Special Edition
Random Crap
Editor: Kass!!!
Ahh... I know what you’re thinking. What is this madness?
Why are we getting another random crap? I don’t think I can take all the joy!
But don’t implode, please contain yourselves. I know its
miraculous.
Enjoy!
This issue is dedicated to
you news, but not just the news. This will hence forth be known as
IGNORANCE IN THE WORLD
AWARDS
Please,
stop your applause. I know, it’s fantastic. Now,
control yourselves while we get started.
The first award is Hazards of the Job
Ashi Terfa died when patient Umaa Akor fired a gun at his head
two weeks ago in south-central
"Akor went for an insurance against bullets and contacted Terfa to prepare it for him," he said.
"To confirm its
efficacy, the herbalist tied the charm around his neck and insisted that Akor should fire a gun at him. The experiment
proved fatal for the herbalist and his skull was shattered," he added.
"He died immediately".
Fakeye
said the suspect had appeared in court for culpable homicide, but had been release
on bail.
"The
motive to kill could not be established against the suspect since the herbalist
asked him to shoot to test the charm," he added.
The
belief in witchcraft and charms is rife in
Host:
Well, I guess the charm didn’t work too well. I hope he gets his money back.
Celebrity
Guest: Yes Host, it’s defiantly back to the drawing board.
(Host
and Celevrity Guest Laugh, then stop suddenly)
Host:
Moving on… Our next award is
The
EWWWW….. AWARD
FRANKFURT, Germany -
German supermodel Heidi Klum is expecting her first
child with Flavio Briatore,
managing director of Renault's Formula One team, Klum
said Tuesday.
Klum, 30, and Briatore, 53, have been
together for about a year.
"I will take a
short maternity leave," Klum told reporters after
the presentation of her new fashion collection in the northern port city of
She declined to say
when the baby was due or whether she already knew the sex of the child.
"It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy," Klum
said.
In an interview with
the Weld am Sonntag weekly earlier this year, the
model had expressed her desire to become a mother and have "two or three
children."
Klum, who has appeared in Sports Illustrated magazine's
swimsuit issue, separated last November from her husband of five
Host: Need
I say “Heidi, vhat vere you
sinking?”
Celebrity
Guest: Heidi, baby, what were u doing? There are some good looking older men
out there dahling! Unfortunately, this is not one of
them. Figure it out, and call me!
Host: I
knew love was blind, but not this blind!
(Host and
Celebrity guest laugh heartily, and stop suddenly)
Host: OK,
now. Our next award took a lot of time and consideration, but we finally came
to a conclusion.
The One Trip
you DON’T Want to Take
Geisha Tours have organised the one-week cruise -- a first in
Nudity will be the
order of the day -- except in the restaurant (news
- web
sites).
The crew of the
Flamenco cruise ship will also remain attired for the jaunt around several
Mediterranean ports as far as the Corsican
Just cuz I wanna
gross you out!
Host:
Umm…. Yeah… This one is also known as the “double eww… award”. It’s also put a whole new spin on the limbo
contest.
Celebrity
Guest: Who wants to see naked, Spanish, tourists??? I mean seriously. That’s
five years on the couch right there.
Host:
And you would know, how?
Celebrity
Guest: Trust me, some things are better left on the
ship.
Host:
Don’t want to know. Our Final Award in the Normal Categories is
The
More expensive Than Disney World Award
NEW YORK (Reuters) -
Two Americans have won the go-ahead to become the next tourists in space, and
two more spots for a Russian rocket trip to the International Space Station (news
- web
sites) are now on the market, the U.S. firm selling the spots said on
Tuesday.
Two thrill-seeking
civilians, whose names are still being withheld, have agreed to shell out $20
million each for separate eight- to 10-day trips into orbit.
These two space
tourists won't be the first --
Two more seats are up
for sale, locking up all the spots available on Russian Soyuz rockets through
2007, according to Space Adventures, a private
When the upcoming
launches were announced in June, about a dozen people had undergone medical
tests for the two available flights and paid certain fees.
The successful
candidates were picked largely because they pitched unique mission objectives,
Space Adventures President and Chief Executive Eric Anderson said.
One of the two is a
38-year-old male
One of the space
tourists will launch in the third quarter of 2004, and the other sometime in
2005. Space Adventures expected their names to be revealed sometime in January.
Most of the $20 million
per-ticket cost goes to building the Soyuz rockets, which are not reusable. But
the cash also helps boost
Russia's Soyuz craft is
currently the only working (news
- web
sites) link to the International Space Station, after the February crash of
the Columbia space shuttle grounded NASA (news
- web
sites)'s shuttle fleet.
Host:
And space tourism begins!
Host:
And now, the award you have all been waiting for…
*drum roll*
BIGGEST
FLOP EVER
VATICAN CITY (Reuters)
- Pope John Paul (news
- web
sites) has seen Mel Gibson (news)'s
controversial film "The Passion" about Christ's final hours and was
moved by it, a Vatican (news
- web
sites) source said Thursday.
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|
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He said the pope saw
the film with his long-time Polish secretary, Archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz, about 10 days ago.
The source also
confirmed reports that the pope told his secretary after viewing the film:
"It is as it was," meaning he considered it an authentic portrayal of
Gospel accounts of the last hours in Christ's life.
The movie, which covers
the final 12 hours in the life of Jesus Christ, has come under fire from some
Jewish groups who fear its story could foment anti-Semitism because it portrays
Jewish authorities as largely responsible for Christ's death.
But Catholic and other
Christian groups, as well as biblical scholars, have defended the film, saying
it sticks closely to accounts of the crucifixion as told in the New Testament.
The film, which is due
to be released in February, has been shown to a select audience of Catholic
officials in several private screenings in recent weeks. The 83-year-old pope
viewed the film on a video monitor in his apartments, the source said.
Abraham H. Foxman,
"The pope has a
record and history of sensitivity to the Jewish community and has a clear moral
voice and understanding when it comes to anti-Semitism," Foxman said.
"We hope that Mel
Gibson has heard our concerns and those of Christian and Jewish scholars and
religious leaders, who expressed unease about the earlier version... and its potential to fuel, rationalize and legitimize
anti-Semitism," he said.
Many
"I loved it and it
is not anti-Semitic," Father Augustine Di Noia, a senior official in the
Asked if the film was
as violent as has been reported, Di Noia said: "It not just violent, it's brutal."
Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos, head of the
Vatican department in charge of priests, liked it so much he said in September:
"I would gladly trade some of the homilies that I have given about the
passion of Christ for even a few of the scenes of his film."
Gibson paid $20 million
to $25 million of his own money to make the movie, but despite his status as a
top box office draw and Oscar winner,
The film is based on
Gospel narratives and contains dialogue only in Latin, Hebrew and Aramaic, the
vernacular of ancient
Gibson is a member of a
traditionalist Roman Catholic group that rejects some of the reforms of the
Second Vatican Council and still uses the old-style
Host:
Why this movie is going to suck.
Ø The Pope likes it
Ø It’s not in English
Ø Its about Jesus
Ø The Pope likes it
Ø No one would sponsor it; Mel Gibson had to
pay for it himself.
Ø The Pope likes it
Celerity
Guest: What are you thinking Mel? Are you trying to lose money? If so,
it’s working.
Well
ladies and gentlemen. I hope you all enjoyed this special edition random crap.
I’ll see you on the other side!