Chapter 60

In the morning I woke up to the sun shining through the window. I got up and opened the window to hear the birds chirping. It was going to be a beautiful day. It was the perfect day that my mom would have loved.

I grabbed my clothes and went to take a shower. Once I finished I did my hair and make-up. I walked into our bedroom and Kevin was all ready dressed. I walked up to him and kissed him.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he said.

He finished getting ready and then we went downstairs. Ann was sitting on the couch waiting for us.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"I guess," I replied.

Kevin took my hand and we walked to the truck. The ride to the church was silent. I was trying to keep myself from crying. I knew my mom wanted me to be glad that she was okay. The dream I had the other night gave me a little comfort. But I wasn't sure if it was a dream or I was awake. I couldn't remember. But it made me feel as if though she were all right.

We pulled into the church parking lot and got down. We walked in and Jerry was sitting in the first pew the right. Ann and Kevin went and sat down on the left side while I walked up to the open casket.

I stared at my mom as tears slowly began to fill my eyes. I brushed my hand against her cheek as I began to cry.

Then I sat down next to Kevin and Ann as he held me.

Soon other people began to arrive and pay their respects. Then they went over to Jerry and told him how sorry they were. The priest walked in and he immediately came over to me.

"Janel?" he questioned.

I looked up at him. "Father Carr," I said.

He shook his head yes.

I instantly stood up and hugged him.

He was a good friend of ours and the Richardson's. He had married both couples and baptized all of Ann's children and me. And he was there when Kevin's father died. He had always helped us through the bad times. And been with us in the good times.

"It's good to see you. You've grown so much," he said.

I shook my head yes and then let go. I sat back down next to Kevin while Father Carr walked up to the front of the church.

As he spoke I rested my head on Kevin's shoulder. Then Jerry went up there and gave his eulogy.

As I listened to him I began to understand how much he really did love my mother. He would have traded places if could have. He began to break down and cry in front of everyone. Then he explained to us that she was the only woman he ever loved, and there was no one else like her. My mom was his world. But what I didn't understand, was how he could treat me with such hatred when he had such love for my mom.

He finished and then sat back down crying. Everyone slowly exited the church getting ready to head over to the cemetery.

Kevin kissed me and then we got up. Kevin drove Ann and I to the cemetery. Once we arrived we walked through the lush grass to my mom's headstone. Everyone stood in a circle and prayed. Then they shared a memory of theirs about my mom.

Kevin held me as we stood and listened to their stories.

After a while I couldn't listen to them any longer. I pulled away from Kevin and walked off. I couldn't listen to all of the times that I had missed out on.

I continued to walk until I got to a bench. I sat down and placed my head in my hands. I continued to cry as I realized that I had missed out on everything with my mom.

Then I felt someone place their hand on my head. I looked up to see Lauren.

"Lauren!" I cried.

I stood up and hugged her.

"I came as soon as I could," she said.

"Thank you," I said through tears.

"Ssh, it's okay," she said as we sat down.

She handed me a tissue and I wiped my eyes.

"I'm so glad you're here," I said as I wrapped my arms around her again.

She hugged me tightly as I continued to cry.

"Excuse me. I'd like to talk to my daughter," Jerry said as he came up to us.

Both Lauren and I looked at him.

"Privately," he said.

Lauren looked at me, unsure of whether she should leave or not.

"It's okay," I said.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"All right," she said. She got up and left Jerry and I alone.

Kevin went to go find Janel, when he saw Lauren walking towards him.

"Lauren?" he questioned.

"Hi Kevin," she said.

Then he gave her a hug. "Thank you for coming."

"You're welcome," she said.

"Where's Janel?" Kevin asked as he looked around.

"Over there on the bench, talking to Jerry," she replied.

Kevin looked at Lauren puzzled. "What could he possibly have to say?"

"I don't know," Lauren said as she shook her head.

Jerry stared at me and then sat down on the bench. I moved further away from him.

He looked at me and then placed his hand on mine. I pulled my hand away from his. He seemed to be angered by my reaction.

"Look, I just want to. . .well. . .I want to thank you," he said.

"Thank me for what?" I asked.

"For not telling your mom about what happened," he said as he looked down at the ground.

"You can't say it, can you? You can't admit what you did to me," I said angrily.

He looked up at me.

"Do you understand that you beat and raped me, Jerry. You may have been able to forget once I left, but I couldn't. I've had to live with it everyday of my life," I said furiously.

He continued to stare at me.

"And as for me not telling Mom, I did it for her sake. Not for me and definitely not for you. She would have been completely heart broken. And she didn't need to go through that kind of pain the last few months of her life," I stated.

I stood up and looked at him.

"I have nothing more to say to you, ever," I said. Then I began to walk away.

"Don't leave me alone," he said quietly.

I turned and looked at him. As I saw him sitting there, I felt nothing for him.

"Kevin's waiting for me," I said and then walked away.

As I got closer to Kevin, he came up and hugged me.

"What happened?" Lauren asked.

"Nothing," I said. "It's over with."

I grabbed Kevin and Lauren's hand and we walked back to the truck.

We drove home and I decided that I should take a nap.

"I'm going to go upstairs and take a nap," I said.

"Are you okay?" Lauren asked.

"Yeah, just a little drained," I said.

"Oh okay," she said.

I gave her and Kevin a hug.

"Thank you," I said.

Kevin kissed me and then I walked upstairs.

I just needed time by myself. I felt so many different emotions at the moment.

I laid down and lightly cried myself to sleep.

Kevin and Lauren watched a movie. Then the doorbell rang, so Kevin got up.

He opened the door to see Jerry standing there. Kevin just glared at him.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"No," Kevin stated.

"I need to speak to my daughter," he said.

"She doesn't want to talk to you," Kevin said.

"Fine. Just give her this," Jerry said as he handed Kevin a bag.

Kevin took it and shut the door.

"Who was that?" Lauren asked.

"Jerry," Kevin said.

"What did he want?" I asked as I walked down the stairs.

"To talk to you," Kevin said.

"Doesn't he understand that I don't want anything to do with him?" I questioned. "I just want him to leave me alone."

"He left his for you," Kevin said as he handed me the bag.

I sat down on the couch and opened it. Inside was a photo album. I pulled it out and looked at it. My mom had kept a photo album of my childhood. The last picture that was ever put in their was my prom picture.

Then I gave it to Kevin to look at it. He smiled as he came across one of the pictures.

"Look at the mess we made," Kevin said.

"What happened there?" Lauren questioned.

"It was my birthday, right Kevin?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "And we had a food fight."

"Which you started," I said.

"I did not," he said.

"I distinctively remember getting cake thrown in my face by Mr. Richardson," I said.

Kevin smiled. "I had to. Brian bet me ten bucks that I wouldn't."

I laughed. "I knew Brian had something to do with it."

"Yeah, he did. And then the next thing I knew Brian put ice cream in my hair," Kevin said.

"That's right," I said as I smiled.

"Did you guys get in trouble?" Lauren asked.

"Yeah, we had to clean the entire mess up," I said.

"But it was fun while it lasted," Kevin said as he continued to look through the photo albums.

I got up to throw the bag away when I noticed something was still in there. I reached in and pulled out the porcelain angel I had given my mom.

I threw my bag away and went up to mine and Kevin's room. I wrapped the angel in a shirt of mine, so it would be protected and placed it in our luggage.