Music plays.
Curtain rises.
Act One, Scene Five. Freeing the Miners.
There is a cave entrance set piece in the middle of the
stage, with a sign that says: "COAL MINES: ENTER AT OWN IMPRISONMENT!"
A curtain with painted forest scenery is down around the entrance. There are various trees and bushes scattered around the stage. Vinnie is standing guard, occasionally pulling at his fishnet stockings. Ian and
Silent Jim are hiding behind some trees off to stage right.
Ian: Okay,
lunchbox, here’s the deal: you’re gonna go over there and distract the dude
in drag, and then I’ll sneak up behind him and hit him with…uh...
He looks around and picks up a
stick.
Ian: This!
Silent Jim puts his
face in his hand and shakes his head pityingly.
Ian: Well
what are you waiting for? Get over there!
He shoves Silent Jim out into the open. Vinnie
hears and turns, raising his weapon.
Vinnie: Halt!
Who goes there?
Silent Jim
grins innocently and waves.
Vinnie: Oh,
it’s you. What are you here for?
His eyes brighten and he leans closer.
Vinnie: Are you a
new worker? Do you need me to sing my song about the mines?
Silent Jim shakes his head vigorously.
Vinnie: Well too bad! You get to hear it anyway!
Master of the mines,
Keeper of the Zoo,
Ready with a makeover
And high-heeled shoes.
The Tri-Leaders will let me
Act the way I want,
But they don't pay me
Just because I'm hot.
I know how to get the job done,
I'm the best at what I do.
Don't you misbehave,
Or you might see your grave.
The master of the mines is watching you!
Now, get out of here before I decide to make you less masculine than I am!
Silent Jim retreats back behind the tree.
Ian: You’re useless, I swear. And didn’t they already sing that song once? Oh well, here; take this.
He hands Silent Jim a Game Boy. Silent Jim
stares at him inquisitively.
Ian: Just do it!
Silent Jim sighs and turns on Game Boy. He walks
back out into the open, still playing.
Vinnie: I
thought I told you to- hey, what are you playing?
Vinnie looks over Silent Jim’s shoulder at the
Game Boy. Suddenly, his face grows dark with anger.
Vinnie (growling):
Super Mario Brothers? Oh, so you like that type of entertainment, huh?
Silent Jim shrugs, confused.
Vinnie:
I suppose you think it’s funny, huh, all the blatant Italian jokes?!
Silent Jim starts to back away nervously.
Vinnie: What’s
wrong? You scared because I’m not acting like a "normal Italian"?
Maybe I should say "Momma Mia!" and work as a plumber! WOULD THAT MAKE
YOU HAPPY?!
Silent Jim shields his head.
Vinnie: It’s
people like you who give Italians a bad name! I’m going to smother you with
that overcoat!
He starts to chase Silent Jim around the stage.
Ian jumps out from behind a tree, but always skips the opportunity to hit Vinnie
over the head. Finally, Silent Jim throws the Game Boy at Ian, who catches it. Vinnie turns around.
Vinnie: Ah!
Another one! This must be my lucky day!
Ian: Eep!
As Vinnie advances on Ian, Silent Jim hits him
over the head with a stick.
Vinnie:
Ow.
He turns threateningly to Silent Jim. Ian throws the
Game Boy at him.
Vinnie: Ow,
ow!
He turns to Ian. Ian and Jim exchange looks, and
then nod.
Ian: Hey!
Super Mario RULES! The only flaw is that he doesn’t eat any pasta when he has
a break from kicking @$$ on mushrooms and s***!
Vinnie: WHY
YOU LITTLE-
Vinnie runs at Ian, who jumps to the side,
causing Vinnie to run into a tree. Silent Jim runs over and whacks Vinnie over
the head with another stick. It has no effect on the cross-dressing henchman.
Vinnie: I’m
really getting tired of this…
Suddenly, an acorn falls out of the tree above
Vinnie.
Vinnie: Ooooh…
right on the soft spot…
He collapses.
Ian and Silent Jim: …
Ian: Yeah!
Just like I said! You mess with me and I’ll pull out the mad moves on you,
f***ing Luke Skywalker style! Like: VMMM! VMMM! SCHNIK! SCHNIK! SCHNIK!
WAAAAAAOOOOOOO JEEEEEEEEDDDIIIIIIII! Naga nooch!
Silent Jim whacks Ian upside the head, and then
walks inside Mine entrance. Once the two are inside, the lights go off, so that
the mine entrance can be rolled away. Then the curtain rises, showing the inside
of the mines. Mining sounds can be heard in the background.
Ian: Huh.
This looks like my closet…
Silent Jim gestures.
Ian: Oh
yeah, only with less unidentifiable dark spots and stains. And not as much mold.
A miner stumbles in on stage right,
carrying a pick and buckets of coal.
Ian: Yo!
Check this out! We can talk to this guy and figure out how to get the miners all
rallied and stuff.
Silent Jim nods.
They walk over to the miner, who
is mumbling to himself.
Ian: Hey!
Coal boy! What’s up?
The miner blinks at them.
Miner: Who
are you?
He lowers his voice.
Miner: Are you the guys smuggling in the adult Japanese
comics?
Ian: Funny
you should mention that-
He digs into his jacket. Silent Jim elbows him.
Ian: Oh
yeah. Right. Um, we’re here on part of John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum
Duuuuuuum!) and he says he needs your help with La Resistance and the rebellion
and stuff.
Miner: Finally!
At long last, salvation has come! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
He pauses.
Miner: I guess he
sent you to talk to me then, huh? I’m the unofficial representative for the
miners.
Ian: Yeah,
I guess you’re our guy. What’s your name?
Miner: Cole.
Ian looks at the audience
Ian: Who didn’t see that one coming?
He turns back to Cole.
Ian:Your name is Cole?
Cole: Yes,
Cole Slaw.
Ian: Wow.
That’s two bad jokes… in a row… even John hasn’t done that recently!
Cole: No,
I’m serious! You see, I was born Thaddeus Slaw, and I was a door-to-door
salesman. Until, of course, I tried to sell Roses an Oreck vacuum cleaner…
Ian: Ah.
And so, you decided to call yourself Cole because you wanted your boyfriend in
here to have a cute nickname for you!
Cole: …No.
Silent Jim stares at Ian.
Ian (incredulously):
What?! It’s possible!
Cole: Anyway,
I hated it here from day one, hated everything about it. But soon I came to
realize that the coal was good. The coal was great! The coal was ALL! And so, I
changed my name to Cole, to show that I am one with the coal! I AM THE
COAL!!!!!!!!!! Rub me hard and I’ll turn into a diamond!!!!!
Ian: Uh…
no thanks. Listen, Jack Nicholson, we just want to recruit you and as many
miners as possible to our cause.
Cole: Well,
there’s plenty of those! You won’t find a single miner here who isn’t
brave enough to fight against the Tri-Leaders! Well, except for
Fred. And Louie. And Bob and Joe and Bill and Ed and Bernie and those two Walt
and Steve Dave guys…
Ian: Well,
how many of you will fight?
Cole: Um…
me… and me… oh, and me!
Ian:
Anyone else?
Cole: Wait
a sec, let me go ask the guys…
Cole exits stage right.
Ian: Dude,
this place is givin me a serious Shawshank vibe, I swear… like, I bet
if you were in here, guys would rape you in the shower. Yeah, but you’re all
about that s*** aren’t you?
Silent Jim has been standing behind Ian, making
faces and mocking him, but at the last comment he whacks him upside the head.
Ian: Ow!
What was that for? I was just joking!
He rubs his head.
Ian: Freakin homophobe…
Silent Jim picks up Cole’s pick ax, and raises
it above his head as if to kill Ian, but then restrains himself. Ian doesn’t
notice. Then, Cole and about a dozen miners enter from stage right.
Cole: Here
they are! The brave men and women who will fight the Tri-Leaders to the last
breath, to the last bullet!
Ian: Um,
we’re using squirt guns.
Cole: Oh…
to the last squirt gun cartridge!
Ian: This
is lookin pretty good, huh Silent Jim?
He walks around them, looking them over.
Ian:
Good… good… good… go-hey! Is that the Trix Rabbit?!
The Trix Rabbit shyly steps out from the back of
the crowd. Ian and Silent Jim look ecstatic.
Ian: Holy
s***!! It is the Trix Rabbit! Dude, you are, like, our hero!!!
Silent Jim nods vigorously.
Trix Rabbit:
Oh, well, hey, it was nothing. Just a few commercials here and there, y’know…
Ian: Just
a few commercials? I based my entire preteen existence on those! So why are you
here?
Trix Rabbit : I tried to steal Ann’s Trix, so they through me in here. I just wanted some of that raspberry red, blueberry blue, lemony yellow and orangey orange flavor! But they locked me up. And allowed Roseidous to…do things to me. He likes bunnies, you know.
Everyone shudders
Ian : Well, everyone, be glad, for your days of abuse are over! We’re gonna get you out of here! What do you have to say about that?
Miners (led by Cole Slaw):
No more hard-knock life for us!
No more hard-knock life for us!
‘Stead of working, we’ll have fun,
‘Stead of mining, we’ll see some sun!
No more hard-knock life!
Ian: NOOOOO! Never, ever, ever sing that song. John has Annie issues.
They shrug and try again.
Miners (in two groups, and in perfect harmony):
Ring out the bells upon this day of days
May all the workers in the mines rejoice.
In jubilation, sing this song of praise
(In jubilation, sing this song of praise)
And take this chance to make them hear our voice!
(And take this chance to make them hear our voice!)
Ian : Better. Now, back to the John Cave! Awaaaaaaaaaay!
He runs off stage right and there is a loud crash. Ian stumbles back in, with a bucket on his head.
Ian : Uh, sorry. My tubby partner Silent Jim will show you the more scenic route. Yeah…
They all exit stage left.
The curtain with the coal mines painted on it and all other set pieces in the mines are removed from the stage quickly. John walks out into the empty space, a spotlight on him.
John:
Here
Alone in the darkness
I see my future
My destiny
My destiny
No one can stop me!
I'm just too strong
And dead sexy
And dead sexy!
I know that I'll be the king
I know that I'll rule the world
And all will bow and worship and praise
When my flag is unfurled
And if you try to get in my way
Shame will be hurled!
Stars
In your shininess
You make out shapes
I see a puppy!
Never mind, it's a duck
But in your patterns
I see my fortune
I see my luck
I see my luck!
Oh yeah I'll be the king
I'll be the one who will reign
And the Tri-Leaders will eventually fail
Because they are so lame!
And if they try to get in my way
They'll fall in shame!
And so it shall be!
Because I decreed it!
I shall rule all from men to mice!
And those who try to fight against me
Will pay the price!
Someday I will beat them
And then I will see them
Safe behind bars!
I will rule the world!
Till then
This I swear!
This I swear by
The stars!
Katherine runs out on the stage.
Katherine: John! Wait for me! I didn't know you could walk that fast. Where are we, anyway?
John: ...Here?
Katherine: And... what were you doing?
John: Gee! Look at the time! Better get over to Morphz before it closes!
Katherine: But it never-
John: Yep! Time's a-wastin'! And we're almost there! This way!
He steers her offstage.
The Curtain Drops