Chapter 12

The months seemed to fly by. Each day was a little easier to cope with. But the nights were a different story. Each night I would wake up screaming from these terrible nightmares. Lauren would always come in and take care of me. She made sure that I would fall back to sleep, and then she would stay the night with me. For the longest time, I didn't want to sleep because of the nightmares. But they eventually stopped over the months, as I began to block that part of my life out of my mind. When I first moved, I didn't want to eat or get out of bed. I had lost about 20 pounds since I left home. But luckily, Lauren would force me to eat and get up. She was the one who kept me going.

But there was one good thing that had happened since I had left. I had made a new friend, Stacey. We talked at least once a week and we would get together for lunch sometimes. She also helped me to get out of bed and do something. She had moved into an apartment by herself, but it was too expensive for her. So I convinced her to say with me and Lauren. She agreed and was going to move in about a month later.

Lauren had gotten me a job as a secretary for one of her bosses. He agreed as a favor to her. He paid me very well, considering I had no experience and I hadn't even graduated high school. I was very grateful to him for giving me the job. I liked it a lot and the people I worked with were very nice It also helped to keep me busy, so I didn't have time to mope around.

I began to get used to the fast pace of New York. It was a huge change from Lexington, which was what I wanted. Everything was so much faster and people were so much busier. It was a completely different lifestyle compared to what I had grown up in.

It has been 5 years since I left my home. I couldn't believe that I was actually 23 years old. It felt like just yesterday I was a lost teenager and now here I was, an adult. Still somewhat lost, but I was slowly beginning to find my way.

It was Saturday, Lauren, Stacey, and I were at the mall, as usual. We spent our weekends at the mall.

"Hey guys! Let's go to Sam Goody. I need a new CD," I said.

"Okay," they replied.

We headed into the store and split up. All three of us had very different taste in music, so it was just easier if we split up. After we had been in the store for a while Stacey saw something that caught her eye. While I continued to look around the store.

"Hey Lauren! Come and look at this!" yelled Stacey from across the store.

Lauren walked over to her. Then she looked down at what Stacey was holding.

"Doesn't he look familiar?" asked Stacey.

"Yeah, and so does he," Lauren said, pointing to a guy with short brown hair leaning against a brick wall.

I came up behind them and asked, "What are you two looking at?"

"Oh, some new group called. . .umm. . .the Backstreet Boys," Stacey said.

"Yeah these two guys on the cover look sort of familiar. Here look," Lauren said, as she shoved the CD into my hands.

I stared at the cover for a second and then yelled, "Oh my God!"

"What? Do you recognize them?" asked Stacey.

"It's Kevin and Brian!" I said in disbelief.

"The Kevin and the Brian?" asked Lauren.

"You're best friends in Lexington?" asked Stacey.

"Yes," I said, as I grabbed them and headed towards the check out area.

"Where are we going?" Stacey asked.

"We're going to pay for this and then we're going home to listen this," I said, as I paid for the CD.

"But we're not through shopping," whined Lauren.

"Oh well, you can come back later," I said, as I grabbed my keys out of my purse and headed towards my car.

"Okay Janel. You've got the CD, but how are you going to find out if that's them for sure?" Stacey asked.

"First of all that is them. And second of all, it says inside the CD cover, you retard," I said, while laughing along with Lauren.

"Oh," said Stacey feeling embarrassed.

"Someone was obviously having a blonde moment," I said.

"Hey what are you talking about? Shorty," Stacey asked.

We continued to insult each other on our way home. I drove as quickly as I could. I missed a few stop signs here and there, but no one seemed to mind. I quickly entered our apartment and threw my bags on the couch. Then I headed towards the CD player and popped the CD in. I sat down on the floor waiting to listen to it. I took the CD cover out, while Lauren and Stacey joined me on the floor.

"Hey, who's the cute guy with the dark hair and glasses?" Lauren asked.

"No, the guy with the dark hair and cross is cute," argued Stacey.

"You two are obviously blind. Kevin is the cute one!" I said.

"Well of course, you would think your boyfriend is cute," Stacey said.

"He's not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. You only talk about him 24/7," Stacey said, while Lauren smiled and nodded her head in agreement.

"Whatever," I said wanting to end the subject.

I opened up the book and began to read the thank you notes.

"Lauren. . .um, the guy you like is Howie D., and Stacey. . .I think you like A.J. or otherwise known as Bone," I said.

"Oh yeah, that sounds like your type Stacey, a bad boy," Lauren said.

"Yeah, and Howie sounds exactly like your type. Just by his name, he's probably really sweet, caring, and down-to-earth. Just the way you like," Stacey said.

"So? At least his nickname isn't Bone!" Lauren said, while laughing.

"What's wrong with that? It's a good nickname," Stacey said.

"Yeah, sure it is," Lauren said.

I continued to read the thank you notes. The next one I read was Brian's. It still sounded like the same old Brian. The funny guy, but serious when it came to his religion.

The last one I read was Kevin's. I stared at his picture for the longest time. I still couldn't believe he had made it. I knew that he could, but it was still so amazing to see his face on a CD cover. He hadn't changed much. He was still as handsome as ever. If I closed my eyes, I could still picture him sleeping peacefully in his bed.

After I had finished reading his thank you note, I was in tears. I couldn't believe Papa had died. He died about a year after I had left. I couldn't belive that he could die so suddenly. Kevin must have been devastated. He was so close to his father. He would talk to his father about anything. Whenever he needed advice or help he could always turn to his dad.

"What's the matter? Why are you crying?" asked Lauren.

"Kevin's dad, my Papa, died a year after I left. I can't believe I wasn't there when Kevin needed me the most," I said.

"It's not your fault. You couldn't have known about his death," Stacey said.

"I guess, but I feel terrible," I said.

"Well, why don't you call him," Lauren suggested.

"No, way. He probably hates me. And I can't just pop up in his life because I found out that he's famous," I said.

"Yes, you can. You're not calling him because he's famous. You're calling to make sure he's okay," Lauren said.

"No, and that's final. Let's just listen to the music," I said.

We listened to the whole CD over and over again. I loved it so much. I could always tell when Kevin or Brian sang. But I was upset because Kevin rarely got to sing solos. I knew what a wonderful voice he had and no one could hear it.

Over the next couple of years, the Backstreet Boys became more famous. Whenever I saw them on t.v. I would always record their interview. I also bought as many magazines as I could. The checkout guy would always look at me funny, but I didn't care. I was proud of Kevin and Brian and I didn't care who knew.