Pairing: Chris Larabee/Vin Tanner
Rating: PG
Warnings: Implied violence
Spoilers: None
Author's notes: I watched a rather boring documentary about the Wild West a while ago, and they spoke some about the bad quality of whiskey back then, and how it could change people's behavior (for the worse...). I've wanted to write something like this since then, but when I've tried previously, the stories have taken other directions than I'd planned. This one pretty much turned out the way I wanted it.

*****

Someone else's hands on what was his. Someone else telling things only he should ever tell. Had it been him dreaming, or was it a real memory?

There was something he was supposed to remember. Something had happened. Maybe that day, maybe before that. He didn't know, only knew he had to figure it out. His head hurt, but he didn't think that that had anything to do with his inability to remember. Something else did. He slowly opened his eyes and began thinking. Whiskey, lots of it. Vin. Talking to him, saying things. Himself, not saying much. Vin walking away. Leaving.

Chris sat up, knowing that some of what he'd felt he should remember, he just had. Vin had left, but why?

He remembered more... blood, screaming, more things being said. Probably not very nice things. He seldom had nice things to say these days, not even to Vin. Just another of those things that should change, but he wouldn't know how to begin, he only knew how to be what he had become. Vague memories, good ones, told him there had been another life, but it was long gone. Maybe now, Vin was too.

Hell no... Chris got out of bed. His life was pretty useless as it was. Without Vin, there would be nothing. He was pretty sure he'd told him that lately, just like he was pretty sure he'd told him how much he still loved him. Or was that long ago?

Hard though it was to ignore the terrible headache, Chris tried, suddenly desperate to find out where Vin was. His heart beat in a way that was just a little too uncomfortable, but he did his best to ignore that too. It wasn't a new feeling, anyway, just the same one that came with drinking too much. It wasn't important now, only Vin was. Chris stumbled out of the small house, then stopped abruptly. Vin was standing outside of the corral, grooming one of the horses. Chris couldn't really tell which one. Probably Vin's own. That horse often got more of Vin's attention than Chris did.

"Mornin', Chris," Vin said, briefly looking up.

Morning, was it? Chris mumbled a reply, unsteadily walking towards him.

"You sleep well?" Vin asked, still brushing the horse.

Chris tried to make his eyes obey him and focus properly. They almost did, and he could see now that he'd been right; it was Vin's own horse that he was grooming. "I slept, anyway," he said, his voice raspy.

"Well, so did I, just not where I usually sleep, thanks to you," Vin said dryly.

Chris studied him a moment, trying to figure out what he meant. "I never told you to go away," he said, but he knew now what Vin meant, he just didn't feel like acknowledging it. Maybe later.

"Not with words you didn't," Vin said, glaring at him. Then he turned his attention back to his horse, stroking its neck.

The panic Chris had felt earlier when he'd thought Vin had left was gone, now that he could see that he was still around. "Well, you always did like sleeping outdoors," he said.

Vin looked at him, his eyebrows raised. "Not in this weather, I don't," he said.

"It is a bit cold," Chris said, nodding.

"Which is why I slept in the stable," Vin said, sighing. Chris could annoy him so easily these days.

"As long as you're all right," Chris said.

Vin turned to look at him, smirking. "You thought I'd left," he said.

"No, I didn't," Chris said.

"You did," Vin said, leading the horse back into the stable.

"You are so wrong, Vin," Chris said, following him.

Vin ignored him, and led Chris's horse out of the stable. "I'll just take care of him too while I'm at it."

Chris kept following him, watching while he groomed the horse. He'd always liked watching Vin doing that. After a while, he noticed a small bruise on Vin's cheek. He stepped closer to him. "I did that?" he said awkwardly.

Vin didn't look at him. "Well, it was either you or that guy you thought I'd been with."

Despite trying not to, Chris began pacing, raising his voice. "So it wasn't just something I'd dreamt? Who the hell is he? What do you want from him?"

"I don't want nothing from him, 'cause he don't exist, not like you think," Vin said. "Only in your mind, you stupid man," he added.

"What did you call me?"

"You gonna hit me again?" Vin said. "Don't act stupid, and I won't call you stupid."

Chris managed to get his temper under control before he did something he'd regret. Something that would make Vin call him even worse things that he didn't want to hear. He took a few deep breaths. "So there's no other?" he asked carefully, even though he knew he didn't need to fear the answer. Vin was right, it was all in his own mind. It was just the whiskey that tried to tell him differently sometimes. He really should stop giving it so much credit.

"No, there's no other," Vin said.

"Just that I thought I saw that guy talking to you in the saloon yesterday..."

"I did talk to someone, but that's it. If you can't even handle seeing me talking to people, you got a problem."

As if he didn't know that. "More than one problem, I'd say," he said. There was no point in hiding his weaknesses from Vin. He knew him too well. "I don't know what we were doing there so late, anyway. Or how we got home."

Vin gave him a look which, if Chris didn't misread it, held a combination of contempt and sadness. "I got us home," Vin said. "And I think we were sort of celebrating, Chris," he added, his voice cold.

Chris frowned. "That right? Celebrating what?"

"This, I guess," Vin said, holding up his left hand, a silver band on his ring finger.

That didn't make Chris's frown go away. "That's a nice ring," he said, trying to figure out what all this meant.

"Well, you would think that, considering you chose it and all."

This seemed too important even for Chris to forget, and eventually, he did remember. Everything from buying the ring, hiding it from Vin because he was too nervous to ask him if he'd wear it, and finally simply taking Vin's hand one day (it must have been yesterday, he realised now) and putting it on, waiting for his reaction. Vin had rewarded him with the sweetest smile Chris had ever seen on his face, and he'd looked so happy. Well, that was then. But it couldn't be that bad if the ring was still on Vin's finger. "You gonna brush the mane off the poor horse?" Chris said eventually, thinking he should have come up with something better, something more appropriate.

"I'm gonna groom him 'til he looks real nice," Vin said.

"All right." Chris turned and began walking away, then stopped. He took the few steps needed to stand by Vin again. He brought his hand up to caress Vin's cheek gently. "I'm sorry about that," he said.

"You obviously haven't looked yourself in the mirror," Vin said tiredly. "Don't worry about it, Chris, I give as good as I get. I just ain't as inclined to do it as you are."

Chris looked away. It wasn't enough, he had to close his eyes, trying to shut out the shame he suddenly felt. When he turned to look at Vin again, he saw it, like so many times before: his own pain written all over Vin's face. Or was it Vin's own this time? Or was it pity? Pity for the poor old man who never seemed to learn how to control his own actions? He wouldn't ask. "You're not leaving then?" he asked instead, even though the fear that he would was gone.

Vin laughed without humor. "Where would I go?" he said.

"You could go anywhere," Chris said, grateful for the answer, but concerned by the lack of emotions in Vin's voice.

"What the hell do you want, Chris?" Vin said. "You want me gone, or you want me to stay?"

"I want you to stay, Vin, you know that," Chris said, hoping the trembling he felt throughout his body didn't show in his voice.

"Because you couldn't go on without me," Vin said. He'd said the same thing before, but teasingly. This time it was just the truth.

"Obviously the same could be said about you," Chris said, anger rising in him.

Vin looked at him calmly. "Just that I ain't got so much trouble admitting it."

And the anger was gone again. Chris looked into blue, tired eyes. No, he couldn't go on without him, and Vin had probably realised that long before he himself had, and most likely long ago. If Vin left, if something happened to him, if he himself... No, he'd never hurt Vin that much, he had to make sure he never did. A split lip, a bruise, nothing more. Not ever so much that Vin couldn't defend himself. Maybe no more of that at all.

"I never put up with anyone as long as I've put up with you, you know," Vin said. It sounded almost like a declaration of love.

Chris snorted. "That's nice."

"Don't know if it is, I'm just telling you," Vin said, shrugging. "And don't tell me you don't feel the same."

"I won't," Chris said truthfully. He'd put up with Vin from the very beginning. Putting up with Vin had always been a nice way to spend time.

Vin was silent for a while, then led Chris's horse back into the stable. When he came back, his silence continued for a moment. It looked like he was thinking something over. Before he spoke again, the most peculiar smile Chris had ever seen lit up his face. He looked lost for a moment, yet his steady voice proved the opposite. "You know, Chris, I learned to deal with darkness long ago, long before I even met you," he said. He was watching the ring. "I quite like darkness, and somehow it just keeps coming to me," he said, still watching the ring, some inexplicable confusion showing in his eyes. "And it's forever now, I guess," he added, holding up his hand, showing Chris the ring. As if Chris hadn't seen it before, hadn't put it there himself. Vin looked at him. His expression was soft now. He walked towards the house, caressing Chris's arm while passing him. "We should eat some."

Chris walked after him. He was pretty hungry. He wondered if they would have to ride into town for more groceries later, or if it could wait a few days.

*****

End