Once upon a time, in a far away land, a young lieutenant lived in a shining starship....
The young lieutenant loved his home, for it was nice and shiny, and went to many places with new people. And sometimes, if this lieutenant were lucky, the Captain, the big strong manly ruler of the starship, would let the young lieutenant blow things up, which was his favorite thing to do.
One day, though, the young lieutenant was sad, for there were no new people to meet and nothing to blow up, meaning that he wasn't having any fun. The Captain, being the captain, had noticed how sad the lieutenant was, and resolved to make him smile.
The Captain thought and thought, for he wanted to make the lieutenant smile. He consulted with the Aloof Science Officer, the Calmly Competent Communications Ensign, and the Strong Silent Navigation Ensign, but they could not find him new people to meet or things for the young lieutenant to blow up.
The Captain was getting desperate, for he could not find anything to make the young lieutenant smile. The Cheerful Chief Engineer's suggestion of serving the lieutenant's favorite food barely elicited a twitch of the lips, and the Captain didn't want to think about the suggestions from the Doctor with the Really Wide and Frightening Smile.
Finally, needing to see the young lieutenant smile again, the Captain turned to his Most Trusted and Faithful Advisor, and received advice that seemed unlikely to cause a smile, but the captain was at the end of his non-animal metaphor rope!
The Captain thought and thought about the advice from his Most Trusted and Faithful Advisor, and decided that he did not have anything to lose by trying. So he gathered his courage and went to see the sad young lieutenant.
The Captain faced the sad young lieutenant, afraid to follow the advice, but he knew he had to see the smile, so he leaned forward, his face close to the lieutenant's.....
....and licked his cheek in a doggy type kiss.
The lieutenant was stunned, staring at the Captain, who suddenly felt the need to run.
Without warning, the lieutenant threw his head back and laughed, a large smile on his face.
Before the captain could react with his own smile, the young lieutenant had grabbed him and then proceeded to show him just how one properly licked another human. The Captain reminded himself to ensure that his Most Trusted and Faithful Advisor received Extra Cheese for the wonderful advice he had given.
And the Captain and the Young Lieutenant lived happily ever after in their shiny starship, meeting new people and blowing things up.