liukin

This is the journal of

ALYSSA LIUKIN

Jan 20, 2003

Could today have been any worse? Oh my god, I thought the Sir Dan waqs going to eat me. Really, I tried so hard, I just had a bad day. I cried after the workout. I'll be damned if he or the other girls ever see me cry. I thought I was actually doing better than yesterday but I guess not. Let's forget about that. There's a bigger drama at the moment - MY ROOMIE IS LEAVING!!!! How can I take this? I don't know what to do, we get along so well. Will someone replace her? EEk. I've gotten wuite attatched to my Sammie, but I suppose if she's injured, then she sohuld do what's best for her. But what about me? Just kidding. I respect her for taking hte time off rather than killing herslef by trying to continue. I just gotta yuck up the last few days with her I suppose. We have the linkin Park concert tonight!! woohoo, that is going ot be sooo much fun. I really cna't wait. Best part of it all is that I get to hang out wiht my boys. *Sigh* At Topo now, I hardly ever see them. they miss mE! an dI miss them. Oh well, I will just have to work for making time for them. eek, I gotta go do my private lessons early so I can get ready for the concert. EEEE!!!

January 19

Hey - I noticed Sammie had a copy of The Importance of being Earnest wiht her - ah! I can tell already that she has great taste. I'm a little worried about her though - she seems more distant than usual, like she doesn't want to hang out with me or something. I guess it's just hard to get used to not being around each other during training as much - it's lik ewe have less to say to each other. I'm really getting close with Kayla - she's so funny. And Crystal - poor thing, I can totally relate to how she feels every day now. Can I say that today was the worst day of my life. I wasn't landing anything, I could control anything - and I was really trying. I guess my head wasn't in it, but I couldn't take the yelling. The screaming. I know it's good for me because I'm so scared of making a mistake tomorow that I'm doing extra conditioning right now and form drills. And I plan to get up early tomorw to do some more. I cried so much today, which is something that I hate. I don't cry, not in gym, but it really was an awful day. I feel like some of the younger tigers look up to me, and I let them down today. that's not something I like to feel. At all. I think that have a couple fabulous weeks caught up with me - the euphoira couldn't last long, and it all came crashing down at the meet. The meet - oh god.

This is one of the bigger disappointments of my gym career. I don't think I've ever done worse!!! But I didn't cry then, so it was ok. Topo girls swept the medals though, so I was really excited cheering on my winning teammates. I can't help feeling sad about my results though. I'm such a failurre - I knew my rankings couldn't last long. I've slipped down to 5th - my bad days and bars are sneaking up on me. I don't know what to do - I think I'm blowing it out of proportion. It's just gym, and it's an unpreditcable thing. I could be on top in a few days, it's that unsteady. But it's my life, it's everything ot me. I hate failing.

not in school, failing seems to be a major hobby for me. I'm definitely retaking this math course, it's over. I'm giving up, because I have to take it next year anyway. It's required for graduation. atleast next year it'll be the second time I heard it all, so it'll be easier for me. Science is ok, but that's only because I'm in remedial. I feel like the idot of Topo - most girls here are perfectionist A+ students. I'm such the village idiot. Oh well, I don't really care. Linkin Park tomorow night. I almost don't want to go now, becaus eI need the time in the gym. More reps, more consistancy - there's another meet comeing up and for some reason, the coaches are taking another chance on me. I feel so grateful, but at the same time there's more pressure not to let them down, or else I'll probably never get invited to another meet. I'm so nervous, I'm doing nothing but visualization. I need to sleep now and be refreshed for gym tomorow.

January 17?

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this... I just need to keep chanting to myself over and over. I can! I can! Wish me luck...

January 16

Wow. The squad rivalry is getting pretty intense. Basically, some girls from Lilly - not all, but some, are getting overly sensitive. Each squad has a different personality, and ours is extra tough, and it's becasue our coach is tough. and yeah, the coaches joke around with each other, and they understand that it's not meant to offend. No one even said anything remotely insulting to anyone - it was all positive about ourselves, and never directed in a mean way toward anyone. GRRRR. We are all one team, one topopolilly team, and we should have fun together! We should be able to tease each other and have fun with it. And me and other Tigers saying that we are tough doesn't mean that other people AREN'T tough. It's not meant to harm anyone, there isn't anything wrong with knowing your strengths and having conifdence. Oh well. Too tired for this!

January 15

Texas Flyers team is going ot be announced tonight. I will stop thinking now!!! lol. I did my presentation the other day. Ugh. total nightmare. I'm think I'm failing English. And math, and bio.... the list goes on. I MUST PASS. I got up there and my teacher was like "explain the signifance of the nationalities in The Sun also rises". what is THAT about? I thought I was allowed to PREPARE my presentation. Not that I did much, but I still had planned to talk about thing sI new, and she asked me a question right off the bat! And a STUPID Question at that. I didn't know the answer, but I mumbled feebly "They were ex patriots?" And I was shot down miserably. good greif. I think my teacher really is the spawn of Satan. Oh well, I fail school, I don't like it anyway, and it takes time away from training. GAHHHH.

January 14

Whoo, tough day of training. I could help but look longingly toward other squads who were laughing and joking around. No laughing on my side of the camp. Brink is tough nut to crack, but I think we can do it. He's a great coach, I really am getting better, but I think he's still going soft on us for conditioning. Just in case, I still do extra every morning so when he throws more at us, I'll be prepared. Poor Crystal, I wish there was soething I could do to make her feel better - she's so terrified of Dan! There's a point where to much fiercity makes it impossible to train, and I think she needs to rebel to him a little bit. I almost think that's what he's looking for. Unitl then, she won't get better because she's in fear, and if she just switches out, she won't get better either becuse she'll be lacking the mental toughness to deal with the situation. I'm not saying that other coaches aren't tough, but the whole idea of running away from something will kinda break her down. She's a great gymnast an dI would hate to see that happen. There's a buzz starting about who'll be chosen for the Texas Flyers. Based on rankings I have a good shot to go, but I don't want to get too hopeful and jinx it. Here's to hoping!

January 13

I love how we work with squads so closely. The Tigers are short one person, but I think we're going to be the most consistant and prepared sqaud, so it shouldn't affect us badly. The other girls seem so afraid of Dan, it's so strange. I guess it's because I'm older that I just find him helpful, and at times, amusing when he yells. I hope they come to understand, I hate it when they cry! My workout today was really great, although I am soooo tired. I really am! Dan is tough tough tough! I coudl barely walk down the stairs this evening I was so sore. I guess that means extra stretching for me. It looks like I'll definitely be going to the Texas Flyers meet, that's so exciting. I can't wait! Topopolilly sure will be the dominant force - there's so many talented girls! I'm still ranked third, which I'm really happy about. I wrote that stupid paper last night and handed it in today - bah. I have to start working on the presentation portion, because I go tomorow - eek! School is school! I was talking ot Tony today in math, and I really think I'm starting to like him. He's doing Drama and wants me to try out, but I don't have time, which is really sad. That would be really fun! But he's taking me out to dinner sometime this week, so that's kinda like a date. I think. We watched clerks together last night. That was kinda a date? I dunno, I think he sees me as a little kid because I'm small and he's a big guy. Not fat, just built. Oh well, I have to stop thinking about that and focus on training!

January 12

Sir Dan didn't find out about me going out last night - I guess the fun is over though, it made me so nervous that he'd think I was unserious - no more parties! Except for Linkin Park - after that, I am done! Totally dry and focused - oooh but that's no fun and it's not me! We'll see if he ever notices... either no one ratted on me, or he didn't care as long as it didn't affect my gymn... hopefully the latter, because if I'm unhappy it affects gymn, so really, it's better if I go out... I sure can talk myself in circles to my desired outcome! But I relly am beat, he worked us so hard, I'm going to sleep like a rock, right through Sammie's music. :) I'm still ranked third, but I think it's only because I work my ass off in the gymn. Talent-wise, I'm severely lacking. That's why I have to stay one step ahead. The geinger's got to go. It's holding me back!!! All of bars is, ugh. I've got good tricks though and I really want to be splahsy on all 4 events, never water down! I think I'd rather fall attempting something great than to hold back and play it safe, and never have the chance to BE great, not even by chance. There's alot less talking in the gym with Dan, which suits me just fine. I'm not big on speaking much while training, I really just like to get the job done, focused and working as hard as possible. Is that a bad thing? Is that antisocial? If it is, that's a little intensity to add to my image for my music career! Oh yeah... coudl I pull it off? NO WAY. hehe. I gotta crash, I'm beat.

January 11

Another day with Sir Dan! He's great, really, I love it. But then again I'm a gymn rat, sammie knows, we always get up early so we can get there first to loosen up and get a few more reps in before everyone gets there. She hates it, and me too probably, hehe. Nah, she loves it. And she'll love me more when I show her the 14 year old I believe she is destined for. I got a song recorded today, rhythm, lead, vocals, and drums and all. Sweet!!!! Life is good at the moment, I am currently ranked third (hold you appluase). Me and Kay have the best time in the gym together, I'm so glad we are on the same squad, and the girls on my squad? the best! They get a little perturbed with all the conditioning and yelling from Dan, but they'll come araound to it. Hey, he wouldn't yell if he didn't care, right? We'll just keep telling our selves that... hey at least we get food and he doesn't beat us! ok, so he's tough and I'm scared... haha. Wimper? No, never. We Shall Fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the land, and we shall never surrender! Ok enough Churchill for me. So I'm finally tired from over a week of training, and I need to crash. I've gone batty, look at my entry for today, does it make ANY sense, and grooooooan... I have to write that paper tomorw, I haven't even started, ugh. And really, Sir Dan is gonna kick my ass because he's probably goig to find out that I went out tonight to play pool till.... now... ugh, ha. It's friday night!!! Oh vell...

January 10

I was just kidding, the concert is the 20th. cute? oh well. I'm so excited though, Sammie, Kayla, and Ashley are all going! It'll be so much fun. The slumber party was great, Alana's dance tape was, well, her partner is SOO HOT. I can't wait to go see him in person. I'm a tiger! Grrr, watch out for Tiger squad! Lol. I'm training with Kayla, it's so much fun! Life is grand. Sammie was especially hard to wake up after the intrasquad and slumber party.. hehe. I'm sure she appreciates me. So I read a book about hemingway today and I managed to fail a math test. Now THAT's productive. School is such a waste. Oh well, I'll live. The paper is due next monday... ummmm... Sunday is a good time to write it... if something else doesn't come up first! HA! I acutally caught release moves in bars today, that's a good day. Oh yeah. I Think I only fell twice, aren't you proud? hehe. But I digress... I started upgrading today, and downgrading. I'm keeping beam the same, upgrading vault and floor. OK so floor I'm just laying out the punch front off the double pike, and keeping the sheep jump for flair. Oh yeah, smokin' baby. Bars, I might get rid of the geinger, which screws up my bonus connection to the pak full. I have to go to private lessons now.

January 9

Ok, I'm floating on a cloud - 6th place at the intrasquad baby! I'll enjoy it while it lasts, I know the others will pass me by. I'm not at that caliber, I just don't ever stop training. Once the other girls get back into shape I'll plummet to the bottom of the rankings like a stone. Goodbye Glory days... Ok, so the plans for Linkin Park are set. Tony (hot Tony, sigh) is getting the tickets for us and the concert is on the 17th, si it'll be the day after a meet - what a way to unwind! Hehe. Tony wants to come visit me, but I don't know if boys are allowed in girls dorms. I mean, I'm not usually one for the rules, but I don't ever want to mess up gym. EVER. It's what I wake up for. If I got injured I think I'd go insane. I could be in a full body cast and I'd find something to condition. But the thing with injuries is LET THEM HEAL. OR else you screw your body up permanently, why do that for a few hours training, really? The long run is more important. However, I coudl die tomorow, so I'm not a very cautious person. Oh such a contradiction I am! Oh well. I must go train... must do well at next intrasquad and hope that I don't get left mercilessly behind inthe rankings!

January 8

Premeet Jitters: AUGH!!!!! No WAY can I do this - I haven't competed since last year's Moscow stars, and my score didn't count. I mean, I did compete if you count GymJam or Beam and Bar Masters (I don't). Ok so, I'm NOT going to fall off bars, I'm going to EXPLODE on vault, I will POWER through my rudi to double pike, keep control on my twists, LAND my triple off beam, CONNECT my mount series, and do it the Russian way - don't play it safe!!! If you aren't willing to risk it, then YOU DON'T WANT IT BAD ENOUGH!!! OH yeah, I am SO READY. Except the whole shaking thing. I swear, Sammie was ready to kill me this morning - up at 5, just jitters. I went to bed super early last night because I was nervous and wanted to get the best amount of sleep. Bed by 10, up by 5. all I did was go over my routines in my head, milling back and forth doing visualizations. I was kinda noisy. Oops! :) She loves have having an early bird room mate. I know she must! I'm excited for the slumber party tonight, I can't wait to see Alana's dance partener... I mean Alana! Jk, Lana will be fabulous! And I can't wait to see her dance, she's fabulous. Ok, so I'm draggin Sammie on a date with a boy from school. He's wicked hot and he's 14 - perfect age for her. He plays guitar and is pierced liek crazy. And he's rpetty built. Hope she like's tattoos.... ;) Me? I'll be chillin with Joe, Nick "Freek", and Tony. **My Boys** I do hope that Ash and Kayla come. I invited Madison, but she never wrote back yet. One really good part about today is that I don't have to go to school because of the meet. So I should be doing reserach... but I'm not! I just hate doing work when it's assigned to me. Please, on my own time, thanks. I guess I'm just not into school. Or math. Or sicence. ok, or any of it except english. Even then I get in trouble because my writing usually ends up being satyrical and the teachers don't like that. I just don't like to anaylyze stuff too much - I'd rather enjoy reading. Ah well, while I fail writing assignments, I still have my column for the paper! It's time to go work out now, so I'll be off!

January 7

Good evening! Did oyu know that I hate school? OK, so I acutally LOVE going to school, but the schoolwork is something that I can definitely live without. Stupid Pop quiz in spanish today, oh I failed. bigtime. But really? I don't care. I sad I was going to college, but I say, screw it. I think I'll accept prize money. I'll figure out what to do with my life when I'm finished with Topo. I could coach, be a secretary... I dunno. Whatever. SHEESH I'm ONLY A JUNIOR. Forget everything. Time to have fun!!! I love being at school because I love seeing my freinds, and I love dances, and football and basketball games (not that I get to go to much). Since we did the premeet workout today I get to go see a basketball game. I think it would be so much fun to be a cheerleader but training doesn't really leave that as an option. Oh well, I'm going in some loose clothes, so sometimesthey let me do some tumbling during time outs *my moment to shine*. Lol. And the guys usually throw me around, so I guess that's as close as I'll ever get! God, for a punk/metal girl, I'm awfully perky. Hey, you can be smart and happy at the same time. And don't scoff, I am smart. I read all the time. It's just, we don't ever read the Cheese Monkey's or Slaughter House 5 in school too much. I should have done Chip Kidd as my author, but for some odd reason I picked Hemingway... that's due in two weeks... or wait is it next week? Ooops I forget. Whatever, I've got more important thigns happening -training of course, that's number one - and making a demo! I can do it! hehe, wish me luck.

January 6

Worksouts have been..... the same. Sammie's upset and I'm not really sure why :( but I aim to cheer her up! I'm developing more consistancy here at Topo, something that I never really worked on so much. I was always trained to just get stronger, fly higher, be tighter, more twists, more flips - The Russian way! The consistancy is good, but it has kinda taken away from the fire I had for every move. Just doing them over and over and over takes some of the excitement away, and I can feel it. This presents a good challange though - maintain the adreniline, the power, the explosion WITH consistancy. Sometimes I'm really homesick for Siberia, but then I remeber the weather! But I love snow. Snowmobiling is so much fun. I miss my freinds and my grandmother! But here, I'm very happy and I get to compete, and my parents have alot more opportunity to make a living have a comfortable lifestyle. My dad teaches Russian at the University of Indiana and my mom teaches piano lessons from the home. Their thinking of investing in some real estate, so we shall see how it goes! I must be off to see how Sammie is!

January 5

I've put off writing about the SAT's. Acutally I'mve put off THINKING about them. THEY SUCKED. It was the worst experience of my life, but going to gym right after made me feel so much better. The silent run did not though. It was no fun by myself. We ran silently today though as a group, which sucked even more! But the SAts... Um, I didn't get to complete even one section. Thank god I'm recruting, because lord knows that my brain won't get me into college. Once I get there, I'm taking the easiest courses I can to satisfy requirements, and all I need is to pass! I'm not sure if I want to major in music or Health and Excersize Sciences. I have a long time to think about it, but really the only reason I'm eben going to college is for the competing experience and the party scene! woot woot! Ah, but school? No way if I ever sell a CD. Hey that's what I'll do instead of college! Take my prize winnings that I can start accepting if I nix the college idea and move to New York to launch my music career. I know some hot guys who can play instruments and my roomie Sam is a mean guitarist with wicked taste in music. I've started to arrange some of my songs for two guitars, and really I can't wait to play together. Eee! After training (I will not discuss bars) I went to the new Music store and this guy started talking to me after hearing me try out some of the guitars. Not that I was looking to buy or anything because that takes momey, but I still like to dream of gibsons, taylors, and martins... droool.. any way the guy was hot but he seemed kinda sketch. I gave him my cell number so he can't try to find my room! He hasn't called yet, but he said he played bass and wanted to jam sometime. I hope he's not a weirdo and that he's good at bass, because he's REALLY hot. My dad called today -ahhh, it was so great to speak in Russian again, I got really used to it when I went home for Christmas. These past few days I've been dying without it. Being bi lingual is strange because I think in both languages, and I get my self confused! Lol. Must concentrate on english! Speaking! lol. Hey hey, I hear my celly ringing! Maybe it's hot music store guy! oh yeah...

January 4

KAYLA'S HERE!!!! Ok, so I'm excited? This year has just gotten better and better. My roomie Sammie is awesome (and I dated her HOT cousin!). We're the room with the cool music, if anyone's interested! Come on, who can't resist a little System of a Down? You know it'll be the party room! I'm really psyched about the ski trip - even if I have to drive. I'm no stranger to the slopes, but I still fall down tons. Sometimes, I think that's more fun than being successfull! Today was Saturday - no school, so awesome. Sammie didn't have to hear me whine today, she was pretty pleased about that! Lol. It's a good thing that I'm always pumped in the morning, because Sammie sleeps liek a rock. I had to jump on her bed to wake her up. Somehow I'm going to turn her into a morning person. Or maybe I'll get creative in how she wakes up.. hehehe... ok was that too evil? :) So I died my hair... pink...just the tips though, it's wicked cute. Ah, the fun. I was told today at the mall that my pants were too baggy by some snotty girl who was like, 8 feet tall. You try finding pants when your 4 ft 10, ok? Grr, I had like, twice her muscle, I could have taken her! Lol. I'm just really glad I like the baggy pants look - If I wasn't a skater, I'd be miserable trying to find clothes. Any way I'm pooped (ok I lie, it's saturday night and I'm GOING OUT!) so I'll be going now! Ciao!

January 3

Day three of the new year and of training! What to talk about? Oh, I know - the AWESOME girls at Topo. What can I say, they are sooo much fun. Everyone is so welcoming - even though I'm a little overbearing sometimes. Hey, if they can take my exuberance, they must be the nicest people I've ever met. We joked around so much during the run that I even forgot we were running! Coach would have gotten mad, but we were running so well and were so silly that she just laughed. **Good times** I felt a little lonely yesterday (which was really good for my work ethic) but not today. I think my roomie starting to get a little annoyed by my guitar playing. Oops. :) Ah, she'll learn how to drown it out soon - I hope! I'm back at school... groan... Already I have to do a research project... WHY did I choose Hemingway? What was the point of the Sun also rises, anyway? Does any one really care about the Hemingway Code hero? Honestly, think about it- has it affected anyone you know? NO. Teach me something I can use, please. Good part about this though is that I get to do a presentation as 50% of my grade. At least I'm not totally dependent on my writing - and I LOVE getting up in front of the class. What can I say, I may not be smart but I'm a natural performer! I take my SAT's this weekend. Tomorow acutally. Will I study! NO! Ha. OK, time for dinner with the BEST GIRLS EVER. I really feel like I'm at the Top 'o the world right now!

January 2

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Ok, enough nonsense, back to training! I can't believe I'm here at Topopolilly. After being at Kimball for so long, I thought I'd never get here, but I'm so glad to be here now. I will miss Kayla something fierce though :( She was my training partner and one of my best friends. I hope she's doing well in cheerleading though! Ok, so what have I been up to? Training at Kimball of Course! It's actaully better by myself though - I don't get distraced if there's no one to distract me! ha! New Years Eve was a BLAST! I hung out with my guy friends from school and had an AWESOME time. Ok, so I'm a little excited. But I haven't really partied in a while, so it was rather exciting for me! I got cool recording equipment for my laptop, so I will be making a CD! I've written a bunch of new songs so I've got plenty to do. Training? Do I really have to talk aboit it? JK. I Love it! PLus it helps me beat the boys in ultimate frisbee. I probably shouldn't write that because coach wouldn't like it too much! Well at least they know now that my bruises aren't from my room mate beating me or anything, haha. I've got to go, I'm a busy chica!