thursday, june 24th, 2004

god i just can't deal with anything thats thrown at me anymore. whenever i'm stressed to the point that i feel like i'm going to explode i go out for a walk or something, anything, to get fresh air and let myself 'de-stress' and just -think-. I found out thinking too much is really not the best way to go about things. You look into the problem too deeply, and in the end feel completely lost instead of resolved. This world is way too big to cope with whats going on, i can't balance everything out. I just want people to listen i guess?

Found myself in the same position tonight, stressed, just said screw this; threw some clothes on, picked up the portable cdplayer, grabbed the bike and left. I needed to get out, i do the same thing everytime. Even though it was 1am, night air is really refreshing b/c everything is dead silent and everyones asleep but you.
Rode down to my old elementry school. Started remembering way too much stuff, i hate waves of nostalgia, it only makes you sick to your stomach. Its changed a lot but it made me really depressed riding all over the campus again. Life was so much easier when you were that young.

Like every other time i really wasn't accomplishing anything for myself. Started riding down Saybrook to Edinger, streets are dead no cars or anything, figures. I'm coming up to the stopsign, riding right next to the sidewalk. I see some white truck pull up about 300ft in front of me. They just stop, apparently saw me riding up to the street. suddenly the car makes a wide turn and veers to the side of the road i'm on, facing me head on and starts accellerating. I just think "oh FUCK! a drunk!". I just see headlights coming right at me and hear the car speeding up really fast. Like hell i knew what to do, this shithead was drunk and gonna run me over. I jump off the bike onto the sidewalk, slam against the wall not knowing how the hell i'm going to avoid it. The bastard gets feet in front of me then quickly swerves back into the lane and speeds off. SHIT. It scared the hell out of me. I felt like i didn't care afterwords, at least he didnt hit the bike either; but i just started crying. I thought i was gonna get hit, i was stressed out about everything again and flat out mad.

I was completely paranoid on the way home. I hate people. there is NOTHING good about people. I have to keep myself distracted better from now on so i stop thinking about everything i dont even have control over.

Good place to start is by getting a job. Fortunately B offered work for me aimee and andrea this saturday. One days worth of catering, and actually getting paid for doing work once, this is a good start.

I'm glad i know some people who -don't- suck in this world, aimee b amber andrea nazly, i was glad to see them again. AND watch Trainspotting and Suicide Club. Movies about drugs and self-suicidal asian teenagers, what a good way to watch movies.

Hey, its finally summer, i just have to intercept the report card before the parentals see, and i'm ok (finished junior year with the worst grades i've ever gotten).
Who cares, last year is done, GONE nothing i can do to change it now, so i have nothing to worry about with that. This summer, i'm gonna get back into better shape, finish my reading, get a job, and get this college-stress off my mind. Things will fall into place.
I just hate people. Fuckin retards.