~MARTHA STEWART CHRISTMAS~
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey, spray paint gold, turn upside down
and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Re-paint entire house snow white with forest green shutters, hand stencil
white stars on shutters and, using snow blower, spray glitter over house
to give it that festive look.
December 4
Re-paint Cistine Chapel Ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim on dining
room ceiling.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses..Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Hand fashion Christmas wreaths from pine branches collected myself
from the Martha Stewart National Forest.
December 8
Decorate home grown Christmas tree with scented candles
handmade from beeswax collected from my backyard bee colony.
December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all
instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends
and loved ones.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge Egg.
December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard, using spring water I bottled myself.
Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand
making snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in Gingerbread House.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires
are shot out at the mall.
December 16
Take the day off..Decide to go into therapy after the holidays.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 18
Make appointment with therapist.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so that each Christmas dinner guest
will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white wash and roll in
confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the
pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir, refill with mulled cider, orange
slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen
engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus
making many people feel less inadequate than they
really are.
December 25
Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and
friends and cross-reference by color and size.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyium.
December 27
Build snowperson in exact likeness of myself.
December 28
Take tree apart, disenfect and reassemble for New Years
Eve party.
December 29
Hand sew 465 quilts ,using 465 material squares
woven by myself.Donate to charity.
December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated
with olive branches, to signify World Peace.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a
friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes
midnight in that country.
January 1, 2000
Appointment with therapist. Re-decorate office during session.
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