Grand Maestro Julia steps up onto the podium in the orchestra pit. She can hear the murmur of voices from the audience in the sold-out theater. She glances at her watch, then raises her conductor’s baton. After pausing, she lowers her arm in a dramatic arch to start the show. Nothing happens.

Grand Maestro Julia: “Ahem!”

The orchestra members are startled awake. One drops a cymbal. It crashes on the floor, making lots of noise. Grand Maestro Julia sighs.

Grand Maestro Julia: “When you are ready.”

The orchestra quickly arranges itself. They watch as Julia once again raises her baton. It falls, the first chord of the musical resounds through the theater, and the crowd jumps. It’s a loud opening chord.

A man walks out from stage left in front of the curtain, a spotlight on him. He looks suspiciously like an older Brad Pitt in a mailman costume.

Mr. Packard: I am just Mr. Packard. A simple mailman. But as a postal worker, I see things that others don’t get to see. Especially around a specific group of people. They call themselves the Tri-Leaders. They are Roses, Ann Chovi, and Roseidous, and they are planning to take over the world one day. They are also training three Junior Tri-Leaders, Holli, Tails, and Tyrael, to be evil like them. They plan to take over with the help of their many associates and their weapons. They will use special, chemically enhanced Oreos and milk. Anyone who defies them will end up as slaves in the coal mines. But there are some who resist. Others who wish to take over the world, too. One in particular, John, Lord of Darkness (dum dumm duummm!!!). He, along with his lackeys, strives to defeat the Tri-Leaders and leave the world open for himself to control. Yet, there is another person involved. A young girl named Katherine. Whose side is she on? What is she trying to do? Only time will tell.

This musical is their latest encounter. It all goes back to when Roses and Roseidous got married. John tried to stop the wedding, but was not successful. While on their honeymoon, Roses, Roseidous, and the rest of the Tri-Leaders participated in the Newlywed Game Show. There, John attempted to ruin the marriage for the second time. Again, he was not successful, and the Tri-Leaders captured him and forced him to work in the coal mines. That is where he is now. And that is where this story begins.

Mr. Packard walks off, stage right, and…




The Curtain Rises.


Act One, Scene One. The Release of John.


The stage is dark, and appears to be a cave. A coal mine, in fact. A long line of dirty coal miners enters the stage from the left. They are chained together, and carry various types of mining equipment. John, Lord of Darkness, is in the line. They stop mid-stage and begin to work, while singing.

Mine Workers:
Look down, and see,
The cookies at your feet.
Look down, look down,
They're here for you to eat.

Look down, look down,
Don't look him in the eye.
Look down, look down,
From that creepy Vinnie guy.

Vinnie enters from the right and glares at the workers, crossing his arms over his chest.

Billy Jo's over there,
Don't ever stop your work.
Look down, look down,
Vic's punishment will hurt.

Vic shoves a worker in from the left; Billy Jo handcuffs him to the line.

And Al keeps track
Of all the work we do.
Look down, look down,
Stan's cameras are watching you.

Al and Stan appear from the right, talking. Stan is typing on a hand-held computer. Al checks something off on a clipboard.

John: When I get free you won't see me, here for dust!

Mine Workers :
Murry screams every day,
"You have to work for lunch!!"
Look down, look down,
Or suffer Bubba's Bad Touch.

Murry floats in from the left. Bubba follows him. Both are grinning.

Look down, look down,
You'll always be a slave.
Look down, look down
You're standing in your grave.

Roses enters from stage right, followed by Roseidous and Ann Chovi. Holli, Tails, and Tyrael run onstage behind them. Roses is carrying her whip, Ann has a tray of cookies.

Roses : Now bring the prisoners over here!

Ann : Time for lunch, never fear!

Roseidous : You know what that means.

Holli : Yes, it means Oreos.

Tails : Yep! It means you get the really special ones.

Ann : They're good for you.

Tyrael(unhappily) : This is fun!

Holli, Tails : You all must work!

Roses, Ann, Roseidous : You all must work for us!

Roses : We'll take over, we'll rule the world.

Ann : We'll control all.

Roseidous : Everyone will follow us.

Roses : If they don't learn the meaning of the law...

All Tri-Leaders : They'll learn the meaning of all of our laws. As slaves. In the mines.

Ann : 100 years for disobedience.

Roseidous : 100 more if you try to run.

Roses : Yes, we do think it's fair.

Roses, Ann, Roseidous : We are the Tri-Leaders!

Holli, Tails, Tyrael : And we're gonna win!

All Tri-Leaders : Do not forget our names, do not forget us! We shall rule the world.

Mine Workers :
Look down, look down,
You'll always be a slave.
Look down, look down
You're standing in your grave.

The workers pick up their things and march off, stage left, leaving the Tri-Leaders, Junior Tri-Leaders, and Associates.

Roses : Okay, Vinnie, what's the report for the day?

Vinnie (shadily): Coal gathering has increased twenty percent, we got a new shipment of rope in, and Roseidous taped a picture of himself to Sally's face.

Roses : Good, good, and disturbing!

Vinnie : Oh yes, and on another note, we have a complaint about John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuum!).

Ann : Not again!

Holli : It's so annoying the way he keeps getting the other slaves' panties in a bunch.

Tails : Yeah, with all of that "Viva La Resistance! Defy the Tri-Leaders! Fight for your freedom!" stuff.

Roseidous : Why did we arrest him, anyway?

Roses : Don't you remember? The Newlywed Game? He tried to ruin our marriages!

Roseidous : And?

Roses (threateningly): What? Is that not enough of a reason?

Roseidous : Eep!

Holli : What Roser means is, there's also the whole taking over the world thing.

Ann : Well, John wasn't exactly successful at that!

Roses : Cheese and crackers, I'm so sick of him! Things were much better when he was on the outside! At least then he was too busy wrecking his own secret hideout to ruin ours! I'm so mad I could almost kick him out of the mines or something!

All of the Tri-Leaders freeze. Their eyes widen, and they all look at each other.

Roses : Okay, let's do it now!

Ann (crossing to stage left): Let’s go get him, Billy Jo!

The Junior Tri-Leaders exit stage right, and, with the help of some Super Model Clones, roll six podiums (three big, three small) onstage. They also bring a single chair and place it in front of the podiums, facing them.

Roseidous : Are you sure this is a good idea?

Roses : Rosey, trust me, he did less damage when he was far away from us.

Ann enters from stage left, and she, Roses and Roseidous climb up behind the big podiums. Holli, Tails, and Tyrael get behind the small podiums.

Roses : Billy Jo, bring the prisoner forward!

John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuum!) enters stage left. He is escorted by Billy Jo and Vinnie.

Planted Audience Members : Booooo! Hisssssss!

John : Yo! F*** y'all! F*** y'all! Yeah, so's yo momma! So is yo MOMMA! F*** y'all! :

He sits down in chair and slouches.

Roses : John, you're not on Jerry Springer. This is a tribunal.

John : Oh! Sorry.

He sits up.

Roses : Now!

Vinnie :
Tell the Tri-Leaders your story
Let us see if they're impressed
You've been stirring up resistance
You know you really are a pest!

Billy Jo :
And now you expect some kindness
When we've taped you up real tight
Do you think we'll just up and let you go?

Roses :
That is right.
After all he's worked so nicely
And his time here has been rough
(Through clenched teeth to Vinnie and Billy Jo)
And we want him the hell out of here
So he can't ruin our stuff.

So guards you may release him
For his mining days are through
Now go back on to your cave
I hope we've seen the last of you.

But remember this, young John
Don't try and wreck our plans.
In exchange for good behavior
We give you this last chance.

There is no way to defeat us!
There is no way you can win!
So long, Lord of Darkness
Your evil days are fin.

John : Fin?

Roses : Ahem, it's French. Um, boys?

Vinnie and Billy Jo throw John out. He lands near the front of the stage.

Roses: Okay, now who wants to go to town with Ann and me?

Holli and Tails: We do! We do! Take us!

Ann: And Tyrael, I’m sure. Come on, you three.

All Tri-Leaders exit, stage right and left.

John : Ow!

He gets up and dusts himself off.

John: Well, if they wanted to get rid of me, they could have just showed me the door. No need to waste a musical number! But they kicked me out…does that mean…no, no, it couldn't!

He pauses and grabs his head in realization.

John : Sweet Lordy! They don't think I'm a threat anymore!

What have I done?
Please tell me what have I done?
Come up with six billion plans
And have them fail, every one!
Have I fallen so far
And are the Tri-Leaders so strong?
That all that I do will always turn wrong?
To work so hard and then get locked up in jail?
And once again the Tri-Leaders prevail!

If there’s another way to go
I missed it sixteen long years ago!
Is this a war that can never be won?
Will all of history forget about John?
Shall I never be king of the world?
Because I got beat by some girls?

And some guys.

How could I allow those three
To show me how hopeless I am?
They told me all my plans were snoozers
They threw me away, they called me “loser.”
Am I finally redeemed?
Can it be?
When I had come to hate the world
This world that always hated me?

I fail though I try!
I am turned into stone!
This is all I have lived for
This is all I have known!

A word from them, and my behind
Would be hauling coal down in the mines
Instead, they offer me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a… trout.
They said I’d never reach my goals
And now I know
This can’t be how I live my life
I’ll find another way to go.

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
As I stare into the void
Of a war I cannot win.
I’ll escape now from this world
From the world where I’m Lord John
Lord John is nothing now!
The Tri-Leaders have won!



John : Huh. That sucks. Now, which way is the cave? Ah! That way!

He exits stage left. After a few moments, he re-enters.

John : Maybe it was that way!

He exits stage right, then re-enters.

John : Mother of pearl! Son of a gun! Jeepers cripes! Why must the universe work against me?! Why must I be subjected to this mockery! I am destined for greatness! I deserve the best! I-

He trips and falls off stage into orchestra pit (on to mat).

John : Ow!

Grand Maestro Julia : Son of a- John! I told you not to fall into my orchestra pit!

John : Er, yes, sorry Grand Maestro Julia.

He coughs something that sounds like "Music Nazi."

Grand Maestro Julia : What was that?

John : Er, nothing! Oh, what do you know! I remember where the cave is! Bye!

He jumps out of orchestra pit and runs up aisle. Stops in the center.

John : Yeah, laugh now! All of you! But John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuum!) is back, and I'm going to kick your patooties!

He turns to an audience member.

John: Do somethin'!

He runs up the aisle and out the door.



Curtain drops.