Sunday, March 27th 2005

somehow, someway, for some reason, i made it to spring break.
easter is lame
and i'm going to nyc bish!

Wednesday, March 2nd 2005

how do you possibly sum up what feels like to be living one of the worst weeks of your life?
and i dont even know why. nothing -too- in particular has happend that has made it to be so.. but when you feel so SO crappy about everything, there's just a point where you stop yourself and think,
"how much more of this can i really take?"
i just dont know.

so, my mom came up to me a few weeks ago saying, "Sarah, lets just take a day next saturday and drive down to look at some of these colleges, maybe just to help de-stress you a bit". I was like, okay, i need to, i should, it'll help me feel better maybe, etc etc.

So that week i call back the admissions director at the Art Institute. I tell her a bit about myself, I give her info, she tries to help me decide what i should take if i do decide to attend that small school, blahblah. There was going to be a 'senior saturday' that day we were going down there; i went ahead and had her put my name on the list (where you would go and take one of the classes to get an idea of what its like and if it fits to your interests). Also made an appt. to meet with her sometime this month.

anyway. saturday comes up, i'm running late in the morning as usual. I really didn't feel comfortable going to this. I -dont- want to be rushed when i'm nervous about this crap. So i take my time, we're running a bit late, i made the decision to myself that morning that i just wasn't going to go to the class- and just show up at the college, tour it a bit, and try my best to feel comfortable. this is not the time to be stressing out, right? So i'm taking my time, its like 8:30am, just drying my hair. My mom doesn't really know whats going on, she's fed up with me running late and not getting shit done.

Now i dont know exactly what gave her good reason to spaz out this time.. i know people get carried away and blow up, but i dont know what i did to provoke this one. She comes up to the door, knocks on it, and i can tell she's already lost her nerve. "What the HELL is wrong with you?" <-not something my mom would normally say.
Now, no one likes hearing someone say that to them. I cant deal with this again, i just tell her "mom, dont do this to me this morning. i dont want to deal with it right now." i'm not even spazzing out. She walks off, i'm feeling craptastic cause i got my mom mad at me again and i dont know why.

She comes back like 2minutes later literally fuming, screaming at me through the bathroom door.
"you know sarah. when you graduate, -IF- you graduate, i'm marching you OUT of this house and putting you in the military so you dont waste any of your dad's and my money"

yeah its just about the worst thing you hear whether she meant it or not. she still fucking said it. here, my mom does not think i am capable of passing highschool cause i've missed so much class. saying i WASTE their money. i never buy SHIT i do not ask my parents for ANYTHING. I dont like doing it. Its so fucking ridiculous, i felt so distraught after that. I didn't say anything back. whatever you know. I'm just tired of being here. In a life i hate. existing is literally making me feel sick EVERY DAY. i'm so disgusted with life in general, what can i do about it?

I was so mad about what she said to me. I'm like fuck this i'm leaving. When i get downstairs, she says "why do you make me say mean things to you?!" ......... um.. k.. i guess now i have the power to control what you say..
i dont remember what was said after that. point is, it was ..well pointless. hah

I just ended up leaving and calling my dad telling him how i cant do this anymore. he calms me down and tells me to pick him up from his meeting so we can go down to look at the colleges. I didn't really want to anymore (well i didn't want to in the first place anyway) but I dont know what else to do with myself. so i do that, he's being really nice and calm about things, trying to make me feel better about the situation.

i feel so bad for my dad. It makes me hate myself a lot. I feel like i disappoint him, its such a horrible feeling. I've decided i just dont like older women. They freak out too much, they're moody, and irrational when things dont work their way. When its my dad, he'll maybe get upset and freak out for like 5minutes, then be over it and tries to rationalize. My mom will try to warm up to you and make you feel better and say this and that; yet in the end she just makes herself out as a hypocrite, runs you down, and tries to point out what a shitty person you are and how you're too helpless to be worth anyones time.
Seriously thank goodness for my dad. but it just makes me feel bad.

We drove down, i tried not to be so closed up. I'm -really- bland to my parents. I hardly say anything to them or react to them unless we're in some kind of argument. I dont know why I do so, but its like i always mumble responses to them, I'm never straightforward or open to them. It's like I'm ashamed of myself around them. Or that i just dont know what to say to them. Easily intimidated explains it about right.

I havn't talked to my mom since, I dont have anything to say to her. I'm tired of her fake encouragement and then to be run down even harder in the end..especially when i didn't even do anything. seriously, what the shit.

my dad's been nice and trying to make me feel better and help me out. it just makes me feel guilty. and i cant help it.

what else has been going crappy? For some reason the school has been calling every night saying I have uncleared absences. I cant believe it, i've been goingto class. i dont want last semester to repeat itself. Here i am, GOING to my classes, yet my parents are still getting calls and they think i'm ditching. I quit. Even when i try, it still doesn't work out.

Every morning just sucks. I guess the school decided to change the bell system on us in the middle of the year; cause the bells are ringing like 3-4 minutes earlier than they used to. And when it comes to being on time to school, every single minute matters. Not only that, but they've also decided to distribute more parking permits than there are spaces. So, i get to school 10 minutes before the bell rings. Is there parking? NO. WHY is the school doing that. I have to park across the street and be late, and get annoyed looks from the women in the office when i aide there in the morning; cause i cant be on time "like everyone else." well THERE'S NO PARKING! okay??!

talk about a bad experience, i came in today and had 2 new students from texas that i had to give a campus tour to. No big deal, i usually like doing that. Its my chance to make a friend for like 40 minutes while showing them around, they dont know anyone else yet, i'm their first acquaintence, its nice. then i take them to their class and never really see them again. oh well.

but anyway about my shitty morning:
after i'm done taking them to class i come back to the office and Tammy wants me to run out to mr. Wilferts (or whatever his name is) class and have him verify some date on this paper. He's the shop teacher..whatever its called, basically his class is a bunch of guys who work with metal and cars and dirty shit all day long.

When i get to the class he's busy, so i wait a bit. He's finally done, tuns around and shouts "GIRL!" ..i guess referring to me that he's ready to look at the note now. okay.. @_o.. so after he checks the note and i'm ready to go back to the office he's like "i dont like girls." okay.. i'm sure he's joking around anyway. but..he just goes on and on. "out of my classroom." i'm trying to laugh about it, like 'jeez Mr. Wilfert, i dont like you either haha' yet..he goes on. "Tell Tammy not to send girls out here anymore. I dont like them." yeah... what else did he say? i dont fucking remember. NICE FUCKING JOKE. i mean he -had- to be joking, right? why was he being so serious and repatative?

I mean, what the hell was that all about, seriously? School is so retarded. My classes are pointless. I dont even know why I'm there. i'm not learning a goddamn thing. I think we're just there to test our endurance of how many idiots we can put up with at once. Good example of this is my 4th period. We aren't doing crap in virtual enterprise right now, so I have to listen to these idiots... not even worth repeating the shit they talk about. Not to mention I have to deal with Scott totally INVADING my personal space (i'm really picky about people getting into my business and all...well 'touchy-touchy nudge-nudge'). Its funny though, he asks me what i do with all my time, since i'm so "secretive". I dont really have an answer, so I let him come to his own conclusions. He'll joke that I lead some exciting life outside of school, that I must be partying all night cause i look so tired and sad when i come to class, L O L..

here's what i know:
i am NOT looking forward to anything in my life right now.
i'm scaring myself out of doing things. Everything. Like the job i was gonna get.
i dont feel good about anything.
waking up every single day is the worst feeling of your life.
i'm tired of feeling like all i do is complain and feel sorry for myself.
how can you FEEL sorry for yourself when you're not even happy with yourself? seriously mom, i wish you never fucking said that to me. It never wants to leave my head.

i'm waiting for something to happen, cause i just cant go on like this. I want to get out of here and leave everything behind soo so bad.

what i've been doing lately: pretty much staying to myself. I dont feel too comfortable or myself around anyone right now. I'm trying to figure out how to get over being such a wimp about facing stuff. And to figure out what I like and what i want to do. See how i'm over-thinking EVERYTHING?

there are some people in the world who just cant handle things well. everything is really lonely. but people are too obnoxious to be around.

i'm waiting to die in a freak accident. i -want- to.
cause i just cant deal with anything thrown at me.

*a small note. I hate poetry. I think its boring and I dont waste my time with it. However, the only piece of poetry I ever liked, Lord Byrons' "Childe Harold's Pilgriage". I didn't read all of it, i.e Canto III, but there are some points that stick out.

113
I have not loved the world, nor the world me;
I have not flattered its rank breath, nor bow'd
To its idolatries a patient knee,--
Nor coin'd my cheek to smiles,--nor cried aloud
In worship of an echo; in the crowd
They could not deem me one of such; I stood
Among them, but not of them; in a shroud
Of thoughts which were not their thoughts, and still could,
Had I not filed my mind, which thus itself subdued.

15
But in Man's dwellings he became a thing
Restless and worn, and stern and wearisome,
Droop'd as a wild-born falcon with clipt wing,
To whom the boundless air alone were home:
Then came his fit again, which to o'ercome,
As eagerly the barr'd-up bird will beat
His breast and beak against his wiry dome
Till the blood tinge his plumage, so the heat
Of his impeded soul would through his bosom eat.

137 (canto IV)
But I have lived, and have not lived in vain;
My mind may lose its force, my blood its fire;
And my frame perish even in conquering pain;
But there is that within me which shall tire
Torture and Time, and breathe when I expire;
Something unearthly, which they deem not of,
Like the remember'd tone of a mute lyre,
Shall on their soften'd spirits sink, and move
In hearts all rocky now the late remorse of love.

I think everyone can relate to that. If not, you're just empty and bleak.