Diary
Ongoing quest for utility looking at things from an economic surplus marxist point of view. I really should get a marxist bluffers guide. Maybe just delve into Capital.
Pillars of wisdom, lawrence of arabia, rationalisations of mania, as severe upspin to avoid a bad situation.
Maybe Irishness and steriotype is a rational to cling to, but take the good and bad take the mistic and the alcoholic.
Warning meta ing out of a situation can leave truisms and pointless ness in its wake to run hard you must be the mouse in the cage.
Am I everyman or Iconic, which truism would show light.. I need a manic twin maybe Eamonn (We are shot out of the same barrel are grouves are the same except where he dislodged me).
Goals, play your game better- or drop into line. Do something, or be another muddler of the human race. More binary thinking.
Ways of constrining manic thinking robocop with lepracy, never thing of yourself as the top node in a network, the nodes are people the network the world, your importance no more than most people and likely to be less- is that the manic voice again, remember Cormacs plea to be a model T ford and not a stop start ferrari.
I want to be mining a seam of knowledge looking for a motherload hence I write these notes to myself, the latest are the most useful.Am I a lterary or mind miner does it all work the same. Maybe all our output is artisic so if one stays close to the line one wigggles along it or you can take a big dive away from the fall line to rush in near the end.

Useful
>Pretend that your reader is lazy, stupid, and mean
Yet I assume the reader is me lazy, stupid and mean but some how in tune with the author. this exercise is to rake over the last week whereas the other exercise was to aggregate over my thoughts. To add weight to what Eamonn would call truism

Worklog
I suppose I keep on posing my problem as a dilema which may be solvable, by constraining solutions to prevent them going manic or having too much of an unstable upside, or unsolvable by attaching solutions to steriotypes of Irishness, or larger issues such as politics or open source vs proprietory software.
My summary would be am I the hare to other peoples tortise who somehow manages to lose lifes race without end, it reminds me of the film the fast and the furious where the youngster turns on his nitrous oxide too soon. There is another quote from that film about how the street car racer only lives for the ten seconds, does the manic live only for the high? [answer no] The question then is what do manic people live for a smouldering high feeling that they have covered the bases for today and can as Eamonn would have it go down to the bar Italia for a drink and a smoke and watch the world go by without any outragious plans entering their head.

The above is no import I should just present the text and cast it adrift, with no prediction of it hiting or missing a mark. Is that my fathers attitude to me?

The full load most interesting bits in bold
30/10/01 10:50:52 if my sparce sx lf holds such attention what potency is there elsewhere if I do not start seeing paranoia everywhere..
30/10/01 10:54:38 so I am fucked and not fucked at the same time see how clever I am at merging the two maps..
30/10/01 12:03:45 commenting on the 5.8 gig hacking log, what commentary on it, what tools to decipher the log what background has the commenter, i suppose destination presument origin port number and ascii text would get someone a fair way .. here I am comparing myself to a b2 bomber in my head must I always think in extreme militatary terms there must be a seam I can sow up a skill not too hideous to be used introverted me strikes again I have hit my limit and spring willingly back
30/10/01 13:07:46 leonora hit by a rock what is the best way to deal with adolescent feelings of rage anger etc
30/10/01 13:10:17 eamonn a fk is a fk
30/10/01 13:25:05 maybe we should be able to make sense or rationalise th past. how do I make sense of cormacs death, he rides the arc back in towards himself until there is no more novelty to pursue that appears worth pursueing
30/10/01 13:30:11 the book shows a hat to wear some stories to see, some contradictory what it ultimately tells me that emotions are not things to be rebased and my sexual reticense is reasonable giving my upbringing but the push for more sex as a man has to be matched by som e reticence from the woman, but woman are no longer like that so my reaction is to push and fumble through an open door whereas I should do more but I end up doing nothing. talk about b2 bombers and stealth at dinner a break from family conversations .. life is a game you play with other people or else it becomes me against the world which I am sure to fail.
30/10/01 13:33:38 I take too much on I should engage on an ongoing basis an outsider role is me I take people as I can. diversity is all remember the dune duke and his concubine helping him .. maybe I cannot survive alone
30/10/01 13:46:21 pornlinks attached to my suggestion for more info
30/10/01 14:23:12 everyone in america is from somewhere else irish americans , afro american, scananvian americans.. my fear is that I cant survive without a pair is this the depression that broke in brians and sean ogs minds, is not getting married young to hide this problem the issue that breaks the next generation of otierneys, reliance on a partner is natural and normal the taunts would sting only if I had no redeeming features. Analysis paralysis
30/10/01 14:34:31 anne has gone she will never be back this is the blues harry potter himself could not bring her back. Cormac is gone his living in pale imitation of himself is all you cling to , see you but upspin or back spin on everything take the wrong angle test to destruction tou are not the get along team yor our the outsider the wing man bursting through the new turf to keep up with the head gull yes I follow but in the next furrow.
30/10/01 14:43:06 analysis paralysis shes gone hes gone the world is dark for a time will te sun rise again, shoulsd it is it blaspheming everything must stop everyuthing has lost its taste its enthusiasm, it is only natureal. there is no breth upon my fact there is nothing even my delusions are just that the illusion of colour in a dream, why were my dreams not more comforting - they are the product of my mind . I cant keep doen for long - I am garfields dog when I pretend I am garfield. double meaning dublicity in everything a soaring schizoid possibility among the ashes why must I cling to it because that is my training to search for solutions to problems it is never enough to share these preoccupations. pa commenting that sometimes that is all there is to do, but the family always seeks diversion never interrigates the soul never questions that there is a god its a truth never breached pascals wager is trumpeted as a post modern way out.
30/10/01 14:49:32 absorbed by melancholie but never really living it, just a manic entrance in dark times
30/10/01 14:56:05 using melancholie search as that is forbidden never going too far into the zone.
30/10/01 15:02:59 MY SCHIZOID SPIN IS ALWAYS POSITIVE MY TRAINING DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO TAKE THE NORMAL VIEW OF THE WORLD so what if scary movies blow up the scary emotions. why take the upside all the time?
30/10/01 15:57:43 so my modifiers are to be allowed Q negative emotions Q and to allow emotions to escape past your shield. Also think about what other people might want to hear from slashdot or breaking news. this will help salve a lot of problems with no downside (unless I habg myself) the smiths have turned into nostalga where can the dark side be driven from .. sex? always look on the downside the bleak side for now you are not garfields dog. this will not help my organisational skills , getting rid of junk tidying up the room etc. but it is a track to a more rounded and available to other people person.
30/10/01 16:16:03 me flitting off on a manic push out into somewhere maybe the best answer is to be in grieving relax look at your lava lamp.
30/10/01 16:18:55 i feel the need to skit off and do stuff , i have nothing to say but feel like saying it communications with another person may help
30/10/01 16:29:32 maybe I do not want to get better I want to be powered by mania all my life and feel myself like a blade slicing up reallity and drilling at any blemish to put it on my good side or my bad side.. or maybe the alternative is to have a way of scoring and making my delusions visible and explicit like in my book maybe a post chapter is in order a meta chapter to describe the box I would keep myself in and how I would be prepared to let my energies escape by setting myself milestones to attainable goals, was applepiesolutions another stretch goal? maybe the milestones are only about direction not achievement, as unless I ride the beast my achievements are few, there needs to be some pixie dust to make me flow or is that an illusion/delusion.Be part of this team.
30/10/01 16:32:04 then there were stories/illusions.delusions about my father not being able to ride the beast
30/10/01 17:08:02 unable to take the downside he builds a little possible upside spin world for himself. socialism or death (wanted socialism) med wanted notoriety , could not handle woman wanting him/being out of control at work maybe competing two ideas woman and work, no it does not quiet fit but it is an interresting premise so the upside spin on possible outlooks is enough to make you brittle as as it is destroted by religious like knowledge another plausible upside spin view has to be manufactured in its place, like somone whos fingures are beinf released one by one from a climbing frame and they are unsure if their fingures (delusions) any of they will hold as there is nothing to fall back on one is using the finger replacing as the way forward you are dragging yourself to a place of prominance even though the premise is false, and removeable, its an act of antigravity developing new plausible premises to keep onself up, it is kind of like a stockmarket that can not bear the bear market, aleays looking for rationals to make its high valuation seem reasonable.
30/10/01 17:12:13 this will make no sence in 24hrs time
30/10/01 17:16:23 the idea is one is trying to upside all the time but the spin works and the company or a woman or whatever over values you so you keep looking for more upside, knowing that you are over valued woman too good, work about to go bad, you have a plausable upside explanation but it is brittle it is like an over rated dot com looking for a bigger upside to justify itself rather than having to deal with a bear market or downside. it is like a gambler on a roll who keeps betting when he is over the odds as the game of like does not end and he cant believe his own propaganda.
30/10/01 17:16:49 this too will pass but it is a good rationalisation
30/10/01 17:53:14 added complication is there a god is that the nail you hang yourself on. if there is a god this else this and you end up on a small island of certainty in a rising sea of doubt or else you imagine a big island of knowledge and wonder why your feet or wet, but my theses is you know the spin you create the spin so see your deflated self, you know the rationalisations though fanciful are getting less likely you are about to be torn from the climbing frame the real life is you burst your bouble.
30/10/01 17:57:51 tara making no effort to move out of my way as i slink around pillars she probably thinks it is good for me.. is it.. no it is avoiding conversation with the world, the world is full of people who are soft objects the hardness comes from machines.. this is shite but I just wanted to note taras lack of motion in my log I suppose the simplicity makes her life simple and makes her go further.
30/10/01 18:00:12 alternative she does this to everyone. likely which will my delusional mind cling to , I knonw what it clung to last time this time the answer is she is cruel to be kind and I am just onother car wreck. Maybe the view of reality is the suicidal.
30/10/01 18:27:06 its all bollocks
30/10/01 18:42:29 its just an idea a hat the problem is this kind of bracing delusion is just the kind of thing that gives you the strength to be high the difference is will I be able to get up in the morning.
30/10/01 18:47:31 looking for ideas to ground myself in what do I want to believe, what will make me stronger, work better know more things about life live more in the open, be open to more ideas, do I need a car ?
30/10/01 18:50:23 I need to be gounded in my own culture lite of billy bragg u2 and the proclaimers for them to have the depth tho stretch me and the surface to define me. to see what is there and the difference is there may be a god there may not be its ok keep in communication of your peer group you have to let go of parents and dislike of them. i have no religion and i dont know whats what.
30/10/01 18:52:51 looking to hear voices , ridiculour voices, looking for events to punctuate your delusions or nail your colours to your mast because nothing is forever and most things do not even float.
30/10/01 19:00:42 the surprising thing is how much popular culture clings with your analysis
30/10/01 19:20:53 pre july going outside my role and evangelising the workbench pre christmas lots of snowball networking and a
31/10/01 11:04:03 there is the problem of later knowledge invalidating earlier knowledge and opinions and the feeling of not getting ones hands dirty with current knowledge.
31/10/01 11:07:46 also there is looking forward to events beyond the horizon meal in belfast, all souls/halloween jds wedding richard reeve London week.
31/10/01 11:14:13 pa not fail safe too ridgid, when th rigigfd
31/10/01 11:50:16 so your saying we see the problems first when describing my robocop with leprocy vision I suppose it is not noticing the log in your own eye when you try to take the splinter out of anothers eye. there is also the build of knowledge over a lifetime is that a manic push and it is normal to meta out and not put over emphasis on what you have seen as you have come to terms with so much that has gone before.
31/10/01 11:56:18 god is a release that we do not have to know everything it is a release is it a manic control freak release that there is something outside ones influence.
31/10/01 12:45:36 maybe meta ing out is the problem one does not see the picture one does not have emotion but I suppose scary movie is taking a manic attack on scary movies
31/10/01 12:46:11 ate chocolate today but I did exercise yesturday
31/10/01 13:01:45 I am still trying to meta out big picture out at least I am not trying to look up but rather helicopter out and look down so I am still constrained by my position but see the map of the world with me an insignificant spec in it running down blind alleys. you have to walkd into the field and f_ck all the cows, or maybe I am bemoning ever scoring again except in a lay up shot to make me happy going back to defence. defender goalie whatever
31/10/01 13:16:12 there are steriotypes everywhere does one embrace them or reenact them blindly what I want is to avoid these negative emotions that are spoiling my work and my life but maybe the answer is to embrace them hence the smiths jackl whoever manically attacks negative emotions. nothing but the thought you (Cormac.. Sarah) would be there two . ambiguity is all to hold the universises loosely but constrained in ones hand.
31/10/01 13:22:16 my main feeling is of being overwhelmed, would going to a 3 day week help..
31/10/01 13:34:13 nobody gets it or do they get it and value it a 2 . Well its better than 1 I suppose scale goes from 1 dross to 5 interesting.
31/10/01 14:16:14 when did he stop adding to the discussion, or just rake over old memories, when I was 10 15 20 25 or 30 and yet I do not forsee me being a father I am too needy too much of a child myself, when and how to grow must be the question
31/10/01 14:31:38 done play word games with turloch from dermot , how else do you hone your view of truth and ambiguoty
31/10/01 14:56:54 one hangs onto the problems to keep one down]
31/10/01 15:01:17 kiss one avoids the down side by spinning the upside on everything and keeps adding new input to your spin giving new inout more and more religious importance. what is the worst downside that there is no god that people are not happy most of the time? one gets a lift out of non strained conversation with people as ones spin is grounded to someone elses reality but when they start reflecting your delusions your delusion are fed and grow faster. It is like a dot com overrating its share price and dropping out of the sky or a kid on the playground excited by nearly falling off until all its fingers are pulled off the handhold.
31/10/01 15:18:14 everyone has been ther is it just a question of missing my adolescence not knowing how to grow and set my own limits keep trying to over reach myself. my previous story was like an animal growing too big for its shell and having to learn to make your new cage big enough to last longer and not grow into it too fast. all these are just stories the truth is superposition or the truth is ambiguoty or the truth is I wanto play the aware group to my tune.
31/10/01 15:24:05 not open to chance not handling the downside not gambling
31/10/01 15:24:40 ferrari joke and vauxhall nova
31/10/01 15:32:35 constraining to all things irish is that constraint a hinderence i have covetted things unirish so I have come around to be a steriotype a leprocon a northener in order to know what hymm sheat I am using I must realise there are downsides to irish ness war in the north amnesia of the north in the south.
31/10/01 16:21:19 throwing up a blowup of ideas the answer is to hold the line lightly not heavily like your like (style) depended on it. adolescence lord of the flies the fact that dad and mum would not let you into adult world I cant even remembering much about growing up except maybe going to france and playing cards
31/10/01 16:35:57 Im just trying to make a bigger broader coallision to stop my mind breaking through the downside approaching. maybe messing up our web sites was what messed stuff up for us , maybe everything should be on a website so aspergers can leach off others
31/10/01 16:55:13 so much randomness mixed up through sport so many 50 50 tosses you are goinf to end up in the middle and have the thrill of victory and defeat at whatever level you reach.
31/10/01 17:17:40 ate some chocolate
31/10/01 17:18:41 maybe its trying to make sense of everything control freakery that blows you up and bursts you
31/10/01 17:36:36 its in u2 songs and they whinge better than i do though perhaps i have had more practice though I have only really whinged in the last year surprised anne put up with it but she did not seem to mind my endless circling banter. do I show her my document I should not she has moved far on I am stuck in a need to talk to verbalise to emote to experience. pissing her off but maybe that was my taboo not to piss people off one of many taboo city some blown up prickly fish never attacking build for defense . de fens falling down.
31/10/01 17:49:18 the old story about people express emotion do they feel it any more than everyman
01/11/01 10:55:04 robocop with lepracy go home if necessary
01/11/01 11:26:28 dermot showed me some optical tricks
01/11/01 11:43:10 I remember mission impossible before of wanting it so much as to normalise my schizo world it was just a little thing i thoght I could control other people by but obviously I could not. shit happens or does not happen coincedences happen and if you are looking for them they can seldom be predicted but some coincidence can happen it is like shapes in your eyes or dreams its rarely what you really want and if you figure it out it flips to another dream or another reality a bit manic hey..
01/11/01 11:45:23 rubic cube generation followed by copmuter generation what was it before the cube the chopper the hula hoop, the space race, the tv, or maybe we are the media the tv in your room generation. o shut up and work pick a different problem
01/11/01 14:35:59 options on meeting problems , meta out or delve in, or ignore.
01/11/01 14:58:51 austrian woman joking about waking people up outside getting th joke and running too far with it .. well why not it is part of ones recent shared experience (only shared experience).
01/11/01 16:19:21 editors could be heavier with bigger files, simple gui extentions to the windows experiment.
01/11/01 18:30:11 people who talk about much drinking are confusing cause and effect. sosueme bar.
02/11/01 11:07:25 idleness was always frowned upon in the otierney household one always needed to be foinf something non of th looking at the birds and the bees who do not sow cloth etc. funny looking at the wasp and the butterfly last week.
02/11/01 11:10:01 using emacs one core emacs and budding off other ones that use much resources
02/11/01 13:57:09 why are my thoughts turning in on myself rather than moving out over the possible , why am I using old queues to reinforce my mind maybe I need the truely random to hold my attention, maybe I need channelling into work
02/11/01 14:31:00 bad shave this morning
02/11/01 14:42:32 am I trying to wear off my rough edges to do with sloth and sadness and frightening movies
02/11/01 14:54:45 focus on people communication and mistakes like that haslem haslam thing a bit of a goof but emails get redirected and bounced every day.
02/11/01 15:15:59 barry very openly on the phone and me confusing openly with available. yes good quote I confuse open with available.
02/11/01 17:25:50 why was brian considered the jester and not I, did he take on a role that I could not grow into
02/11/01 18:06:22 i suppose I cannot live off my hands so I might fall back on the state the state is like open source constantly pushing us towars work and constantly taking boring repetitive work away.
05/11/01 10:40:30 not being allowed to be sick
05/11/01 11:09:12 I wonder at other peoples coping manors and find mine elusive. I underestimat people while feeling I am overestimated
05/11/01 11:40:41 what is good, what is worthwhile? learn what may be used again or codify what you are already using.. notes and squirrels , monkeys and fragels, star trek.
05/11/01 13:12:27 why not have a referendum every n years and non sectarian party politics the rest of the time
05/11/01 13:13:35 daniels answer it would not work, does it work in the south of ireland ff and fg
05/11/01 13:15:17 metaing out of the conversation was not tried I had no argument left
05/11/01 13:43:32 does music train the listener for further music , do the classics cds only make sence in collusion with other classics cds.
05/11/01 13:48:54 staying alive will see some questions answered or postponed the us view of the world is it really so parocqial? the irsish view of the world looking forward to or dreading unification. if we no longer have an anti british chip on our shoulder what will define us, or maybe nations building is an exercise for the reader maybe we are all from a town or from a parish maybe I should sell up and go north if I get my shit together in getting to gripps with open source projects.
05/11/01 13:50:02 basically consider the open source world as the company within which I can bricolour up more end user stuff
05/11/01 13:51:01 getting to gripps with open source stuff is my deus ex machinea
05/11/01 14:25:08 everyone manuevers so they do not have to make hard decisions
05/11/01 14:40:27 benifit in kind payed up to october 2000
05/11/01 15:02:57 i am just ashamed at not being good at stuff . is that the crux I am the proprietory software that seeks to stay ahead of the common game whereas the reality is I will be trampled by the middle pack as they rub off each other and i try to stand alone like a newborn deer separating from its mother.
05/11/01 15:10:05 ive forgotten what i started fighting for. now it is just survival and I look at distance marks to give perspective even when I am dying in local quicksand
05/11/01 15:27:02 am I only allowed to be creative in my summaries of my scientific endevours in this way have I rescued my creative energies from the abuss throen them down the black hole that is the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake where I should have been bridgeing relms of knowledge, emulating croud scenes playing games woeking on ecomomicas and sociolofy by defining systems with great attractors.
05/11/01 15:40:48 phases everything is a game, its a sign, everything is a negociation (as the game payoffs to different participants are unknown), its all abount communication , its all about emotion and reading and responding to body language, its all about survival of the fittest and evolution, why , why , why, its all about how you were brought up, its all about the north (no its no but it can be reduced to that as the proto argument that does not resolve, its all about stuff that cannot be resolved it is better to have failed fighting against enormous odds than starve to death because you have no tin openner. Or do you bring your battering ram against small things, which still may get you.
05/11/01 15:52:07 bin ladan wanted dead or alive, do I just want to be wanted to be puffed up by my self importance.. i did not get 1st in northern ireland in any subject I suppose I was just trying to rebase all to deliver a message and rebase the commections, I remember the old idea was to throw a pitch in such away that you were not sure if the batter was going left or right, to pitch a question and not know are even prefer either side its like dragging an unknowable bitstream out one 50 50 toss at a time and giving a preference for an outcome destroys you as then they have a wedge a thin lever that they can make long enough to move your world when you do want to react to change one small bit at a time and to embrace a chunk of change is to put yourself out of control like a scary movie. out of control was a previous and future theme, I must think I am not failsafe like somhow if I melt down such damage will be done but all that will happen is that I will wake up in gaol or in hospital or (worse :) ) back in my own bed.
05/11/01 15:56:18 uf rob would only document what he learnet we would have a site dripping with information
05/11/01 16:21:37 my use of the second emacs and the others is almost like stem cell stuff
05/11/01 16:39:07 maybe I just want to take notes and follow the journey there must be a blogger on the subject it would be like a scrapyard challenge
05/11/01 16:58:20 so on slashdot ibm launch a free ide as part of their open source community development, and some msc student writes about the linux distributed network effects , and also of note software schedules which is probably of most note to me as a software developer.
05/11/01 17:27:15 software metrics implement in milestones, and ask the developers what time should be taken and see how there estimates match up as the tasks move forward.
05/11/01 17:56:19 why keep watching slashdot for news that could be useful in the future remember to keep yourself focussed. it may be your wish to make yourseld better in the future and your managers rational to get the most work out of you now my mission is to review each days comments and start the dayly coment with double ds and the weekly comment with double w in that way I should have a reasoned commentary on tips ans techniques. restrict slashdotting to ten minutes before lunch
05/11/01 17:57:45 memories of barbara t her renault 5 and with red straps on her metro
05/11/01 18:16:41 sarah neale was something I could never understand barbara was my real conquest and that being spiritual was as I could have expected, mountains of mourne and all that jazz
05/11/01 18:21:10 is this wool gathering keeping my psyche inorder to prepare it for the next storn to anneal it to strength, but to build up defenses is that a rational is that a move forward. my life is not a straight 8 line, or is it even a collection of jaggged stories it is me trying to build up to something when there is nothing
05/11/01 18:41:53 I dont want another wall of words to digest I want a short story not the full nine yards , I dont want to see or be seen wallowing in it life continues to be a struggle but I want somewhere to look up the dilemas in like a list of the options not have all the controls up to my face its like I am leaning to fly when all I am used to is pushhing these keyboard buttons.
05/11/01 18:48:03 DDWW good memories of barbare even her shrinking behind joe. Lots of thoughts better mellow a bit
05/11/01 19:10:59 should put into explicit place my thought quaranteen cant significantly improve my wealth or fame I suppose the only way that could happen if other people wealth fame or knowledge could be increased but there is the thought of making explicit what might other wise be washed away. the problem is to understand a mind is to understand all of it the shrinks overview is not complete when the narrative can spin in many directions, by seeing the bigger picture he she solves nothing . talk is cheap, but my grandious plan limiter is interresting if only that i know my mind will work away around it. my desire is ti be like everyone else, but then my manic me would trumpet this as a goal to be everyone else laid bear so that the rationalising and argument that goes into each decision can be laid bear.
 

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