La Resistancers: Now we pledge ourselves to hold this Barricade!

Cole: Let them come with their legions and they will be met!

John: Have faith in yourselves and don’t be afraid!

Ian: Let’s give ‘em a screwing they’ll never forget!

Jan: This is where it begins!

Ili:
And if I should die in the fight to be free

Silent Jim:
Let them come if they dare

We’ll be there!

Everyone stops singing and stares at Silent Jim again.

Silent Jim: Well, I had to have another good line, didn’t I?

The Barricade set turns, (and everyone with it) so that the audience can see both the La Resistance side (stage left), and the front/outside (stage right). The audience is impressed. Just then, the Clone army (only as many as will fit on stage, of course) arrives, with the Tri-Leaders at the head. Katherine is standing a bit behind them, out of the line of sight of anyone at the Barricade.

Roses: Okay, here we go…

She raises a megaphone.

Roseidous: No wait! Let me!

Roses (exchanging looks with Ann): Oh, why not.

She hands Roseidous the megaphone.

Roseidous:
You at the Barricade listen to this!

Ann: Wow. He’s unusually good at that!

John: Hey! I do have friends! Grrr…

John:
Damn their warnings, damn their lies!

La Resistancers:
Damn their warnings, damn their lies!

John: Ha! What now?

Roseidous: Uh…

There is loud feedback from the megaphone and everyone winces

Roseidous: Uh… you’re ugly, too!

John: So are you!

Roseidous: And you’re dumb!

John: Well… you’re dumber!

Roseidous: Am not!

John: Are too!

Roseidous: Am not!

John: Are too times infinity!

Roseidous: … Damn it.

Roses: Give me that!

She snatches the megaphone away from Roseidous.

Roses: Okay, John, here’s the deal- you’re going to surrender, right now, or we’re going to have to overrun you with clones and throw you in the Mines again. And I know we all don’t want that!

John: Eat my shorts!

Roses: John, 1) you’re not wearing shorts, 2) if you were, they wouldn’t even be edible enough for Tyrael to eat.

Tyrael (grabbing the megaphone, while Roses is still holding it): And that’s saying a lot!

Roses (yanks the megaphone back): Listen, if you surrender in the next ten minutes, we’ll only let Holli and Tails play with you for a half an hour-

Holli and Tails: A half an hour?! Awwww…

Roses: We’ll work something out.

John: You stupid Tri-Leaders! You’re all so… stupid because you’re… stupid!

Ann: How can we fight against such wit?

Roses: At least he hasn’t done any "Yo Momma" jokes-

John: And Ann’s momma is so ugly, they’re thinking of moving Halloween to her birthday!

Ann: Oh, I know you didn’t just say somethin’ about my momma!

John: That’s funny, because everyone’s talkin about yo momma!

Ann: Don’t go there! I said, don’t go there!

John: Everyone’s been there, if you know what I mean!

Ann: Hold me back, girl, hold me back!

John turns to his fellow La Resistancers.

John: And it’s funny because I was talking about K-Mart!

Ian: Dude, you are an embarrassment to mom jokers everywhere.

John: Really? Do you think I could make some better camel jokes? You want me to tell them a really funny camel story?

For reasons- thankfully- unknown, Ian goes pale and shuts up.

Roses: Okay, Ann, John, that’s enough. We’re trying to have a nice little war here, okay?

Ann: As long as he doesn’t rip on my momma.

John: I don’t need to-

Roses: John! Enough! Thank you!

John: Fine. Well, anyway, I’d love to stay here and chat, but we have a world to take over, so, in conclusion: No, No, and, finally, NO! This Barricade isn’t going anywhere! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

La Resistancers: VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

John: And if you even think about attacking us, well, I hope you’ll all enjoy your lives as statues! Ta ta for n-

John trips and falls off of the Barricade, almost crushing Cole.

John: Owies.

The stage lights go dim on the La Resistance side, and we see only the Tri-Leaders. Katherine comes out of hiding and stands with the others.

Roses: Okay, then, I guess we should just do this. Maybe he won’t be expecting us to attack right away…

Katherine: I don’t know, he’s got Silent Jim with him, and he’s pretty smart. So is Ili, even if she is insane, and Dark Shadow… well, you know, we might need a bit more to trick them.

Roses: Such as?

Katherine: Well, I am supposed to be a spy!

Roses: Ah, okay! Go over there and give them some fake plans- tell them we’re going to attack tomorrow!

Katherine: Will do!

She walks towards the Barricade, and as she does, the set turns again, so that we only see the La Resistance side. The stage lights come on. John is talking to the Trix Rabbit as everyone else goes about their business.

John: And they wouldn’t even let you eat the yogurt. Wow, those kids are mean!

Trix Rabbit: I know, I know. But once we take over the world-

John: I.

Trix Rabbit: Right. Once, you take over the world, I’ll get all the Trix I need, right?

John: As long as you stand with us here, in fearless defiance to the Tri-Leaders and the entire world… okie-dokie.

Trix Rabbit: Yes! I’ll show them who’s the silly rabbit!

Just then, Oreos and sprays of milk erupt from the other side of the Barricade. Katherine climbs over the top, and drops down, supposedly being chased. She climbs down to where the other La Resistancers are.

Katherine:
Listen my friends

John:
Have faith!

Katherine:
I have overheard their plan

Ian:
Liar!

Silent Jim pats Ian on the back and Jan holds onto his arm and bats her eyelashes at him.

John: Yes, good job, Ian!  You have truly proven that creepy sexual tendencies and spying on girls four year younger than yourself are truly the way to greatness- lessons we would all do well to remember.  Ahem, well, maybe not all, bu- hey! Wait a second! Someone get her!

Cole and Randall grab Katherine, and Leroy drags in a chair. Ili duct tapes her to it. Dark Shadow and John come over at the same time.

John and Dark Shadow: What were you thinking?! How could you not tell she was a spy?! Honestly, why do I even employ you people!

They turn and stare at each other. Dark Shadow clenches his fists, but then seems to remember who’s in charge, and backs off, letting John handle the yelling.

Randall: Hey! You’re the one who trusted her in the first place!

Ili: Yeah! And after she screwed us over before!

Cole: We should sacrifice her to the coal gods!

Ian: I want a cookie!

Silent Jim: …

Jan: This is why I never want to have kids! Didn’t you read the Evil Overlord’s List?!

John: I didn’t think it applied to me!

Dark Shadow: What sort of a leader are you? You know she’s an associate of the Tri-Leaders, but you trusted her after a musical number? How can anyone be so stupid?

John: Hey! I trust you, and all you do is stand around and be shady all day! … And provide me with valuable spy information… but that doesn’t count!

Dark Shadow: Ah, I see, so the only people who are worth anything to you are those who are stupid and easiest to control!

John: That’s not true! I respect intelligence very highly!

Ili: Could have fooled me!

John: Huh?

Katherine: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?!?!

Everyone falls silent.

Katherine: Thank you! God, you people are so stupid! How do you expect to defeat the Tri-Leaders when you aren’t even really united? I mean, give me a break! Here’s what you’re going to do- two people are going to guard me and then you need to set up some sentries to- She pauses-- Oh. Um, ahem, I mean, leave me unguarded and keep arguing. Please!

John: Sounds reasonable to me…

Ili: It would. Okay, Ian, Jim, watch Katherine. Cole, you and the miners get your weapons ready so that you can fight at a moment’s notice. Randall, make sure none of the lackeys try to desert. Dark Shadow… do whatever it is you do. You too Jan… only in your case, don’t do it in public.

Jan: Sometimes I swear you’re asexual.

Ili: No, I just don’t like stuffed llamas. Oh, and John? Do your little charismatic rebel leader thing, okay? I’m going to go stand guard.

Ili climbs up to the top of the Barricade and watches. The others hesitate, and then go about what they were doing. John and Dark Shadow are each heading to the other side of the stage, and almost run into each other. They seem (because you can’t see Dark Shadow’s face) to glare at each other for a few moments, and then shove past.

Katherine: Any time you guys want to go away and leave me here, unguarded is fine with me!

Ian: Oh, okay! Come on, Silent Jim!

Silent Jim whacks him and aims his squirt gun at Katherine. Ian does the same with his flamethrower. Katherine sighs.

Ili (suddenly straightening up): Hey. HEY!

Tri-Leader Associates, advancing towards the Barricade!

Clones behind them, fifty or more!

John: Battle stations everyone! This is it!

Ian: WHOO HOO!

Everyone gets to their battle stations, sticking their squirt guns through opening in the Barricade. As this happens, the stage turns again, once again showing us both sides. The clones are advancing, with the Tri-Leaders a bit behind, and the Associates mixed in. Bubba quacks and half of the audience is reminded of some horrifying memory.

John stands atop the Barricade, watching them come. He grins- he is in his element.

John: FIRE!

The music starts, and the La Resistancers do, indeed, open fire! Occasionally, a Clone will freeze, as if they’ve been turned into stone- which, of course, they have been. Oreos and milk hit the Barricade, but to little effect- once or twice a La Resistancer (a miner or lackey, no one important) will fall. The Associates aren’t doing much better- Vic has been frozen, and Bubba is just running around. In circles. Quacking. He eventually runs into the Barricade and falls down. Roses and Ann are trying to make some order out of everything, but no one seems to be listening to them. Roseidous crawls upstage with Sally, and the audience can see that he is trying to take cover. Suddenly, John straightens up.

John: Goober! Get me a safety pin!

Goober produces a safety pin from his burlap sack/clothes, and immediately half of it falls off (don’t worry, all the vitals are covered up). John snatches the safety pin from him, loads it into a slingshot and fires it. It misses Sally, and instead bounces off of Grand Maestro Julia’s head. Enraged, she throws her baton at John (the orchestra keeps playing), but John catches it, and throws it at Roseidous and Sally. There is a loud POP!, and Sally falls from Roseidous’ arms.

Roses: Hey! HEY! Will somebody please listen to me?!

Ann: Vinnie! What do we pay you for?! Blow them up or something!!

Tyrael: We should retreat!

Roses: No! We’re not-

Tyrael: Roses says retreat! Retreat! RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Tyrael runs offstage and the remaining clones and Associates follow him. Those who have been frozen are carried off by the others, presumably to be shoved in a closet or something.

John: HAHAHAHA! RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! HAHAHAHA! YES! YES YES YES! TAKE THAT, ROSES! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!

The La Resistancers cheer, and stop firing. Roses and Ann watch, restraining themselves, as the Barricade spins again, this time making it so that the audience can only see the Tri-Leader side.

John: See you in the Coal Mines!

He disappears behind the Barricade.

Roses: Son of a gun! Jeepers cripes! Cheese and crackers! Bullfeathers!

Ann: Wow, you really must be mad- such dirty language!

Roses (trying very hard to restrain herself): It helps me to not run at the Barricade and tear it apart with my teeth.

Ann: Oh. Sorry.

Roses: Great, so now what do we do?

Holli: We should have tied him to a tree.

Tyrael: When?

Tails: Always.

Tyrael: Huh?

Roses: Hey, where’s Rosey?

They see Roseidous, still at the edge of the stage, holding a nearly deflated Sally. The others quietly walk over as sad music begins to play.

Roseidous:
Don't you fret, my dear blow-up doll,
I'll patch you up again.
A little loss of wind
Can hardly hurt you now.
I'm here, that's all you need to know.
And I will keep you safe,
And I will keep you close.
And I will blow you up again.

And you will be like new,
Oh Sally, my dove.
I will patch your wounds
With my tape of love.
I'll hold you now and let you be.
Shelter you. Stay with me.

You will live one hundred years
And never go flat.
I won't desert you now,
I wouldn't think of that.
And air will fill you up once more.
And I will keep you safe,
And I will keep you close.
We'll spend more time behind my door!

The air you've lost will be replaced!
I'll paint that smile back on your face!
A breath or two will help you out,
You know it's you I can't live without!

So don't you fret, my dear blow-up doll,
I'll patch you up again.
A little loss of wind
Can hardly hurt you now.
I'm here, that's all you need to know.
And I will keep you safe,
And I will keep you close.
And I will blow you up… He breaks into tears.

The others stand behind him as Sally fully deflates, all looking down. A member of the orchestra quietly climbs up and retrieves Grand Maestro Julia’s baton.

Orchestra Member: Uh, sorry?

Roseidous glares at him, and the orchestra member scurries off, back to the orchestra pit.

Roses: Come on, Rosey, let’s go. We can’t do anything else here.

She turns around to the barricade.

Roses: But we'll be back, John! You can count on that! See you at dawn!

Roseidous stands up, and carries Sally reverently offstage. The other Tri-Leaders follow him, as the last notes of the music play, and the Barricade turns yet again, back to John’s side. We see there are some casualties here, as well- a few miners are drenched in milk, but right in the center of the stage, with everyone gathered around him, is the Trix Rabbit, lying on a table with a giant Oreo sticking out of his stomach.

John: Does that hurt?

Trix Rabbit: …yes…

John: Huh. Well. That sucks. But, hey, at least we won!

He grins and looks around expectantly. When no one seems to be celebrating, he sighs, and then turns back to the Trix Rabbit.

John: Listen, what we- what you did here today was a good thing. No, no, a great thing. Today we took the first steps towards a larger cause- we have the Tri-Leaders on the run! The Morphz Messageboard is ours! And we have your sacrifice to thank for it.

Trix Rabbit: Really?

John: Well, no, but it makes you feel better, right?

Trix Rabbit: I guess so… hey, could I make a last request?

John: Sure.

Trix Rabbit: Can you guys do a musical number about my death.

John: Ooh, no, sorry. The Tri-Leaders already took A Little Fall of Rain.

Trix Rabbit: W-well what about Come to Me? We never did that.

John: Er, you see, that was, um, a First Act song…

Trix Rabbit: But we’ve been mixing and matching songs from both acts for a long time n-

John: It. Was. A. First. Act. Song.

Trix Rabbit: Oh, fine. Let me think… hey! I know! I know what the one thing I want to do before I die is- give me some Trix!

John: Ha ha ha ha! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

The Trix Rabbit moans in despair, but John produces a box of Trix from his cloak.

John: Just kidding. Here you go.

Trix Rabbit: W-wow! My dream has finally come true! Now I’ll finally be able to experience the fruity flavor!!!!

He tears open the box and pours it down his throat- and blanches.

Trix Rabbit: AUGH! YUCK! EWW! God, that SUCKS! I spent my whole life trying to get a taste of this CRAP?! It tastes like CARDBOARD! "Orangey-orange" my butt!!!!!

He gags, and then dies.

Ian: Wow. That was sad.

Silent Jim nods.

Cole: He was a good miner, and a good friend. He will always be remembered.

John: Of course he will- as the first, and grandest, martyr of La Resistance.

Randall: Makes you wonder- who’s next?

Silence.

Ian: Hey, Randall, why don’t you kill the mood of victory a bit more, huh?

Randall: … Sorry…

John: Are you two done?

They nod.

John: Good. Then I think we should get on to the solemn business of- PARTYING!

La Resistancers: WHOO HOO!

As they begin to celebrate (and the Trix Rabbit’s body is rolled off stage), Ili comes up to John.

Ili: That was a great victory, huh? Good thing somebody spotted them in time!

John: Yeah, really!

Ili: Yep, I’m really glad someone saw those Tri-Leaders before it was too late!

John: We would have been dead for sure!

Ili: Whoever did that, boy, they must really be an important and irreplaceable member of this organization, huh?

John: Well of course!

Ili nods proudly.

John: I mean, where would we be without me?

Ili frowns.

Ili: … What?

John: Well, you know, if I weren’t here, with my hawk-like vision, they would have caught us unawares! And that would have sucked! …And we wouldn’t have a leader…

Ili: You… you… you… GRRRRRRRRRRR AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!

John cowers.

John: Er, is something wrong?

Ili: Oh no! Nothing! Nothing’s wrong, John! Nothing gets by you, does it?

John: …Well, no, I guess not…

Ili stares at him in disbelief, and looks like she’s about to strangle him, but then groans in frustration and storms offstage. John blinks, then shrugs and goes to join the party.

Katherine (still duct taped to the chair): Hey, can someone loosen this tape? I want to party too! I won't castrate and kill you all- honest! Pleeeeeeaaaaaase? I’m just an innocent little girl! Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase…

All of the lights go off, and the noises of celebration quiet down. A single spotlight illuminates Dark Shadow, leaning against the Barricade, arms folded over his chest.

Dark Shadow: They got lucky, that’s all. Really damn lucky. Oh, but don’t worry, they’ll fail eventually. And if not…

He pauses, and then pushes himself off of the Barricade, so that he is standing completely in the spotlight.

Dark Shadow: And if they don’t screw up on their own, I’m sure I can help them along. And that’s a promise. Just wait, folks, just wait…

The spotlight fades off and for a moment the stage is dark. And then, low and cold, Dark Shadow chuckles.



Curtain drops.