Jondy: Thoughts on a Rainy Day

5 years ago we got out of Manticore, but I seem to re-live that night every time I close my eyes.
Turning to see Max fall through the ice, yelling to her, then hearing the helicopter & seeing its light shining on me, I ran. I should have stayed with her, but I didn’t, I just ran & kept running until I was at least a mile away from Manticore.

That memory burns through all other thoughts, I can be in the greatest mood & then the memory will destroy it. I can be happy & thinking about the greatest things, then the memory comes back to me. I can’t stand not knowing whether or not she escaped, or if maybe she escaped & got caught a few years down the road, I need to know; even if she got out but got killed before she even turned 10, I just need to know. I need to confront Zack, but he will just yell & tell me to drop the subject, to just accept that she may be alive or she may be dead, she may even be in Manticore & just hate us for leaving. He said it to me before, his exact words were “You are a soldier, sometimes there are casualties, sometimes people die, and it’s a risk we all took that night. Max may have gotten out; she may have gotten caught, maybe even shot. If she is out then I will find her. If she is in Manticore then she will be turned against us, & next time she sees us, someone will end up dead”

Zack was always great at showing no emotion, He told me once that if he had to shoot one of us or even kill one of us, he wouldn’t cry, he wouldn’t be upset, & he wouldn’t ever question why he did it.

He really needs to get with the program; he doesn’t seem to get the fact that the rest of us have developed emotions.
He doesn’t want to show emotions though. He still blames himself for what happened to Jack & Eva.
He probably still blames Max for having a seizure that night, if she hadn’t had that seizure, maybe Eva would still be alive.
But I doubt it. Zack & Eva always said that they would take a bullet for one of us.
Either Zack or Eva would have still gotten shot that night, just to make sure that some of us got out.
Eva died trying to help us get out, Zack was taken down while trying to make sure that Max & I got over the fence safely.
I guess what happens, happens. And the past can’t be changed.


I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I can’t until I know whether or not Max got out.
It will have to wait until the next time I see Zack, or maybe a different Manticore escapee who knows whether or not she got out.
But until then these memories are going to haunt me & tear me apart… I just want these thoughts to stop!