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They're champions, they're legends, and they're all Top Aussies.
Joey Johns
Joey Johns is a top Aussie. He lives in Newcastle and plays for
a Rugby League team called the Newcastle Knights. The Knights are
fairly popular in Newcastle, and they regularly get around 67 million
people attending their home games. Newcastle footy fans are commonly
called the "Red and Blue Army", but this is an inapt description
because defence forces don't drink as much beer. Joey is generally
thought by Newcastle people to be a genius, if not a god. As well as
being a champion on the footy field, Joey also does reasonably well
in local pubs, where he has been known to drink a shitload. This may
be due to people shouting him beer wherever he goes. All of Australia
loved Joey when he threw the winning pass against Manly in the 1997
Grand Final, because 99.99% of Australians hated Manly. Joey has also
played footy for Australia against the Poms, who we trashed because the
English are completely shithouse. Totally and completely shithouse.
Joey Johns is a top Aussie.
Aussie Rules
AFL is a top Aussie. It was invented in 1858 by Victorians who wanted
something to do in winter when there was no cricket on the telly. AFL became
so popular in Victoria that it is now a criminal offence not to support your
local footy team. Offenders are charged with treason and exiled to Tasmania.
Victorians are all complete sports nuts, and the sign on the border says
"Victoria - Piss off nerds this is Sportland". Attendance figures for a
typical AFL game are usually about three hundred million, and about double
that in finals games. AFL is played on an oval shaped ground with 4 posts at
either end. The players don't wear pads or helmets because only Americans do
that, and they're all pussies. Players can score a goal by kicking the ball
between the two inner posts, and a behind is kicked if the player misses,
usually by a coach wearing steelcaps. A mark is when a player catches a
kicked ball on the full, named after a kid called Mark who was kicked around
before the ball was invented. Near each set of goals are little men in white
with funny hats, whose job is to provide a target for angry fans with beercans.
AFL is now being introduced to other countries so that Australia can be world
champions in one more sport. AFL is a top Aussie.
Merrick and Rosso
Merrick and Rosso are top Aussies. They were originally stand-up
comedians but they entered a competition on the back of a box of
Weet Bix and now they host a national radio program on JJJ. At
first they did not know how to run the radio station and sometimes
they stuffed the whole station by pressing the wrong button. Their
show has many different segments, quite of few of which are funny.
"Hello Australia" is the best because it is stories of Aussies
doing dumb shit, usually while drunk, and usually ending up in
hospital. "Gary and Gavin" is about two Aussies touring the world
and is not really funny, but it is bloody hilarious compared to
"Captain BJ and the Pirate", which is completely rooted. Then there
is "Tight-Arse Tuesday" which is a segment dedicated to colon care.
Merrick and Rosso never ever condone the popular trend of "being buff",
They have recently started a venture called "Tidy Tiger
Manboob Enterprises", which provides low-cost breast enlargements
for men who want to wobble while jogging.
Merrick and Rosso are top Aussies.
Mick Doohan
Mick Doohan is a top Aussie. He is a famous Australian because he won
the World 500cc Superbike Championship about 35 times in a row. He also
set a new Australian record as he was the first person to break every
bone in their body more than ten times. Mick Doohan has only spent 2
months of his life out of hospital and has metal plates in his legs,
arms, shoulders, knees, chest, wrists, elbows and feet as well as a
Kingswood door panel welded to his spine. Each one of the 4357 Doctors
that has treated Doohan reckon that his tolerance to pain makes him
almost superhuman, and any Aussie that has seen his party trick where
he hammers nails into his own forehead will tell you that it's true.
Doohan was made to retire from professional motorbike racing when the
metal content of his body started to affect his acceleration and
cornering speed, but that is cool because now some other riders can
have a chance at winning. Mick Doohan is a top Aussie.
Hey Dad
Hey Dad is a top Aussie show. It was the only sitcom ever made in
Australia that was funny. It had a guy called Mr Kelly, who had a son
and two daughters. His eldest daughter was alright, and you'd put his
youngest on lay-by too. He had a secretary called Betty from Walgett.
Betty was really really stupid, which is an unfortunate stereotype,
because people from Walgett are not stupid. They just talk slow.
A little fat kid also used to turn up and annoy Mr Kelly but now he
does toilet paper commericials instead. But out of all the characters
on Hey Dad, a guy called Nudge was the funniest. He used to walk into
the kitchen and say "Hi Mr Kelly what's in the fridge?". Then the
original Nudge left and the show turned shit. Hey Dad got dubbed into
German and now Germans love Hey Dad almost as much as they love David
Hasselhoff. Hey Dad is a top Aussie.
The Panno
The Panno is a top Aussie. It is just like a ute except
it has a roof over the tray so your beer doesn't get wet.
When you put a mattress in the back of a Panno it becomes
a "shaggin waggon", and most mothers will not let their
daughters near one. The rear section has windows at the
side to provide for easy condom disposal or to allow bong
air to ventilate out.The large back window usually has
curtains to give you privacy while you root, and but the
back springs are noisy enough so that all of your mates
know that you're getting a shot off. Many conservative religious groups try to lobby the goverment
to ban the Panno, calling them "four-wheeled fornication emporiums". Pannos are also grouse
cars for carting heaps of stuff around, like fifteen of your pissed mates down to the pub.
Many tradesmen love Pannos and use them as work vehicles, because building sites are prime
areas to pick up chicks for a quick shag. Just ask any carpenter. The Panno is a top Aussie.
David Foster
David Foster is a top Aussie. He is a World Champion woodchopper from
Tasmania. Foster was won so many woodchopping events that some people
reckon he's the most successful sportsman in history, which sounds
about right because he's an Aussie. In fact, if you put all of his
woodchopping medals together in a pile, it would make a bloody big pile.
David's success as a woodchopper is partly due to his technique,
partly due to his equipment, but mostly due to the fact that he is a
huge massive tank of a man who could proabably drink a whole keg
without getting a shine. His facial hair is also in compliance with
Tasmanian moustache legislation, which states that all men must
endeavour to look like Boonie. David Foster is a top Aussie.
Kylie and Jason
Kylie and Jason are top Aussies. They started out their careers on a
show called Neighbours, where they were called Scott and Charlene.
Neighbours is very popular in Britain, but no-one knows why. Scott
and Charlene were the trendiest couple on Neighbours and they often
sported mullets and massive earrings. People considered them to be
Australia's unofficial Prince and Princess. Their marriage on the show
got TV ratings higher than the Leyland Brothers and even Federal
Parliament was cancelled for the afternoon. Kylie and Jason also sung
a duet together called "Especially for You" and Kylie's solo "Locomotion"
was number one in Australia for 136 weeks in a row. Kylie and Jason still
try to maintain their wholesome, clean cut image, although Kylie's last
music video was censored for nudity and Jason admitted to a "love affair"
with cocaine after collapsing outside the Viper Room in Los Angeles.
Kylie and Jason are top Aussies.
Phar Lap
Phar Lap was a top Aussie horse, and probably the fastest horse in the
history of the universe. He ran so fast that officials regularly checked
him to see if he didn't have a Holden Red six hidden in him. 'Phar Lap'
is a Thai phrase meaning 'too fast for the glue factory'. Phar Lap was in
fact too fast for his own good. While he being led to the stables at
Caufield Racecourse a car pulled up beside Phar Lap and shots were fired
from the window, but Phar Lap simply outran the bullets. Phar Lap won so
many races that racing officials decided to handicap him to buggery. He
entered the 1930 Melbourne Cup carrying a handicap of a Datsun 180B, but
still won it anyway. In the 1931 Cup Phar Lap was made to carry a Datsun
180B filled with rugby players, and this weight finally proved too much
for the champion horse. Phar Lap then went over to Yankeeland to show the
Seppos how to race, but the Seppos fed Phar Lap too many hotdogs and he
died of a heart attack. Pharlap's reputation is clouded because some people
allege that he was born in New Zealand, a claim which which cannot possibly be true due to all
the races he won. New Zealanders never win anything, especially cricket matches or rugby games.
Phar Lap is a top Aussie.
Charlie the Kookaburra
Charlie the Kookaburra is a top Aussie. He regularly comes and sits
on my mates fence where you can feed him cause he's tame. Charlie is
a smart kookaburra, because when no-one is in the backyard he goes to
the kitchen window and taps so that people come out and feed him. He
has a friend called Bitey who is a very dangerous kookaburra to feed.
There are lots more kookaburras that hang around, like the Professor
and the Subby Brothers. The Subby Brothers are subby because you can't
hand feed them and they keep flying away. Squawky the Magpie sometimes
comes around and visits too. You can hand feed Squawky, but most of the
time he's a spastic and runs away. Squawky's parents are real shits
though because they smack the crap out of him for no reason. Sometimes
Butcher Birds sit on the fence and they are tops because you can throw
a piece of meat and they will catch it in mid-air, but of all the birds
Charlie is the best. Charlie the Kookaburra is a top Aussie.
Skippy
Skippy is a top Aussie. Skippy was a bush kangaroo who became a
television star. On the TV show, Skippy lived with a Park Ranger and
his two kids, who were always getting into strife. Skippy always used
to rescue the kids or whoever was in trouble with a response time
that would put the Ambulance service to shame. People thought that
Skippy could talk because he made a "tik tik tik" sound, but Skippy
was really just pretending to be a wristwatch. Skippy eventually quit
the TV show citing mistreatment: the two kids always used to pull his
tail and the producers stored 6-packs of beer in his pouch.
Unfortunately Skippy's freedom did not last long, only two weeks after
quiting the show he was caught in the headlights of a HZ ute doing
140km/h along an outback road. Although Skippy's death saddened all
of Australia, his scotum made an excellent coin purse and his mangled
carcass featured in several roo-meat pies. Skippy is a top Aussie.
Paul Hogan
Paul Hogan is a top Aussie. He used to be a scaffolder on the Sydney
Harbour Bridge. Hoges was a funny bastard up on the bridge, and always
did stuff like spit gollies into convertibles down below. He entered
New Faces and was such a funny bastard that Winfield and Fosters got him
to do TV ads for them. In British TV ads for Fosters Hogan convinced the
Poms that their own beer was warm horsepiss and Fosters became massive
over there. Hogan also did his "shrimp on the barbie" ads for Australian
Tourism which resulted in large numbers of Americans buying barbeques
and shrimp. Hoges then did 60 episodes of "The Paul Hogan Show", where
he played himself, and did funny stuff like climb bridges and spit into
convertibles. Hogan then made Crocodile Dundee which made him a
legend, if only because he got with Linda Kozlowski who was a hundred
years younger than him. His famous line in Dundee II "That's not a knife,
that's a knife" started a trend of weapons carrying in Australia that
the Federal Prohibited Weapons Act is struggling to cope with.
Paul Hogan is a top Aussie.
Warwick Capper
Warwick Capper is a top Aussie. He used to play Australian Rules Football
For a team called the Sydney Swans, who are based in Sydney. Capper was
famous for three things: his footy skills, his shorts, and his hair.
Warwick's shorts were the smallest pair of shorts in AFL, a game which is
renowned for its tiny shorts. Warwick's hair has been the called the mullet
to end all mullets, and it used to keep the crowd enthralled during even the
slowest games. Some people claim that Warwick's shorts and Warwick's hair
became even more famous than the man who wore them, which may quite well be
true considering that his hair led the league in goalkicking in 1980 and
his shorts won the Brownlow Medal in 1982.
Warwick Capper is a top Aussie.
The Big Donger
The Big Donger is a top Aussie. It is an observation tower in
Newcastle that was constructed when the city planners saw the
need for a massive penis-like structure in the middle of town.
The Big Donger is called many names by locals, most of which play
on the fact that it looks like a huge dick. If you feel energetic,
you can climb up the inner staircase to the top, where the views of
the city will provide a momentary distraction which allows you to
forget that you are standing inside an enormous stiffy. The Big
Donger is built onto the side of a brewery, but that is small
consolation considering that it is a 30 metre steel tubed hard-on.
Although most Novocastrians regard the immense pork-sword as an
eyesore, the Big Donger is still a top Aussie.
Ray Martin's hair is a top Aussie. Unlike Warwick Capper's hair,
Ray Martin's hair is not famous for it's AFL goalkicking ability.
Aussies love Ray Martin's hair because it is so shiny and perfect
that many people believe it is manufactured from plastic. Ray, who
served 8 years in the Research Department of The Ozzi Polymer Co.
before his better known role as host of The Midday Show, has
always firmly denied that his hair is synthetic. Speaking during a
lunch break at the annual Australian Plastics Industry Conference,
Martin vented his anger about the speculation. "I wish this stupid
rumour would go away. IT IS NOT PLASTIC!" Channel 9 management gave
the statement - "We are unable to comment on Ray Martin's hair due
to confidentiality agreements, however we can tell you that Channel
9 has saved thousands on hairdressing."
Ray Martin's hair is a top Aussie.
Think that we're spastic cause we left out some top Aussies?
Tell us who they are and why they're so tops. It doesn't have to be true.
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