Music plays.
Curtain rises.
Act One, Scene Three. In Town.
Ann and Roses are standing on a fairly busy street in front of an obviously fake grocery store. They look towards stage right.
Ann :
I smell fire, smell it in the air.
Roses :
Holli, Tails, and Tyrael have been playing over there.
Ann :
Matches, lighters, see all of the flames?
Roses :
They'll take all the credit and they'll never get the blame.
Ann :
They help fill up our corner of shame.
Holli, Tails, Tyrael run onstage from the right. Holli has some rope and matches. Tails has some handcuffs. Tyrael has nothing and is singing rather reluctantly.
Holli, Tails, Tyrael :
Junior Tri-Leaders,
Watch out, here we come.
With our handcuffs, ropes, and matches,
It's a lot of fun.
Junior Tri-Leaders,
We will rule some day
We'll defeat the Tri-Leaders,
'Cause they're too old to play.
You can't escape us
Don't even run away.
They exit, stage left. Ann stares at Roses.
Ann :
What pretty hair, what pretty locks you've got there.
Roses :
What are you doing? Stop being the creepy hair lady, my dear.
Ann :
Sorry! I forgot!
Roses :
Don't look at me, where did those three go?
Ann :
Let's make a guess. I hear some screaming over there. Just close your eyes.
Roses :
They're having fun.
Ann :
Just close your eyes.
Roses :
We didn't see it, they're having fun, we'll let them play their jokes on anyone.
Holli, Tails, Tyrael run back onstage, from the left.
Holli, Tails, Tyrael :
Junior Tri-Leaders,
Watch out, here we come.
With our handcuffs, ropes, and matches,
It's a lot of fun.
Junior Tri-Leaders,
We will rule some day
We'll defeat the Tri-Leaders,
'Cause they're too old to play.
You can't escape us
Don't even run away.
Junior Tri-Leaders
Almost time to go.
Have to get back to the woods
And plan another show.
Roses :
Come on, you guys,
Put your stuff away.
Save it in the cabins,
Use it another day.
Ann :
I'll drive to camp...
Roses :
Yes, Holli, that's fair.
Ann :
Vinnie's waiting for your lesson,
Rosey will be there.
Holli, Tails :
Oooh! Can we please make some stuff
And dye his and Ty's hair?
Ann : We’ll see.
All exit, stage right.
John enters, stage left. He looks around, makes sure the coast is clear, and then sneaks onto stage, dodging from cover to cover, occasionally rolling, or flipping like James Bond. Katherine enters stage right. She walks over to John, who is doing a somersault, and kicks him in the leg. John falls and lands on his face.
John : Ow! Who dares to defy my Somersault of Sinister...ness!
Katherine (rolling her eyes): It's the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
John : REALLY?! Can I poke your tummy????
He gets up on all fours and frowns.
John : Oh, hi Katherine. Where'd the Pillsbury Dough Boy go?
Katherine sighs and helps John up.
John : Thank- hey, wait a second! What are you doing here?!
Katherine : I was shopping for some...stuff...and I saw your sign on the Top Secret Bulletin Board at the gas station that supposedly no one knows about except your lackeys, and um... I want to join La Resistance!
John : You were already in the first La Resistance, but then you made the beetles go on strike, and you helped everyone kick me in the No-No at the Newlywed Game! You changed, you know. You're on the good side now.
Katherine : Crap. I was hoping you wouldn't remember.
She pauses.
Katherine : OOOOOOOH NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
John (obviously startled): What?!
Katherine : The winds are changing! I'm changing!!!!!AAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
She starts howling at the sky.
John (to audience): Is there a creepy old gypsy lady in the house?!
Ann sticks her head in from stage right.
Ann : You called?
Katherine and John stare at her, and she grumbles something and exits.
Katherine : Well... um...anyway... uh... CWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! I have changed! I'm evil again!
John : Really?
Katherine : Would I lie to you?
John : ...Yes.
Katherine : Let's see if I can convince you...
What to do?
What to say?
How to prove that I've gone astray?
How can I gain your trust?
If I'm to fight the Tri-Leaders, I must.
What do you think is best
To impress a Lord of Darkness?
John : (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!)
Katherine : (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!)
Crapomon! Remember that?
How I signed on and helped plan the attack?
Sure I turned you
Into stone
But I saved you from... uh... being cloned
Cloned, dear John!
John :
Ok, I believe it
But there's other things that bother me though
I'll give you another chance
To explain why I'm the Lord of Frilly Underpants!
Katherine :
That would quite show my guilt
But, you see, I was mentally ill!
No offense meant towards you
I was in rehab trying to quit PM2
And besides, you're not being fair
I called you the Lord of Frilly Underwear
Which isn't as bad.
John : Ah, ok...
One thing more
One small doubt
There are treacherous people about
You know I'm
An intelligent guy
And I'd never be fooled by a spy
So don't try to trick me
I can see through any Waltz of Treachery!
Katherine :
No more words
Here's your price
I'll castrate you to show I'm not nice!
John :
That's okay! You've showed me
That you are not my enemy
Now drop the knife, put it away
We must do lots of evil today!
Katherine : So... we're good?
John : Yeah, sure, why not. The secret meeting place is this way...
They go behind the grocery store, which is lifted up revealing the Evil Allies sitting at tables, enjoying non-lactose drinks. Because milk is a Tri-Leader drink. So the Evil Allies drink... WATER!!!!!! ...What? Water is evil! John and Katherine walk upstage as the grocery store lifts, so that they are behind the tables, facing the audience.
John : Hello everyone! Viva La Resistance!
All La Resistancers (John’s Lackeys): Viva La Resistance!
John : Everyone here knows Katherine, right?
All of the guys quail and cover their vitals.
John : No, don't worry, she's changed sides! She's with us now!
Dark Shadow : And how are you sure of that?
John : She sang me a song about it!
Dark Shadow : Shouldn't we give her a more thorough test, like... um... have her kill one of the Associates or Junior Tri-Leaders or something?
John : ...You just... don't get it... do you?
Dark Shadow : Having her assassinate someone is the only way- no traitor will assassinate their own friends. At the very least have her kill that Fitey girl!
Ili (fists clenched, looking down at table): There is no Fitey anymore okay? She's gone! FOREVER!!!!! NOW STOP OBSESSING OVER IT!!!!!!! RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
All stare at Ili in shocked silence.
Ili (looking up): Does anyone else hear the Andy Griffith theme?
John : Ahem, anyway... what's the news?
Ian :
Down at the board the sections are prepared!
At the forums they're straining at the leash!
Miners, perverts, everyone
There's a river on the run
Like the flowing of the tide
Morphz is coming to our side!
John :
The time is near
So near, it's stirring the blood in their veins
And yet beware!
Don't let the wine go to your brains
For the army we fight is a dangerous foe!
With the cookies and milk like we never can match!
Sure it's easy to sit and throw darts at their photos
But you know the Mod Squad'll be harder to catch!
We need a sign:
To rally the boardies
To call them to arms
To bring them in line!
Ili takes out a sandwich.
Ili : Well, good luck with the figurehead. But now I'm hungry!
She looks lovingly at the sandwich.
Ili : Where have you been all my life?
John's eyes widen as Ili raises the sandwich to her mouth. He runs over and snatches it from her just before she takes a bite.
John :
This is it!
We'll call it the Sandwich of Freedom!
It'll be our symbol atop the barricade
And it'll represent liberty and union and…stuff!
Ili :
That's mine! Give it back!
This is really starting to tick me off!
Now give it back 'fore I get rough!
Dark Shadow speaks from the shadows, causing everyone to jump a few feet.
Dark Shadow :
I am agog!
I am aghast!
Do you really expect this coup to last?!
You're acting like a bunch of brats!
There are battles to be won
So stop goofing off and having fun
Now sit and let's plan our attack.
John tries to regain control from Dark Shadow.
John :
It is time for us all to decide who we are
Will we fight for the right to defeat the Tri-Leaders now?
Have you asked of yourselves: what's the price you might pay?
This isn't a game for psycho teens to play
The colors of the world are changing day by day
Red!
The blood of angry men!
Black!
Our evil flag unfurled!
Red!
A reign about to fall!
Black!
When darkness rules the world!
Dark Shadow :
We are being too peaceful, we need to strike hard
If we want wrest control from the Tri-Leaders now.
If we want to succeed, we must use all we got
And we have to learn not to be afraid to kill
There is no right or wrong
There is only power and might!
Red!
I feel my soul on fire!
Black!
I feel my destiny!
Red!
With power in my grasp
Black!
The real ruler is-
He notices everyone looking at him and says, resentfully…
Dark Shadow : ---John.
John :
Everyone, it's just like I said!
We need to focus on our goals!
Are you willing to die for the Cause?
And once we reach our victory
Yes, we'll control the world, you'll see!
And we'll make the decrees and laws!
La Resistancers :
Red!
The blood of angry men!
Black!
Our evil flag unfurled!
Red!
A reign about to fall!
Black!
When darkness rules the world!
All of the La Resistancers gather around John, discussing plans. Katherine sneaks away from the group. A spotlight follows her and the other stage lights dim. John and everyone else stop moving and talking as they are not involved in this part of the scene. Katherine hides under the table and pulls out a cell phone. Then she pulls out a piece of paper, reads it, and dials a number. She waits. And waits.
Katherine : Darn it! Ann must not be home.
She pulls out the paper again, reads some more, and dials another number. She waits. A spotlight appears on the other side of the stage. Roseidous is sitting in a La-Z-Boy recliner, holding a remote control. Apparently, he is supposed to be at his house. The phone on the table next to him rings; he answers it.
Roseidous : Hello, Roseidous, the-guy-with-the-best-hair-in-the-whole-universe’s home, Roseidous speaking. Can I help you? Do you want a date? Because you see, I’m busy
and---
Katherine : Rosey, shut up, I don’t have time for that!
Roseidous : Who is this? I was hoping it was someone who really wanted a date, because Ann and Roses never let me get that far. They usually stop me after I say hello.
Katherine : Rosey, stop! This is Katherine. I only have a few minutes, just listen.
I have a plan that must be spoken
I have some news I need to tell
John's having a revolution
And your odds don't look that well.
Here they talked of barricading
Here it was they lit the flame
Here they sang about tomorrow
And said something about the shame.
While stuck in the Corner of Shame
They could see a world reborn
And they rose with voices ringing
And I can hear them now
They're going to attack your forces
They plan to win the war
On the lonely barricade...At dawn.
Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
I'll pretend to take his side.
There are more plans that I don't know yet.
More secrets he tries to hide.
I'll make him tell me everything.
I'll get all the inside news.
Then I'll somehow get it to you.
I'll make sure that John will lose.
My friends, my friends don't ask me
The big details of his scheme.
I'll meet up with you later.
I have to go before I'm seen.
Roseidous : Go? Where are you?
Katherine : I’m in John’s secret hideout. He’s going to go show me the place for the barricade or something.
Roseidous : You mean, they’re all there and they didn’t hear you sing that song?
Katherine : Apparently not.
Roseidous : Oh. Well, good luck. Hey, if you happen to see some cute girls where you’re going, bring some back with you to the fortress, because---
Katherine : Rosey! Just tell Roses and the others. I’ll be there by tomorrow morning. Bye!
The spotlight on Roseidous dims. Katherine puts away her paper and her cell phone. The whole stage lights up again. Roseidous and his chair have been removed. Katherine stands up.
John : Katherine! I wondered where you went off to.
Katherine : Oh, I was in the bathroom.
John walks over and puts an arm around her shoulders. Ian and Silent Jim walk by, waving some flashlights and holding shovels. The other Lackeys are exiting, stage right and left.
John : I think you should come with me.
Katherine : Where’s everyone else going?
John : They have some…things…to attend to. But you and I, well, we’re going to go see the place for my barricade. Morphz here we come!
He steers her off, stage left.
Curtain drops.