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Oh man, I’m sure we all (as in, “all of us capable of thought and memory who watched bad Saturday morning toons from 1991” that is) remember the exploits of those superstar athlete superheroes the “Pro Stars”. Don’t know what a “Pro-Star” is? Well, it’s easy.
The Pro-Stars were a trio of professional sports’ most prominent figureheads (i.e. the most marketable) taken from 4 different levels of “expertise” so their natural physical abilities could be put to a better use: saving the world by teaching otherwise loser kids that they should stay in school/say “no” to drugs/avoid gangs/have a good work ethic/respect their parents/register to vote/never fart in public/never push old ladies into wood chippers/stay away from any place called “Neverland”/don’t play with yourself in public/avoid prostitutes/use condoms/buckle your seat belt/always ask before dipping into your parents’ cocaine stash/leave no witnesses/never drink more Wild Turkey than you can handle and if so, always carry a barf bag around with you so you don’t fuck up your friend’s carpeting/never have sex with your siblings, no matter how attractive/buy everything in your wardrobe from Nike™/never judge a person by the color of the skin, but by the bulk of their wallet/never give a stripper anything more than a single dollar bill, but never stuff less than five into a single g-string or buttcrack because these girls live on their tips/milk builds strong bones/always believe in yourself.
You know, whatever generic morality lesson the Regan-Bush reicht was “suggesting” cartoon studios inject into their shows to help “educate” the youth of America.
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The 4 sports these Pro-Stars were selected from were baseball (because hitting things in important), football (because tackling people in important), basketball (because throwing things through holes of varying size is important) and hockey (because Dic needed a white guy for their new show). Well, hockey’s easy enough, seeing as how the only name of note to the widespread populace at the time (or since, really) was Wayne Gretzky. Basketball’s another no-brainer, as the man with his own line of sneakers named after him is also the easiest to market, so of course we get Michael Jordan. Now, we’ve got two more sports to cover, but we’ve only got enough budget to cover adding one more member to the cast. Hmmmm, who can cover both football and baseball, and is also enough of a media whore that his name alone will bring pennies from Heaven? Oh right, Bo Knows™ everything, so let’s buy him. He’ll do anything if it means getting face in front of people! Groovy, so there’s that.
Now, we can’t afford to pay these guys for anything other than the use of their likenesses (plus they’re probably all horrible actors anyway), but let’s at least make them shoot inspirational crap and “question and answer” sessions for each episode. Oh, Jordan can’t do that? Okay, well, just throw in some generic stuff with him in it then. As for the in-show stuff, get three other guys to voice their characters. Oh shit! Speaking of which, we need to give them defining characteristics! Okay, how’s this fly: Bo is the “bull in a China shop” type who thinks with his muscles instead of with his head and can smash through walls for some reason; Michael has the genius of a borderline rocket scientist who can figure out the formula for cold fusion, mixed with the philosophical mind of a Shaolin monk , and can jump really high, and I mean really high; as for Wayne, he gets to be the awkward white guy who bumbles around a lot, is always getting captured by the bad guys, hides when there’s trouble, and is constantly hungry. In simple terms: Wayne is now Shaggy on ice skates.
Now, just to let everyone know that we’re not prejudice against women, let’s give the trio a coach, but make her a grunty little Jewish woman so she can be tough-as-nails, but love them like a mother! Make her generic though, as we don’t have any more money in the budget to hire any actual female personalities. Name her “Mom” and have them operate out of "Mom's Gym" just to force the point across moreso and make her a super inventor type who makes all the crazy sports-related gadgets the trio can use to fight crime with. Throw in a hot chick in spandex and a headband to be the team’s tech-expert. She can come in and save the day from time-to-time. Name her “Denise”, but don’t base her on anybody. Nobody cares about female athletes anyway.
And have ‘em fly around in a rocket powered sneaker plane. Trust me, it’ll sell millions and run for no less than 12 seasons. I smell a sweep at the Emmys this year people… uhm, “this year” meaning 1991.
When I was young I used to think the show’s opening theme song/hymnal was a bad cartoon rip-off of Queen’s athletic anthem “We Will Rock You”, but being a much older and wiser man in the ways of crap culture, I realize the “ProStars” theme’s stomping bass and chanting chorus would be more a concern of the New Kids On The Block’s lawyers than it would be Queen’s, as the resemblance to “Hang Tough” rings truer in my large canine ears than “We Will Rock You”. Either way, I couldn't find a copy of the theme music online, so if you're really achin' for it, I suggest giving it your own try. After all hard work is it's own reward, right? For those uninterested in the effort of doing so (bastard slackers after my own lazy heart), I’ve posted the words to the theme, just click the link below to open them. For those who remember this, I’m in the same boat with you. For those who weren’t around or missed out, I envy you. After all, how fucking hard is it to rhyme "time" with "time"!? Blargh.
>>>Words to the ProStars theme music:<<<
Michael’s prime is hang time.
ProStaaaaaaaaaaaars! Show stars!
Wayne’s hot, slap shot.
Bo knows where to go.
ProoooooStars! Goooooo Stars!
Alllllll stars! ProoooStaaaars!
Jordan jams in yo’ face,
Gonna put them in their plaaaace.
Alllll stars, Goooooo Stars.
ProStars!
Blue line, crunch time.
Wayne will score, just in time.
ProoooooStars. Alllllll Stars.
Show-stopper.
Big Swing, Bo’s the man.
Gonna hit a grand slam.
ProStars: it’s all about helpin’ kids.
ProStars!
And there we have it: “ ProStars”. It’s a perfect formula for sit down, shut the Hell up, and play with your toys while mommy and daddy feed their coke habit.
ProStars reviews:
Gigantus and the Highway of Doom - Bo, Mike and Wayne take in some "culture" when a little girl in Australia needs them to save her town from the cast of an animated kids' version of Mad Max... meaning no graphic violence, rape, or big guys packed into little bondage outfits. Now, where's the fun in that?!
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