Katherine: So, you guys still feeling the imminent doom, huh?  The overbearing knowledge that some of you- maybe even you- are not going to walk away from this one?  Feeling... DEPRESSED?!

Ian: Yo, you need to calm down!  And I've got something riiiiiiiight here to help you!  Doogie snacks!

Katherine: I'm a D.A.R.E. graduate!  I say "no" to drugs!

Ian: Yo!  Silent Jim worked as a D.A.R.E. officer once!  ... But then they found out he hung out with me. 

Silent Jim shrugs.

Katherine: Okay, I know you're much too stoned to comprehend any of this, but you're going to lose today.  I mean, come on!  Just because you were able to easily repel the Tri-Leaders, and are much better fortified and equipped and planned, and just because... oh forget it.  Can I have some lackeys when you guys take over the world?  I mean, I am John's daughter!

Ian: I thought the plan was to lock you away somewhere without anything sharp... you know, so you don't, like, castrate people.

Katherine: How's this- let me out of this chair or I'll do it myself, and when I escape, I'll take your pitiful excuse for manhood with me.  I saw when you streaked in Carnegie Hall, you know.

Ian: And you didn't turn to stone?!

Katherine: I saw it through a mirror, it just put me into a coma- like the basilisk in Chamber of Secrets.

Ian: Yo!  Jan reads me that book before bed!  It's sort of a turn on- maybe all that stuff about big snakes-

Silent Jim whacks him upside the head.

Ian: Ow!  Hey, you're as much to blame!  You gave her the book!

Katherine: Can you guys, like, stand over... there.  Far, far away from me.  Especially you, Ian.

Ian: Oooooh, and what are you gonna do about it?

Katherine: Come closer and I'll tell you.

Ian comes closer.  Silent Jim tries to warn him, but Ian ignores him.

Katherine: Closer!

Ian leans in closer.  Silent Jim buries his face in his hands.

Katherine: Closer!

Ian leans in really close, and Katherine immediately head butts him in the face.  Ian jerks back, holding his nose.

Ian: SON OF A B****!!!!!!!  OW!

Katherine: Help!  Help!  Ian tried to make a pass at me!

Ian: What?!  No I didn't!

Ili: Ian, you horny creep!

Jan: It was bad enough you followed her with the spy camera- now you've got her emotionally scarred!

Ian: She told me to come closer!

Katherine: He asked if I was tired!

Jan: Um... are you?

Katherine: Apparently, because I've been running through his mind all  day!

Ian: Yo!  I did not say that!  Lunch box, back me up on this!

Silent Jim stifles a laugh and then shrugs helplessly.

Jan: Don't be scared by his corny pick-up lines, dear.  You didn't get the worst of them.  (In a mock Ian voice) "If I told you you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

Ian: Hey!  That was clever!

Ili: Oh, and how about this gem- "Hey, baby is that a mirror in your pocket?  'Cause I can see myself in your pants!"  What a loser!

Ian: You girls just can't appreciate my art!

Jan: Whatever you say, Mr. "If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?"

Ian growls, and walks over to center stage, and a spotlight focuses in on him. (the others stay on)

Ian:

When little perverts know

When little perverts fight

Sure we may like porno,

But we've got some bite!

So never  kick the dog,

Because he's watching smut!

'Cause we'll fight like twenty armies

And we won't give up!

So you'd better run for cover

When the pervs grow up!

He sticks his tongue out at Jan, Ili and Katherine, and then goes over to help play with his squirt gun (GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!  PERVERTS!).  Silent Jim follows.

Jan: And I have to deal with that twenty four/seven.

Ili: Maybe you should start actually sleeping in your own room.

Jan: But what's the fun in that?

Ili: And what's the fun  in Ian's room?

... Oops.

Jan (slyly):  Well...

Ili, Katherine, and all of the La Resistancers: OH GOD, SHUT UP!!!!

Jan shrugs, and grins innocently.  Okay, well, maybe not innocently.  She winks at Ian, and he waggles his eyebrows.

All: BLECH!

They go about their business, as Dark Shadow enters, shadily.  He is carrying a knapsack over his back, and creeps around while the others are too busy working, towards the other side of the stage.  He is just about there, when he passes Katherine.

Katherine: GOING SOMEWHERE?

Dark Shadow jumps about ten feet, and then rounds on Katherine.

Dark Shadow (whispering):  Don't do that!

Katherine (not whispering): Hey, it's just that it looked like you were leaving, so-

Dark Shadow: SHH!  Shut up!  I'm going to- um, join the Tri-Leaders!  Yes!  I'm defecting!

Katherine: Good, then you won't have any problem freeing me.

Dark Shadow: Well, um... you see, it would be dangerous for two of us to try to escape, especially you...

Katherine: BUT I REALLY WAN-

Dark Shadow  covers her mouth.

Dark Shadow: SHH!  All right, all right, you can come!  Just let me cut the tape off...

He is about to free Katherine, when John enters.

John: Good morning, everyone!  Viva La Resistance!

La Resistancers: Viva La Resistance!

Dark Shadow (to Katherine): Well, I guess we'll both be hanging around...

The Barricade set turns, so that we only see the Tri-Leader side.  They are all already there, gathered around Roses, who, for some reason, is wearing a Napoleon-esque hat- with the plume and all.  Roseidous still looks sullen.

Roses: Well, I know I already made a speech like this before, but I guess this really is it- the big, defining, final conflict, so I didn't think you guys would mind.  So anyway: let's beat John!

Holli: ... And?

Roses: That was it.  I was going to do the speech from Henry the Fifth, but, well, I already almost did that.  But, listen, if you want a pep talk, here you go- we've gone up against John dozens of times before this-

Tails: Five.

Roses: ...Really?  It's got to be more than that...

Tails: Well, there was the first Saga, then the second Saga, and then the Wedding, and then the Newlywed Game, and then the Boardie Convention, but that was half in another dimension, so that doesn't really count. So, um, four.

Ann: Hey!  We had a tough time at the Boardie Convention!  It counts!

Holli: And there were tons of times that simply haven't been documented in an RPG or saga!

Tails: But to our audience- that makes five.

Roses: Okay, fine, whatever.  We've gone up against John five documented times before this, and despite how tough everything got, we still ended up on top, right?  I mean, we're the Tri-Leaders!  We survived the Delete All button!  We escaped every danger of Clyattville... and Roser's hair!  We even survived the switch to Ezboard!

All: GASP!

Roses: I'm not going to say that we're invincible- especially now.  But if we go down, we go down knowing that we stood and did something great here today- we looked in the face of the odds and laughed.  Heck, we looked in the face of the odds and threw cookies at it!

Tyrael: Preach it, reverend!

Roses: And so, if we are defeated today, be at least a little bit heartened that we were defeated together- as one!  So, what I'm trying to say is, whatever comes- good luck. 

Everyone looks at Roseidous.

Roseidous: What?  Do you expect me to suddenly come out of my depression and get rowdy, just because we're about to make a hopeless last stand?

All: ... Yes.

Roseidous: Oh!  Well, in that case- John better watch out, because my hair is gelled and I'm ready to kick some La Resistance hiney!

The others cheer, and the set turns, and as the La Resistance side begins to be revealed, the audience hears John.  (The Barricade stops so that the stage is divided in two)

John: And here it is- at last, at long last the moment of victory!  We are strong, we are many and we are invincible!  Today the whole world will see the full extent of our power, and when this day is over, and the Tri-Leaders are shattered memories, all will bow down to us and they shall call me GOD!!!  It is time, at last, to make our final stand!  It is time to rule!!!!

La Resistancers: VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!!!

John (grinning evilly): Let's go.

The La Resistancers get to their battle stations, while the Tri-Leaders and a pathetically small band of Super Model Clones form up out front.

John:  This is it!  This is it!!!

Roses: This is it!

John climbs up on top of the Barricade, standing triumphantly over his enemies when, suddenly, the music starts up.

John: What the- hey!  There isn't a musical number now!

Voices (offstage):
Do you hear the Boardies sing?

Singing the songs of angry men?

It is the music of some Boardies

Who will not be banned again!

John: It couldn't be...

The La Resistancers get out of their battle stations, and everyone on both sides turn and look- as the Morphz Boardies, with Jeff at their head, march in from behind the Tri-Leaders!

Jeff: Viva La Counter-Resistance!

The Boardies and Tri-Leaders cheer.

John: Hey!  You can't do that!  We're La Resistance!

Jeff: Well, tough strudel!

John: Tough stru- hey, wait a second!  FIRE!!!

The La Resistancers open fire, but the Boardies put up a shield of pure negative energy and deflect the squirt gun shots!  After a few moments, the La Resistancers stop, confused, except for John, Ian, Cole and Ili, who keep shooting regardless.

John: FIRE!  FIRE!!!

Jeff: Boardies- CHARGE!!!

The Boardies surge forwards, straight for the Barricade!

Boardie #1: Insensitive jerks!  You HATE me!  Well, you'll hate me more after this!!

Boardie #2: STOP BEING SO #$&^ING OFFENSIVE, YOU #*&$ING DUMB #$@&!!!!!!!!!!!

Boardie #3: u guys r like sooo gay im gonna open it up on you coz im a tuff guy!

Boardie #4: If there's one thing I agree with everyone here on- it's that you need a good, old-fashioned ass whupping!

Boardie #5: Amen, brother!

Boardie #6: What they said.

Boardie #7: Viva La THIS, losers!!!

They barrage the Barricade with a heavy fire of smilies and emoticons that smoke and wear hats and sunglasses!  Occasionally, boardies will pick each other up and whack their comrades against the Barricade- but it's all in good natured warfare!  Meanwhile, the Tri-Leaders and Jeff stand a bit off from the battle.

Roses: So what finally made you decide to get involved?

Jeff: Well, I started thinking- this is my board, and, therefore, it's my responsibility.  Besides, all of the boardies wanted to bunk at my house until the board was open again and, well, I like having all of my walls in one piece.

Roses: Well, either way, thanks!

Jeff: No problem.  And now, I'll go prepare Phase Two! 

He exits.

Ann: "Phase Two"?

Roses shrugs.

Roseidous: Why are we sitting around here talking when we should be over there keeping the brotha man down?  Come on, you apes, you wanna live forever?!

He charges into the fray, and tries to bite the Barricade.

Roses: "Apes"?

Holli: Must be a StarCraft thing...

Tails: He's got a point though...

Holli: I'll get the rope!

Tails:  I'll get the tape!

Tyrael: I'll run away!

They grab him and drag him over to the Barricade.  Roses and Ann look at each other, shrug, and then join them.

Meanwhile, John is still standing on top of the Barricade.  Now, he tears the flag from the top of the Barricade, and waves it over his head, all the time yelling:

John: FIRE!  FIRE, DAMN IT!  FIRE!!!!!

Suddenly, there is a rumble of thunder and a flash of lightning. Everyone stops fighting. A trap door opens up, and someone slowly rises into center stage, amid lots of smoke. It is Jeff, in full Michael Jackson garb, including the signature single glove and, of course, a wig.  Music begins to play, and everyone watches in fear and awe as Jeff begins to dance.

Roses: Oh... dear... God...

Jeff:

Ann: Dear God! He’s moon walking!

Roseidous: You said he couldn’t do it, Roses! You said!

John: I’m scared…

Jeff:

They're out to get you

Cole: How can we fight something so powerful?!

John: Don’t panic! We’ll get through this some- GAH! He grabbed his crotch!

Tyrael: "Funky strong"?

Tails: Silence! Don’t incur his wrath!

Jeff:

Just beat it!

Holli: This is strangely… entertaining…

Tyrael: In a scary, Stephen King kind of way…

Tails: I'm never going to sleep again...

Jeff:
Just beat it!

Who's wrong or right!

Just beat it!

There is a brief awed silence, as Jeff stands in pose. Then, with a loud creak, the Barricade collapses.  The La Resistancers scamper away as it falls, but John, standing on top, falls through and the whole thing collapses on top of him.  The La Resistancers all back away, standing at the end of the stage.  Dark Shadow dusts himself off, and then stands apart from the others.  Katherine spits out some dust and glares.  After the dust clears, John crawls out, coughing, and rubbing his head.

Katherine: Hey, guys, a little help here?

John: Oooooh...

He falls down, on top of the flag.  Jeff nods proudly.

All: Wow.

Jeff: All in a day's work!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make sure this never happens again, and put this costume away-

Tyrael: Forever?  Please?

Jeff: Perhaps, Tyrael.  Perhaps.  But, for now, bye!

He leaves, and the Boardies follow him, occasionally shoving each other.  When they are gone, John sits up and rubs his head. 

John: Ooooh, owies...

Roses: Hi, John!

John looks up at the Tri-Leaders and pales.

John: No. 

He struggles to his feet, occasionally grabbing his head from the pain.

John: No!  NO!  This is NOT the way this is supposed to be!  THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!!!!  I WON!  I WON!!!!!  I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET THIS!  JUST YOU WAIT!!!!!

Roses becomes increasingly annoyed as John rants, and finally snaps.

Roses: Cheese and crackers John- give it a rest already!!!

Roses :
Shut up, John!
Shut up,John!
For God's sake
John, shut up!

All other Tri-Leaders :
Shut up, John!
Shut up, John!
For God's sake,
John, shut up!

Ann :
Someone outta throw him in the coal mines!

Roses :
This time we've agreed.
We've heard it John, please.
We fought the war,
And this time for sure, you lose!

Roseidous :
Someone outta throw him in the coal mines!

John :
I won't quit!
Not yet!
Not until I rule the world!

Holli :
Someone outta throw him in the coal mines!

John :
I won't quit!

Tri-Leaders :
Shut up, John!

John :
Not until I rule the world!

Tails :
Someone outta throw him in the coal mines!

Roses :
No, no, no!
Didn't work before
It's not the cure.
He knows he lost the war,
This time for sure, I hope.

John :
I won't quit!

Roses :
Not the coal mines this time.

John :
I won't quit!

Tri-Leaders :
Oh for God's sake,
John, shut up!

John : Consider yourselves fortunate that you have such a worthy opponent. No one else would tolerate you!

Tri-Leaders :
John, you're a bore.
We've heard this before.
Now for God's sake,
John, shut up!

John :
I won't quit!
Not yet!
Not until I rule the world!

Tyrael :
Someone outta throw him in the coal mines!

John :
I won't quit!

Tri-Leaders :
Shut up, John!

John :
Not until I rule the world!

Roses cracks her whip.

Roses : Would you just SHUT UP!

John finally falls silent and stares at her.

Roses: There!  Now I feel much better!

John: I am a threat!  I am!! 

Roses: Whatever you say, John. But you know what? You really aren't a threat. We won't throw you in the coal mines. You're not even good enough to go there. Someone get Katherine.

Holli and Tails walk over to where Katherine is, and carefully, painlessly remove the tape.

Katherine: Thanks!  I was about ready to start chewing through that stuff!

Tails: ... Do I have to show you the duct tape safety video again?

Katherine: Oh, never mind...

Roses:  Now, let's go home!

Ann: Hold on a second- hey!  Coal boys!  Time to go!

Cole: Vile Tri-Leader!  You can't force us back into slavery!  COLE HAMEE FREE OR DEAD!!!!!

Ann: Want to talk to Vinnie about that?

Cole: ... Coal Mines, here we come!  But, hey, at least we're still alive!

All the lights go off, except a single spotlight over Goober.  He stares up into it for a second, and then shrugs.

Goober: Good enough!

The lights come back on and the Coal Miners walk over behind the Tri-Leaders, and then exit, humming "Look Down."

John:  You can't leave!  I didn't tell you you could!  You can't!!

Roses: Bye bye, John!

Ann: See you around!font>