I have only slipped away into the next
room
I am I, you are you
Whatever we were to each other,
That we are still
Call me by the old familiar name
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes that we enjoyed together
Play
Smile
Think of me
Pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was
Let it be spoken without an effort,
Without a ghost of shadow upon it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is an absolute and unbroken continuity
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just round the corner
All is well
-- " Death Is Nothing at All " , Henry Scott Holland --
The room fell into a deafening silence after the man in front of him finished
his words.
Jiro felt his whole body tense up and dread crawled up his spine. For a moment, he lost focus. For a moment, the room was swirling; for a moment, everything was a blur.
"You said WHAT??" a voice exclaimed from beside him.
Hisashi.
Hisashi was practically jumping out from his seat, an expression of total disbelief etched on his beautiful face.
Jiro was sure that exact expression was on his face too now.
There were only three of them in that small, sterile room that smelled of medicines. And the man in front of him tugged at his white jacket uneasily before coughing a little and speaking the words that Jiro never thought he would hear in his life.
The words he never thought would ever be directed to him.
"I'm sorry, but it's cancer"
And at that moment, he felt his world started to crumble. He felt his dreams for the futere fade away, all his plans, all his hopes breaking into pieces. He saw the future ahead him, which once had been bright and promising, now started to darken.
When the doctor first said it, it had been more like in a dream state like situation, but now… now when he said it for the second time… it felt so real.
His grim face and his sympathetic, regretful tone.
It's… reality.
And Jiro realized that he… he had cancer.
It felt surreal. He'd never felt any sign. Sure lately his health condition hadn't been very good, but he thought it was because his lack of rest. He thought it was the usual sickness. He thought with some usual medicines he'd be okay again.
Three days ago he had went to the doctor… so that was why the doctor had insisted on doing blood test and physical exam…
God, he thought it was only a common symptom of flu… but… but…
"What state?" he heard Hisashi ask abruptly, choking on his words. "How bad? There should be some way to cure him right, with the technology like now… there should be…"
Jiro saw the gravely expression on the doctor's face as he looked at him then at Hisashi. "… If we could talk in private…" he said to Hisashi, lips set into a thin, grim line.
Hisashi bit his lips and glanced at the blonde. And at the time, Jiro wondered wether Hisashi saw his fear. Whether he saw his uncertainties, his desperate denial.
"… Okay…," Hisashi finally whispered.
Jiro's hand shot out and grabbed Hisashi's before he could even think. "Don't!" he blurted out. "Don't go-…" His eyes, the big, liquid pools of brown, stared at him, looking very much like a lost little boy.
"Jiro…"
He tightened his grip on the other man's hand. "I… I want to hear it too…"
"Jiro…" Hisashi said helplessly.
"Please, Hisa…" he stared at the blonde and after a moment he sit back to his seat.
"You can tell us… about it now, doctor," Hisashi said and Jiro felt Hisashi holding his hand back, squeezing it lightly. When the doctor seemed to hesitate, he added, " tell us, doc. He too has the right to know the condition he is in"
The doctor stared at Jiro and he nodded. He sighed a litlle. "Very well then… "
* * *
The three days after the fateful visit to the hospital passed like a dream for both Jiro and Hisashi. Jiro was in denial, Hisashi knew that very well. It had been three days and in those days Jiro had skipped practice, shutting himself in their home.
It wasn't only Jiro who was in denial. Hisashi himself was in a great denial too. He couldn't accept what happened. He refused to believe the doctor words eventhough he knew very well that what the man had said was indeed the truth.
And with those words from the doctor, there floated a realization in his mind. The one he dreaded, the one he feared.
That Jiro would be taken away from him.
He had been thinking, replaying, mulling those words over and over an over again in his mind and still… the words stung.
It tore him apart like nothing had ever done before.
He was standing in front of the bedroom door, the one which had been used to be jiro's but now was practically empty because Jiro had moved into his bedroom. But his old bedroom was Jiro's place to hide himself, especially when he didn't want no one to reach him, not even Hisashi.
Hisashi knocked on the door, the same ritual he had been doing ever since the time Jiro decided to lock himself up. Each time he didn't get answer, each time he prayed that the next time his lover would answer, but he didn't get what he wanted.
The door, looking strong and intimidating, was never opened.
He was going to try again and this time around, he hoped he would succeed.
"Jiro…"
No answer.
"Jiro, it's me, Hisashi. Open the door please?"
…
"I bring your dinner… you should eat, Jiro, you have to take your medicines too…"
….
"It's been three days, Jiro, and you barely ate your meal and haven't taken your meds yet… Open the door please"
…
"GOD, ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!" Hisashi finally yelled in frustation. Three days he didn't see Jiro, three days he didn't talk to him, three days worrying and add with it the fact that now Jiro had a deadly desease finally made him cross his limit. "Jiro please, you're starting to really scare me. What are you doing in there? You're not making things better just by moping around and worrying everybody like this. Takuro and Teru are so friggin' worried about you. They wonder what happen to you… I haven't told them since it's not my place to… "
"Please come out… I miss you. Open the door and eat, Jiro, take your medicines do something for your health! If you don't want to do it for yourself, at least do it for the people that care a hell lot about you… do it for your fans… for Takkun and Tekko… for me…"
After a moment of stillness, there were rustles from the otherside of the door. Soft, barely audible, but Hisashi heard it. Some moments later, he heard the sound of the lock being opened and then the door was slowly creaked open.
Hisashi held his breath staring at the person who appeared from behind the door. Jiro looked exhausted, defeated,… he looked slightly thinner and there were dark circles and eye bags under his eyes. He had done lots of crying.
Hisashi hated seeing Jiro like this. His heart ached as he took a step forward, reaching out to the blonde in front of him.
Soft sobs escaped from Jiro's lips as a lone tear rolled down his pale cheeks, not rosy like it used to be. His lips trembled as he opened them.
"… I'm… scared…"
The words came out in a soft, trembling whisper, barely audible but loud enough for Hisashi to hear. In those words, Hisashi heard everything, the scare, the frustation, the denial, the sadness, the pain…
Everything that he wished he could fix with his hands.
Hisashi pulled him into a hug. He hugged him with all his might, trying to give the blonde a reasurrance that he was not alone in this, that he was there for him… a conviction that it would be okay… a comfort that he hoped would make him feel better.
Hisashi felt tears stung his eyes, as Jiro returned the embrace, burrowing his face in the crook of the guitarist's shoulder, tears dampened his shirt, fists grabbed the material of his clothes, clenching hard … he heard muffled sobs and Hisashi put one of his hand behind Jiro's hair, tangling it softly with the blonde strands there.
"I understand… Jiro," he whispered into the blonde hair. "I understand… so don't shut me off… let me help you. We're in this together… koi… "
* * *
"I've got… something to tell you guys…" Jiro said to his bandmates in his first day back in practice, two days after he went out of his sanctuary.
"What was it?" Teru asked worriedly. "Are you okay? You look a bit pale, Jiro-chan, do you want something to…"
"Teru," Takuro cut him off. "Give him some space. You've been bugging him, fussing all over him the first moment he appeared"
"I'm just worried," Teru pouted. "He's been missing for three days!"
"All of us are worried too, but now he has something to say, don't you, Jiro?"
Jiro threw their leader a small thankful smile. "Yes. Thank you for the attention for me… I'm sorry I caused you guys so much trouble but … I've got reason…"
The others waiting for him to continue, Hisashi silently put his hand over Jiro's intertwined their fingers in a silent support.
"I… I… Five days ago Hisashi and I went to the doctor to check my health 'cause I'm not feeling well lately … and…"
He bit his lips. He should continue, he should be strong. Hadn't last night he made his plans and his promises to himself? He felt Hisashi squeezing his hand in support.
"Guys, I… have cancer…"
Abrupt silence hanged over the small room. Two pairs of eyes stared at him wide eyed, as the news started to sink in.
"You… what??" Teru whispered in disbelieve.
"Cancer," Jiro answered softly. "In… late phases"
"…what… how… "
"What type of cancer is it?" Takuro asked, as calmly as he could managed after hearing such dreading news, but Hisashi could see him getting paler.
"It's Leukimia," Jiro spoke again. "The chronic one"
"But… but there are treatments!" Teru said desperately. "Yes, there are treatments! You will be okay… right… Jiro?"
Jiro bit his lips, hard that it almost drew blood. There came the hardest part. There was a sudden lump in his throat, making it hard to breathe. The words were on the tip of his tounge, but he couldn't voice them.
He gripped Hisashi's hand tighter, seeking support, but then, even as Hisashi held him back with equal force, even as Hisashi trying to give him all the silent support he could give in that holding hand geture, Jiro found himself cannot stare at his bandmates.
He turned his face away.
"Yes… there are treatments… but," Jiro swallowed, hard. "Even the doctor doesn't dare to predict my chance of recovery…"
Teru, who was already by Jiro's other side, took the bassist's other hand and hold in tightly in his hand. "Take the treatment, Jiro. Do what the doctor told you... please, just.... just... " Teru bit his lips, unable to continue. This was the guy he had known for a long time, he had laughed and struggled together with... he couldn't imagine losing his bestfriend like this.
At the end, it was Takuro calm, soothing words that broke the silence. He stared at his band mates, shock and devastated, and he stared at the blonde, who he was sure had the biggest burden. Eventhough his skin paled and his hands shook a little, his gaze was calm and steady and his voice was both calming and encouraging as he spoke.
"Be brave, Jiro... be strong and remember that no matter what, we are here. Always, count on us whenever you feel like to... set all positive thoughts in your mind, and... and we will get through this together..."
* * *
Today was the first day when the chemotheraphy would start. Jiro remembered that with a strange coldness gripping his mind. But how could he forget? How could he while the realization kept haunting him eversince the doctor had set the date to start the chemotheraphy?
Jiro shuddered at the thought. Yes, he was scared, he had to admit that. Would he be in pain? Would it be painful to go through the chemotheraphy? Would it have some effect to his illness? Would it...
He splashed his face with cool water repeatedly then stared at the big mirror in front of him in the large restroom. He stared at his own reflection, stared into his own deep brown orbs and even him could see the naked fear that was clearly painted in them.
Be strong, Jiro, he chidded himself, reminding himself of Takuro's words. Yes, he had to be strong. For his own sake, for his friends' sake, and mainly, for Hisashi's sake.
He had made Hisashi worry very much.
And he hated it. He hated seeing the worries on Hisashi's beautiful face.
He couldn't change or deny the fact that he was now having one of the most dangerous deseases.
But he could help erasing the worried look from Hisashi's eyes by trying to be strong.
If he couldn't be strong in front of himself, in front of his own reflection on the mirror, at least he would be strong in front of Hisashi. And Teru. And Takuro.
He gripped the edge of the faucet tightly. He could hear the ticking of the second, as if he had a giant sized clock in his head.
It was time to go.
He wiped his face dry. And just as he straightened himself, trying to gather the last shreds of his composure, the restroom door clicked open and Hisashi appeared from behind it.
"Jiro," Hisashi said. "It's time to go to the doctor, right?"
"Ah... aa..." Jiro startled.
"I thought you forgot," Hisashi smiled a little. "I've been waiting in the lobby, you know. C'mon or we'll be late"
Jiro stared at Hisashi, deeply touched by how much Hisashi cared of him. But he stalled. He had promised himself that he wouldn't make Hisashi worry. And Jiro knew that Hisashi offered to accompany him to the doctor because he was worried.
"Jiro...?"
"Ah... iya, Hisa... I'm going there by myself," he answered, giving his lover a quick, nervous smile. "You don't have to bother to go there with me... I can do it by myself"
Hisashi frowned at the answer. "But I thought we have agreed to go together..."
"I decided that it's better to go there by myself"
Hisashi stared at the blonde uncertainly. "Is there... any reason behind this, Jiro?"
"I... I just think that I have to prove to myself that I can do this... that I can beat my uncertainties and go to the doctor by myself and... and..."
And he's scared, his inner voice reminded him. Reminded him that he wanted Hisashi to go there with him too.
Hisashi stepped closer to his lover and lay his hand on the blonde's arm gently. "Jiro..."
Jiro lowered his gaze, staring at the floor. "I don't want to make you worried, Hisa... I don't... I don't want to bother you..."
Hisa put his fingers under Jiro's chin and lifted the bassist's face gently. "What are you talking about, Jiro-chan? You're not a bother"
"Hisa... eversince this... nightmare started, I can see that you keep worrying about me. And I hate it. I feel like I have put this burden on you and I... I'm really feeling guilty... I..."
"Jiro," Hisashi cut him off calmly. "Remember what we promised each other, the time after you have gotten over your denial? You remember right? That we both are in this together. That we are facing this together, and that we will overcome this together"
"But..."
"I will NOT leave you alone, you hear that, Jiro?" Hisashi said, sternly but there's gentleness in his voice. "And you are not a bother, Jiro. Never think about that. None of us think that you're a burden, a bother for us"
"But you'll keep worrying... there'll still be worry in your eyes and..."
"Jiro, you're not being rational. There will always be worry in things like this no matter what," Hisashi said, cupping Jiro's cheeks with his hands. "You think I'll be less worry if I leave you alone? If you face this alone? Where did that thought come from?"
Jiro blushed, soft pinkish shade staining his cheeks. "What if I get too dependant on you?"
"Then depend on me all you like. Feel free, Jiro. Depend on us when you feel like it. It's okay, really. We'll be always here. I'll be always here"
"Promised?" Jiro whispered hoarsely.
"Promised"
"I'll get ugly"
"It's okay"
"I'll get really skinny"
"Then we'll be equal, ne?"
Jiro smiled, feeling deeply loved and was eternally thankful for that. "I love you"
"Love you more," Hisa smiled and kissed his lover gently. "Now, can we get over this mushiness and go to the doctor? I'm not sure if he would appreciate it if you are late in your first session of chemotheraphy"
Jiro felt himself tensed up a little again at the mention of the word, but then gradually relaxed at the comforting feeling Hisashi offered him. "Yeah, let's go"
He felt better now. He felt better, knowing that he wasn't alone, knowing that he was loved and cared about.
No, he wasn't alone.
Hisashi was there, and they both were in this together.
* * *
"Do I make you happy?"
The quiet question hanged in the still air in the silence of the room. Hisashi paused from what he as doing, dipping the small dowel to the freezing water. Hisashi turned and lifted his eyes, staring at the prone figure lying on the bed.
Jiro's face was red from fever, his breathing short and ragged, thin sheen of sweat covering his skin. Those big depthless pools of brown stared at the blue haired man intently.
"Jiro..."
"Do I... make you happy?" the blonde repeated.
Hisashi put his hand on Jiro's forehead, stroking it lightly with his thumb, feeling the high temperature that hadn't ceased any bit. "Now where did this question come from, Jiro?" Hisashi asked patiently, putting the damp cold towel on Jiro's forehead.
Jiro looked away, fixing his gaze at the monotonous pattern of the ceiling above. "I... I feel that all I've been causing you eversince I got sick are only difficulties..."
"That's not true"
"That's so true," Jiro said stubbornly. "You are always by my side and you are the one who always tend me while I get sick... you practically don't have enough private time anymore..."
"Oh, Jiro," Hisashi said softly, stroking Jiro's hair comfortingly. "That's not true. You're not bothering me at all. How should I prove it so that you will believe me?"
Jiro bit his lips. "... I'm sorry," he finally whispered. But Hisashi knew better. The guilt was still there, lingering in those dark eyes.
His eyes plastered themselves at the other man that was lying on the bed. Jiro was right. He had gotten more and more worried each time. He tried not to show it, but it was practically impossible now that the worry and the fear was too much.
Especially now, when Jiro didn't give any sign of infinite recovery. If any, his condition was getting worse. Sure, when he was feeling better, Jiro could be as genki as the healthiest man could be, but... but lately, the frequency of his fever kept increasing.
And Hisashi was scared. He was scared out of his shit that his usually effective mask was not in function anymore. His mask couldn't hide his feeling anymore.
He was serious when he said to Jiro that it didn't matter that he had to tend him everyday. But what he minded so much was the uneasy feeling in his heart, especially when Jiro fell ill. He felt as if with each time Jiro fell sick, he was taken inch by inch away from him.
He didn't like it. He would hold on to Jiro with all his might and strength so he didn't have to let him go.
The doctor had actually prepared him for this. The doctor had told him that sooner or later, Jiro would show signs of sickness that the leukimia patients had. Mostly were high fever, pain on his joints and he would bleed easily.
But still, Hisashi was not prepared for the agony Jiro would be in. He often couldn't hold back his tears seeing Jiro in deep pain, but quickly brushed them away in fear that Jiro would see them.
Hisashi couldn't let Jiro see his tears. Jiro needed his support and love and care and attention, but he didn't need his tears.
But he let the tears known to Teru and Takuro, letting them know the pain both he and Jiro were in.
"I'm... scared, Hisa," Jiro whispered, his words slicing through the still air in the room.
Hisashi gently brushed away a stray blonde lock from his forehead. He always wondered how come Jiro's hair didn't fall off due the chemotheraphy he was through, unlike most of the chemotheraphy patients, but he was grateful for that. He loved Jiro's hair, the sight and the softness of it. "What are you scared of, Jiro?"
"Hisa... am I... going to die soon?"
Hisashi sucked in a breath sharply in surprise. What provoked this question? Usually Jiro was very optimistic... what provoked this question to come out of his lips?
"Wh-why are you talking like that? You'll be okay, koi. Just think about all the medical treatment you've been going through... you'll be okay. It'll take time, but you'll survive"
God, how he hoped he was a better liar. Somehow, his encouraging words hanged in the air, almost devoid of any strength and optimism they should have.
"I don't know," Jiro said softly. "Everytime I fall sick, everytime I feel this massive pain on my joints, I... I can't help but wondering whether this is it. Whether this is the time that... that my body simply cannot hold on any longer..."
Hisashi swallowed the lump in his throat with difficulty. "Don't think like that, Jiro," he said hoarsely. "Don't even wonder about that"
"I know I shouldn't have... I know that the only way I can pay back all of the things you've done for me is by getting better, by recovering... but... but..."
He shut his eyes tightly, and tears started to rolled down either side of his face. And at the sight of the blonde's tears, at the sight, at the feeling of Jiro's fear and uncertainty, Hisashi felt like crying too. He squeezed Jiro's hand, hard, in a silent offer of comfort.
"If I... close my eyes like this...," Jiro continued, his whispering voice trembling lightly. "... I... God, do you know that now I'm even scared just to close my eyes and go to sleep? I'm scared that... once I close my eyes, I won't be able to open them again... I'm scared that once I close my eyes, I won't be able to see you again... won't be able to see teru and takkun, won't be able to see the light, to see the world..."
He squeezed back "I'm scared that once I closed my eyes I... I won't be able to open them again and then... I'll be stuck in this darkness alone... God, Hisa, I... I hate being alone..."
Hisashi brushed his tears away. What Jiro said... what Jiro said was exactly what he was scared of. He was deeply scared of the day he would lose Jiro. He was scared of the day when he couldn't see anymore the blonde's warm and bright chocolate orbs, when he could no longer hear his free laughter and voice.
Hisashi clasped his hand tighter with Jiro's paler one. "You won't be alone, Jiro," he whispered hoarsely. "Ever. I won't let you be alone"
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Hisa-chan..."
"I will fulfil it, Jiro," Hisashi said quickly, desperately, clasping his hand on Jiro's tightly. "One way to another, I will find a way so you will never be alone"
Jiro lifted his other hand and touched Hisashi's cheek, softly tracing the wet trails of tears there. "... Hisa... these days, I seem to only be able to make you cry... ne?" he whispered sadly. "I'm sorry ne?"
"There's nothing to be sorry of, Jiro," Hisashi replied softly. "Now go to sleep okay? You have to sleep now and take your pills later tonight" There was something flashed in Jiro's eyes and Hisashi brushed Jiro's hair gently. "Don't worry to close your eyes, Jiro-chan. You will wake up again. You will see my annoying face again, I promise"
Jiro smiled a little. There were still pain, sadness and worry, but at least, there were comfort in those depth. "Stay here with me," he said softly, almost child-like.
Hisashi smiled softly. He lay beside his lover and pulled the comforter to their chin. "I will"
He draped one of his arms accross Jiro, letting Jiro snuggled up to him and rest his head on the crook of his shoulder. He closed his eyes with a prayer that Jiro would get better soon.
"Do I make you happy, Hisa?" came the sleepy voice of Jiro.
Hisashi hugged him tighter. "Yes you do, koi. Very much so..."