I noticed the MST3K ACE Guide additions on the SFC MST3K web page had no MST3K Monster! segment that was in the guide. So I kind of wrote up a all the monster profiles you need for season 8. Enjoy!

704: The Incredible Melting Man

The Incredible Melting Man

Kingdom: Homo Slimey-ens

Genus: Latex

Species: Dough boy

AKA: Peel-and-eat-man

Special Abilities: Uhm, melting

Weakness: Once he's melted, well, what's the problem?

Note: Am I the only one who doesn't get it? What's so scary about a melting man?

801: Revenge of the Creature

Creature of the Black Lagoon

Kingdom: Classic monster

Genus: Guys in rubber suits

Species: Underpaid SCUBA diver

AKA: 'The Creech', Vince Gill-man

Special Abilities: Snapping alligators in half, Throwing guys suspended from pulleys into rubber trees.

Weakness: Electric flagpoles, ball-on-a-stick, the ladies (if you know what I mean, heh-heh.)

Notes: Oh, how the mighty hath fallen...

802: The Leech Woman

Leech Woman

Kingdom: Beverly Hills

Genus: Hillbilly

Species: Souse

AKA: Granny

Special Abilities: Can find pineal glands or booze at will.

Weakness: Booze, growing old, the wrong kind of man, jealous fiancees.

Notes: Now you know, only seek marriage counselling from licensed African tribes.

803: The Mole People

The Mole-men

Kingdom: Classic monster

Genus: Guys in rubber suits

Species: Day player

AKA: Gerry and Sylvia

Special Abilities: Digging through coffee without getting a caffine buzz.

Weakness: Pale guys in dresses with whips. ('nuff said!)

Notes: The moles were slaves, which is a bad thing, but what exactly were they slaving away at?

804: The Deadly Mantis

The Mantis

Kingdom: Non-Nuclear

Genus: Giant thing

Species: Giant bug

AKA: The Grinch

Special Abilities: Wrecking stuff, being a general nuissance (like my 3-year-old cousin)

Weakness: Tunnels, Ortho brand pesticides.

Notes: It's giant, but NOT radioactive, how novel!

805: Thing that Wouldn't Die

The Englishman

Kingdom: The undead

Genus: European

Species: Explorer-turned-monster

AKA: Shorty, Stan in the Pan

Special Abilities: Hypnotism, exploring, being evil.

Weakness: Handmade jewelry, hat boxes, Mike.

Notes: Why did Sir Francis Drake bring this guy? Was there some evil guy quota for his crew? Is that why he also just happened to have the amulet and the preist guy? What about Scarecrow's brain?

806: The Undead

Satan

Kingdom: Hell

Genus: Miscast supporting character

Species: Community theater actor

AKA: Pitch, Satan Pan.

Special Abilities: Snappy dresser, show tunes.

Weakness: Some people just can't look evil.

Notes: "This guy is like Satan... from Hell!"

Imp

Kingdom: Also from Hell, I reckon.

Genus: Type cast actors

Species: Dwarf

AKA: Billy Barty

Special Abilities: Spinning, turning into stuff, enthusiasm!

Weakness: Hyperactivity

Notes: Like Satan, he really tried, but like most Corman movies it just didn't work out.

807: Terror from the Year 5000

Terror from the Year 5000

Kingdom: Time travellers

Genus: Monster

Species: Harbingers of destruction

AKA: Best Dressed Nurse - 1957

Special Abilities: Stealing faces, screeching, hypnotism

Weakness: Trying to look terrifing, but coming off as goofy.

Notes: If you were to have a fight between all the hypnotists from season eight, who would win?

808: The She Creature

The She Creature

Kingdom: Figments of the imagination

Genus: Guys in rubber suits

Species: Fish creatures

AKA: Bertha

Special Abilities: Killing stuff, lumbering.

Weakness: Rex the Dog.

Notes: Some monsters attack for no good reason, but there is a second type of monster: the love-lorn monsters. Monsters like the Creature of the Black Lagoon and King Kong seem to be driven not by destruction, but the persuit of an active social life. The only thing that seems to stop them are jealous boyfriends. I await the day when monsters can hate freely.

809: I was a Teenage Werewolf

Michael Landon

Kingdom: The not-so-supernatural

Genus: Canine

Species: Teenager

AKA: Little Joe

Special Abilities: Milk tossing, keeping a girlfriend despite being a jerk, getting away with really old practical jokes.

Weakness: 50's detectives, controlling hypnotists, being touched, that horrible cross between Donny Most and Billy Barty that sang at the party.

Notes: Michael Landon was a great actor because of this movie. I think the main reason he strived to get the best parts and be the best actor he could be was to erase the foul stain of this movie from his record, but alas, to no avail. We love you anyway Michael.

810: The Giant Spider Invasion

The Giant Spider Invasion

Kingdom: Giant Thing

Genus: Giant Puppet

Species: Arachno-van

AKA: Spider-buggy

Special Abilities: Drooling, good gas milage, pipe cleaning, devouring people with it's rear end.

Weakness: The so-called "neutron bomb", 8th grade science teachers.

Note: Once again, a case of the monsters being the most likeable characters in the movie.

811: Parts: The Clonus Horror

I don't think being a puffy clone qualifies you for monsterhood.

812:Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

The Mixed-Up Zombies

Kingdom: Wuss

Genus: Day players

Species: Gullible friends of the director.

AKA: The Indigo Girls

Special Abilities: Killing, groaning.

Weakness: Complete and total wussiness, Madison could've taken these zombies, I must say.

Notes: Not to make too fine a point of it, but isn't the point of being a zombie mean being really hard to kill? Because they're dead already you see... >sigh!< It's like 'Giant Spider Invasion' or 'Terror from the Year 5000' the title monster didn't show up until the end of the movie!

813: Jack Frost

The Witch

Kingdom: Finland

Genus: Community theater player

Species: Standard issue witch

AKA: Miss Siberia, 1969

Special Abilities: Dancing a jig, one helluva Finnish cook (in that she cooks Finnish people)

Weakness: Total lack of subtlety, uglier than Tom Petty in the morning.

Notes: What about them teeth? Good old fashioned nightmare fuel.

Tree Monsters

Kingdom: Guys in suits

Genus: Day players

Species: Self-delivering lumber

AKA: James Woods

Special Abilities: Coming to life, isn't that enough?

Weakness: Easy to beat

Notes: Birch, birch, birch!

Father Mushroom

Kingdom: Fun-guys (get it? hahahahahaha!)

Genus: Hallucinations

Species: 80 year old children

AKA: Jerry Garcia

Special Abilities: Hide-n-seek, making people freak out

Weakness: Try to find a 'supreme' microwave pizza without mushrooms (and if you do, let me know)

Notes: I think granpa fell down the stairs and hit his head again.

815: Agent from H.A.R.M

Adam Chance

Kingdom: Spy

Genus: In training

Species: Greasy guys

AKA: Dr. Smith, Mr. Rogers

Special Abilities: Specializes in assignments that require very little actual work.

Weakness: Just look at him!

Notes: People who thought this was deep hurting never saw Secret Agent Superdragon or Danger! Death Ray!! Those were bad, this was just pathetic.

James Bond: Nuclear weapons, death satellites, laser weapons.

Adam Chance: Spore gun.

I think that just about says it all about Adam Chance.

816: Prince of Space

Krankor

Kingdom: Animal

Genus: Homo

Species: Aliens

AKA: Loser

Special Powers: Exhibitionism, Goofiness in the extreme

Weakness: Everything

Notes: Ha Ha Ha!

Guardian

Kingdom: Big and Tall Man Monster

Genus: Homo

Species: Androgenus

AKA: Ross Perot, Pat, Fred Sanford

Special Powers: Belching, A movin'-and-a-groovin'

Weakness: Everything else

Notes: That padding may have been goofy, but at least it spared us at least one buffalo shot.

817: The Horror of Party Beach

No Official Name Given

Kingdom: Irradiated, but NOT giant. Peculiar...

Genus: Fishman

Species: Papier Mache

AKA: Cookie Monster

Special Powers: Nothing really, finger painting, I suppose.

Weakness: Sodium (AKA:Salt) That's right, salt, one of earth's most common elements. Think about that next time you watch Horror of Party Beach. [Sodium metal is not salt. But we all knew that. - ed]

Notes: This, the Del Aires, the dubbed woman, three small examples of how the makers of the movie just didn't care!

818: Devil Doll

Hugo

Kingdom: Puppet (or Costume?)*

Class: Vegtable

Genus: 'Vent' figure

Species: Overused plot device

AKA: Alfred E. Neuman

Special Powers: Can walk all by himself. (He's getting so big.) Enunciation.

Weakness: Ham, Wine, Kinda sluggish for a little guy.

Note:*Is Hugo a costume or a puppet?

(See Star Force: Fugitive Alien 2 [318] for Crow and Servo's debate on the nature of puppetry.) What do you think, people?

819: Invasion of the Neptune Men

Neptune Men

Kingdom: Neptune (or Japan's romanticized ideal of Neptune)

Genus: Robot

Species: Tin-foil sapiens

AKA: Bullethead

Special Powers: None. Absolutely no discernable powers whatsoever.

Weakness: Everything. These guys rank lower on the Robotic food chain than Daleks, Cylons and the girl from 'Small Wonder', but more sophisticated than ED-209.

Notes: How did these guys ever get into space?

Space Chief

Kingdom: Animal

Class: Homo

Genus: Sapiens

Species: Chicken-headed whisper-thin bachelors

AKA: Space Chef, Racer X, 'Twila'

Special Powers: Prancing about, catching naps.

Weakness: Everything but Neptune Men.

Notes: This guy breaks two established precidents for the Japanese 'Children's Super-Hero' archtype:

1. Space Chief had no secret identity, he was not the thin bachelor scientist as some may have been led to believe, because he was fixing the rockets while Space Chief was in the middle of the lenghty air-war scene.
2. Space Chief did not do anything to directly save the people of Japan, he just kind of helped out once-in-a-while while the scientists worked frantically to save Japan.

What a loser.

There you go kids, I hope you enjoy. I'm no Trace Beaulieu but I think it's pretty good. Whaddya think, Sirs?

Thanks BARTFARGOBARTFARGOBARTFARGO!

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