... d.r.e.a.m.s...




	Notes : The text in italic and in the [ ] are the translated lyric. It's actually a song in Indonesian and I translated it into English so you can understand too^^. It was pathetically translated though, since it didn't sound as great and moving like the real version, but oh well^^... I tried^^. The title is " Semua Tak Sama " which means "Everything's Not The Same" by my fave Indonesian band, PADI^^. * * * [ In my mind, planted for so long A million illusions of you The light of my heart becomes dim Remembering what you have given me ] I stare in the darkness of the bedroom, this bedroom that's not mine, at the pale moonlight that shines through the windows, casting ghostly shadows on the floors. The person that's lying beside me is fast asleep, deep in his slumber. While I… I can't. Couple weeks ago, in times like this, I would've gone sleep too. Times after making love, times after sex… I'd fall asleep contently, hearing your soft breathing and smelling the sweet smell of your shampoo. Those times ago, when I was still with you, the beautiful blonde angel of mine. I sigh, giving up trying my vain effort to sleep. I turn a little to the side, to the person that is sleeping beside me. Teru. He has his arm drapes across my stomach, holding me to him possesively like he always does. He never snuggles up to me. I miss having someone snuggling up to me. Making me feel needed, making me feel like my arms is the safest place on earth for him. I miss having you snuggling up to me… You. Jiro. My little lover. My… ex little lover. I move his hand aside, quietly and carefully so not to wake him, and I step down from the bed. I pick a random bathrobe and wear it to cover my naked body. I take a pack of cigarrete and lighter and walk to the balcony. The cool night breeze welcomes me as I step onto the cold tiles of the balcony. The world is eerily quiet, with some faint night noises. The neighbourhood is deep in slumber. I take a cigar and lit it, taking a deep first drag and blow out a bit harshly. I look up, staring at the endless sky up there. Tonight the sky is clear, a deep blue with some violet streaks. There are so many stars up there, twinkling merrily. … I've never known that I can see so many stars in Tokyo… I stare at the moon, and find myself deeply absorbed for some moments by its soft pale light. So beautiful, shining down into the darkness serenely. I've never really noticed the beauty of the stars and the moon before… I guess all those times ago, I was too absorbed in another beauty. Your beauty, Jiro, glowing, bright… blinding. So utterly captivating that I couldn't take my eyes off you. … I still can't take my eyes off you … Even until this time… whenever I see you, in practice, in meeting, anywhere… everywhere… you are still the same like you used to be. Still the same lovely Jiro in my memory. … I still… love you. So much, that it almost hurts… [ Time goes slowly, accompanies me Walking along the destiny of my life I have hang on enough In the crossroad of my past ] Why did I let you go? How could I be so stupid? I take a deep drag of the cigarette. How long has it been actually? Two weeks? Three weeks? More? I've lost track of it… but I still remember your face that particular day… Broken. Bitter. Utter disbelief. Sad. The look of utter betrayal… I don't think I could hurt you worse than that… In that moment the time stopped. Every word died in my lips, every reason, every excuse was just as useless like a little lamp in a blinding sun light. You… … You caught me in bed with Teru… That night… when he and I were so drunk… when I lost my mind… I grip the balcony railing tightly as the memories come back in a flash. That moment, that very second, I have… I have broken you, crushed you into pieces. I still remember it clearly. As your face became ghostly pale, as the sparks in your eyes faded away, as the glass in your hand fell to the floor with a loud crash, splattering its content to the floor. I still remember… as you wordlessly turned away and ran out of my house as quickly as possible. Teru had run after you, but he was too late… I… I could only sat on the bed, freezing in spot, still paralized by the look in your eyes a few moments earlier… I have crushed whatever faith, whatever love you have in me… [ Trying to fight the bitterness that I keep tasting Penetrating into my soul Trying to forget the smell of your breath, of your being Running in my veins ] Jiro. Jiro, Jiro, Jiro… My little lover. My little Jiro-chan… Do you know how much I miss you? Do you have any idea how much I wish we could be like we used to be? I flick my cigarette, watching the ashes that fall from it. Just like… your love for me… it used to burn passionately, but now… it's only ashes, that cannot be revived back… I wish it would burn again. But I know I have no right to wish so, because… because I'm the one who turned it into ashes with my own hands… If I… begged for forgiveness… would you… no, even that's too late… Even if you forgive me, things between us will never be the same again… not like what we want it to be…not like what I wish it to be… You… cried the time you confronted me about it. About my relationship with Teru. Those shiny, pearl like tears that rolled down your cheeks, glimmering under the light… And your eyes… your eyes… …Your eyes were like broken mirrors… glassy, broken… glassy, but without any reflection… empty. I miss those sparks in your eyes. You know, your eyes used to be like a magic mirror, always openly reflecting your emotions, your thoughts, your zest for life… But now… they are devoid of all of those things… clear, shiny, but… empty… like a mirror that has lost its magic. My heart… it bled seeing you like that… it hasn't stopped bleeding, Jiro, ever since that time… Even until this day, when I look at you… when I stare into your eyes, trying to get into your soul… it's empty. I search, but I can't find it… the lively sparkles that used to be there time to time… the endlessly humorous sparks… the laughter, the love… I can't find it… [ Everything's not the same… never the same… What I touch… what I kiss… As warm as your embrace… as soft as your caress… No one can ever be like you… ] I eventually fell into Teru's arms, into his love… and these times, I can't stop wondering… are you alone? Or do you have someone else beside you now? Do you love someone else now? Someone who is able to lit up the sparks in you again? Do you hate me? Do you miss me? Everytime I look at you… do I still have my chance to be forgiven? Is the road to reach you still opened for me? Do you miss the way we used to be? Do you miss me like I miss you? And everytime I'm with Teru… everytime I'm in his arms… those times that I spend with him… do I really love him? Or am I just running away? From you? From reality? Tell me, Jiro… am I just running away? I'm living a lie every day now… from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, most of the time I am pretending… laughing when I am actually sad, in love while I am actually not… I'm pretending most of the time… in anything, in everything. When the night comes, it's a bit relieving, because the lie for today will soon be over. But it's never long enough, the relief that I feel. Because tomorrow will soon come, and I will live another day with lie… A couple walk by below, chattering happily, lovingly with each other. I miss you so much, Jiro… koi… you have no idea how much I yearn to be with you. How much I want to hold you in my arms, telling you how much I love you. How much I want to run my fingers in the mass of soft blonde locks of yours, how much I want to kiss you… I want to… I want to spend every single day seeing your smile and hearing your laughter. You have no idea, koibito, really… Do you know? Whenever I close my eyes… whenever I go to sleep, I… I see you… clear and bright in the dark world of mine… like an angel… like a dream, like a wish that is too far, too high to reach… The wind blows softly and I hear the door behind me opened softly. There are faint footsteps and then strong arms wrap themselves around my waist. Teru. "Can't sleep?" he mumbles, kissing my neck softly. "Aa… did I wake you up?" "Kinda… I awoke because I felt the space beside me was empty…" he says, keeps nuzzling my neck. "What are you doing out here?" "… Nothing…" "You should go in, then. It's warmer there" "I know. I just… want to be here a moment more. You just go back there, I'll catch up with you" "I won't go back there without you" he says stubbornly. "Suit yourself then," I shrug a little. "I want to finish my cigarette" There is a light silence and then suddenly, before I can react, he spins me around, facing him. I grab the railing to keep my balance. "What…?" He snatches the cigarette from my hand, crushes it to the railing. He put his hand behind my head and then he… he kisses me, holding me tightly to him, preventing me from going away. His kiss… his kiss is gentle, warm and refreshing, comforting, like the feeling when you are with the person you've known well all your life. His kiss is different with yours, Jiro… yours is fiery and passionate, needing and wanting, challenging. He breaks the kiss abruptly, leaving me a bit bewildered. "… Teru…?" "You are doing it again, Hisashi" he says. "Doing what?" "I'm not Jiro, Hisashi!" he snaps. "I can feel it, you know…. When we are kissing, it's not me that you're kissing, it's Jiro. When you look at me, you don't see me. You see Jiro. In almost every thing, you… you don't see me as Teru. You see me as Jiro!" "I don't!" "You don't realize it, Hisa… but I do. I can see it in your eyes… those gaze that is only for Jiro… you may deny this, but… in your eyes, I know that you expect me to be Jiro" "That's not true!!" I snap back. Because that is not true… right? That is not… "So prove it, Hisa! Prove it that I'm wrong," he says, cupping my face with his hands. "Look at me, Hisa… Look at me. It's Teru that you see… right? It's Teru that you see… not Jiro. It's Teru that standing here in front of you, that's talking to you… it's Teru, not him. Not Jiro. So don't look for Jiro in me, because you won't find it, Hisa. Don't expect me to be Jiro, because… because I'm not. I'm Teru, Hisa, not Jiro, and I'm sure as hell not his subtitute" [ What's the meaning of my life, supporting me in this emptiness Everything crumbles, without support Leaning only on you I can't, I really can't… Replace you with her/him ] I am completely thrown back by his words. With his words I realize that… that he is right. That all these times, I have unconsciously been expecting him to be you. In my desperation to have you again, to have your love again, I have expected him to turn into you. I stare at him and… and I don't see you. I can't… I can't find any trace of you in him. His hair's brown, not blonde. His eyes are not big, almond-shaped eyes. His lips are not full and pouty, his cheeks are not chubby… It's Teru… not you. Why is it so hard to accept that fact? "Stop… stop thinking about him, Hisa," he whispers softly. "We both know that it's been over between you and him. That you and him are not an item anymore" It feels like falling, like losing my ground, you know, hearing his words. That you and I are over. That you and I are not item anymore. All the memories with you… they break into pieces at his words. "I don't want to say this, Hisa, but… he doesn't love you anymore. Accept that" But … but you are still there… despite the breaking and falling memories around you… tall and high… bright and blinding… like always and… will always be… "That's not true!" Because… I'm still love you… eventhough you may hate me now, but I… I… "I love you, Hisa. Do you love me?" Do I love him? Do I love him just as much as I love you? Do I want his love? When I keep silent, he brushes his fingers softly on my cheek. "I know you are still confuse, Hisa, but I just want to tell you that it's time for you to wake up from your dream. You understand right? I care about you… I love you and I can make you love me…" I look into his eyes… so warm, so beautiful, so honest… I know what he just said came from his heart. I want to love him back, I really do. He deserves it… what I'm not sure is that whether or not I deserve his love, knowing that… that actually I still love you more. "… I will make you love me…" He loves me. And he's willing to try to make me love him back. He's giving me a chance… … I can try to love him back… or at least, I can pretend to… "…Aa…" I've said it. In one way, I've said it that I'll try to love him. Jiro… would you hate me…? Why do I have to worry about that anyway? You have hated me and I don't think there is anything worse than that but… but… He smiles a little. "Remember, Hisa," he says again, stroking his thumb on my cheek softly. "When you are with me, see me. When you are with me… just remember to forget him… okay?" Remember to forget you? Forget you?? How can I? How, in God's name, can I do that? These memories of you, of us… they are in every space of my heart, of my mind… how can I forget you? Your deep, sexy voice, your bright laughter, your expressive eyes, your cute smile, your endless energy… your love, your kiss, your touch… "… I'll try..,." That is one big, fat lie. I have a snowball's chance in hell to be able to forget you. Because I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of you, to let go of these memories… I'm not even willing to try to forget you… He smiles. "Let's go in" "No, you first… I still want to be here" Doubt flashes on his face, so I quickly reassure him. "I'll catch up with you soon. Promise" "Okay," he smiles, his hand squeezing mine softly. He walks into the apartment again, leaving me alone outside. [ Everything's not the same… never the same,,, What I touch… what I kiss… As warm as your embrace… as soft as your caress No one can ever be like you… ] I look out at the neighbouring, the soft glowing lamps of the street lamps and the houses. Somewhere, Jiro, where you are… I know it's selfish, I know I don't have the right to wish so, but… I hope, no matter how small, you still hold the fond memories of us in your heart. My hand goes to the necklace around my neck, fingers absently playing with the little chains. Nothing too fancy about the necklace, but it is just in the right style I want it to be… it's from you… Your smiling, loving face when you gave me the necklace… Jiro… I'm so sorry… The wind blows a bit harder and I see that the leaves are starting to fall… Ah, so it's almost autumn, ne… I watch, as more leaves fall… and… I don't know why but I feel… sad. I feel like crying. The wind craddles the fallen leaves gently, and I find myself placing an apology on every leave that falls. For you. For Teru. For everything that should be but cannot be. For the way things have turned out to be… … I'm sorry… I take a deep breath and walk to the door. But something makes me stare up at the sky again, at one single star that suddenly is so bright. Can I put a wish on it? If I can… I wish that tomorrow, I can see a true smile on your face. That tomorrow, I can see those sparks in your eyes, regardless of who that has lit them again. That tomorrow… that tomorrow I can see the you that I love so much. I open the door quietly, so not to disturb him. I walk to the bed and climb on it as quietly as possible. He is fast asleep. I watch his sleeping form, and brush a soft bang from his face. … He doesn't smile contently as I brush his hair… He doesn't snuggle up instinctively to me as I lie beside him… Unlike you… … But then again… he is not you… I know I can try to love him, Jiro, but I… I wish you were here, telling me that everything's gonna be alright. Teasing me for being too paranoid over things… These times, I just wish I could pull you out of my dreams and hugged you… I spend quite some times just staring blankly at the moonlight that's dancing through the clear window. … At the end, I eventually fall asleep, seeing you behind my eyes… [ Until when will you keep holding on Until when will you keep drowning Until when will you be lost Open your eyes, and let your heart concents everything… ] ~Owari^^~