I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I, you are you
Whatever we were to each other,
That we are still

Call me by the old familiar name
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes that we enjoyed together

Play
Smile
Think of me
Pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without an effort,
Without a ghost of shadow upon it

Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is an absolute and unbroken continuity

What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just round the corner

All is well

-- " Death Is Nothing at All " , Henry Scott Holland --

Hisashi sat in the sterile white room, on a chair on one side of his lover's bed. His back hunched and his hands never letting go of the limp one he kept holding.

It had been two days. Two days since Jiro fell in the last concert. Two days since he last saw Jiro's big brown eyes.

He hadn't seen them again after that concert.

Jiro kept sleeping, eversince that time, the sleeping beauty of the hospital.

Hisashi hardly left Jiro's side except for some random necessities to the bathroom and toilet, fearing that if he left Jiro's side for too long, he wouldn't be there if Jiro awoke... or worse, if Jiro left, forever.

He couldn't bring himself to think about that. No matter how much he tried to prepare himself for the unavoidable, he couldn't. He was still unprepared, unable to let Jiro go.

He remembered that yesterday, the doctor said that a part of Jiro's inner organ had stopped functioning and eventhough he still could breath - though struggling - he was practically dead.

The doctor had asked, Hisashi noted with dread crawling his back, whether or not they should detach the life support system from Jiro's body.

Hisashi had refused, almost hysterically, in his stress, weariness, and fright. So long as Jiro was still breathing, so long as the pulse was still there, he wanted to life support system to be still attached to his blonde lover.

Because it makes it easier to believe that Jiro would come back to him, that somehow, Jiro would be okay again. At least the monotone beeping sound of the pulse monitor would keep him assured that Jiro was still there.

He kept clinging to that belief, the only thing that kept him from breaking apart. Clinging to the belief that he would see Jiro's warm brown eyes again, that he'd see his smile and heard his voice and laughter again.

The belief that helped him to deny the small voice in his mind that reminded him that he was expecting for the impossible.

Was it wrong for him to not letting go?

As sappy as it might sound, Jiro meant everything to him. He could afford to lose any other thing in the world, he could even bear losing GLAY, just as long as he had Jiro.

Jiro was everything to him. Jiro was the first thing he wanted to see when he opened his eyes in the morning, and the thing he wanted to see before he closed his eyes for sleep. His warmth and love were treasured, the memories together were cherished. Jiro was the one he needed the most. He needed Jiro like he needed air.

How could he ever survive without the air?

The memories were too much, everything about Jiro overwhelmed him. If Jiro died... if he died... he didn't know how long it would take him to be able to let go...

Hisashi brushed the blonde locks softly. The usually bright blonde hair now lied limply on the pillow, framing his face. Jiro's skin which used to be healthy and rosy now pale, even paler than before and he was devoid of any baby fats that used to be there. His breath was heavy and slow.

But yet, to Hisashi, Jiro was just as beautiful as he ever before.

Times like this, he couldn't stop asking himself why. Why, why, why and why. Why did Jiro have to be the one suffering all of this? Why did the God choose him? Why did He mark him for death? There were other people besides Jiro. Not Jiro. Never Jiro. He didn't deserve this.

Endless questions with no answers.

And it frustated him. He hoped Jiro would just open his eyes. Looking into Jiro's warm big eyes usually gave him a strange sense of calm, of control over his emotion.

There was an activity caught by the monitor near him and before he had any idea what happened, Hisashi saw Jiro opened his eyes slowly.

Hisashi held his breath as he saw again, for the first time, those depthless pools of warm chocolate.

Jiro blinked repeatedly, slowly, as if the mere movement itself was very painful to do. His blank gaze became more focused and it rested on Hisashi's feature.

The blondie mouthed his lover's name silently and Hisashi almost bursted out into tears.

"Jiro... God, Jiro... I'm gonna call the doctor..." he said as he rushed to stand.

But Jiro's hand, which had been in Hisashi's hand, grabbed him back, prevented him to go. "Stay...," he whispered, barely audible.

There was something in Jiro's uncanny eyes that made him sit back to his chair. "Jiro..." Hisashi called tentatively.

"Stay...," Jiro whispered again, almost only mouthing the words. "It won't be long anyway..."

Hisashi felt chill running down his spine as he heard Jiro's words. "I'm calling the doc-"

"No," Jiro cut him, his voice weak. Jiro's voice were small, barely audible, the total opposite of his usually loud, bright, full of energy voice. It broke Hisashi's heart to no end. The only part of Jiro that hadn't been affected by the cancer that was eating him were only his eyes. They were still wide, clear, expressive. "I don't want to spend my last minutes alone... don't leave..."

Hisashi bit his lips as he stared at Jiro helplessly, tears started to form in his eyes. He wanted to speak, to say something, but couldn't find anything to say.

"...Thank you..." Jiro whispered softly. "You know... I just realized that I haven't said enough thank you to you... I don't think I'd be ever able to say enough thanks..."

Hisashi forced his voice to come out. "What for...?" he asked hoarsely.

Jiro smiled, lovingly, serenely. "For everything...," he answered softly, the pads of his fingers rubbed against Hisashi's skin softly, in a painful attempt to caress him. "... That you've done for me... for your patience, your support... for your love..."

Tears started to fall, making spots on the perfect white of the bedsheet.

"Don't cry, Hisa-chan... you know I hate to see your tears... what are you crying over, Hisa? I'm not going to... leave you forever..."

Hisashi looked up, seeing Jiro stared lovingly at him.

"... Remember the poem I read? ... I will only be away for a while... it won't be long, really... because we will meet again," Jiro whispered, his gaze penetrating. "You believe that... right?"

"There is nothing to cry over, Hisa," he continued as he keep rubbing the other's hand with his fingers softly, weakly. "I have you, I have my family... GLAY, Takkun and Tekko... the fans, the supports, the love... I have tried to live my life to the fullest. I'm happy, Hisashi, there is nothing to cry over..."

Sometimes Hisashi hoped he could still have his innocence, his naivety. Sometimes, he hoped that what he thought, what he hoped, would really come true. That would be better... much better... because he could hope Jiro was okay again and had it come true.

But... this was the reality he had to face.

But while he sat there, completely miserable, Jiro looked so calm, so peaceful, like he didn't have any worry, any fears. There was a small, serene smile on his lips and his eyes opened, warmth and affection and love painted in those depths.

"I just want you to know...," the bassist continued. "That for everything you have done, I thank you... That no matter what... for everything you are, Koi... I love you. If there's anything you have to be sure about me... it's that I love you..."

And at the time, if there was anything Hisashi chose to believe with all his heart, his mind and his soul... it was Jiro's love. It was the love he saw so clearly in Jiro's eyes, forever gentle, as true, as pure, as glorious as a love could ever be.

"... Don't... don't leave me," Hisashi whispered betwen his sobs, holding Jiro's hand tightly in a vain hope that it would prevent him from going away. "...please..."

Hisashi felt Jiro held him back weakly. "Smile, Hisashi... c'mon, I told you I hate to see you sad... ," he took a deep heavy breath. "Y'know... I wish I remembered any of those silly jokes Tekko loves to tell us... so that you can smile... you look so pretty when you smile, you know?"

Hisashi tried to swallowed his tears. "I wish... there was anything I could do... for you..."

Another gentle squeeze. "You can always... smile, you know? At least... be happy for the fact that... I've found a way so I won't be alone," the blondie smiled again. "I just have to dig the memories again... then I'd see you... and Tekko... and Takkun. And then I'd hear the music... the random chatters... the jokes and laughters... I won't be alone... shouldn't you be happy about that?"

Hisashi forced a smile. He slowly came to a realization that it was the only thing he could to for Jiro right now. He recalled memories of them, the fond memories, the funny, silly things between them, the happiness... and he found it was easier to smile now, eventhough through his tears.

And at the sight of his smile, Jiro smiled back at him, thankfully.

"I wonder... whether or not Takkun... is mad at me..."

"Why's so?" Hisashi frowned. "Why would he?"

"I couldn't keep my promise... I told him I wouldn't fall ... in a concert... but I did and ... to top it off, I fell... in the middle of a song..."

"You know he isn't mad at you, Jiro," Hisashi said soothingly. "He can never get angry at you. Afterall, you are one of his favourite person," he added, to which Jiro replied with a small, sad grin.

"I hope Tekko... and Takkun won't be too angry... at me if I leave without saying goodbye to them," Jiro whispered, staring at the ceiling. "I just hope they know... how much I am thankful for them..."

"They know, Jiro-chan," Hisashi said quickly, soothingly. The only thing he could do now was making Jiro felt safe, peaceful. "They know about it very well. And they are thankful for you too, really"

"Thank you..." Jiro murmured, closing his eyes momentarily. "God, really I'm grateful... for you, Hisa..."

"Jiro..."

"Ne... Hisa-chan... if you finally find someone else to love... don't hesitate ne? I don't want to see... you losing your chance for more happiness just because of me... I'm sure that you'll soon find a new love... because you are a wonderful person, Hisa... because you deserve it..."

"Don't talk like that, Jiro," Hisashi whispered hoarsely, swallowing more of his tears. "I don't think I'll ever find anyone that I could love like I love you..."

Jiro smiled and tugged at his hand lightly. "...Kiss me..."

Hisashi brushed Jiro's soft blonde hair softly, then caressed his cheek gently before he bent down, hovering only a mere hair breadth away from his lover's face. "I love you, Wayama Yoshihito. I love you... Jiro-chan... God, I love you so much..." he whispered, voice drenched with tears.

Then he closed the distance and captured Jiro's lips, as soft, as sweet as ever, in a long, gentle, heartfelt and passionate kiss. In that kiss, Hisashi told Jiro everything he couldn't say with words, everything that was beyond the power of words.

When the kiss broke, both of them were crying. Jiro clutched Hisashi's hand tightly and Hisashi hold back in desperation.

"...Wouldn't it be wonderful..." Jiro whispered through his tears, " if we can grow old together... playing music together... adopting some little children and ... raise them together... and then ... live in a house in the countryside... then see the children marry and have kids... "

"It would be, Jiro-chan," Hisashi sobbed, their forehead still touching. "It would be..."

"...I'm always such a dreamer ne...? I hope... in some other world when .. we can meet again... I hope that could be a reality..."

"Jiro... God... Jiro..." Hisashi whispered, his hand never stop caressing Jiro's cheek gently.

"I will... see you again... ne?" Jiro asked, his voice barely a whisper. "When I wake up... someday... I will see you again ne?"

"You will, Jiro... you will," Hisashi said in desperation. He could feel it... Jiro was slipping further and further through his hands. "I will find you... We will... we will meet again..." he whispered hoarsely, choking in his last words.

Jiro took a deep, relieved breath. When he blew out his breath, Hisashi thought he saw all of the fears, all of the grief and burden that Jiro had vanished.

Jiro smiled, and Hisashi didn't think he could ever forget of that particular smile that he was seeing.

A pretty hard squeeze on his hand and Hisashi head a whisper.

"... Yokatta... ne..."

The hold on his hand weakened, and Hisashi knew that those were the last words he would ever hear from his lover.

He lost him, his blonde angel.

Still in a denial, he looked down to Jiro's face, so serene, so content, so peaceful. It was as if he was sleeping, and oh, how much Hisashi wanted to believe that he was only taking Jiro to sleep and that tomorrow he would see his smiles and hear his laughters again.

But then he saw the trails of tears from Jiro's closed eyes... and he knew.

That no matter how he kiss him, the sleeping beauty would never be awakened again.

- owari -