This whole fucking homepage is really here because of my vanity.
I hate the way I continue to try to find pictures of myself doing things that scare the shit of of myself just so I can get an extreme photo gallery of me looking like I'm really enjoying myself. It's fucking pathetic and as much as I accept the reasons for me doing it I'm going to continue to fill this page with self-loving shit.
THIS section is intended to acknowledge the hypocrisy which saturates so much of my life its here to highlight my full understanding of the implications of whatever point I'm trying to make for myself.
For example, my belief in solipsism. (Here, I have to mention that there is a very definite point in this next paragraph that I would interrupt anyone trying to explain it to myself and question there motives...Please read it and then question whether you entirely believe your own standpoint)
I feel that without ANY neutral point of referance to base any fact or opinion one is left solely with oneself for critisism, support, justification or companionship. The biological, sociological base for all our knowledge must be respected but to be a subordinate to your own limitations and propensities is a greater crime still.
I believe that if I want to pierce through that wall enough, I will. whether I run at it and knock myself unconsious is irrelevant because if I believe enough then I can fool myself. I might end up in a mental institute lying in bed believing I'm flying but who's to tell me any different. To me there is no difference between someone telling you you opinion on racism is wrong or your belief that you are Napoleon is wrong. It is a matter of degree of course but the underlying principle of the matter is that the only thing that you can ever know, trust is your own mind.
I watched a program on National Geographic about Marathon Monks who take their bodies to the very extremes of physical endurance. Starving themselves to the point of death in order to remind themselves in their sheltered (maslow fullfilled) lives that they are not indistructable, that they are subject to the same physiological limitations and needs that we all are.
To seperate myself from the physical contraints of the body is mearly a means to achieve imortality. It is as pathetic as beilieve in God but because I have found a more obscure branch of escapism I feel it is more justifiable.
The media mocks me...films like the matrix and dark city. I am merely conforming to a steriotype that makes me so much easier to pidgenhole and in doing so my cries are ignored.
This page is an ego trip, I purposefully dug out all of the families photo albums and found the pictures of all my most daring activities so my page would make me look impressive. The oppertuinites I have been given by my parents have allowed me this sence of selfimportance and self belief. Of course I can be THE CENTER OF MY OWN UNIVERSE because I have been educated through my upbringing to believe that I can achieve anything I put my mind to. But the restraints on the drive of men are equal whether they be financial, physical or psychological. Can they be overcome...only through the belief that these bodily ties are breakable. That I am something seperate and more. Is it intelligence that has allowed me to overcome these, the most all encompasing obsticles, or my intelligence which has found a way round them.
Can I blame a theif for taking material possesions without also blaming myself for not using the advantages I have been given for greater moral good. It seems abhorant to me to judge a man using the middleclass judicial system as the yard stick with which to measure his crime. Yes he could have choose not to steal but you could choose to spend your money on helping people who are living in a position where they feel a need to steal. If you'd spent your money on the system then it wouldn't create Morlocks to prey on the selfish luxeries you 'own'. All of the things we find so dear are as fragile as we make them. Is it right to value life as preciously as the material possesions which we only own through life through the oppertuinities that made us who we are with the drive to achieve them what made it possible for us to live. A roll of the fucking dice? Anthropic principle.


Ive spent a few years now not really progressing, resitting the same year at University over and over again. I dont know whether I can justify what Ive done. I dont think Ive been solving the worlds problems or making a stand for ethics or philosophy. I didnt read anymore about these things than I could have done in my own spare time outside of University those years.
I sometimes got so entangled in the abstract issues I was reading about that I convinced myself of my own superiority.
If I want to fly I can fly. Reality is a concept. If I believe anything enough I can achieve it. I need to starve myself. Anything is possible because the mind is bound by nothing. Reality is the only thing binding your conciousness. Withdraw from reality. I need to starve myself. Believe so strongly in something that it becomes a reality. People can never reach into your mind, they may call you insane but if you believe that you are flying, whether you are 'really' in a psyche ward tied to the bed, if you believe you are flying what does it matter. I need to starve myself.

In the province of the mind what one believes to be true, either is true or becomes true within certain limits. These limits are to be found experimentally and experientially. When so found these limits turn out to be further beliefs to be transcended. In the province of the mind there are no limits. -- Dr. John Lilly

And then we have protection of the innocent. Shouldn't we protect the insane from making that withdrawal. From disassociating themselves from Reality. And how far do you take that protection, stop people beliving in racism, in god.
The thought police are just around the corner.

I wanted this page to be hidden better, to be avaliable to only those people who dug around, dont know why..might be embarrasment, might be another example of how pathetically cliched I enjoy my life being. My message in a bottle. Sending out an SOS. Cry for help. Nirvana spawned bullshit.

Fuck it.

Wasn't that poetic?