Chapter 3
Mutha: Hey, come here, little mouse. I think you're mine. You all look so much alike these days.
Squeaky #6: I'm here, Mutha!
Mutha: Quickly, go to Periwinkle Hall in Edoras and warn the President of the oncoming traffic of orcs.
Orcs(in the distance singing): Little orcy foo-foo, walking through the forest, scooping up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head.
Mice: Squeak squeak squeak!
Orcs: Then dooooown came the good Saruman and he said, "Little ocry foo-foo, I wanna see you, scooping up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head."
And so on…
Squeakies #6 and #29 get on a dingo and ride off to Periwinkle Hall. Yay.
Chapter 4
So, now we've entered Edoras [young Anakin Skywalker] Yippee! [/young Anakin Skywalker]
The Ultimate Hottie Eomer rides in with the other hot members of the Riders of Rohan.
Kara (at the keyboard): Yippee!
The President's son is brought over to a bed because he's injured *gasp*
Eowyn runs in very quickly. People wonder how she runs so fast.
Eowyn: George! My dear cousin George Bush! What happened to him?
Eomer: He choked... on a pretzel. I… I couldn't stop it from happening. I was too late. We all were. There was no hope left. Then he died.
------------------------------------
Eowyn: Mr. Former President, your son, Mr. President, is dead. He choked on a pretzel. I'm… so sorry.
Bush Sr.: Ooooooooohhhh. Mrrrrrhhhh. Fnnnnnnn.
Wormy-poo: He said, "Oh, that sucks."
Eomer: Yep. Oh, by the way, Saruman's dudes are coming here to attack us.
Eomer throws down a black lacy orc bra with a white handprint on one of the cups at Bush Sr.'s feet.
Bush Sr.: Mrrrrhhhh ggrrrraaag.
Wormy-poo: He says that that orc must have had quite a large bosom. That bra is size 44EEE!
All: WOW! That's huge!
Wormy-poo: Can't you see how that bra disturbs Mr. Former President?
Eomer turns away.
Wormy-poo: Doggammit, Eomer! Your sister’s third leg is damn sexy. Ergo, you’re banished cause you’re in the way, dammit. Get outta this house, yo! Eowyn is miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
Eomer: Well damn.
Eomer leaves.
Bush Sr.: Ooooooh look at him go!
Wormy-poo: Eh?
Chapter 5
Legoland, Gimli and Aragorn are running around, chasing the little Orcses. Yay!
Gimli: Just keep running, just keep running, swimming, running, what do we do, we run!
Legoland: I’m METAPHOR MAN! The orcs are running as if I’m in front of them and they want a lock of my flowing, gorgeous hair.
-----------------------------------
SCENE: Nighttime, wilderness
The orcses stop to relieve themselves.
Orc #42: I must relieve myself.
A sigh of relief can be heard from orcs around the camp.
Orc #Ariel: My bladder’s going to explode!
The orcs drop Merry and Pippin, and the two hobbits start to crawl away as the orcs urinate and dispose of feces.
Anonymous Being: Grooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg
Merry: Pippin, you hear that?
Pippin: Yaaaaaa
Merry: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way. If they find us, they will crush us, grind us into tiny pieces and BLAST us into oblivion!
Pippin: I understaaaaaand.
Merry: Yay for Ents!
Orcsy-poo #Vasectomy: We want food! We want food!
The orcs start to bang their forks and knives on the tables.
Orc #-31: Hey, we don’t have tables!
All the tables and forks and knives disappear.
Orcs: Hoover Dam you, man, have a little imagination!
Orc #Something: Hoover was the greatest American president.
Orc #Hitler: Hail Hoover!
Orc #Sneeze: I once lived in a Hooverville, covered up with my Hoover blanket and drove around in my Hoover cart. Ah, those were the days.
All: I love Hoover.
Orc #10: I’m still hungry! Let’s eat the hobbits! Hooray for hobbits!
Orc #Random: No, we can’t! I’m allergic to hobbits!
Orc #10: Fine.
SUDDENLY, galloping can be heard. Just kidding.
Then they quarrel! The quarrel like no one has ever known! Our two hobbit friends crawl even further away. Look at ‘em go!
NOW, galloping is really heard and the orcs are shot with spears and arrows! Yay for the Riders of Rohan!
Orc #Small Bladder: I should have peed when I had the chance! I’m going to die having to pee!
Battle ensues. Hobbitses crawl away but soon Pippin is stepped on by a horse.
Pippin: Ow.
----------------------------------
Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
Gimli: I need a line. I think I’ll talk now. Perfect opportunity! Ahem. Oh yeah, so the blood just evaporates into the sky and that’s what makes it red?
Legolas: *flipping his hair* Ehehehehehehe.
Aragorn: Actually, it changes colors because the gases in the atmosphere are reflecting the light.
Legolas: Oh, my love, you’re so smart!
Aragorn: I know, Walker.
Legolas: Actually, my name’s Legolas, but you can call me whatever you want.