Chapter Three - Clarity Through Confusion

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In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent revire
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here  (Sarah McLaughlin - Angel)
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As I walked into Nick's room, a lump rose into my throat as I realized
just
what I was doing.  The words I was going to say in the next few minutes
would change his life forever.  Once they were out, I couldn't take them
back.  We all knew that it would eventually happen, but that didn't make
it
any easier for me.  I was going to be the one to break it to the guys,
because Brian had told me that if he were in their shoes, he'd rather
hear
it from someone he loved and cared about rather than from a doctor, a
total
stranger.

Nick woke up, and it was then that I realized it - he already knew -
or at least guessed.  Best friends have a special connection, and when
it's
gone, you know it.

He bit his lip and, for a minute, I thought he was going to cry.  I
expected him to; but he regained his composure.  Later he told me he
thought he had to be strong for me.

"When?" he asked, and I told him.  I sat next to him on the edge of
the bed, looking at him as it soaked in.  His tangled, silky blond
hair hung in his blue eyes, so much like Brian's, as he hung his head
and silent tears streamed down his sunburnt cheeks.  I put my arms around

him and let him cry into my shoulder.  Strangely enough, I didn't cry
with
him.  It felt so weird, knowing I should be crying, but not.

"Nick, we gotta go tell everyone else," I whispered in his ear.
He nodded and stood up.

"I thought I prepared myself," he said quietly.  "I thought I knew
when.  I wanted to be there."

I put my arm around him and we headed downstairs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that day, after talking to the guys and my best friends, I went
back into my room and sat down on my bed.  I knew I shouldn't have been
alone, but I was in too much shock to really think about anything except
how
I was going to live my life without Brian.  My eye caught a framed
picture
of Brian and me at our senior prom.  I looked away, tears filling my eyes

for the first time.  I turned on the radio to take my mind off it, only
to
find "I'll Never Break Your Heart" playing.  I listened to it for awhile,

the harmonies filling my room and the sweet sounds of Brian's voice
echoing
in my ears.

"But Brian," I said out loud, and mostly to myself, "yes, you did.
You broke my heart."
I knew it would be a risk to love him.  I could have broken off the
relationship when I found out.  But I couldn't do that to him.  I
couldn't
leave him when he needed me the most.
"Now I need you, but you aren't here.  You promised you'd never leave me,

but you have," I whispered into thin air.  I could still hear his voice,
only hours ago.  Was it only hours?  It seemed like a lifetime.

~*Flashback*~

"Don't leave me.  Not now."
"I will never leave you, baby.  I'll always be with you.  I love you."
"I love you too, my Baby Duck."

~*End flashback*~

"Love is always a risk," Howie once said.  I could never figure out
what that meant until now.  It was never more clear to me.
I turned the radio off, buried my face in my pillow, and cried until I
didn't have any tears left.