sunday, august 31st 2003

eeegh. fawk indeed. what a crazy and stressfull past few days it has been. Back to retarded home and soon to face retarded people at high school. Those stupid teenagers (nazly, oh how i envy you.)

that other night, after finishing up at the electronic cafe, my sister and i rented a movie (catch me if you can) and got some food. She went out and partied and I ate food at the apartment and watched the movie. I talked a bit with her roomate when she got back from work, but that's about it.

Although my sister is incredibly generous to let me come up there and butt into her life, which she's trying to get organized and under control at the moment, there's still a certain level of gernerousity involved/required. She was always nice and would get me anything i wanted if i asked her. However she's not too good at sticking to her word. I was dragged along furniture shopping with her and her nice roomate Tomoko, when thinking we would be going to china town, or japan town, castro street, or anywhere entertaining. I know she has a lot of friends up there, but can't she set them aside ONE day just to spend with her younger sister? It's a little awkward for me to be following on the end while she mianders with her friends, and i don't say a word. Her friends are very nice to me too, but i can be easily ignored. And me hating my personality around people doesn't make it any better.

I hate how don't share my true feelings and don't give a stern say in things as to how i'd rather do something else. However when i did once, my sister got agitated with me and that did nothing but make me utterly angry and i was grumpy the rest of the way thinking "how dare she drag me along to go furniture shopping when she promised me a day of a movie or some fun in the city". But we all got some good italian food afterwords and i felt guilty for being so angry, but it wasn't really fair none the less. I fell asleep back at her apartment, and her friends came over later to watch movies while i just went into her room and decided to not really associate (considering how agitated i was, and tired, and frustrated, i thought i might rub off on her friends the wrong way, so thought it best NOT to make a bad impression).

And when her friend offered me a beer and i passed on it, i think he thought i was mad at him; heh which was kinda funny, seeing as how he was trying to make me feel welcome. I almost considered taking it, in hopes that it would affect me and make me enjoy myself around people more. I never like how i act around others, so that might have loosend it up for me, and made things seem fun, and join in. Seemed tempting cuz i didn't want to be aware of everything around me, how mad i was at my sister, and how stressed out i was.

the only real time i spent alone with my sister was when we were taking bart and the muni to the airport. That's exactly -not- what i wanted. Why couldn't we relax and see a movie in the huge theater there? Walked around the city? bought some goodies in japan town or china town? I guess my timid personality and her passive attitude combined in "the wrong". It makes me think i'd never survive myself in a city; you have to be pretty firm with your objectives to survive or the city will tear you apart.

In any case i'm back home. After flying back and getting to the car garage, i went to turn on the car and it refused to start. great, i was this close to home, hadn't run into any problems along the way, till now. luckily at that moment b called me and i pleaded him to give me a ride back. of couse he was nice about it and left immediately, i felt so bad, but i realized then i could just ask customer service to jump start the car since the battery was obvioulsy dead (i made the mistake of leaving a light on in the car. you idiot sarah). SOOO they got it going, i had to call poor b who was on his way and already on the freeway to turn back around. I felt, or still feel, pretty bad. but in any case, i'm home, stranded at the house, picked up the dog, got some food and am alive in one piece.

I feel the only good thing i got out of it was a nice pair of shoes (fantastic, aren't they). it happens, and public transportation is scary. I don't know if i want to live there anymore. I've always wanted to since i can remember, and having my sister move up there just kinda dampered those thoghts (not her fault i mean though)...but i dunno. I'd have lung cancer in a year with that air quality. S.F is beautiful, fun, and vibrant nonetheless.

Now i find myself with school starting in one week, which of course i feel completely unprepared for. I just need to take a shower and hope it will rinse away some of this stress. At least i can relax tonight to myself.

Oh and i inteded on taking a lot of pictures, i love the often cloudly/foggy weather up there and all the people and complexes are always great eye candy, but i kept forgetting to bring my camera with me, so i merely got 2 pictres: one of the view from my sisters apartment, and one of the bart station underground..looking empty and non-exciting. Those are possibly the worst pictures i could have gotten. Go search for san fran pics on google images if you care that much. no? didn't think so. Too bad i didn't know my way around the city and how to travel on Muni, otherwise i would've had a hell of a time going all the places i would've liked..they had a huge movie theater, electronics boutique store, and much mnore all in one building (i saw it last time when i was up). why am i still talking about sf? i don't know!

i feel very dramatic.
i'm glad i have this thing to spill out and organize my thoughts into (whether or not people read these long entries, cuz i sure don't).

goodbye, sweet august. goodbye sweet summer.

friday, august 29th 2003

and i watched the VMA's last night. Madona is a god, but britney and christina are whores who need to find someone else to smooch on. (but of course you gotta have missy come out in the end, can't NOT have that...) The whole lesbian-hollywood-wedding-"big-hit-opening" was not that extravagant. MTV is striving for attention. But chris rock was great and hearing him be so contoversial couldn't have been better. hah haah.

So with that out of the way, i succesfully towed myself up to san francisco...flying alone is work. It took all that time to get to the airport and then fly up here. Then once i got here i realized i didn't really want to be here at all. I feel like i'm invading on my sister's life and i'm dead tired at the moment too. But i bought the greatest shoes and now all my money's gone (They're from london!). Looks like i'll have to cut meals in order to make sure i can afford getting back home on sunday.

i won't go into detail but people are just different in a city. people are more genuine, the stores are amazing (the shoe stores especially) and the people are crazy. Even older scary men on bussus who try to hit on you (speculation..). Well i don't want to think about it and now i'm really sore from walking and I just woke up from an unsuccessfull nap.

And now i'm in an internet cafe, wasting $5 just to spill out my day onto a weblog. could i have not picked a better way to waste my money and time? i'm hungry, my mouth hurts, complaining is relieving. pfff@ty*34bbbbleh.

monday, august 25th 2003

sunday, august 24th 2003

then i saw the first annual video game awards show on G4tv. it was kinda stupid...considering porn stars were giving out awards for games (ie "Guiltiest Pleausre game award" -what leaves you feeling dirty after you play it).

The best part of it was when Elijah Wood came on camera, and the guy who played Mary in LOTR. The LOTR Two towers game won best Movie->game award i believe. oh man, they are some sexy men, those hobbits. It makes me wish i were really skinny and beautiful and famous so i can make savage love to him... btw, i said that in a really depressed tone, so don't think i'm dirty.

I wish i were there. i like video games and Grand Theft Auto III seemed to win everything. But hearing this popular band from the 80's perform was pretty fun to see. I'm gonna weasle my way into that place next year so i can play video games, laugh at the silly cosplay costumes (they had this cosplay performance -and this whole kingdom hearts act-..its impossible not to make those things look silly, but the costumes were very good regardless. hey i'd do it to be on tv and meet elijah like this person), and be a gaming geek.

i have tryouts for tennis tomorrow at noon -way too early. Eeh..just kill me now, i don't care to live on, i've got nothing to look forward to this year.

No, thats a lie. matrix, lotr, and harry potter. thank god for books and movies and video games. that entire future/career thing though scares me bad, and i want to run away from it. i don't know what i want to do for a living..leave me alone! why does it always palgue my mind? i feel diseased. and i really feel like a dork sometimes. I just get like this when my room is messy: when it looks like crap i feel like crap. i need to clean...

friday, august 22nd 2003

and its lame how my parents are all stressed out and angry at each other right now; they take their anger out on me, on those sales-people who call, and anyone who does the slightest thing to upset them. parents are scary things, actually adults are. frightening, really. i'm living in a house of tension everywhere. help.

but check me out

Sarah's Battle Imp is

Eaery

Backstabbing: 5 Dodgin': 5 Guts: 9 Magic Mojo: 3 Smackdown: 4

Will your battle imp beat Sarah's? Enter your name and fight.

thursday, august 21st 2003

The other day i was a nervous wreck. everywhere aruond me was reminding me of the end of summer and the beginning of a new school year. A shame to think all last 9 months before june i was looking forward to these 3 short months. i don't want to go through that agaaaain, but..you know. that's life. and i think i'm finally facing it a bit better now. I had a horrible dream that i went back to school and my j1 japanese teacher (also to be my teacher next year i assume) was training our class to be a security force. no one was talking to me, they all hated me and i was a total loser in the classroom, feeling completely embarrassed and in loathing of school, people, and myself. and apparently i did something terribly wrong and the next thing i knew i was at the mall, and it was midnight, and i was a sniper. but i was caught and everyone was chasing me, trying to shoot me down and kill me, and ruin my sorry life. I felt like such a screw up and i was so relieved that it was merely a dream. But the thought of school had put me in a bad mood. And my mom kept bugging about registration crap and aaag. but by the end of the day i did come to that realization that its gonna come whether i like it or not. so i refuse to stress. I'm going to relax and enjoy the rest of my summer, and when the school year starts i'm still going to relax. I dont get to be 16 and in these "happy years" (as they like to call them) forever. And when i'm old and reminice on the past i don't want to think: yeah, i always wanted to get each day over with and was completely miserable all the time because that shadow of -school, work and homework- was always hanging over my head. so i feel i have a new motivation to enjoy each day. I'll never be 16 years, 9 months, so and so days old ever again after today, so i'm going to enjoy it and not let school force me to want my life to speed up, in the mere satisfaction of getting it over with.

hah, after that mumbo crap i wrote, i don't really know what i said, BUT i get to go to S.F next week, have to try out for tennis, and register. i dont' like schedules sometimes, but i guess they're a good thing.

so before andrea wants to rip my head off (which she wouldn't admit) and that goes for the rest of some of my friends too, i'm posting ALL the pictures you wanted:

-shoe tree daaaay
-Last movie night
-B's party
now we're ALL happy. and i don't plan on writing anymore.

ugh, all the sudden i'm mad again. and i'm frustrated. i suddenly want to bite jay leno's head off and drive to england. that's AFTER i steal puff daddy's -excuse me, P. Diddy's- flying car, and listen to Gorillaz all the way there, while spitting skittles out of my mouth at the seagulls who crap on the windshield. taste the rainbow mother truckers.

sunday, august 17th 2003

Even if we don't like society we still have to be a part of it; and we all rely on it.

well great. now that my sister is back home for a few days, she has to remind me of what i blanked out, the smell of smoke on the balcony because i have to have my window open cuz its so freakin hot outside. it smells like shit. why can't she stop smoking? it makes my head hurt. REALLY bad. i hate people, i do i do. I think i did a good job of showing it to my friends tonight too (that's not a good thing). Even though i didn't say anything about it to them, except B, its not the SMARTEST thing to leave a table in an open foodcourt while i'm away getting something and abandon my unfinished dinner. when i went back to the table they left, all my food was gone, and the stupid garbage food-pick-up-dudes canned it. it made me really angry and i decided against mentioning it to them. the only reason i went was because i wanted that dinner, and now its sitting unfinished in a trashcan. thanks a lot you guys.
i was angry the rest of the night, and we almost died in b's car cuz he's a lousy driver sometimes. i really wish andrea had been there.

saturday, august 16th 2003

my sister came home today and so did her friend. I read today (harry potter), played video games (gta3), ate food (in and out), and moped around (ouch my thumb is sore). god damn this weather. its making everyone go crazy. time to read some more.

WHOA!

Power Rangers Movie!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

friday, august 15th 2003

B Cake. (the master chefs that andrea and i are, what a fabulous cake it was, everyone liked it)

i'm convinced everyone is a lesser being than i am (except molly), not being that i'm conceited, but the fact that i hate everyone. i hate people. and its a marvelous feeling. KING SARAH! its almost as stupid as the hobo who was walking in the middle of the street when i was driving home today. i would have honked at him, it was only fitting, but there's that threat he'll pull a rusty wrench out of his shopping cart and start to mortally wound the hood of the car due to his insanity. i decided against doing so.

monday, august 11th 2003

My atrocious night with timmy:
I went to bed early that night, fell asleep peacefully reading. It was relaxing and i hadn't fallen asleep so early before. To my luck, i wake up an hour or so later (about 1am) to hear horrendous screeched barking. My cat, who was sleeping next to me, shared a mutual look of disgust and annoyance with me. We both rolled our eyes; just our luck to have a screaming dog running around the house, to keep us awake and bother the neighbors.
Seeing how the hearing goes when you're older, my grandma slept peacefully while i was running around downstairs trying to restrain myself from ripping its head off. about 30 min later it ran upstairs and shut up. "finally" i thought, and started to dose off. the instant i was a second from sleep, the little weasle thought it'd be fun to sneak into my room, stand right next to my bed, and bark as loud as it could (waking me up a 2nd time).
I won't describe the anger i had towards my parents especially at this point; while they slept happily and i was dog-sitting. So i repeated the previous process of silently shushing it while it defiantly barked in my face, enjoying my angry reactions. I kept thinking "I'm gonna drop-kick the fuKcing dog." (i just watched Magnolia with my friends the other night.. i'm getting into that bad habbit of quoting movies i like, but it was so fitting at that moment.) so i laughed internally to myself at my own silly joke, grabbed a coke and icecream (which was upsetting b/c i was trying to eat "healthy" the entire day, but found my cares clouded overy by my frustrations). I figured i'd just stay up the whole night, and that caffine would do the trick. well it DID do the trick alright, but just in time for the dog to sleep. Its like he shut up instantly and went upstairs to sleep after i finished the soda. i squirmed in bed for 2 hours and dozed into sleep, just to wake up early the next morning so my grandma could go back home and take that despicable creature away from here.

when i came downstairs, my cat followed me. Timmy ATTACKED my poor lovely Molly and wouldn't stop barking. Once it got past me and my grandma tried to stop him from freaking out, she suddenly had all this blood on her left wrist..blotched around. I kinda freaked out at that for the moment, ignoring the dog running around barking like a mad dog in the living room. But she went right after the dog and shut him up (thank god). then my grandma came back, wiping off the blood, not giving a 2nd mention to it. so i kept my mouth shut. seeing blood first thing in the morning before eating wasn't the most settling feeling.

she and i cooked toast and we ate breakfast. my cat vanished. it seems to take my grandma about an hour to eat her breakfast, because she was talking to me about the dullest of things. I was so tired and angry i can't remember. But we WERE talking about how much we hated police and it was quite the stimulating conversation. At least she had good knowledge when it came to expressing the stupidity of cops. But apparently she got a ticket this morning for street cleaning (left the car out). it was my fault i forgot to tell her and i knew my dad would be upset. what a terrible time. Especially when my parents promised me no stress while they were gone.

She left, I called my parents, argued (well not really, they were very sympathetic, and i felt bad for making them worry and flipping out to them), got tonight free of a grandmother. When my grandma called me back once more after she returend home, she told me the blood came from her dogs eye. apparently the cat scratched it when she was attacked (the eyelid i found out, not the eyeball -which could be disastrous-) i had a silent triumph when i heard the news but i felt bad for my concerned grandmother. yay for molly. i hate dogs.

its sad though. all the things i hate about myself are apparent in my grandma. i mean, i do love her, she's a funny lady with great qualities, but every trait i have that i hate, she has. Its the most terrible thing to tolerate in the world sometimes. I wanted to rip my head of, i assure you that. Its depressing and upsetting. Seeing all the qualities you hate, right in front of you placed in someone you CAN'T hate... errffghad. i was in a bad mood. but sarah loves her grandma.

tonight was spent with aimee and b. its alll about food and mexican train. i felt better. (and no dog or grandma, a night alone couldn't be any more relaxing, ever.)
it helped after the terrible heat we've had for the past week and my stupidity of trying to play sports in it (i got bad pains from it).

but i love my mom and dad. and my older sister (i'm very proud of her, but she makes me feel like i can't accomplish things sometimes, she's good at what she does because she has fun doing it, and not worrying while doing it like me). I think i'm the luckiest person in the world sometimes to have the family i'm gifted with. But it just makes me feel more selfish when i start getting depressed and sorry for myself. everyone has that feeling "who am i to complain when so many others have it worse". I hate that thought and ignore it. if i want to be sad and hate myself, i will be sad and hate myself. everyone hates their lives and themselves sometimes. everyone loves their lives and themselves other times. i don't understand emotion anymore i think, and i will not discuss it. but lets not go feeling desperate. eh, there's no sweet without bitter (that's from vanilla sky, which i got to finish watching today. content.)
the only satisfactory feeling i ever have is not being alone. even if i don't know that person personally, i think to myself (or let myself think): at least there are other people who feel like me, and understand where i'm coming from.
like i've been constatnly worrying about school and my future again lately (the 2 things that always plague my mind...its like a cancer in my head) i hate worrying but i can't stop it from happening.

anyway, i'm always against writing out every mundane detail of my day, but i can't remember the last time i was so agitated and thought expressing it might calm me down. de-stress antidote, that's what this thing is. enjoy the extreme detail of every event in this entry, you won't see it agian.
i good you bid evening.

(didn't like what i wrote? maybe this will make up for it)

thursday, august 7th 2003

wednesday, august 6th 2003

anyway, i headed over to andrea's today and she finally watched quills (amber only saw the 2nd half) hahah. oh man, what a spectacular movie. scandelous is the word. so i came home to see Arnold Swljsadfljks;djf (i'm not gonna attempt to spell it) all over the news about his new campaign to run for california state governor. so...how great is that??? the TERMINATOR running this state, oh man, that's so damn cool. I don't wanna get rants and raves about this in the guestbook though..I know even the bestest of friends can have throatcutting disputes when it comes to political opinion. So anyway, now there may be no T4, but that'd be one awesome head of state. I can just see his campaign title after the gray davis dilemma: "TOTAL RECALL!!!" (you know..that movie he was in..)

THEN after seeing all the hub ub about that, i saw another news report about a church somewhere in the southeast or something. The minister rounded up everyone at the chuch to have a huge anti-harry potter fest (?!?!?) How COULD they? they were all raving about how "anti-christian" harry potter is. So they felt the best way to solve this situation was to set up a big bonfire and throw any harry potter merchandise they could get their hands on, into the fire! the minister/priest/whatever claims "those who are influenced by anything of wizardry and magic will persue a path of following satin." oh man...i'm so angry about that statement, that i can't even put it into words. I think the point of this is self-explanitary. Why do i always find myself disagreeing with religion?

i've decided watching television does nothing but make me angry. especially this crap on tv like elimidate, with adults acting like jr. high students and flashing each other for some "excitement". i'm gonna do nothing but watch cartoons and seinfeld on tv for the rest of the year.

speaking of how sick people are, -this- is messed up.

anyway without further adoo..i leave you with this: MATRIX PING-PONG!!!!!

(did you read this entire entry? good for you, these entries have been running long lately...)

monday, august 4th 2003

i tire of things easily, especially web layouts. If i have to look at it constantly, i might as well make sure it stays interesting. So what do you think? It was easy to do, but i just couldn't find a picture I liked. I guess this is good enough. Once i had that it was easy as piiiieee. yumm. Its so simple and wonderful. I love you, new layout. But... it's so simple that i'm going to get bored with it very easily. sigh...
sadly, it doesn't match my guestbook at all! oh boo. I'm not changing that, those things are more work. We'll just say drastic color changes are the new trend...
btw, see that little face in the info? click refresh and it will keep changing. it fits all my multiple personalities. oh yes, what an asset.

right now my dad is running around the house locking all the doors and windows; he told me some girl's house got broken into and she was raped and robbed at gunpoint. That must've been why all those cops were near a house when I drove by today. Great, this means my parents are gonna restrict everything i get to do for months now. Stupid rampaging rapists. I hate you, I hope you burn in hell. Or maybe the cops will actually do their job for once and arrest you. yay, no more pulling innocent drivers over for no reason!

B was super today and took andrea and I to Mitsuwa. That place gets better each time. I authentically enjoyed myself, I hoped it would cheer up drea. B's great like that and sweeps both of us off our feet whenever we want him to. Even if it's at the last minute. Now i'm enjoying my wonderful bottle of Ramune and trying my best to relax this evening. Not too challenging.

And look i finally took this wonderful quiz. how fitting:

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

I escaped to arrowhead for the weekend, just for a night. And that was enjoyable as well. My mom and I watched movies, messed around with a 1000 piece puzzle (we are so damn good), and ate good food. Consdering how shitty i've been feeling lately, I think it's been a very good few days. I'll save my panic attacks for those dreadfull days when school draws near. Au revoir!