uh, ew? Now when showering, i have to rinse my legs with Chlorhexidine Cluconate solution 4.0% w/v, and antiseptic/antimicrobial skin clenser; or so the bottle says. On top of that, I've been perscribed with keflex pulvule cephalexin (???) and have to take 4 250mg capsules a day. I find it all quite interesting...and obnoxious. Supposedly this is whats going to stop the infection and retain it from spreading further. This is all one big pain in the ass.

what have i been doing the past week, i dunno. i cant remember yesterday even. everything in my life right now feels like its smearing together; so i go browsing the internet most of the day / reading / play a video game / listen to music / whatever else i do with my free time..to try and keep myself occupied. If not i'll start thinking and that just puts me in a bad mood.

B's party was last friday. he did a good job i enjoyed myself. Got 2 starbucks cards cause apparently i got one lucky hand of cards & figured out I was batman...yeah. Found out i suck at darts. And I ate a lot of food. a lot!

I got a card from Aimee today, it put me in a pretty good mood, btw awesome card Aimee, I'm going to pin it up. when i opend it, it smelled of incents. :)

I have to go to a memorial for my great uncle tomorrow. He passed away. But those things are just terribly awkward. I really dislike being around family. Regardless, they are total strangers that you have to act friendly with because you're related.

My mom and I have been at each others necks lately it seems. I dont know why. She makes me feel bad about everything, she doesn't mean to. She is trying to help me out. I tried telling her how i felt and she said I can't go on being this "sad person". I had nothing to say in my defense really.. In any case i'm now scheduled to see a psychiatrist on Monday at 3pm. I have to go 5-6 times till I get to decide if i want to keep doing that.

This all just feels so ridiculous.
My mother was trying to explain it by telling me that i need someone to help me get through my 'problems' so that i can go on doing stuff like i used to. She told me that if your mental health is so low, you cant accomplish anything; everything seems so miserable.

I dunno what to think, i'm tired of trying to think. She said that I'm always tired and always sleepy and all this stuff. People dont like to hear what other people think about them (well some dont). I dont want to go talk to some stranger about whats on my mind, when i dont even know whats on my mind.

When we were in the car my mom asked me if there was anything I was looking foward to. Of course i didn't say anything, i had nothing to say. Thats what made her decide that I had to go see a psychiatrist, cause its just -someone to talk to- since talking to your parents about stuff can be too frustrating, at least thats what she said.

I dont act myself around people i know and trying to enjoy yourself takes up too much energy sometimes. dont a lot of people feel that way?

in any case i dont want to go talk to someone. I dont want attention i just want to be left alone. My mom doesn't think i can get out of this slump i'm having now by myself. I dont know what my problem is. I dont like how I act around people. I cant focus, I dont feel relaxed after so much summer has gone by, I'm stressed out about things i dont have control over--well i do have control over them with my decisions..but i dont want to make any decisions. i cant make decisions. too indecisive. Everything feels so shitty right now and i dont know what to do about it. I'm afraid I'm going to do worse next year like i've been doing every year. Ever since highschool started i have been declining in everything i do. Socially, academically, physically; i feel like the trend is going to stay that way my entire life. I cannot remember the last time I improved, and sometimes i feel like my parents are way too nice about it. My parents can make me feel selfish because they are sometimes too nice to me. I have it easy in life, but i just dont know how to handle myself. And i HATE being misunderstood. no i'm not 'putting myself down' for a pity-call, that assface can go to hell for accusing me of something like that. I guess i have a problem with dwelling on things, huh. Well i'm still pissed off about that and it constantly bothers me, regardless.
haaah
I'm going to go watch a movie.

I'm getting really tired of the VAST site not updating tour dates. As much as I'm not really into going to any concerts, I'd love to go to theirs anyway :( Or some other band I really like for once. You know its not even that, I just want to go out and do something fun.
This summer has been the biggest letdown. Maybe I was expecting it to be just like last summer (I'm sure B and Aimee would say its cause I never answer my phone...), but there's too much on my mind now to try and enjoy it. as;dklfj;alskdjf indeed.

To anyone who I played FFXI with...my account has finally been canceled, suckas. Apparently my dad went ahead and took care of it for me without telling me...simply casue I had mentioned he wouldn't have to pay anymore for it and finally would have nothing to get mad at me about (yes, all this was kindof an in-your-face-pops! attempt cause he had been so upset with me all year for ...well that). So that means I didn't get to send out my stuff and I've got 90 days to change my mind on this (fat chance). Just a slight FYI to you beautiful...ffxi..people. R.I.P Brhee.

Aimee leaves for Washington or Sacramento or some place somewhere tomorrow. 2 weeks is a long time Aimee :( You'll have fun.
As for me I was up all night messing this thing up. Ian the super studly guy who wasted 3 hours sending me my lost copy of photoshop...made it possible >:D But looking through pics, that tifa one makes me tired of waiting for the AdventOfChildren dvd to come out; it looks sooo gooood.

Anyway, for my own sake i need to stop stressing myself out so much.

Dancer in the Dark is probably one of the most depressing movies i've ever seen. But it really makes you think, and is one of those movies that makes you feel different --or the feeling of having a different perspective rather, after watching it.

when i was playing diablo2 and she got bored, she'd come into my room and sit and watch me. she thought the game looked so cool that she just -had- to play it. so yeah..she pretty much took over my computer as well.

as for christopher the 5 year old, he's pretty funny. he'd come in my room and just chill out watching cartoons not saying ONE word. He's quiet and therefore i love him for it >:D
they're really good kids, i'm just evil for not liking children.
every morning starting at 8:00am i'd hear some footsteps run into my room then run out. This happend repeatedly in intervals of like..20min or so, to see if i was awake yet. When we went over to my grandmothers, Caroline wanted to play checkers. Of course you have to let the kid win..but, Chris wouldn't stop pouting when i wouldn't let him take the kings off the board. Sadly, somehow during this process they found out i was really ticklish and wouldn't stop putting their hands all over me in an attempt to tickle me. annoying..but what could you do. i will be glad when they're gone, but i do think i will miss them.

in any case, since i last posted i -finally- started browsing collegeboard.com in hopes to get an idea of where the hell i'm going after highschool. I felt better about myself for not being so lazy as usual, but the whole thing made me feel sick and i spent 3 hours trying to get an idea. I dunno if that helped or not.

B Aimee and I went to see the Village. i dont know why so many people are bashing that movie. I thought it was great. Some people have no concept of what a good movie is anymore. I can see where people would say the twist is kindof a letdown, cause it crashed everything you knew before that part. But in a sense, it didn't really ruin anything. Its a great movie and i love M. Night Shyamalan’s work and i do plan on seeing it again. Anyone who said it sucked doesn't know what a good movie is. -_-

In my hopes of avoiding being around the house (to avoid relatives..) I went to the bookstore and got The Once and Future King, since i've been wanting to read it for awhile now.
after that i went down to the library and just read for awhile. When i was leaving there was some kind of a weird "concert in the park" going on. In my boredom i went to see what was going on, only found a mob of old couples listening to some kind of classical group playing nothing but patriotic music. the whole thing was rather stupid. But i did discover the true existance behind the three-old-ladies-in-red-hats (which i explained in full to aimee, so its not worth repeating here).

To end this mindless rambling, i rented the french foreign film "The Piano Teacher" and watched it just last night. I dont suggest that movie to anyone unless you want to be left feeling grossed out and confused. Also rented "Dancer in the Dark" simply cause i wanted to see Bjork in a movie. She is the strangest person, yet so unique, how could anyone not like her.

and today andrea aimee and i spent time together going to random thrift shops. i guess it was okay but i got a headache so i guess i'm not really into all that. oh well. being with andrea and aimee is what was enjoyable though, and i'm glad i got to see them.

I dont feel like i said anything important. I should just stop now.