Music plays.
Curtain rises.
Act One, Scene Two. The Lackeys.
Cave scenery is set up, as well as John's balsa wood throne, which is on a raised platform. A conference table is at stage right. Dark Shadow is lounging on John's throne, a Burger King crown on his head. Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness and Silent Jim are sitting against the back wall, presumably stoned. Jan Chovy (Ann Chovi's cousin) is sitting on the edge of the conference table, filing her nails. Ilinana is pacing around restlessly, with HAMMER in hand. Randall is passed out on the floor, mumbling to himself. Goober and some of the other lackeys are wandering around trying to stay out of everyone's way. Suddenly, John storms in.
John: I'm back!
All : AAAAAAAAH!
Ian and Silent Jim jump to their feet, Ili swings around and accidentally nails Goober with her HAMMER, Dark Shadow tumbles off of the throne, his Burger King crown falls off, he picks it up and stands, Jan falls off of the table, Randall rolls around a little, until, finally, some of the lackeys stand him up. The lackeys then cower in a corner.
John (angrily): Well, I see everyone's been busy while I was gone!
Ian : Dude! Lord, we were, uh, planning to go rescue you and…Silent Jim did it!
John : Ian. Long time no see. When was the last time I saw you and Jim here? Oh yes! WHILE YOU WERE RUNNING AWAY FOM THE NEWLY WED GAME AS I WAS BEING ARRESTED!!!!!!!!!!
Ian : It was the sailboat! It drove me mad!
Silent Jim nods vigorously.
John : I bet. And how about you, Ili? What's your excuse?
Ili : Remember what I said when you first came up with this crazy plan to ruin the Tri-Leader wedding? I said you'd lose, because the villains in wedding stories ALWAYS lose, but would you listen? Nooooooooo!
John : Fine, you were right or whatever- Dark Shadow! What have you been up to?
Dark Shadow : NOTHING!!! I haven't been up to anything! Honest!
He notices he's still holding Burger King crown and shoves it into his cloak.
Dark Shadow : Ahem, I mean, I was just waiting for my contacts to reply with schematics of the Coal Mines so that I could launch a successful rescue operation.
Ian : Yeah! What he said!
John : Hmm, okay, I guess I misjudged you guys! And to think, all that time I thought you were either plotting against me or had completely forgotten about me!
His evil allies laugh nervously, and exchange looks.
John : Now, there was something else I wanted to do…oh yes! GOOBER!
Goober scurries over to John.
Goober : Y-yes m'lord?
John : Goober, does this cave seem dusty to you?
Goober : Well, maybe a little, my liege, because it is a cave after all and-
John : SILENCE! Just because I'm locked in the coal mines, slaving away day after day with no possible way to escape doesn't mean you stop your duties!!!!
Goober : Yes, m-m'lord, I'm sure th-
John : Do you know what it's like to be in the Coal Mines, Goober? Do you?
Goober : Er, no, b-
John : Well, you're about to find out! GET TO WORK!!!
Lackeys :
It’s a hard-knock life for us.
It’s a hard-knock life for us.
‘Stead of treated, we get tricked.
‘Stead of kisses, we get kicked.
It’s a---
John: NOT THAT SONG!!! Anything but that!!
The lackeys look disappointed, but sing a different one.
Lackeys :
At the end of the day you're another day older
And that's all you can say for the lives of us slaves
We are starving, we're depraved
And it's nothing that anyone's giving
One more day breaking our backs
What is it for?
One day left to be living!
At the end of the day you're another day colder
And your burlap sack doesn't keep out the chill
And Randall's down below
You can here the tortured ones crying
And Ian's got his flame thrower out, ready to kill
One day nearer to dying!
At the end of the day our lord John'll planning
Some other scheme that might get us all killed
La Resistance, Crapomon!
How does he come up with this crap?
Boy, we sure hate John
But he holds our lives in his hands
And we try to stay out of his way
At the end of the day!
John :
At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing
Sitting flat on your butt will end you up dead.
Goober :
We are treated like dogs!
We're overworked and underfed!
John :
But you're lucky to be in a job
And still have your head
Lackeys : And we're counting our blessings!
Leroy the Monkey :
Did you see how Lord John is fuming today?
With his butt ugly face and his idiot plans?
It's because the Tri-Leaders put him in his place
Take a look at his scowl
You can see where he stands!
Lackeys :
At the end of the day it's another day over
With a bump on your head that'll last for a week!
Clean the closets, clean the cave
Keep on living as long as you're able!
And if you misbehave
They'll lop off your head on the table!
And you've got to make your way
At the end of the day!
Goober walks over to stage right, making sure no one sees him, and picks up an envelope, he opens it up and starts looking over it when Leroy notices.
Leroy :
What have we here little innocent Goober?
Come on, my friend, let's have all the news
"Dear Goober you must send us more info
And get Stan some more Cheezits
There's no time to lose!"
Goober : Give me that letter!
He tackles Leroy, and they start fighting. The Lackeys scream, Ian starts yelling "OH S***!!!! F***HIM UP!!!!! F*** HIM UP!!!! OH MAN, HE F***ING OWNS YOU!!!!!!" Suddenly, Randall breaks through the crowd and everyone falls silent.
Randall :
What is this fighting all about?
Will someone tear these two apart?
This is a sweat shop, not a circus!
Now come on, flunkies, settle down
This is a hellhole of repute
This is nice, unhallowed ground
Now, let's try to sort this out
And be as patient as we can
NOW, DAMN IT, HOW THE HELL DID THIS START?!
Leroy (points at Goober) :
At the end of the day he's the one who began it!
Our little friend Goober is living a lie!
He got a letter just today
It was sent to him by the Tri-Leaders
He's been keeping another job:
Being a spy!
And Lord John wouldn't like it!
Goober :
Yes it's true I'm a spy for the Tri-Leaders
But can you blame me for taking their side?
They promised to help me escape
And give me a sanctum
I just want to survive!
Lackeys :
At the end of the day he'll be nothing but trouble!
And there's trouble for all when there's trouble for one
While we slave for daily bread
He's the one with his hands in the butter
You must send the spy away
Or we're all gonna end in the gutter
And it's us who'll have to pay!
At the end of the day!
John :
Of course, I knew it all along
I knew it from the start
I always guessed your little secret!
Ah yes, the virtuous Goober!
Who always was such a loser
You'd be the cause, I had no doubt
Of any trouble here about
You act all loyal in the light
But then you switch when you see right!
Leroy :
He's been laughing at you
While he's selling your plans!
Lackeys : He'll be nothing but trouble again and again!
Leroy : You must send him to Randall now!
Lackeys : Send him to Randall now!
John : All right, Goober, on your way!
He pushes remote control and Goober falls into trap door.
Randall : YIPEEEE!!!!!
He jumps in after Goober, and the trap door closes.
Leroy : Excellent work, m'lord.
John : Yes, of c- hey! Why aren't you working?!
Leroy : B-but we found a spy! Don't we get the day off?
John : NO! Hey, do I need Ian to do a little motivational seminar?
Ian strokes flame-thrower and grins
Lackeys : EEP!
They go back to work.
John : Now! Since I am now sure- um, as I always was!- that the Tri-Leaders consider me a threat, we must make a new plan!
Ili : Like what? Make an ultra-addictive video game, while flying to a far off planet looking for a mysterious artifact, and trying to use their Time/Space Transmanipulation Fluxatron to live out your fantasies, while getting drunk and assisting with Richard Simmons' murder at a party, testifying on trial, getting put on trial yourself, while trying to ruin their marriages twice- once at the wedding, once on the Newlywed Game?
John : Cool as that would be...no. You see, when I asked the Tangerine Hologram Time-Watch to tell me a surefire way to take over the world, he told me to make a plan based on my favorite musical! And I think it's pretty obvious what that is!
Ian : ...Camelot?
John : No! Don't you remember how that ended?
Ili : The Music Man?
John : I don't think the Tri-Leaders will be harmed very badly if I sell them uniforms and instruments for Roseidous and Tyrael to march around in at a parade. Besides, they all like pool tables.
Jan : Annie?
John stares at her.
Jan : Well, sorry!
Silent Jim gets their attention, then jumps up on the conference table and pretends to fiddle.
John : No, not Fiddler on the Roof.
Ian : Guys and Dolls?
John : No.
Ili : Oklahoma?
John : No.
Jan : South Pacific?
John : No.
Ian : Me and My Girl?
John : No.
Ili : Rent?
John : Too depressing.
Jan : Anything Goes?
John : Not depressing enough.
Ian : Little Shop of Horrors!
John : No. And none of my plans will involve growing any sorts of crops you might be interested in.
Ian frowns.
Ili : My Fair Lady?
John : No.
Jan : Annie Get Your Gun?
John just stares at her again.
Jan : What? What is your problem with the name Annie?
John : Um, it will encourage the Tri-Leaders!
Ili : He has a So Weird complex.
John : I do not!
Randall's head pops out of the ground.
Randall : X-Raytor has Neary issues?!
Everyone stares at him.
Randall : Oops. Sorry.
He submerges again.
John : Anyway...
Ian : West Side Story!
John : No!
Ili : Pirates of Penzance!
John : No!
Silent Jim stands on the table, taps his teeth, and then makes a cutting motion over his neck.
John : No. Not Sweeney Todd, either.
Jan : Damn Yankees!
John : No! (He is clearly growing tired of this)
Ian : Godspell!
John : No!
Ili : Jesus Christ, Super Star!
John : No!
Jan : Hair!
John : No!
Ian : A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum!
John : No!
Ili : 1776!
John : No!
Jan : Evita!
John : No!
Ian : Cabaret!
John : No!...But close, in some aspect.
Ili : Moulin Rouge!
John : No! But you're on one of the right tracks!
Jan : Um...Newsies?
John : Almost! Almost!
Silent Jim gets up on the table, but before he can do anything, John interrupts him.
John : No, Silent Jim, not Carousel.
Silent Jim comes down and looks confused. As do the rest of the allies. Dark Shadow sighs.
Dark Shadow : You idiots! It's so obvious! He's talking about a play of revolution!
John : Yes!
Dark Shadow : Of fighting tyranny, in all of its ugly forms!
John : Yes!
Dark Shadow : And plus, who couldn't recognize the song the Lackeys sang?
John : Exactly!
Dark Shadow : So it's pretty clear that the only obvious answer is...Cats!
John : Yes!.....Wait, no! Not Cats! NEVER CATS!!!
Ian : Hey! That show made a lot of sense to me!
John : Were you high at the time?
Ian : ...Uh...yeah!
John : And that's why. But no! No no no no no no no NO! You're all wrong! So now, like in all things, I must show you the light! My evil, evil plan for taking over the world, and destroying the Tri-Leaders once and for all, will be based on...Les Miserables!
All : .....
Ian : That last song was definitely from West Side Story.
John : No! It wasn't! It's from Les Mis! All of it is from Les Mis! We're going to start a revolution- aptly named La Resistance- build a Barricade out of the stuff they keep in the Corner of Shame, and barricade a strategic point, drawing the Tri-Leaders out into the open so that we can crush them once and for all! JEEZ!!
He pants hard.
All : Oooooooh.
Jan : I still think Annie would have worked better...
Dark Shadow : And where are we going to barricade? What sort of strategic gold mine have you picked this time? The parking lot of the Quick Stop? Our own front door?
John : Oh no! While I did consider those, I finally settled on the perfect place. The one place that will hit the Tri-Leaders- and everyone else- right where they live:
Dramatic pause
John : The Morphz Message Board.
There are loud gasps and the allies begin to murmur amongst themselves.
John : Everyone. Everyone! Listen! This plan can be achieved- but there's a lot of work to do first- Ian and Jan, go scout out the message board, get familiar with it. Dark Shadow, find out where the Tri-Leaders are going to be for the rest of the day. Silent Jim, look up all the lyrics and sheet music so that everyone has some idea what they're doing. Ili...do whatever it is you usually do.
Ili : Um, Lordy? Don't you think it would be a better idea for, I don't know, me to go to the message board with Dharma and Greg over there? They'll need all the help they can get, you kn-
John : So, we're agreed? Excellent! Now, everyone go do what I said, and meet in the secret meeting place in an hour! Oh, and, um...Viva La Resistance!
All : Viva La Resistance!
They all exit, except for Ili.
Ili : Ignored again. Fine, then, I'll show them they can't succeed without me. Just you wait!
She storms off stage right.
Curtain drops.