The discovery of a cache ZPMs on an uninhabited world had given the Atlantis Exploration Team a much needed furlough from the city back to Earth. They'd divided into two teams so the city wouldn't be abandoned, but everyone could get home.Standing in the control room of the SGC, watching as the second team returned from their furlough and started loading their gear and supplies onto the transports they would take through the stargate, newly-promoted Lt. Colonel John Sheppard frowned. Everyone on the team had been required to return to Cheyenne Mountain the day before, in order to leave for Atlantis today. Counting heads, he realized a member of the team was missing.
"Something wrong, John?"
Looking over at Samantha Carter, now his equal in rank - John was still wondering how the hell General O'Neill pushed through John's promotion, given the black marks on his service record - John nodded. "I'm missing a member of my team. Everyone was on base last night, I checked."
"Afraid you might have to hunt down stragglers?" Carter asked with amusement.
"You never know who might decide to go out and get drunk the night before they have to report back," John pointed out. Elizabeth's tale of having to track down a very hung over Dr. Kavanagh on the last night of their furlough had been funny, but John had taken the warning for what it was, and made sure his group was on base.
"Colonel Sheppard, can I have a word with you?"
John turned to see General O'Neill on the staircase up to the SGC's main briefing room. "Aye, sir," he replied. "Keep an eye on them for me?" he asked Carter as he left to follow the general.
"Will do," Carter replied. "Ninety minutes until Atlantis is expecting you," she called after him as he took the stairs two at a time.
The general was waiting in his office. "Close the door and have a seat," O'Neill ordered. Once John was seated, O'Neill sighed. "One of your team tendered his resignation to the Director of Homeworld Security yesterday morning."
John blinked, completely unprepared for that news. "Who?"
"Dr. Carson Beckett."
That threw John for a loop. Several, actually. Carson was the last person he would have expected to quit the team. John knew there had been bets on Kavanuagh resigning. Dr. O'Connor had left, but only because her sister and brother in law had been killed in a car accident while O'Connor was on Atlantis, and she was the last living relative her three nieces had. Family took priority, John understood that.
"Did he say why?" John finally asked, wondering if maybe something had happened with Carson's mother.
"Officially, Dr. Beckett resigned because of personal obligations here on Earth. He also mentioned being offered a position as the head of research at the University of Edinburgh's hospital," the general replied. "He seems to think that's better than working in the Pegasus Galaxy."
"And unofficially?" John knew there had to be more.
The general's mouth quirked. "I asked him yesterday why he was really leaving. He told me, and I quote, that he was a medical doctor, not a fighter pilot, or a soldier, or a human power switch, or any of the other non-medical things he'd been required to do while on Atlantis. He feels there are enough people with the Ancient gene that he's not needed, given the new personnel that went back with Dr. Weir's team, and Dr. Silverman is more than qualified to be Atlantis' chief medical officer."
John rubbed his hands over his eyes and sighed. "In other words, Carson's fed up with us."
O'Neill nodded. "I've read the mission report Dr. Weir gave me. It seems that despite the number of people, both military and civilian, having the gene, Dr. Beckett is called to do more than almost everyone but yourself and Dr. McKay."
"We trust him," John said, a bit lamely, he knew. But he wasn't sure that there was any better reason than that.
"Yeah, well, all that trust has pretty much left a sour taste in the doctor's mouth." O'Neill leaned back in his chair. "He's still in his temp quarters on base. I convinced him to stay until your team had left. Told him that you'd probably want to talk to him, and you'd probably delay the team until you got a chance." The general rose, and John got up as well. "You've got just over an hour, Colonel. Good luck."
John straightened and saluted, waiting for the general to salute back before he headed out for Carson's quarters.
Carson's door was ajar, the doctor himself lying on the bed, one arm behind his head, the other holding open a book. His left leg was raised up so the book could rest on it. Carson was in civilian clothing - khaki slacks and a white shirt. He looked up as John pushed the door open farther. "Major," he said. "Sorry. Colonel. What can I do for you?"
"You can pack your gear and get into uniform. We're leaving in," John made a show of looking at his watch, "seventy minutes."
Carson didn't move, his eyes going back to his book. "Then you'd best get back to the gate room, Colonel. I'm sure some of the civilians need to be wrangled into believing they've got everything."
"I'm wrangling a recalcitrant civilian right now." John leaned again the doorjamb, arms folded across his chest.
Carson removed his hand from behind his head to turn a page. "General Hammond accepted my resignation. I was only here to pick up personal items that I'd left on base when General O'Neill asked me to stick around."
John moved into the room. Idly, he noticed that Carson was reading Macbeth. "What do you think Dr. Weir's going to think when you don't return?"
"Dr. Zelenka has notes from me for everyone back on base. Even you, Colonel." Carson was still looking at the book, although John couldn't tell if he was reading or not.
"I'd like to hear it from you," John said quietly, coming to stand at the edge of the bed, his hands in the pockets of his uniform pants.
"I'm sure General O'Neill told you - I was offered a position at the University of Edinburgh. I decided to take it."
"He also said that you were tired of being forced to do just about anything on Atlantis except be a doctor."
"That, too," Carson replied equably. "The gene is a blessing and a curse, Colonel, as I'm sure you well know. I've done my part to help save humanity. As I told General Hammond, I'm perfectly willing to continue to help out here on Earth, but I'm not returning to Atlantis."
"Carson, we need you on Atlantis," John said urgently, checking his watch. One hour until they were due back.
"No, Colonel Sheppard, you don't need me." Carson turned another page. "Anyone with the ATA gene will do. In fact, since there's a few more Marine and Air Force personnel going who have the gene, they'll be better suited for your needs against the Wraith."
"Carson --" John began again.
Carson sighed, putting his book face down on the bed, but otherwise not moving. "Colonel. For the last time, no. I am not going back to Atlantis."
"Surely there's got to be something about your time on Atlantis that you enjoyed," John exclaimed, still unsure as to why he was trying to convince someone whose mind was pretty much made up. He chalked it up to having been teamed with Rodney for so long.
"Oh, aye, working with the equipment, meeting the Athosians and others, helping the people in the Pegasus galaxy - that I enjoyed. Getting roped into playing soldier, playing fighter pilot, getting dragged into dark corridors simply to turn on equipment or lights, that's not quite what I signed up for when I was asked to join the original Antarctic expedition, or even the Atlantis expedition."
"Come on, Doc, you had to suspect that you might have been called upon to do more than just bandage scientists and help other humans."
"Taking lives was never part of the agreement, Colonel. That's what you and the rest of the military were for," Carson sighed.
John looked at Carson, seeing the determination in the Scotsman's face. "Is there anything I can do to change your mind, Carson?" he asked quietly.
Carson closed his eyes, sighing again. "Honestly, Colonel, I don't know."
John nodded and turned back to the door, checking his watch again. Fifty minutes. Shutting the door, he quietly flipped the lock before turning and leaning against the cool metal. "What about us?" he asked bluntly.
Carson opened his eyes. "What 'us', Colonel? You made that clear from the beginning. Physical relationship only, and no displays outside either of our quarters, lest you lose the respect of your military colleagues, or Dr. Weir. I won't tell you I didn't enjoy it, but now that you're a Lieutenant Colonel, with more personnel, I doubt you'll have time for me anyway." Carson looked away. "I don't like sneaking around, Colonel. It's not worth it."
"Carson," John nearly whispered, taken aback by the man's confession. He'd never said anything about this while they were together on Atlantis.
"John, please," Carson said, finally using his given name. "My mind's made up. I'm not going back to Atlantis. I can't be that Carson Beckett anymore."
Searching Carson's eyes, John finally nodded. Nothing was going to change the other man's mind. "Good luck, then," he said, genuinely wishing Carson well. "We'll still be there if you change your mind."
Carson nodded. John could feel Carson watching him as he turned and unlocked the door. The feeling didn't go away until the door was shut behind him.
Fifty-five minutes later, John was the last member of the expedition team still in the gate room. He stood on the platform in front of the stargate, staring at the event horizon. He turned to salute General O'Neill where the man stood in the control room, receiving a salute in return. Behind the general he saw Carson, still in civilian clothing, watching him. He raised a hand in farewell to the doctor, and received a small wave in return.
Two steps, and he was past the event horizon, two more and he was back on Atlantis, hearing the stargate shut down behind him. Elizabeth, Aiden, and Rodney stood in front of him. "Welcome home, Colonel," Elizabeth said, beaming. He returned the greeting, although something seemed off about the city.
Later that night, alone in his quarters, John Sheppard finally realized why the city no longer felt like home. And he cursed himself for being an idiot in not staying behind on Earth, with the one person who had made Atlantis feel like home to him.