I was at saturday school from 7-11am today, for ditching. Its too hard to get myself to go to school..? College apps are due the 30th, its deadline, I still havn't gotten even one done. The Celexa felt like it was working for about 4 days. I felt okay, but now i'm feeling worse than ever, wtf. I'm so scared of everything right now that it's keeping me from getting anything done. I feel like i dont have a personality, and i really want one. Forcing myself to 'feel better' hasn't worked at all, I'm at a loss. Those 4 days i was feeling good was not because all the problems i had to deal with were gone, but because i wasn't spending every second of the day worrying about them. Why only 4 days ? That doesn't make sense.

When i got my physical, i had to go through all those stupid questions that i probably didn't answer 100% honestly simply cause i felt uncomfortable. I dont want to start lying to people without realizing it..;/
Dr. Duke wants me to get a blood test. I refused that day, i only remember the last one i had which i hold in the great distaste. She was saying that how I'm feeling could be due to a thyroid problem, and that if tht was the case I'd need to be taking a different medication to help. So sometime within a few weeks i gotta get myself to take a bloodtest.
and shit, i gotta get my wisdom teath out and another dental appointment..and that Impetigo disease came back on my left leg yet again. My body is dying on me.

Monday I felt like i hit an all time low, i couldn't sleep sunday night at all. And the last time I pulled an all nighter I felt so ill at school that I thought I would pass out before getting home..so i wasn't going to try that again. I was laying awake in bed till 6am (and sleeping isn't usually a problem for me) so i just got up for school like i normally do, but didn't go to school at all. I got breakfast (which was nice for a change since i never eat breakfast anymore) drove to some parking lot and slept in the car. What a fucking loser I am.

Whats worse is I feel awful about it all. I couldn't relax since i wasn't in school. I made myself sit there feeling like crap cause I wasn't going to class..as easy as it is. I walked around a long time after i woke up. I eventually came home a little bit earlier than normally on a school day. My dad came home, asked what was wrong, I was being agitated as usual and he was being really nice to me. And understanding. Of course he blew up at me later for something else. I lost my train of thought.

Why can't I enjoy anything? Because I feel guilty about every single thing I have. I cant help it. I try not to think about it, but that seems like no use. Everything i do feels like a chore, I dunno how much more I can sustain. I feel so lazy, yet i dont do anything about it, except mope, like I'm doing right now. I'll just tell people what they want to hear, I dont know what my opinions are on anything, i just agree with people so i dont have to spend energy chatting more. what. the. fuck.

I really want something drastic to happen so i can just forget the way my life is right now, and everything to change.
I kinda think if I just moved away somewhere for awhile, I'd feel so much better. I dunno if its the area where I live, or people in general; i just wanna get away. I remember that really small town up in Trinidad, california was one of my favorite places visited. Someplace like that would be cool. It was a summer vacation and it was this small set of condos, right on the ocean. But not like that beachy, sandy-ocean setting. It was kinda rocky everywhere, kinda like monteray. It was always drizzling, and the lady who was renting the place to us had tons of cats. haha that was fun. I guess she was really into japanese culture cause the place had nothing but sliding doors, mats, japanese rice candies hiding all over the place, and really cool furniture T_T
The weather was cool, the place was quiet, it was right next to all those redwood forests in northern california-really pretty. It just felt pretty good.

then again i also like big cities, you just feel more alive in that kind of atmostphere. You're around mobs of people, but they're so busy with their own shit that they dont care who you are or what you're doing.

Or rather, I'd really love to go to England. Even if its not that great, the mental image i've built up of the place is enough to satisfy me no matter how it was there. Which is kinda dumb.
What about japan..i wish i was taking J4 this year, but at the same time i'm glad i didn't cause i just couldn't put up with another year in that class. Too bad though, japanese was actually a subject I enjoyed, though i didn't really feel like i could speak it, i did okay enough in it. History and japanese are the two subjects i could put up with and sorta enjoy. Too bad I'm missing a year of that language and i think i've forgotten everything.
I'm ranting and getting myself sidetracked.

My sister called me today too, which is nice. I wonder what she thinks of me sometimes. Cause she always is open to talk to me now. Well, not like she wasn't before. But meh, it was just the other way around when she was in highschool. Anywho, i envy her so much, she seems really happy. She's studying for a semester in Amsterdam, for the hell of it. Sometimes I just wish i could be like her, and i seem to hate he for that. Again, I just dont understand myself.

My parents made reservations at this fancy place in LA, and got tickets to a play. Why? I didn't want to be there, i didn't want to do that. Why spend the money. I acted miserable the entire time i was there. Cause i was. I wanted to hang out with B tonight. Aimee and Amber are in san diego, amber's getting a tatoo. I'm happy they called me. I really was up for spending today with my friends though, and it just didn't happen. I just wanted to have fun today.

me me me me, i i i, whatever. this is my place to say what i want. Like, ..i have to start giving rides home to elizabeth from school again.
I hate doing it, but i do it anyway.
Story of my life.
Nothing more to say, i'm really tired.

then amber called, she came over, we went out to rent some movies, get a starbucks, and go home to watch one of the strangest Japanese foreign films I've seen to date: Happiness of the Katakuris.
And amber is awesome, I'm glad i got to talk to her (even though i kinda kicked her out of my house cause i got sleepy) she has one of the most adult and mature minds/way of thinking i know. most of the time ;p

p.s: online forums are the most retarded things ever.

so i had to go see the new psychologist/doctor person guy...whatever today.
Those things make me feel like shit.
I'm suprised those alone aren't my motivation to get myself to start doing better in the stuff i do. My mom was trying to get me to sign up for some kind of extra curricular class/activity..ughh. I'll have to get myself running a mile everynight so they stay off my back about that..
This doctor was kinda weird, not like Dr. Morag. He was probably in his 40's, tall thin and goofy. He kinda interrupted me and kept asking random questions when i was in the middle of stuff, i dunno i kinda liked that. But overall, i feel shitty.. I'll go for anything that will make me feel better though, really. Counceling isn't working, I dont like talking about myself, I cant answer their questions right, if they make me feel uncomfortable over a topic i might even start lying (without realizing it in some cases). soooo..ya... i'll be starting some meds. 10mg a day of Celexa (?). Hell i've got nothing to lose, i dont see how i can feel any worse sometimes, so ya. If its going to make me feel better, i'm for it. Though i'm a bit worried about how this stuff will 'affect' me. Where are my happy pills.

Its so embarrassing when they make you cry, my mom was right there too, for no fcking reason either. what the hell is going on and why am i doing this. Well this is gonna do something to my brain chemicals so regardless of what i want: prepare for change! and yes, change is good--especially in my situation.

Another thing i got goin, dropped physiology. I've been missing way too much school. I think this will help. Office aiding 1st period, so i can just go to school in the morning and relax/study/get hw done...this is right up my ally. It makes me feel better.

Only got 2 required courses I gotta consentrate on passing. No more of this struggling crap i'm ready to start doing better, and get out of here.

I wanted to take advantage of my loss of appetite, i feel there's nothing bad about losing wieght.. you look better when you're thinner, feel better about yourself when you look better, doesn't that all work as a plus?

I'm tired of thinking right now...

Havn't seen any movies lately, nor seen Amber, B or Aimee. I still havnt' gotten them their bday gifts..lol i suck.
Tired of people talking about the election, its over with, some are happy some aren't, your opinion doesn't change the situation, so shut up about it.

uhmmm, ya.

btw my new comp is totally sexy, and could probably run Jesus.