, or more frightening, to choose a life beyond it. I wonder which I will choose. I wonder if I'm strong enough to make the healthy decision.

I put this aside as I walk to my car. I have work tomorrow and I have to visit my parents the next day. I'm sure there are messages on my cell. I occupy myself with mundane thoughts because I don't want to face the future just yet. For some reason though, I can't erase the memory of Jiro's voice.

"You have beautiful eyes 'Zumi-chan."