Cold, arrogant bastard. Son of a bitch.

Honestly, that was my first impression when I met you. And really, could you blame me for that? You really weren't the most welcoming person I knew. Obviously so unlike Teru.

Maybe that was why our relationship was strained.

And to think that we were actually - or at least supposed to be - band mates… I wished we could get along better. Like the way I got along well with the rest of the guys here, or if you want it, like the way you got along so well with them.

I saw you laughing, with Teru, with Takuro… with the concert staff… I wished you and I could laugh together too. Real laugh, not the forced or half-hearted ones.

I wished you would just tell me what was it in me that made you resent me. If you told me, maybe I could fix it, my behaviour that you didn't like.

Yeah, it was like… I wanted to do almost anything so you would accept me as your friend. Real friend, not just plain band mate. That was how much, how badly I wanted to be accepted in GLAY, being the last member to join.

Takuro did accept me, he was the one to recruit me afterall. Teru accepted me too, he was just too friendly to not to. But you… was I such an outsider to you?

Band mates, that was what we were supposed to be. Band mates that went along really well with each other. In the concert, in the television, in front of the public, that was what we were, ne? Laughing together, sitting near each other, pretending like the relationship between us were very nice.

But actually, there was this space between us. Space that separated us, space that I couldn't cross. And eventhough yes, you and I did talk to each other, yes, you and I did discuss things together, but… but the space between us remained the same. Silent. Dark and empty.

Did you feel it? Did you feel it? Know how painful it was to have such a space like that to the person you really hoped would take you as friend?

I tried to cross it. Once, twice. I was known for my stubborness and that would never change. But the looks and glares that you kept throwing my way… it made me back down. It felt like crying, being resented like that. Do you know?

I tried to cross it, this space that separating us. Why didn't you try too? Was I, was my friendship not worth anything to you? I… I wanted so badly to just grab your hand and pulled you down here, with me, drowned into the deafening silence and the hollow darkness of the space between us. I wanted you to feel what I felt.

I didn't do that though. I had to admit that yes, I was afraid that you would resent me even more if I tried to do that.

You were becoming somewhat unreachable, you know? I could touch you, I could feel you, but… but I couldn't reach you.

It was frustating. And somehow, as time passed by, I… I found myself giving up on you. I shouldn't have done it, I know. Shameful as it was, I had had enough. I had had enough resentment from you and if you didn't want my friendship, then fine, suit yourself.

I saw you drifting away, out of my reach. And I watched too, sadly, as the space between us streched, wider and wider by each passing time. I tried to forget it, run away from the bitter reality of your resentment, and drowned myself into the music, into GLAY, into the brightness and warmth of Teru and Takuro's friendship.

But still… I wanted you. Teru and Takuro's friendship should be Teru, Takuro and Hisashi's friendship. I wanted it to be that way. Was I greedy? Was I asking too much?

The questions keep on ringing in my head until now. And as I watch you now, drunk into oblivion, the questions ring even louder.

There are only the two of us now. Teru and Takuro have gone home earlier, trusting you into my hand to bring you home safely. Why did they do this? Why did they give the responsibility to me? Didn't… don't they see that we aren't getting along? Don't they see that you hate me?

I guess Teru must have sensed my suddenly frantic thought, because he patted my head lightly and smiled at me, as if he telling me that it was going to be okay. That this was my chance.

Yes, I know, this is my chance. This is my chance to try to cross this silent space again. And I want so badly to just step my foot there, but… but how? How should I make my first step when I don't even know how to reach you?

Don't just sit drunkenly like that! Fuck you, help me doing this! Don't you see? *Can't* you see how desperate I am to reach you?

And when I am so busy trying to find a way, *any* way to cross this space, you suddenly look up and stare at me. Your mouth opens a bit and the three simple words come out from your mouth.

"I hate you"

Ouch. That hurts terribly. Of all the things to open a conversation, it has to be those words. I am so taken aback that I simply stare back and gape slightly at you.

You chuckle lightly, maybe seeing my expression. Well, hello! What do you expect when someone, out of nowhere, tells you what you just told me?

"You know that, right?" you say again.

The hell I do! I slam the table and stand. "What is the point of telling me those things, Hisa?" I grit my teeth. "You want to start another fight? Can't we have a civil moment by ourselves?"

"Maa, calm down," you slurred. "Sit down, or else, tomorrow all the people in Japan would know that we really didn't get along well"

Well, hell, maybe that's better! "Isn't it what you want?" I hiss as I throw myself back to the chair. "So you don't have to pretend that we are friends…". I sigh in defeat. Instead of stepping forward, I am stepping backward. Pathetic.

"It is," you mumble. "It was… sometimes ago…"

I frown, not really catching what you meant. "Huh…?"

Your hands play absently with your half-filled glass. "Know why I hate you?"

I stare at you.

//… know why I hate you?…//

No, I don't… and would it be hurt to find out? Would it be… but then again, isn't it what I want? To know what you hate so much in me so that I can fix it?

"…Why…?"

"Because… you were such a threat to me…"

I blink. Well, honestly, that was a bit unexpected. I kinda hoped you would say something like "I hate you because you are annoying" or because I am too loud, too noisy, or… something.

But… I'm a threat? I've never thought about it that way. I can't think of what way I can ever be a threat to you.

"You see… I used to be the center of attention between us. Takuro and Teru… Takuro and Teru were really … what to say? They were so attentive and caring to me. We were so close together… we did almost everything imaginable together. We were… attached deeply to each other… when they went to a bar and I said, no, I'm sorry but I can't go, they'd whine and practically dragged me to the bar. Or if I were too stubborn to not come along with them, they'd invite themselves to my small apartment and drink over there, just so we could drink together. And I felt so… important to them. Felt like I was needed"

"But then… you came. I knew I should be thankful for you, because with you in GLAY, I didn't have to argue with Takuro over who should play the bass. But… but Teru and Takuro's over enthusiasm about you… it irked me. Somehow, it made me feel… jealous. That they were so happy with your presence. That you were so important for GLAY…:

I feel like I don't believe what I am hearing. Am I hearing things? I can't believe that all of these words came from you. The usually calm, cold, unreachable you. It must be the alcohol. This time though, I'm kinda thankful for the alcohol.

I only wonder… whether tomorrow you will remember what you say now.

"God, I hated you, really… you, who was the new boy in the gang… you, who had taken away Teru and Takuro's attention from me… you, who was so unaware of what you made me feel…". You laugh bitterly. Short laugh, as if laughing at yourself, shaking your head a little. "Ironically though… you were the one who made me feel needed again… all your attempts to be friend with me…"

You run your fingers through your hair and sighs. "… so childish, ne? I know, but I couldn't help it…"

I bit my lips, wanting to say something, anything, but can't find anything to talk about. I'm at a sudden loss of words… your sudden confession really stuns me. I just can sit there, opposite you, waiting, in nervousness and anticipation, for you to speak again.

"When we started to fight… I knew that you started to get tired to try to be friend with me… Part of me felt satisfied, because I wouldn't be disturbed by you again… but there was this other part too, that was… sad whenever I saw you… talking and laughing with the other but me… it felt like being left out…"

You sigh, and then your head is bowed deeply that I can't see your face again because your hair falls down and makes curtains that hide your face. "Then I knew that… that I actually wanted your friendship too, just as much as you wanted mine. I guess… I was too arrogant to admit it… but I… I didn't know how to try to get your friendship back. I was - am - afraid that you still hate me and don't want me again, and…"

You stop, and there is his heavy silence between us. I kinda wait for you to talk again, but you don't give any sign that you will talk again. So I guess… this is my turn to talk.

But what should I say? I can't even find any decent enough word to open a conversation. But somehow, this time, you don't look so unreachable anymore. This time, as I lock my eyes on you, I feel that if I try, I will be able to reach you.

"… I don't know that you talk much when you are so horribly drunk like this…"

Well, okay, I guess that's a safe enough way to open a conversation… And dimly, I realize that I'm stepping forward again, making my first step to cross the space between us again.

You look up and stare at me uncertainly.

I manage to throw you a grin. "And that you turn into a hopless sap while being drunk…"

A second passes, and then your expression softens and … you smile. And that is an honest, pure smile. The first time I ever have you smiling that way to me.

And at your smile, I feel myself relax as the nervousness goes away.

Do you know? You look very pretty when you smile…

"You don't know what's worse than this.." you smile.

I grin back, and joyfully relize that this time, you are stepping your foot too into the space between us.

It feels much better now, you know? I don't know whether you told me all of these things just because you are drunk or whether tomorrow you will still remember about this or not, but honestly, I don't care.

What I care is that tonight is the start of our friendship. That from now on, you and I will not only be bandmates, but also real friends.

"Okay," I grin. "To celebrate our newly established friendship, how about tonight we drink into oblivion?"

Not really my style obviously to get horrendously drunk, but I'm making an exception for tonight.

You grin widely and raise your glass. "That is the best idea I heard today"

* * *

The next day, I realize that my decision last night, to get horrendously drunk, maybe was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. I woke up with this killer headache penetrating my skull. And then I spent quite some times this morning throwing up in the toilet. God, if only you knew how awful it was…

I step unsteadily towards the practice room and I am practically stumbling into it. I guess I must look really awful because Takuro raises his eyebrows at me and Teru is chuckling amusedly the second they look at me.

"Looks like you've got quite a night, huh, Jiro?" Takuro speaks up.

Teru shakes his head, still smiling amusedly. "My, don't you ever learn, Jiro-chan? And I thought that one time when you get horribly drunk with us was enough to make you not touching alcohol again…"

I stick out my tounge at them. "I just felt like to," I growl. "God, someone make this headache gone please!"

"Well, you're not the only one," Takuro shrugs and nodding to the sofa.

I averted my gaze to the sofa… and see you lying there, looking no better than me.

At the time, I wonder what to do. Should I just greet you? Would you answer my greeting? Would you remember that last night we promised to be friend? Would you…

"Ohayou, Hisashi"

You open your eyes and look up from where you are lying and stare back at me. And then you you grin at me lightly, the very same grin you had last night.

"Ohayou, Jiro"

Such a welcome, such an acceptance. I glance at Teru and see him smiling and winking at me, and then I know that I have accomplised one thing.

Now, I have your friendship. And your genuine smiles. And your friendly chat.

There is still this space between us, as we still try to build our relationship, but I watch, happily and joyfully now, as the space narrows.

There's still space between us, and it is still somewhat silent. But at least, it isn't dark and empty like it used to be.

~owari^^~