Pairing: Chris Larabee/Vin Tanner
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Spoilers: A couple (I think) very minor ones. I can't think of the names of the eps though.

*****

He really should listen. It was not often that Vin talked this much, for as long as he had, and he really should listen more carefully. Unfortunately, most - if not all - of what came out of his younger partner's mouth was complete and utter nonsense, and he had to concentrate on not laughing, which meant that he only heard parts of what Vin said. Slurred. He'd comprehended some already, and now Vin seemed to be talking about when they were in Purgatorio together the first time.

"I sent you back again," Chris reminded him.

"...did..." Vin said, trying to focus on Larabee's eyes. It didn't work as well as it should considering he loved watching that man's face whenever he got the chance. What was Chris doing here anyway? He hadn't been in the saloon when Vin himself had first arrived. When had he showed up? Why had he? Vin had seen him ride off earlier, and had assumed that he had gone away for a few hours of amusement with one of the many working girls that were always available and willing. If Chris only knew that he was available too. And willing. Vin laughed, which he slowly realised must seem a bit odd as nothing funny had actually been said. It didn't matter much because the laughter turned into a snort, and then he had to cough. He felt pathetic, and knew he probably looked it too. The whiskey made him not care, and he was thankful. Remembrance would surely follow this night, possibly together with regret, but what did it matter now?

"What happened?" Chris asked, receiving only a confused look in return. "Why have you been drinking so much tonight?"

Vin shook his head, as if to say he hadn't, and he knew he was much too close to blurting out the truth. One more glass of whiskey and Chris would have known everything within minutes. He couldn't tell him that he'd seen him ride away, and that he'd thought he'd gone to see a working girl, and that it had made the heartache that had gone away when Mary had married return full force. Fuck... He knew he was pushing himself into a maudlin state, but it was too late to stop now. If he could just make sure that any and all traces of honesty were held back, he'd make it through the night, and then he'd never let Chris find him this drunk again. He shook his head again, wincing from the pain which the small motion brought on. He shouldn't have let it go this far. He should have just continued yearning from a distance, accepting his fate as the man who'd never quite have it all.

Not that he asked for that much. Just Chris. It wasn't like it was his own fault that he'd fallen in love with him, now was it? He hadn't done it on purpose, but now he was being punished for it, and it hurt like hell. It was getting worse every day too. Yearning just wasn't the same anymore, and he knew he would have to leave. Soon, before this unusual behavior of his became a habit; before the pain of the yearning had to be regularly suppressed through whiskey. He groaned, cursing his treacherous body for not being able to handle a little bit of alcohol. He had only wanted to forget for a while, not become... like this. Pushing the glass and the whiskey bottle away he leaned forward, his elbows on the table. Then his head began spinning, and his upper body fell head first onto the table. At least now he didn't have to look into Chris's eyes.

"Someone's had enough," Chris said dryly, then moved the glass and the bottle to his side of the table. He didn't want to risk Vin having some sort of blackout and using the bottle to hurt himself or anyone else. Most people became violent when drunk, but so far it seemed Vin didn't fall into that category. Vin became talkative and just a little bit silly, at least tonight. But then, if he'd drink the whiskey that was still left in the bottle maybe that would change. Not that Chris would let him, especially considering that the bottle on the table was Vin's second for the night, if Buck hadn't been mistaken.

Chris had gone for a short ride, just to check on the surroundings, and when he'd come back he'd stayed in his room reading. After a couple of hours Buck had come knocking on his door, to let him know that someone they both knew well was in the saloon drinking in a way which was most uncharacteristic for that person. Of course it was Vin, Chris hadn't even had to ask. If something was the matter with Vin, it was always him they came for. He didn't mind having to look after the young man if needed, but he didn't understand what had set off his drinking tonight, and Vin's talkative mood seemed to have suddenly disappeared now, leaving only his usual half-silence to keep Chris company.

"Chris..."

Hearing his name, Chris looked up. "What is it, Vin?" he asked, prepared to hear just about anything come out of his friend's mouth.

"Umm...er..."

"Just be quiet for the rest of the night, all right," Chris said. "I think your speaking abilities are leaving you anyway, so you might as well."

"...funny, Mr. Larabee... very...funny..." Vin was sitting up straight again; as straight as was possible considering his condition anyway. "Can talk..."

"Is that so, Mr. Tanner? Really?" Chris smiled, enjoying himself although he shouldn't be. Vin smiled back at him, averting his eyes in that way of his which Chris had always liked, mainly because he'd never seen Vin use quite the same look with anyone but him. It wasn't shyness, Chris was fairly certain of that, but it looked like it, and there was just something about the idea of Vin being one way around him - being himself? - and one way around others that affected him strongly. Right now though, he did look shy, and something more; what, Chris couldn't quite interpret. He'd hesitate to use the word wistful, but that was the one he came to think of after a while.

"Yeah." Vin nodded. "Need you to know..." Why? Chris does not need to know. Vin's mind was trying to get through to him, telling him that there was no reason to tell Chris at all. No reason to set himself up for the disappointment that was sure to follow.

"What do I need to know, Vin?" Chris asked. He realised that he was talking the same way he normally talked to children. Vin probably didn't notice.

Don't tell him. Do not tell him. "Nothing," Vin said, surprised by the sadness that washed over him. "You don't..." He shook his head, part of him pleased that he'd been able to hold back, part of him still sad.

Chris studied Vin for a moment, then stood up. "You know, Vin, I'll help you to bed, all right?" He walked up to Vin, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Whatever it is I need to know, you can tell me tomorrow." He helped Vin stand up, supporting him when he, predictably, lost his balance. They received a few looks from the other guests while leaving the saloon, but that was all. None of the regulars in town would pick a fight with Chris, and they made up most of the crowd this night.

If Vin had thought the night air outside would help him sober up and keep quiet, he'd been mistaken. If he could only keep quiet about that one thing that no one must ever know about. "Chris..." No, Vin. Just stay quiet a little longer.

"We're on our way to my room, if you wonder," Chris said. It would take them more than twice as long to reach his room than it normally would. Than it would have done had everyone in the company been sober, Chris thought, more amused than upset.

"Okay," Vin said, deciding that would probably be a good reply to anything else Chris might say tonight. Okay.

"Just about there," Chris said, relieved. He was strong, and Vin wasn't that heavy - albeit heavier than he looked - but half carrying a person around town took its toll of his muscles.

"Okay," Vin said, smiling a little. This was going well. Except he desperately needed to pee. "Chris..." He made a vague motion towards his pants, hoping that was enough to make himself understood.

"Need to get rid of some of that whiskey, do you?" Chris said. Without waiting for Vin to reply he led him behind one of the buildings, knowing that if anyone saw them they were up for major embarrassment. "Need help?" he asked, hoping the answer would be no.

"No," Vin said. He could probably use some help, but he didn't want to make Chris feel uncomfortable.

"All right. Just put one hand on the wall for support, and the other on...you know...to..." Chris sighed. Was it all his time in this 'decent' town that had made him hesitate to use certain words, or was it just the situation?

Vin nodded, and after much fumbling he did as Chris said. He felt a little better afterwards so it was worth the trouble. He pushed away from the wall, immediately knowing that it was a bad idea. He stumbled - possibly over his own feet - and landed on the ground.

Chris had just finished taking a pee himself when he heard Vin move around and then fall. The ground was soft so he didn't worry, but just looked to his side where Vin was now trying to get back up. "Just stay there, Vin, and I'll be right there." He rearranged his jeans, then helped Vin up and they were on their way to his room again, both of them walking in silence now. At the boarding house, Chris unlocked the door to his room with an effort, simultaneously holding Vin tightly to him, not wanting him to fall and this time hurt himself on the hard floor. "There you go," he said, leading Vin into the room then closing and locking the door behind them.

Vin felt so good. His head was beginning to ache and it was spinning too, but he'd never felt so good. For certain because he'd never been held this way by Chris before, and the feeling of Chris this close was so much stronger than the effects of the alcohol he'd been downing during the last hours. "Chris, I..." Vin shook his head, as if to tell himself to not do it, to not say it. You're doing all right here. "I love you." It came out so fast that he barely registered the words himself. How was it possible to tell yourself to just stay quiet and then come right out and say the one thing you shouldn't say? He felt Chris's body stiffen and waited for the blow.

"Let's get you to bed." Chris led Vin towards his bed, pushing him down onto it. If nothing else, he now knew the reason for the wistful look on Vin's face earlier.

Vin didn't know what the hell was going on here, but he decided to push his luck. He knew Chris had heard him, so it was too late to take it back now anyway. "I love you," he repeated, surprised that his voice was as steady as it was, because he didn't feel less drunk now than he had in the saloon, despite the walk here. And now, there seemed to be no stopping him. "So much, Chris... love you so much..." He lay down, feeling lost. What the hell was going on?

"Sit up again," Chris said, his voice strained. He was trying to control himself after having heard Vin's irrevocable words. He'd known for a long time now that there was more than mere friendship between them, but to hear the words; to know Vin felt the same. Exactly the same. He composed himself. "I'll just take your coat off then you can lie down again." He helped Vin sit back up, and made quick work of taking the coat off, then he walked away from the bed.

"Love you, Chris..."

"I heard you." Chris shook his head. Vin might be drunk, but what he said was no lie, Chris knew that. No lie, and probably not something that Vin had intended to actually let him know. He walked back to the bed, beginning to remove Vin's boots. "You cold?" he asked, his calm voice hiding a turbulent inner.

"Chris. Don't go..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't be angry..."

"Did I say I was?" Chris asked.

"Love you..."

"You already said that," Chris said. He looked at the man on his bed. When Vin repeated the words yet again they were followed by what sounded like a sob, but Chris saw no tears. "You are so drunk, Vin," he said, mostly to himself. "And tired too, I'd guess." Chris went to get a blanket which was hanging over a chair beside the door, then walked back to Vin, spreading it over him. "Go to sleep, Vin. We'll talk more tomorrow." He moved a chair closer to the bed and sat down, watching Vin fall asleep; it did not take long before the breaths were slower and deeper, and Chris knew the man would be asleep for at least a couple of hours, hopefully. He himself would not sleep much this night. The chair wasn't that comfortable, and he had too many things on his mind.

It was with surprise then that Chris woke some hours later, the room less dark now than when he'd closed his eyes. Was it really morning already? He stood up, stretching carefully, his back hurting. Looking down at Vin, he could see that he was still sleeping. He couldn't stop himself from smiling, the sight of the young man on his bed somehow making him feel better than he had in a long time. He moved closer, reaching down to caress the soft, brown curls, gently so as to not wake Vin up.

He then went over to the window, looking out at the still empty street, knowing that there wouldn't be much activity in town at all until a few hours yet. It was still early, and there wasn't much for him to do. He didn't want to go anywhere as he didn't want to leave Vin alone in case he'd wake up while Chris was gone. He sat down on the chair again, spending the next hour just watching the sleeping man and thinking about where they would go from here. He decided that he'd let Vin bring up the subject if he wanted to. If he didn't, Chris would just assume that he'd forgotten everything that had been said yesterday or that he'd pretend to have and if so, Chris would play along. He dozed off; not for long it felt like but he woke from the sound of a raspy yet soft voice.

"Chris..."

"Good morning, Tanner," Chris said. "Feeling all right?"

Vin turned his head, hiding his face in the pillow. "No," came the muffled answer.

"A little too much to drink last night?" Chris asked, knowing all too well how Vin felt right now. "If you need to puke, just let me know," he added, quickly getting a bucket and placing it beside the bed just in case. He sat down again, watching Vin slowly turning towards him. He didn't look very well, and he looked very tired, as if he hadn't slept at all.

Vin shook his head. "I don't think I need to," he said.

"I'll just leave it here anyway," Chris said.

Vin looked at him, trying to smile. "Thanks..." During the silence that followed Vin slowly began recalling what had happened last night, and he buried his face in the pillow again, unable to look at Chris. Why was the man so calm anyway? He remembered his resolve to leave, and the emotions which that brought on were enough to make him want to cry, but he held back. If he was going to leave, what was the point of doing so without Chris knowing exactly why? His words had been sincere and he needed for Chris to know that, no matter the consequences. He carefully tried to sit up, but was barely able to use his elbow to hold himself up, his head was spinning so much. "I remember now," he began, waiting to see if Chris did too. "I told you..." Vin closed his eyes, "...that I love you."

"About a hundred times," Chris said quietly, managing a small smile to let Vin know things were all right.

Vin glared at him, the response not what he'd expected. Was Chris making fun of him? That alone would be reason enough for him to leave. He wanted to keep Chris's respect even if he couldn't have his love. And he really didn't want to leave at all, despite all that had happened. He could probably find a way to live with the shame if it meant seeing and talking to Chris now and then. "I meant it each time," he said defensively.

Chris knew he shouldn't but, "I love you too," he said, then looked away, but not before noticing the look of surprise on Vin's face. Did he really not know?

Vin looked at Chris, stunned. He couldn't meet his eyes because Chris wouldn't look at him, but he didn't need the eye contact to know that what Chris had said was true. "You said you love me," he said after a while, his words coming out sounding almost like an accusation funnily enough. After another long moment of silence Vin said, his voice almost breaking, "Were you ever going to tell me?"

Chris looked at him then. "No," he said. Seeing the pain and confusion that shadowed Vin's features hurt him almost more than any of the times he'd been physically wounded, and he had to look away again. Why did he have to say a thing like that? Especially now that their feelings for each other were no secrets anymore. His words had been unnecessary and he knew it, but he was so used to not letting people near, to push them away. "I thought it was for the best," he said, not knowing quite what else to say. "Maybe I was wrong," he added, risking a glance at Vin. The confusion still showed, but the pain was gone. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice unsteady, the words only just a whisper.

Vin lay on his back now, looking up at the ceiling. "I guess I wouldn't have told you either unless I'd had so much to drink," he admitted, knowing for sure that he would definitely not have told Chris had it not been for last night's alcohol intake. He couldn't very well blame Chris for having decided on the same. "Why wouldn't you have told me?" he asked though, curious.

"I didn't think that you could possibly want anything that I can give you," Chris said. "I thought you wanted more."

Vin frowned, wondering if Chris realised that he'd just belittled himself through his words. "What do you mean more?"

"A family, I guess," Chris said. "I ain't a woman, and I can't give you children." Chris shrugged, feeling a bit stupid for stating the obvious, but that was one of the concerns he'd had, one of his reasons for leaving Vin alone instead of letting him know that he wanted him. "I assumed you wanted that. Most men do."

Chris's past, along with an unstoppable sadness, entered Vin's mind. "You want it again?" he asked cautiously.

"No," Chris answered, truthfully.

Vin wanted to ask more, but he opted for leaving the subject for now, not wanting to bring up even more memories that would cause Chris pain. "I don't want a family," he said. "If I wanted one, I'd have gone after a woman in the first place, hadn't I?" He tried to smile, but wasn't sure if he pulled it off. His head wasn't spinning so much any longer, but while he should be happy considering his and Chris's conversation, there was still something about it all that made his heart feel heavy. "You tired?" he asked, seeing the other man yawn.

"A bit," Chris said. "You?"

"I ain't sure I could fall asleep now but, yeah, I'm still a bit tired," Vin said.

"Go back to sleep then," Chris said, unprepared for the tenderness that ran through him when he looked at Vin, realising just now that they were not only friends anymore.

"You ain't gonna stay in the chair, are you?" Vin asked Chris when he saw him trying to make himself sit comfortably, still fully dressed. Before Chris could respond he said, "Come to bed." When he saw Chris hesitate he added, "To sleep." He wanted to do so much more with Chris than just sleep in the same bed, but not now, not when he still felt dizzy. If he could just be near him that would be enough.

Chris felt uncertain. He really hadn't thought that far; only occasionally had he let himself think about what intimacy - and not only of the sexual kind - with Vin would be like. He stood up, knowing they would need to start somewhere and it might as well be now. They were just going to sleep beside each other, the other things would come later. He walked around to the other side of the bed, sitting down on it at first, then, before he lost the nerve to do it, he lay down beside Vin.

Vin spread half of the blanket over Chris, keeping the other half over himself, moving a little closer to the other man while he was at it. He laid his head as much on Chris's shoulder as he dared, then got braver and turned his body towards Chris, putting his arm across his chest, inhaling the other man's scent. He'd always loved the way Chris smelled, and now, being this close, he was almost overwhelmed; not just by the warmth of his partner's body and the mixed scent of cheroot, sweat, Chris himself and just a hint of whiskey, but by all the emotions this closeness brought with it. He told himself that if he just stayed calm, everything would be all right. He felt Chris's arm encircle him, his hand stroking his back a short moment before settling on his shoulder. He could sense that Chris found the situation a bit awkward, but he would never comment on it. He wasn't fully relaxed himself, but very contented - and not so little bewildered - with how his foolish behavior last night had given him all this. Their love would not be easy, but he wanted to believe that they would both be fine.

*****

End