Chapter 75

In the morning I woke up and Kevin was snuggled close to me. I pulled away from him and sat up. I sat there watching him sleep. I reached out and placed my hand on his cheek. Then I got up. I grabbed my journal and headphones and walked out. I sat down on my couch and began writing.

Kevin woke up to find himself alone in bed. He sighed and then sat up. He walked down the hall to find Janel. He stopped as he saw her writing. She looked as though she were in her own world.

He walked over to her and sat down on the couch.

As I saw Kevin I quickly closed my journal and set it on the ground. Then I took my headphones off.

"Good morning," Kevin said.

"Morning," I replied.

"How are you feeling? Did you get sick this morning?" Kevin asked as he moved closer to me.

"No, I didn't. I feel fine this morning," I said as I avoided eye contact with him.

"That's good. I was really worried about you and our baby," he said.

He placed his hand on mine as I stared at the ground.

"Why won't you look at me?" Kevin asked, hurt.

I took a deep breath as I looked at him.

"Kevin, I think it's best if you leave," I said as I fought back tears.

Kevin looked at me puzzled. "But. . .," he began.

I placed my finger on his lips. "Let me explain."

Kevin nodded his head okay, for me to continue.

"Kevin. I just need time to think about you and me, our baby, and my future," I said.

"Are you saying that. . .," Kevin began to ask.

"I don't know what I'm saying. I just need some time to think things out," I said.

"But you still love me, right?" Kevin asked.

I stared at Kevin as tears filled my eyes.

"I think it's best if you leave," I repeated.

Kevin's face showed the pain that I had caused with those words.

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Always and forever."

Then he got up and walked out the door.

As soon I as I heard the door shut, I began to cry.

I was so confused. I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore.

Kevin slowly walked down the street heading back to his hotel. It was killing him to see her hurting. She couldn't even tell him that she loved him. She didn't even want to look at him. Kevin just wanted to explain to her how much he loved her. He wanted to keep her by his side forever. But for now he would have to wait.

I got up and grabbed a tissue wiping away my tears. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster. I decided I need to figure what I was gong to do before I went insane from all the thinking.

I picked up the phone and began dialing.

"Hello."

"Hi Howie, it's me Janel."

"Janel, oh it's so good to hear from you. How are you?"

'I'm okay. Um, can you please get Lauren?"

"Sure. Just one second."

Howie pulled away from the phone and yelled, "Lauren! Phone for you!"

"Hold on," she called.

"It's Janel!" Howie said.

Lauren immediately came running to the phone. She sat down and grabbed the phone from Howie.

"Janel? Is that you?!"

"Hi Lauren."

"Oh my god! It is you!" she screamed as she began to cry. "It's so wonderful to hear your voice. I've missed you soooo much."

"I've missed you also."

"What the hell do you think you were doing? Leaving without telling anyone? We were all so scared. Don't you ever do that again!"

"I'm sorry sis, but I had to."

"No you didn't. We were all here for you. I would have done anything for you."

"I know. But I didn't want to deal with it and everyone."

"But you can't just runaway from your problems. You of all people know that sweetie."

"I know I can't. But I couldn't deal with it at the time. After losing my mom, Kevin was the only who understood. And he stuck by my side every time that I needed him. And then when he told me that he had cheated on me, it was just a huge blow to me. The person that I trusted most in the world, had betrayed me."

"But why didn't you talk to someone? Like me or Brian or anyone, instead of just leaving."

"Because I didn't want to talk. For the last few months I had been repeatedly told to talk about it and express what I was feeling. And I just got fed up with talking. I didn't want to hear what he had to say or anyone else for that matter. To me the simplest thing was to forget. Forget the hurt, the pain he caused, our love, him, everything."

"Did you actually think you could forget?"

"I don't know what I was thinking, Lauren! You tell me what you would be thinking if Howie told you that he had cheated on you? I'm sure you wouldn't be thinking straight, right?"

"Okay, I understand what you're saying, but. . ."

"No buts Lauren. You don't know the pain that he caused. He hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me."

"More than Jerry?"

"Yeah, Jerry hurt me. But Kevin was the one person who I trusted the most in my life. I gave him my heart and soul. And then he kind of just threw it back in my face, like I was nothing."

"But he was drunk."

"Are you pleading his case?"

"No. I'm just telling you what I saw. And he was drunk."

"I know, and that makes it worse. You can't just use that as an excuse! I mean that sounds like Jerry. 'Oh, I'm sorry that I raped and beat you, but I was drunk.' There's no fucking way that I'm going to buy that bullshit. Because I know that part of him was still there. He knew what was going on and he didn't bother to stop it."

"Okay, look I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Honestly, I wanted to kick Kevin's ass when he told us what had happened. Especially after he told me that you had left. I think the five of us would have jumped him, but Mr. Mediator wouldn't let us."

I chuckled. "Howie, always trying to be neutral."

"Yeah, lucky for Kevin. Or else we would have hurt the guy, well at least I know that I would have."

"I knew you'd be there for me."

"Always baby sis."

"Oh god, I'm so tired of this constant struggle. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Is it true that you're pregnant?"

"Yeah, three months."

"Are you happy?"

"Oh yes. I've always wanted a child, it's just. . ."

"Kevin. Isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"What was his reaction?"

"Once I told him that it was our child, he was thrilled. I could see his eyes light up at the thought of him being a father."

"But you don't want him to be?"

"I don't know what I want. I'm so confused Lauren," I said as I began crying.

"Oh baby girl, don't cry."

"I wish you were here with me."

"I wish I were too."

"Lauren, what do I do? I'm so lost."

"What do you want to do?"

"That's just it, I don't know what I want."

"Do you love Kevin?"

"What? Why?"

"Just answer me."

I sat there quietly, not responding.

"Don't think about it, just tell me what your heart says."

"Yes. Yes, I still love Kevin."

"Well then, there's your answer."

"Just like that?"

"No, not just like that. But it's a start. I know that you're not going to get over the pain this instant, but you still love Kevin. And I know that the love you and Kevin share is stronger than anything."

"I still love him so much that it hurts. It hurts that I can't be near him, touch him, love him. It also hurts to know that he betrayed my love and trust."

"Sweetie, I know he hurt you so much. But he has also been hurting."

"I doubt it."

"Janel Elizabeth Evans, don't even say that! Of course he has been hurting. He's been so miserable these last couple of months without you. And it killed him not knowing whether you were safe or not. Plus the guys and us girls have been giving him hell. It's tearing him up inside because of what he did to you."

"What are you saying? That I should take him back?"

"Look, part of me still wants to kick his ass for being such a jerk. But on the other hand, I want you to be happy. And I know that he makes you happy. Doesn't he?"

"He's my whole world, along with our baby."

"See now you're speaking from your heart, instead of your mind. You should listen to your heart more often."

"But me and Kevin still have some things to work out."

"Yes you definitely do. But now you know where you want your relationship to go."

"Thank you so much Lauren. You're my lifesaver."

"You're welcome sis. So now what are you going to do?"

"Try and work things out with Kevin."

"That's what I wanted to hear."

"But first I'm going shopping for some clothes. I'm having a little trouble fitting into some of my clothes."

Lauren laughed. "I wish I was there to help you shop. You know we'd never leave the stores until I made sure that you had everything."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well I guess I better let you go, since you're going shopping."

"Yep, lots of fun."

"Hey and if you have any problems with Mr. Richardson, you call me. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'll give him a talking to."

"Thanks Lauren."

"No problem sweetie. Bye, I love you."

"Love you too, bye."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally I had an idea of what I wanted to do. I guess I always knew that I wanted to be with Kevin again. But admitting it to myself was little harder.