Outtakes!



Act 1, Scene 1



Grand Maestro Julia steps up onto the podium in the orchestra pit. She can hear the murmur of voices from the audience in the sold-out theater. She glances at her watch, then raises her conductor’s baton. After pausing, she lowers her arm in a dramatic arch to start the show. The baton flies out of her hand a nails a flutist right between the eyes.
Julia: Okay, who greased my baton?!
John: *giggles evily*


A long line of dirty coal miners enters the stage from the left. They are chained together, and carry various types of mining equipment. John, Lord of Darkness, is in the line. John stops mid-stage as the coal miners continue on.
John: CUT!


Vinnie enters from the right and struts down the stage like he's on a runway.


Mine Workers :
Murry screams every day,
"You have to work for lunch!!"
Look down, look down,
Or suffer Bubba's Bad Touch.
Murry floats in from the left. Bubba follows him. Both are grinning. Bubba's beak is suspiciously black.
Ann: Bubba! Have you been eating the coal again?
Roses: Cut!

Roses : Now bring the prisoners over here!
Ann : Time for lunch, never fear!
Roseidous : You know what that means.
Holli : mumble, mumble beer!
Roses: Cut!
Holli: What? It rhymes with fear.


Roses : Okay, Vinnie, what's the report for the day?
Vinnie (shadily): Coal gathering has increased twenty percent, we got a new
shipment of rope in, and these fishnets are riding up!
Roses : Good, good, and too much information!


Vinnie and Billy Jo throw John out. He lands near the front of the stage and falls into the orchestra pit.
Julia: (shaking baton threateningly) John! Stay out of my orchestra pit!
John: Eep!


He pauses and grabs his head in realization.
John : Sweet Lordy! They don't think I'm a threat anymore!
My blood runs cold! My memories have just been sold!
Angel is the centerfold!




Act 1, Scene 2



John : Fine, you were right or whatever- Dark Shadow! What have you been up to?
Dark Shadow : NOTHING!!! I haven't been up to anything! Honest!
He notices he's still holding Burger King crown and shoves it into his cloak. When his hand comes out, it's holding a white rabbit.
Dark Shadow: Ta da!
All: ...
Dark Shadow: I hate you all.


Leroy : Excellent work, m'lord.
He procedes to do a happy dance.
John: Cut! Leroy, don't ever do that in front of people again.


John : Now! Since I am now sure- um, as I always was!- that the Tri-Leaders consider me a threat, we must make a new plan!
Ili: Like what? Make an ultra-addictive video game, while flying around on the back of your black dragon Bob, eating Bon-Bons and watching the in-flight movies starring Brad Pitt, and oh curses I forgot my lines but maybe if I keep talking no one will notice and we'll finally get through this scene today?
John : Um...yeah?


Ian : Mallrats?
John : No.
Ili : Chasing Amy?
John : No.
Jan : Dogma?
John: No.
Ian : Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back?
John : No.
Roses: Cut!




Act 1, Scene 3



Ann and Roses are standing on a fairly busy street in front of an obviously fake grocery store. They look towards stage right.
Ann :
I smell fire, smell it in the air.
Ian jumps onstage and fires a blast from his flamethrower.
Ian : Did somebody say fire?
Roses : Cut!


She walks over to John, who is doing a somersault, and kicks him in the leg. John falls and lands on his face.
John : Ow! Who dares to defy my Somersault of Sinister...ness!
Katherine (striking a pose): It is I, the Great Sexy Spy! Here to right wrongs and triumph over evil! With my cement cat Chester, we will rid the world of crime!
John : ...
Katherine : Sorry, wrong play.


Dark Shadow : Having her assassinate someone is the only way- no traitor will assassinate their own friends. At the very least have her kill that Fitey girl!
Ili (fists clenched, looking down at table): There is no Fitey anymore okay? She's gone! FOREVER!!!!! NOW STOP OBSESSING OVER IT!!!!!!! RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
All stare at Ili in shocked silence.
Katherine : You've called the MIWC! Run for your lives!


John: Ahem, anyway... what's the news?
Ian: Let's hear it for the boy!
Let's give the boy a haaaaaand!
Let's hear it for my baby
You know you've gotta understaaaaaaand!
He may be no Romeo
But he's my lovin' one man show
Oh Oh Oh Ooooooooh!
Let's hear it for the boy!
All: ...
Ian: Um... $&%*!


Ili takes out a sandwich.
Ili : Well, good luck with the figurehead. But now I'm hungry!
She looks lovingly at the sandwich.
Ili : Where have you been all my life?
John's eyes widen as Ili raises the sandwich to her mouth. He runs over and snatches it from her just before she takes a bite.
John : Bwahaha! Lunchtime!


We see the stage, with the La Resistancers singing. Suddenly, something explodes in the background. Everyone ducks for cover and then all yell, simultaneously "AAAANN!"
Ann (from off stage): "Ted did it!"
All: "TEEED!"
Some Guy: "Sorry!"





Act 1, Scene 4



The left half of the stage is a room full of computer screens and various other, flashing, electronic things. A soft ticking can be heard, gradually growing in volume. Suddenly, the ticking stops and in a glorious explosion, the whole thing blows up.
Ann (from under the debris): It really wasn't me this time!


Roses goes out on the porch and hangs off of a post, like they do in the movies. Her hand slips, she falls off of the cabin porch, and lands on her face on the stage. Ian starts laughing hysterically while Silent Jim goes to help her up.
Roses: Cut!



The left side of the stage lights up again to reveal another cabin where the computers were. Tyrael is sitting inside alone, on his bed.
Tyrael (looks around): Oh! I'd better get some clothes on!


Roseidous lounges on a couch as a clone feeds him something from a plate. The doorbell rings.
Roseidous: Ah! Ann and Roses are here! Let them in, and then go fix a nice bubble bath, will you? Put Sally in there, too.
Clone (pouting): You love that blow-up doll more than you love me!
Roseidous : ......cut!




Act 1, Scene 5



Vinnie is standing guard, occasionally pulling at his fishnet stockings. Ian and Silent Jim are hiding behind some trees off to stage right.
Ian: Dude, she's hot!
Silent Jim puts his face in his hand and shakes his head pityingly.


Miner: I guess he sent you to talk to me then, huh? I’m the unofficial representative for the miners.
Ian: Yeah, I guess you’re our guy. What’s your name?
Miner: Bond. James Bond.


He walks around them, looking them over.
Ian: Good...good...good...go-hey! Is that the Lucky Charms leprechaun?!
Lucky: Ha HA! You'll never catch me Lucky Charms!
Lucky skips off stage left, cackling all the way.
Ian (looking at directors): We need a new cereal mascot.




Act 1, Scene 6



The tune of "Look Down" plays as three boardies enter.
Boardie #1 : Sigh, I had a really ba--
Boardie #2 : So did I.
Boardie #1 : You always cut me off on that line!
Boardie #2 : Yeah, well it sounded like you were done!
Boardie #1 : Tawdry strumpet!
Boardie #2 : Insipid Oreo-lover!
The two boardies start finghting in what can only be described as middle- school girl style.
John : CUT!
Ian : Awwww


Boardie #1 : Jeff will probably ban me soon- he HATES me!
Boardie #5 : Jeff can't ban anyone! Only God can ban people!
Boardie #4 : Jeff IS God!
All : ...
Boardie #4 : ...was that out loud?


As they sing, a flagpole is raised in the background. Bubba is hugging the flagpole.
Roses : Get the tranquilizer gun!
Bubba : QUACK!


John: "Here we go people! One Day More from the top!"
The cast starts singing "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown."
John: "CUT!"



Act 2, Scene 1



Katherine climbs on top of the statue of the naked woman.
Roses: Katherine! Watch where you put your hands!
John: Cut! I had no problems with that scene, Roses.
Roseidous: Me either.
Roses glares.

The lackeys and miners seem to be carrying around old furniture and junk as they enter and exit the stage from various sides.
Goober : AHHH! SNAKE! THERE'S A SNAKE IN THIS TIRE!
Katherine : CWAHAHAHAHA!

John and everyone exit stage right and left. The giant Morphz screen rises to reveal the Tri-Leaders still sitting in the party room. A few clones are harnessed to the front of the platform. Roseidous is dressed as Santa Claus.
Roseidous : On Tyra! On He-
Roses smacks him upside the head.

Roses: Katherine! Good morning! I see you got away from John. What's the news?
Katherine: Well, for one, John is my father.
Everyone gasps.
Tyrael: Ewwww! He had you while he was...um...
He gets out a calculator.
Tyrael: ...5?!

The projector screen rises and all the Tri-Leaders are sitting on the floor, playing Kill Doctor Lucky.
Tails: Ha! Got him with the Civil War Cannon!



Act 2, Scene 2



One of the cabins from the woods sits on stage right. It has been transformed into a nice suburban house. The room is decorated with a couch, a TV, and a computer desk. There is a (fake) flower garden around the porch. Inside, a lone tree grows from the middle of the floor. A mysterious boy with a chicken duct taped to his chest is tied to it.
Mystery Person: Help!
Holli and Tails: (giggle)

Mystery Person: Who are all of you people?
Ann: I have a better question. You are Jeff, aren’t you? I mean, that’s what our sources tell us. And they’re never wrong. Well, except for that one time in Budapest. (laughing) Woo, that was a mess! We had to use half our treasury for bribes! Al Broker wasn't happy abou that one! Do you remember that, Roses? ...Roses?
Roses (looking suspicious): Have you been drinking the punch?
Ann: (giggles and falls over) I'll never tell!



Act 2, Scene 3



Roses: Okay, here we go...
She raises a megaphone.
Roseidous: No wait! Let me!
Roses (exchanging looks with Ann): Oh, why not.
She hands Roseidous the megaphone.
Roseidous: Everybooooday!
Rock your booooday!
Everyboooday, rock your boday right!
Tri-Leaders're back, all right!!
All: ...
Ann: I'm not even going to go into how many ways that was wrong.

Roses: At least he hasn’t done any "Yo Momma" jokes-
John: And Ann’s momma is so ugly, they’re thinking of moving Halloween to her birthday!
Ann: Actually, her birthday IS Halloween.
John: Oh

The stage lights come on. John is talking to the Trix Rabbit as everyone else goes about their business.
Trix Rabbit: ...and then I'll poison the cereal, and all the kids will turn into newts! MWAHAHAHAHA!
The Trix Rabbit jumps as he realizes the lights are on him.
Trix Rabbit: Um...not that there's anything wrong with newts.

The Associates aren’t do much better- Vic has been frozen, and Bubba is just running around. In circles. Quacking. He eventually gets to the Barricade and climbs it. His little eyes gleam as he comes beak-to-face with Goober.
Goober: Bubba Bad Touch! BUBBA BAD TOUCH!

Ili: Whoever did that, boy, they must really be an important and irreplaceable member of this organization, huh?
John: Well of course!
Ili nods proudly.
John: I mean, where would we be without my Goddess Fi? With her long, shining hair, worn up or down...
John trails off into incoherence. He's shaking a little and drooling.
Ili pours a bucket of milk over his head.
John (shaking his head): What?



Act 2, Scene 4



The curtain rises, and the Barricade set is turned so that we only see the front. Ili is sitting on an extruding part near the bottom, fishing pole in hand, whistling a merry tune. The pole jerks and she reels in. Tyrael is flopping around at the end of the line.
Ili: That's some good bait!

Roses: Well, tomorrow's another big day. Let's try to get some sleep at least.
Holli: Do we really have to go to sleep now?
Roses: Well, no, I guess not...
Ann: Sleep is for the weak!
Katherine: The teak!
Umar (backstage): The weak!



Act 2, Scene 5



Ian and Silent Jim walk over to Katherine- still a prisoner, of course.
Katherine (to audience): What Ian and Silent Jim don't know is that I'm a master escape artist.
Ian: Yo!
Katherine cackles evily and chases Ian around the stage with a knife. Silent Jim sits in Katherine's chair and calmly reads the newspaper.
Ian: CUT!

John: And here it is- at last, at long last the moment of victory!
We are strong, we are invincible, we are WOMAN!
All: ...
John: That came out wrong...

Suddenly, there is a rumble of thunder and a flash of lightning. Everyone stops fighting. A trap door opens up, and someone slowly rises into center stage, amid lots of smoke. It is Bubba, and he's feeling lonely.
Bubba: QUACK!

John goes and stands at the edge of the stage, right over the orchestra pit. Grand Maestro Julia finally snaps.
Grand Maestro Julia: AWAY FROM MY PIT!
Flipping backwards, she lands on the stage and tackles John. The rest of the cast screams, and Ian starts yelling "OH S***!!!! F***HIM UP!!!!! F*** HIM UP!!!! OH MAN, HE F***ING OWNS YOU!!!!!!"
Roses: CUT!



Act 2, Scene 6



Tyrael pokes Sally with a pin. She doesn't pop. He tries again. Doesn't work. He stabs her repeatedly.
Roseidous: Hey! That's enough!
Tyrael: Cut! I need a new pin!

Roseidous: I know she's here somewhere!
Roses: How could you lose Sally?
Roseidous: I knew I should have put her on a leash!
Roses growls.
Roseidous: Nevermind!