Good evening, mortal, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Sauron, the Lord of the Rings. I am the future ruler of all middle-earth but for right now I’m just the absolute ruler of Mordor. I dominate my territory using totalitarianism, and I’m just about to squash some midget with hairy feet and blue eyes the size of basketballs.
Are you getting confused? Maybe I should start at the beginning. All right here it goes:
When I was a little boy in my pajamas of armor all in bed waiting for my mommy to kiss me good night (my mom is an ogre and my dad was a human, my shrink thinks I have a issue about that, so back to the story...), I got all comfortable and fell asleep. That night I had a dream that I was the ruler of all middle-earth and I did it with the help of a ring (a very stylish ring of you ask me). Then all of a sudden I was flying, but that isn’t the point to this story. So, when I woke up I realized that I wanted to rule all of middle earth.
So when I was older I went to one of my mom’s friends (who was a blacksmith) and he helped me make a powerful ring. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, I, Sauron the Dark Lord, forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. And into this ring, I poured my cruelty, my malice and my will to dominate all life. Now do you understand the background? Good.
Now, to talk about the “people” of Mordor. There is my “secret police,” called the Pointy Shoes. My Pointy Shoes are the Ring-Wraiths. The laborers called Orcs (they are also my army), and me the ruler of them all. I make everyone share my goal in life and unconditional loyalty and if they don’t I will have them killed by the Ring-Wraiths. Not to brag or anything but I am the symbol of the government.
Can you hang on for a second? My informer is here. Meet my informer for my pointy shoes, Ring-Wraith #7.
“My name is Joe,” said Ring-Wraith #7
Sauron turned to Joe and glared at him and said, “Whatever. Anyway what do you have to report?”
“Mel has been talking behind your back calling you stupid and trying to get the rest of the Pointy Shoes to rise up against you,” said Joe.
Sauron looked at Joe and rolled his eyes and said, “then kill him, is that to hard to do?”
Joe looked down at the pink rug on the floor and mumbled, “no.”
“Good, now what has happened with the halfling?” said Sauron.
“Um...well he kind of got away on a boat with some of his stupid friends,” said Joe looking uncomfortable.
“How could he have gotten away?” Sauron said.
“Well you know how the horses have been afraid of the water ever sense they saw the Wizard of Oz with the witch melting,” said Joe.
“Fine you can go, but make sure you kill Mel and that stupid hobbit and his friends,” said Sauron looking discussed.
“Good-bye,” mumbled Joe.
Do you know what time it is? Really? Already? Fine I guess I have to go give a speech to the public. Sauron gets up from the pink chair and walks over to the balcony to talk into a microphone with loud speakers attached.
“My people, I have an announcement to make. First I have come up with a bomb so powerful we can blow up the wall of Helms Deep. (Cheers from crowd). I also insure you that we are very close to getting back the One Ring from that horrible person who stole it. (Cheers from crowd). I am punishing the one who stole it because it is a threat to our way of life. (Cheers from crowd). I'll get him. And his little dog, too. (Cheers from crowd).
Sauron walked calmly back to the pink chair and sits down.
Do you have anymore questions for me? That’s all well that’s easy. All right, first there is no art, youth groups, or family life, considering that the Orcs are born out of the earth and are full-grown when they are born. Their education is fighting and I require them to be in my army they are also laborers and do what ever I tell them to do. Their housing is to sleep on the ground and the only business is to fight in my Army.
That was easy. But I must warn you if this information gets into the wrong hands you will pay in the most serious way.
Good Bye.