This is a rather difficult subject for me to discuss. To most people, I seem to be a very happy, upbeat, and generally good-humored guy. Granted, I have a lot of things to be happy and grateful for, and whatever you may read in this particular entry, I do not wish to make you believe that I am trying to say that I am unlucky or otherwise not blessed to have lived the life that I have.
However, there are parts of my life that I am not happy with myself for. One of the larger mistakes I have made took place not too terribly long ago. I hurt someone that I deeply care for. I won't mention names, nor will I mention locations or times, but I will give a good enough idea of the situation.
I can't exactly go into detail about how I hurt this girl, I'll just say that I hurt her terribly. I still have very strong feelings for her, and have only since realized how terrible a mistake I had made.
Even beyond these little snippets, however, lies my dilemma. On one hand, I care deeply about this girl, and realize that I hurt her. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and would do nothing to jeopardize that happiness. However, the fact that I still care for her so much makes it incredibly difficult to help her sometimes.
Since our relationship, I have helped her with other guys, given her advice and been a friendly ear to listen. And I am glad that she felt comfortable talking to me. However, every time she mentions them, a pang of jealousy strikes me. Even worse, every time I hear that one of them hurts it, I fill with rage. More ironically painful still, I can do nothing in such situations but offer comfort and support. Above my pain rests the importance of her happiness. I would give anything just to be able to shred away all the pain that I, or anyone else for that matter, has caused her. It pains me to hear of her sadness when something goes wrong, though it also pains me to hear that she is happy with someone else.
I don't know how terrible this is of me. I wish I could be normal in this aspect and simply be happy for her. I most certainly can't sever our friendship as it means so much to me. I wish there was a way for all of us to be happy.
I think what angers me most is not when she tells me about her boyfriend. I'm glad she has someone, and I'm glad that she's happy. It's when I hear that her boyfriend has hurt her. I simply want to grab him by the collar, pull him face to face with me so that I can better scream at him about how he has to realize what he has and appreciate that instead of ruin it.
If you are reading this, I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry for being the way that I am, and not being more emotionally founded so as to better accept the way that things happened. Our lives are how they are now, and I don't expect any of that to change. All I am really hoping is that you can accept my apology and forgive me. I am so sorry. Truly I am.