> > > > > WANNA DATE MY DAUGHTER
> > > > > -------------------------------
> > > > > When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my
> > > > > girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting
> > > > > to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open
> > > > > the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous
> > > > > expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt
> > > > > like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
> > > > >
> > > > > Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering
> > > > > how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates,
> > > > > I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
> > > > > My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay
> > > > > wilted all night.
> > > > >
> > > > > "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose
> > > > > pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR
> > > > > stupid?"
> > > > >
> > > > > As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into
> > > > > two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
> > > > > better be delivering a package, because you're sure as
> > > > > heck not picking anything up.
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
> > > > > You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
> > > > > below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of
> > > > > my daughter's body, I will remove them.
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable
> > > > > for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
> > > > > they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
> > > > > this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
> > > > > complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
> > > > > about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come
> > > > > to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
> > > > > sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to
> > > > > assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during
> > > > > the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
> > > > > electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in
> > > > > place around your waist.
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
> > > > > sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
> > > > > kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex,
> > > > > I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we
> > > > > should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
> > > > > day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
> > > > > from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
> > > > > daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
> > > > > from you on this subject is "early."
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
> > > > > many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
> > > > > me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once
> > > > > you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
> > > > > date no one but her until she is finished with you.
> > > > > If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
> > > > > for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by,
> > > > > do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
> > > > > movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
> > > > > on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting
> > > > > the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there,
> > > > > why don't you do something useful, like changing the
> > > > > oil in my car?
> > > > >
> > > > > Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for
> > > > > a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
> > > > > sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
> > > > > where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
> > > > > Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
> > > > > holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
> > > > > temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
> > > > > shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
> > > > > than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped
> > > > > up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic
> > > > > or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
> > > > > chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
> > > > >
> > > > > My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs
> > > > > and find me attempting to get her date to recite these
> > > > > eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--
> > > > > there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And,
> > > > > for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins
> > > > > that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't
> > > > > remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is
> > > > > prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing
> > > > > the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate
> > > > > --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably
> > > > > a better alternative.
> > > > >
> > > > > One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's
> > > > > would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out
> > > > > of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had
> > > > > violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run
> > > > > through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I
> > > > > was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being
> > > > > that age?" she challenged.
> >
> > > > > Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up
> > > > > with the eight simple rules?
> >
> ***********************************************************
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