saturday, may 22nd, 2004

I'm excited for Andrea, i really want pictures woman! you will have a lovely time. See look, even i'm anxious about it. :D

But i went saw aimee at her work today, she looked so busy. They work her so hard, and i started to hate everyone for wanting to stuff their faces with fuji burgers. Shame on them.

I've been really sick with some kind of virus the past few days, I dont remember feeling so drained before. As i was sitting on the couch watching a movie my entire body was aching, my throat swollen, my nose running, my head hurting and even my tooth aching (wtf?). I thought perhaps I am dying, because it felt so stupid; and i got really excited b/c i thought HEY, that would mean i dont have to finish my stupid japanese skit project. AND the people in my group probably wouldn't have to either because well, i would not be there and the skit would be incomplete. I think in the end that would make us happy, and i would never have to deal with shit again. But of course when you start thinking 'happy' you start to feel better. My guess is i'll be well by sunday night, just in time for me to organize that mass pile of work i have to get done. 3 weeks left of school and I feel like its less time to bring up my grades; i'm overwhelmed and rushed, only because i let that happen to myself. I'm losing my head :(

Happy Birthday Kristin. Who thought my sister would be 20 already? where the hell has the time gone? I feel like i'm 11 years old, but no nooo, i'm turning 18 this year. what the hell...

when you find out someone hates you, thinks little of you, or flat out does not like you at all, ..its a slap in the face. It can make you act really out of line, but what you say or do is still based on how you feel inside. Life is learning to have to deal with the facts; some people just dont like you. odds are you find out a lot of people dont in the end. sometimes it is better not knwoing, you know? i feel so sick. I really dont like talking to people. I dont know if i'm upset at the other people or upset at myself. Its most likely both but i'm the one feeling crappy about it in the end. This is me wellowing in my self-pity everyone.

why does everyone get mad and turn their heads at me when i complain once? I hate it when no one can understand why i act the way i do.
I'm not going to talk to someone who tells me they're disappointed in me. you get a really uncomfortable feeling in your stomach when someone says they're disappointed in you.
Jared said something about me to jesse, now jesse says he's disappointed in me; and wont even tell me why. wont even tell me what it was. nothing but "i really think she needs help".
*(edit: i dont know how i feel about what i said above. mindless rant.)

i'm not crazy, i'm human.
i feel like shit.
and i'm so fucking tired of being unhappy with myself.

tuesday, may 18th, 2004

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