WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29th, 2006
I don’t know what I’m on, but last night I had a dream where I was in the army with queen latifa. It was ww2 and we and a bunch of other women were getting shipped out to military bases to run the military grocery store. It was cold and the officers were bitches that treated us like a bunch of p.o.w’s, and if we refused to do the groceries we’d be killed. Or something? Queen latifa had this cut on her finger that she kept looking at. Near the end of the dream she realized that she’d had that cut for several months; and after discovering she was dying from hemophilia , I didn’t see her anymore. When we landed at the base I realized everyone else in the dream was from the cast of "A League of Their Own"
Honestly wtf? Somewhere before all that I was at a water park that only had like 2 other people there, and I was trying to talk to the guy running the waterslide but he’d keep disappearing.

I dunno if that tops Andrea's dream waaay back from freshman year of high school: where Glenn Close forced her to gather up everyone into the school cafeteria and shoot them. Or something like that, I really don’t remember. Lol oh man..

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15th, 2006
so i went to english today and nobody was there! yay... i'm just thrilled to have worked my ass off for the past 48hours trying to finish that manzanaar essay all for nothing. hooray for life

remember kids: when you write long entries about your schoolwork, no one really cares. we skip those entries, and no one reads them. (so keep them short like this one)

SUNDAY, MARCH 12th, 2006
I stayed in bed till 3pm today in an attempt to deliberately extend the most surreal and amazing dream i've had in ages, but it didn't really work. And I tell you, i'll forget the whole thing in another hour's time anyway. and what the hell, why didn't I know about this?
i dont care if it got an A or an F, i'm gonna further procrastinate on the mushpit of english homework I have to go see this, goodbye.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8th, 2006
good luck reading this entry.
so my dad accused me of completely not caring about missing a class today. You know how you get too much stuff on your mind that you cant even sleep well? you feel completely tired on the inside but not really sleepy so to say, just a little crazy.
I really care about my Western Civ class more than I do about any of the others. I want to do well, it's interesting to me, no way do I want to oversleep. But my phone is the devil and it didn't alarm this morning (I have NO fucking clue why.. it's set to ring everyday, and I couldn't have subconscoiusly turned it off cause it's way too loud, wakes me up everytime).

Regardless I missed the class and get woken up by my dad at 9:20 right as the class is ending. Since he's upset over it he finds it fitting to say as many detrimental things he can to make me feel even worse about it (being mad at myself isn't enough apparently). Last time it was "you need to learn some responsiblity" this time it's "if you had cared enough you would have woken up." OKAY DAD. I cant complain, i saw this kind of stuff happening since i moved back home and knew it to be a consequence. I just get so frustrated. whinewhinewhine complaincomplain boohoo. same. old. shit.

But this is just one thing, shit like this happens everday. As I see it, there's always one really crappy thing that happens to you each day. Maybe once i get a better attitude I'll start noticing the better things, but that doesn't seem to be happening. ever.

Been trying to be responsible and stay on top of things, I feel like I'm barely managing. It's kindof like clinging to the edge knowing you can fall of so easily, and probably will. So i dunno if i should brace myself for the inevitable mess I'm gonna get into or keep pushing at it while feeling exhausted. Everything is gonna seem impossible when you dont give a rats ass. Neustadts motivational pushes aren't very ..well, motivating. His incite is not convincing and doesn't even sound intelligent. I dont exactly know how to put it.

People need things that make them happy, it's why they'll keep at what they're doing in order to secure whatever that is. so i think you're kinda fucked when -nothing- is making you happy. When you've got absolutely no escape. Or sometimes people just abuse that 'escape' they have, and royally fuck up their own life (be it drugs, alcohol, eating, etc). I'm not getting much enjoyment out of anything at the moment, and that just leaves you feeling kindof lost. I almost wish the human race was still naive and unadvanced. Believing the supernatural is possible and more secure beliefs in life after death is a little more comforting than what science has proven to us today. Nothing magic about life anymore. Your entire personality can change with a simple prodding to your brain. It's all function and fact.
Voltaire's famous quote states it nicely: "If God didn't exist it would be necessary to invent him." Cause of course without that 'hope' that everyone supposedly has, we'd cease to function. Seriously life is a hell when you see no good or meaning in anything. If your'e not enjoying anything, you're in that position. And it's too bad more people dont realize that, if they'd stop thinking about themselves and their own life for a second then maybe they would.

Neustadt has been calling my cynicalness a defense mechanism. Maybe so, but there's no point to change it when i have NO desire to. I've gotten so used to being bitter it almost makes dealing with things easier (call me lazy). Though in the end you're only left feeling crappy; as opposed to the person who 'takes on the challenges' and forces themselves into shit they dont wanna do so that they're left feeling more capable and better about themselves as a whole.
I dont care if the challenges are good, i think his points are common knowledge to anyone who knows how to use their brain and try to understand a situation, and i dont wanna talk about this.

And so it seems, studying doesn't even get me decent grades these days. What do i do now? Study harder? no stamina.

My english assignment the other day was to describe a person in complete physical description in 750 words. I didn't know who the hell to write about and it wasn't gonna be my parents, so I went to the library and found some woman sitting in the corner and settled for that. I felt so critical and horrible writing about this woman cause she was kinda overweight. My descriptoins didn't come off as nice but you cant call a plain description mean either. You can imagine what a creep i felt like.
I dont really have a point, my english teacher just makes us write crazy stuff. "hey! lemme stare at you and observe you for half an hour so i can write this paper, thanks". She didn't notice at all at first but after 20minutes I think she did so I got up and left. The finished paper wasn't even that good anyway.

btw academy awards were pretty good this year, no? hats off to jon stewart.

i havn't been doing anything lately. at all. its driving me crazy, wanna hang out? call me ill pick up. i need something to do. talk to me and i'll listen, i've got nothing much to say. i really need to get my comments back up.

*I just realized, all of my entries were dated in 2005 lol. Fixed it, i'm a year behind myself apparently...