Capn Ron has managed to get his Billies playing some sweet bluegrass music.
Defiant ‘Billies Bounce Back From Opening Day Debauchery
It was a resilient ‘Billies team that took the field Wednesday night against their perennial rivals the Anal Chemists. Over the years these teams have traded shots contending for divisional supremacy. But this year the stakes were higher. The memory of a motionless Triple T was fresh in most 'Billies minds, knocked face down in the dirt by a wayward softball in a futile attempt to throw the speedster out at the plate. “I remember thinking he was dead,” Captain Ron recalled after Wednesday’s game. But perhaps this game meant even more to one of the newest ‘Billies this time around. Lisa began her GSA career in the Anal Chemist farm system and parted on less than amicable terms, after an extended contract dispute with the diabolical Chemist manager K9. But it may have turned out that the misfortune of the Chemists has turned into the good fortune of our Hillbillies, and last night Lisa was pumped to prove that the Chemists front office made a grave error.
Allow me to digress…This reporter feels that it is necessary to point out the excellent job done by the ‘Billies front office this off-season. Realizing that they had a team that was only a few pieces short from a complete championship puzzle, the Hillbilly organization went out and signed all their own players, while aggressively adding quality talent from other teams. As well, the team reaped the benefits of their recent strong draft harvest, bringing players up through the system and into key positions on the club. The combination of veteran leadership and new talent was clearly evident last night with both Porn Lover and POPS batting 1000 at the dish. In a league which seems to be driven more and more by dollars and cents, it's refreshing to see an organization who’s main concern is putting a good product on to the field and driving to win a championship. Lord knows that the growing legion of Hillbilly Faithful wants and deserves nothing more.
So on a drier, warmer field, our ‘Billies took to the field to face a familiar adversary. The first inning was efficient for both teams seeing a total of eight batters through the top and bottom. The second was another matter all together. With the ‘Billies still working the kinks out of the much touted 'Moonshine' defense, the Chemists cashed in five in the top of the second. Perhaps the ‘Billies defensive problems can most easily be highlighted by a sky high fly ball to shallow center, only moments after a voice could be heard saying ‘Two deep in right’. According to Bubba Gump, “We had enough time to order a hot dog, eat it and throw down a couple of cold ones before that ball came down” (ed: it should be noted that the bun, hot dog and both beverages in this quote were supplied by the generous support of Presidents Choice). Sadly the ball fell to the earth dead center between five Hillbilly fielders. But the difference between a good team and a championship team is the way in which they handle diversity. In years previous this team may have folded but in the bottom of the second the Hillbillies answered with four runs of their own.
Trailing by just a run our tenacious Hillbillies began giving it their corn-eatin’ best. New ‘Billiette Christina first dove to her right to snare a hard hit grounder up the middle, then with every ounce of will power she managed to crawl off-balance to get the force at second. Not only that, spectators could see, or rather feel, the BIG 'Lumbering' UNIT legging out a ground ball. With bats ablaze and gloves a flashin’, the Hillbilies looked to be in control of this close and often entertaining contest.
But tempers began to flare as these familiar rivals dug in for the final stretch. The Chemists could be heard complaining about many a call, including a fair ball which they judged foul which drove in two ‘Billie runs, the results of video replay were inconclusive. One player suggested that the crazy Hawaiians had actually bribed local officials. ‘That’s preposterous,’ commented the Hustler, ‘that money would have to come out of the beer budget…no chance’. Matters came to a head on a ground ball by Captain Ron. With no apparent play at first Ron took a big turn charging hell bent for second. The only problem was the first baseman standing on the bag. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and a possible brawl was averted.
More controversy ensued after the seventh (and traditionally final) inning. With the home town ‘Billies clinging to a slim lead they charged the field in celebration, only to be notified that on this night nine innings would be played. Here is when our heroes really came of age. This is a team that has traditionally been very capable of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and the familiar creaking of wagon wheels (or was that the sound of bitching come from a voice of old in the dugout?) could be heard in the distance. But instead of buckling under the pressure, this team rose to the occasion, and didn't even need to take to the plate in the bottom of the ninth to notch the very first victory of the season.
As predicted here last week Charlie Brown’s brief contract dispute came to an end allowing him to return to his home in the heart of the Moonshine Defense. The pitching tandem of the Messiah and Bubba Gump continues to put the ‘Billies in a position to run up the score. But perhaps the biggest difference came in the crowd with three young Hillbillies cheering on MOMS, POPS and the Hustler.
The lone sad note of the day was the announcement that newcomer Lauren will be taking an extended leave of absence. This new ‘Billiette has been assigned a pilgrimage to New York. There she will be busy spreading the hysteria which is associated with Hillbillie-mania. By the time she returns to us in August, the largest market in the world will be a sea of orange, electric green, multi-colored fish and palm trees. God speed young Lauren and good luck!
